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Do You Want A Man? Or Just Some "Holiday Company"?
Recently, I was talking to a single woman about what her plans were for the holidays. When she started talking about how badly she wanted to be in a relationship, I found myself calling her out on it a bit. "Girl, you ain't said nothin' about a man all year and now you want to be with somebody?" After she (literally) poked out her lip, she said, "It just seems like everyone in the world is with someone but me and I don't like it."
Listen, it doesn't matter how much you adore your single state, there are definitely going to be times when you will either want what others have or wonder what it would be like to have what others have and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. At the same time, if you're tempted to reroute your entire life just because of six weeks' worth of sentiment, at least make the time to skim this so that you're absolutely sure. Because having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve is one thing. Taking on all that comes with being in a relationship? That is a reindeer of a whole 'nother color, sis.
So, the Hallmark Movies Have Got You Going, Eh?
OK, kinda off of the subject yet not really — what is up with all of these interracial couples in these holiday Hallmark and Lifetime movies and commercials? Listen, my goddaughters are bi-ethnic, so that is no diss; however, Black love is my lane and it seems like that is getting harder and harder to find right through here. Whew.
Anyway, although I'm not personally a holiday observer (and no, I am not a Jehovah's Witness), I do enjoy a good-'n-semi-corny holiday romance film, more than anything, because of the sweet innocence that seems to come along with it (which is hard to come by in TV and film these days). A word of caution, though — if you watch too many of those, it can definitely get you caught up if you're single. What I mean by that is, after about three of 'em, you'll be close to crying into your hot chocolate because it will seem like EVERYONE in the world is boo'd up when that isn't even close to being the case. Not by a long shot.
Still, if you know that you are naturally super sentimental, you might want to balance how much lovey-dovey stuff that you consume. Holiday movies are supposed to make you feel good. If all they're doing is making you feel lonely, it's time to read a book, listen to a podcast, or do something else.
Is This the Time of Year That Has You “Feeling Some Type of Way” Every Year?
I'm pretty sure it will come as no surprise to you that a whopping 40 percent of engagements happen in between Christmas and Valentine's Day. So, between IG posts of randoms with their sparkling diamonds, your friends with pics of them standing underneath the mistletoe, and perhaps even looking around at your family members and their boo, it's important to sit back and assess if you actually want to be with someone right now or does it just seem like this is the time of year when it is made abundantly clear that you aren't.
Then, once you've got that question answered, follow it up with if the holidays are a trigger for you every year. If so, don't take that lightly because you don't want to go out there and try and make a relationship out of scraps (an ex, a booty call, etc.) just because you're going through an annual trigger that will pass just (about) as fast as it came. You'd be better off treating yourself to a pampering day than forcing a relationship that you know you don't really want but try to make work…just because you're a little (overly) emotional right now.
After New Year’s, Do You Even Have Time to Maintain a Relationship?
Something that I personally think the holidays and weddings have in common is folks can put a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and expenses into both, only for both to end pretty quickly. My point? When it comes to weddings, couples need to make sure that they are taking their life following their nuptials into account. And when it comes to the holidays, well — if you were doing just fine not having a man prior to Thanksgiving, what makes you suddenly think that now is the time to get with one?
Y'all, something that life and time have taught me is things are best when they happen organically when they aren't forced. If you happen to meet a guy at your favorite coffee shop the day before Christmas, awesome. Yet if you don't, again, your life was pretty full before the holiday season began, and trust me, these next few weeks are about to fly right on by. So, if you already know that you've got a ton of plans for the new year and being in a relationship would kinda sorta ruffle them, it's probably best that you are single right now. Don't mourn this fact. Celebrate it.
Always Remember That Sentimentality and Responsibility Are Two Very Different Things.
Whew. If you don't get anything else from this piece, please get this (and yes, I'm about to yell it) — THERE ARE A TON OF PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING DIVORCED, EVEN AS WE SPEAK, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE CAUGHT UP IN THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT SOMEONE MORE THAN THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT COMES WITH BEING IN A HEALTHY AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP. To be sentimental isn't just about having feelings of love; it is also tied into nostalgia. And believe you me, I have found myself holding someone in my heart or bed far longer than I should've and it was all because nostalgia — not love — had gotten the best of me.
Besides, if you are single during the holiday season, don't take for granted the perks and pluses that can come with that — sleeping in, saving money, not sharing a remote, hanging out wherever you want with whomever you want for as long as you want, going on a few different dates with a few different guys…I can go on and on. Something that I share from time to time is a video that my goddaughter's mom did for me many years ago (you can check it out here; Rissi also has a dope Apple radio show called Color Me Country. Learn more about it here and here). She's married and she gets really real about the price that comes with that. It's a great reminder that while love is a beautiful thing, there are some blessings that come with being single that are totally unmatched as well (again, watch the video).
“Cuffing Season” Can Apply to YOU Too.
OK, so what if you read all of what I just said and you're like, "I hear you, Shellie. I would still like to go on a romantic date, binge-watch some shows on the couch or cuddle up while listening to some Donny Hathaway this year." Understood and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. That said, there is a big difference between being in a relationship and having a cuffing partner or even just someone to casually date right through here. Definitely do some pondering on which one you actually desire because the latter two require a lot less, basically everything, than that first one does.
Speaking of cuffing season, you know, it really does trip me out that when the topic of it comes up, it's oftentimes assumed that it's a "man's sport" when the reality is they wouldn't be able to pull it off without us. So, if after reading a lot of this, you know that what you want is some holiday company more than anything else, be real with yourself about that and then be honest with others who may be trying to set you up on a blind date or who may be trying to make a match with you online. At the end of the day, cuffing season is about people who want some company and not necessarily a relationship. Personally, I have a lot more respect for people who are honest about that fact than those who try to make something be more than what it is, all in the name of holiday-themed romance.
Whatever You Do, Plan and Choose Wisely, Sis.
See the feature pic for this piece? Imagine that the woman in it got linked up to the guy via a co-worker a week prior to Halloween. Neither of them could travel home for Christmas due to their work schedules, so they stayed at his/her/both places from Christmas thru New Year's and made some great, umm, memories. How beautiful — only, come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, somebody's period is late and the pregnancy test that she bought seems to have the faintest double line on it. Or, her period is on schedule but there seem to be some little bumps down below. Or, her health is all good but someone is suddenly not answering her calls or responding to her texts anymore.
I could go on and on with various scenarios yet the point is this — whether you decide to make this the year that you get into something serious or you just want some holiday company to tide you over, please don't just let your feelings just run away in any direction that they want. Be honest with yourself, not just about what you want but what you need. Put together a plan that will serve you best. Then move in wisdom, taking your future and not just the present into account. Because no matter how much you may have the urge to reenact some rom-com right now, reality always sets back in and that's what you'll have to deal with after the credits that triggered your emotions in the first place stop rolling. Remember that. Every holiday season. OK? Cool.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
Shaunie Henderson On Being A Nontraditional Pastor Wife
Shaunie Henderson, the creator and executive producer of Basketball Wives, redefines traditional expectations as a pastor's spouse and first lady of The Lighthouse Church.
The star's journey began with a whirlwind romance with Pastor Keion Henderson in 2020, which led to their marriage years later. Since then, Shaunie has embraced many typical first lady roles, including supporting her husband, engaging in ministry responsibilities, providing spiritual leadership, and conducting community outreach.
Yet, the 49-year-old's background sets her apart from other first ladies. Shaunie brings a unique perspective as a public figure, which stems from her previous marriage to NBA star Shaquille O'Neal and her experience in reality television.
In an interview with xoNecole, while promoting her memoir Undefeated, the Basketball Wives creator discussed what being a first lady means to her and how she has lived her life non-traditionally.
When asked if she had always been nontraditional, Shaunie revealed that throughout her life, she has made it her mission to better herself by learning from experiences and breaking harmful cycles.
Shaunie Henderson and Pastor Keion Henderson
Photo by Robin L Marshall/Getty Images
“I think that's just who I am. I can’t say I intentionally go against the grain. In the book, I talk about things from my childhood, like my dad being late all the time. I was totally opposite with my kids when they were in school. I was always there early. My mother is not affectionate, and she doesn't verbally say, ‘I love you,’ but she does things to let you know. That's the way she shows her love,” she said when describing her relationship with her parents.
“But because I missed that 'I love you' and hugging and kissing, I do that with my kids. I try to always give what I needed myself. There were basketball wives who weren’t very nice to me, so I went out of my way to make sure that once I was a wife that I didn't treat anybody else like that. No one was going to feel like that on my watch.”
Toward the end of the conversation, when discussing her first lady responsibilities and the pressures of upholding that image, the mother of five explained she isn't too hard on herself to fit the mold, given her significantly different background from most first ladies and her relatively new role.
“As far as being first lady, now, I'm not knocking how any first ladies decide to operate but I just knew that the idea of what that usually is was not me. And, to be honest, rightfully so. I'm probably the only first lady that created a reality show that has been on television since 2010. My life is not remotely close to that of most first ladies. We've experienced completely different things. Most of them have been pastor’s wives for a long time, this is all new for me. I come with an entirely different journey; that wouldn’t lend itself to being a traditional first lady,” she stated.
Shaunie's nontraditional approach appears to work in her favor, as she has been welcomed with open arms just as she is.
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Feature image by Marcus Ingram/Getty Images