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I’ve got to admit that before I actually researched the term, I thought, “Good Lord. As if we need something else to encourage entitlement, selfishness, and unrealistic expectations.” Oh, but after I dived in, I realized that not only is prioridating something that I can get behind, it’s something that I think works for what happens outside of the house — and inside of the bedroom as well.
If you’re curious about what I mean, take a few moments out of your day to see why prioridating is something that you should consider doing if you’re looking for a genuine romantic connection with someone else (again, both in and out of the bedroom).
What Does It Mean to Prioritize Something or Someone?
GiphyI’m pretty sure it’s fairly easy to see that the root of the made-up word “prioridating” is prioritize — and in a moment, I’ll get into why it’s an essential thing to consider when it comes to romantic relationships. First, though, let’s talk about what it truly means to prioritize something or someone in your life.
Personally, whenever I think about the word “prioritize,” the first thing that comes to my mind is a quote that I used to have featured in one of my email accounts: “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to.” An author by the name of Nick Chellsen once said that and it’s fitting here because, at the end of the day, a priority is simply something that is very important to you to the point where it tends to take precedence over something else; it’s something that you will agree to doing because it means just that much.
Unfortunately, a lot of people actually suck at prioritizing because they don’t really put much thought into what is more essential than other things on a day-to-day basis. For instance, if you want to better prioritize your time, each evening, you should think about the things that need to be done the following day. Then, after doing that, be honest with yourself about what needs your immediate attention vs. what can wait until after those tasks are done. Like, if you’ve got a deadline at work, I’m pretty sure that scrolling through Instagram can wait.
Or how about your budget? It really does seem like right after we pay one month’s mortgage or rent, here comes another. Meanwhile, those shoes that you really want? I mean, is it more important to keep a roof over your head or to adorn your feet with a new pair of pumps? Don’t go by how you feel; go by the actual facts.
And to me, that’s why I think that the word “sacrifice” fits in really well with the word “prioritize.” I say that because, one of the best definitions that I’ve ever heard when it comes to making sacrifices is that it’s all about “giving up something good for something greater.” You see, when it comes to prioritizing things, when it comes to determining what you should say “yes” or “no” to, sometimes it will require you to assess what is better than what is just merely good.
And boy, is that not quite the layup (if I do say so myself — LOL) for what prioridating is truly all about.
What Is Prioridating, Exactly?
Why Prioridating Is Something to Literally Prioritize in Your Romantic Relationships
GiphyOkay, so keeping in line with the whole quote-thing, when I think about prioritizing as it relates to dating, there is a Maya Angelou quote that fits in oh so very well: “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” In other words, don’t allow someone to take precedence when it comes to your schedule, heart, or energy when they aren’t even considering doing the same thing when it comes to you. And how do you know for sure when you aren’t someone’s priority?
Well, an author by the name of Irini Zoica once said, “Being someone’s ‘sometimes’ is not enough” — and when you are only an option (which is basically being one person on a list of several other choices) in another person’s eyes, that’s typically how it plays out; you are their “sometimes”…maybe.
Now, to be fair, when a relationship is just starting out, everyone really does need to relax — and by “relax,” I mean be hella realistic. And what I mean by that is, just because someone may find you attractive or appealing after an initial meeting and a few conversations, that doesn’t automatically mean that you should expect or even require immediate or automatic exclusivity (which, in dating, I prefer over the word “monogamy” — check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”) or that you even should take up most of their day with lots of calls and texts.
Yeah, one day I’m gonna write about how so many women claim to want a “high value man” without really thinking about how many priorities those guys have throughout the day in order to be one (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”). At the same time, though, when you’re wanting to see if someone’s words can be trusted, look at their actions because, if they are telling you that they want to get to know you better, that they are interested in seeing where things will go and that they really want to spend more time with you — they will most definitely, without question, prioritize it. Because it is important to them to do so.
Okay, but is that what prioridating means? Eh, not quite. The backstory of the term is that a relationship coach (who also contributes to the dating app eHarmony) by the name of Laurel House came up with something that reminds people of the benefits that come from dating with a purpose in mind (as opposed to casual dating, which is the literal opposite approach).
Come to think of it, according to her, it even goes beyond that; prioridating is about assessing what your most important need is in a relationship and then choosing to date someone who checks that particular box.
When I checked out Lauren’s PrioriDating site, there is something else that she said (beyond some of the interviews that I also read) about what prioridating is: It’s “about you — your life, your experience of life, based on your perspective, created by your past experiences, that shaped who you are and what you need moving forward...Once you define and align with your priority, you have a better chance at discovering and fulfilling your needs—first (and most importantly) within yourself and then within a partner. Win-win-win.”
Now let’s piece all of this together. If you’re someone who is truly interested in prioridating, you first need to reflect and ponder over who you are, currently, as an individual. Then you need to figure out what YOU need (I’d personally say what your top three needs are) when it comes to dating and then commit to yourself that you aren’t going to waver from those needs — that you are going to prioritize those above all else because they are what’s most important to you…they are what takes precedence above everything else when it comes to making you feel relationally satisfied, safe and heard.
What all of this (hopefully) does when it comes to dating is help you to be more intentional about who you choose to spend time with. Not only that but, since you are clear about what your essential needs are, the moment that you articulate them, give the person time to process them and then see those going unmet, you can have a better understanding about how to move forward — if you are to move forward with that particular individual at all.
And if you are to move without them, you can feel good about your decision because, by prioritizing your own needs, you prioritize yourself and, in doing that, you tend to be more focused than ever on finding someone who will do the same thing for you…as you do for them. And where reciprocity is, fulfillment follows.
How Prioridating Can Seriously Improve Your Sex Life As Well
GiphyAs I thought about prioridating and what it requires in romantic connections, it caused me to think about how that mindset can — and should — transfer into the bedroom. And that brings me to one more quote on priorities; one that, interestingly enough, comes from a religious leader by the name of Dallin H. Oaks once said, “Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions.”
Desire. We all have sexual desires. Thing is, when it comes to what desire means, it’s not black and white. A desire can be something that you want. A desire can be something that you crave. A desire can be something that you request. Some synonyms for desire include lust, passion, and, yes, need. For the sake of the (main) point that I want to make here, let’s go with “request” and “need.”
Okay, so Mr. Oaks said that desires dictate our priorities, and we already discussed that a priority is something that is important, essential…something that we need. If you connect this to the rest of the quote, what we need determines our choices, and our choices then determine our actions.
Since “need” also means desire, when it comes to sex, what do you need? Here, please don’t confuse this with what you want because, although that too is relevant, the reality is that wants can change at the drop of a dime; however, core needs? They oftentimes are rooted in who we are as individuals — and to be honest, I have worked with enough couples for a long enough amount of time to come to the conclusion that, the reason why a lot of people’s sex lives go left is because folks are too caught up in wants instead of needs.
Here's what I mean by that — say that you need to be held after sex because it makes you feel comforted and adored, while you want spontaneity. No one is saying that you should have to give up one for the other YET if you really need to be held close and that doesn’t happen, can you see how, after a while, all of the random sex in the world will still cause you to feel resentful because your true needs aren’t being met? I’ll give you another example: something that husbands say to me often is that they need their wives to initiate more; it actually makes them feel wanted and like they aren’t having to beg for intimacy. Some may want longer fellatio or a dirtier talker; however, if they can get that need met, the wants semi pale in comparison.
It makes sense too, because needs are a lot like the meal, while wants are the dessert. Dessert is delicious, yet when we’re already filled up from dinner, sometimes we can take or leave dessert. On the other hand, when all we had was dessert, it usually feels like something is…missing. And it is because you didn’t get what you actually needed.
Thing is, when it comes to sex, people rarely think about what they actually need — and that’s why I thought that the whole prioridating thing was a great tie-in because, just like you should think about what you need and hold yourself to that standard while you are dating, you should also strongly consider what your true sexual needs are (also a top three thing), MAKE YOUR REQUESTS KNOWN, and not waver on those either.
Because when a partner truly cares about you and your pleasure, your needs are going to matter. Yes, your wants will too, yet those needs? Those will be prioritized every time coitus transpires — and when someone feels like their sexual needs are super important to someone else? How can that not lead to true sexual satisfaction and fulfillment (especially when reciprocity is taking place)…because as the quote goes: priorities/needs determine choices and choices determine actions.
Have a need, choose to prioritize the need, and then…act upon it. Prioridate as you mate.
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Dating trends. Lord knows there are tons of them — some good, some ho-hum. Prioridating is something that I can get behind, though. Because anything that encourages you to act with purpose and intention and to make needs essential — good comes from that. Outside of the bedroom and in.
Prioridate, mutually, as you mate. It truly can’t be said enough, y’all.
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Featured image by Giphy