
2020 marks the 20th year that I've been making most of my living as a writer.
Although, during that time, I had a couple of other gigs here and there, all of them allowed me to work from home, with no micromanaging and very limited drama. Amen. Praise the Lord! Yet as I was sitting here and reflecting on what life was like when I did have full-time gigs, I have to admit that, in some cases, the title of this article is what motivated me to get the hell out of those offices. Emotional abuse? It is the absolute worst.
Problem is, I'm not sure if a lot of us even stop to consider that it's something that could possibly be happening at our place of employment; especially between us and our manager, supervisor, or boss.
Before showing you some of the telltale signs of it, I'll already say that if a part of you is "triggered" at the mere thought of being abused in this fashion, that is probably your first clue that something unhealthy is going on. Then I'll follow that up by saying, if even three of the signs check out, you really should consider an exit strategy.
If you have no clue how to go about doing that, I've got a little present for you. It comes in the form of a YouTube video entitled "I Saved $20,000 And Quit My Full-Time Job To Be 'Funemployed'". The video is totally worth your time to watch but the gist is this—a woman who goes by Evelyn From The Internets shared her definition of funemployed. It's "being unemployed on purpose". In her sixteen-minutes-and-some-change totally entertaining share, Evelyn talks about wanting to leave her full-time gig and how she saved enough money (I believe it was in a year) so that she didn't have to go from one stress-filled job to another. Or, as it relates to this article, one emotionally abusive corporate situation into another.
With articles out in cyberspace like "Why Are Workers Quitting Their Jobs in Record Numbers?" and "85% of People Hate Their Jobs, Gallup Poll Says", I'd venture to say that more than a few are victims of emotional abuse in the workplace. They and you deserve better. So sis, if you see these red flags, perhaps 2020 is the year for you to become funemployed (with the operative word, finally, being "fun"). And just what are the signs of an emotionally abusive boss?
They’re Micro-Managers
I mean, really. Is there anything more insulting than being hired for a position, only to have someone breathing down your neck to make sure that you do your job? Why did they hire you if all they were going to do was send you an incessant amount of emails, make you do daily reports (that is really nothing more than mere busywork), and find a way to complain about each and every little thing that you try and complete?
Just like there is such a thing as helicopter parenting, there is also such a thing as having a helicopter boss. They are the kind of people who have an office full of adults, but you would think that they are in a daycare full of children. You didn't sign up to be patronized, condescended, or constantly followed up on. So yes, if your boss is a micromanager, this is just one indication that you are being emotionally abused at work.
They Are Big Time Gas Lighters
I can take a lot of things, boy. But if there's one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it's a gas lighter. They are the kind of people who are master manipulators. They pull it off by withholding information or distorting facts in such a way that when you bring a matter to their attention, they are so cryptic that you end up feeling like you're confused or you are totally losing your mind.
How do you know if your boss is a grade-A gas lighter? Do they deny doing or saying something that you know for a fact that they did or said? Did the two of you come to a mutual agreement about something, only for them to suddenly renege? Are they hypocrites in the sense that they expect more from you than they do of themselves? Do they tell little "white lies" or cut corners often enough that you start to feel drained and unable to do your best work? Whenever you address any of this, do they claim to understand, only for you to end up with more work or for other staff members to give you the cold shoulder (probably because your boss has been slick-talking about you)?
Gaslighting sucks because sometimes it can be hard to put your finger on it. But if you just read all of that and you had to fight the urge to jump up out of your seat in agreement, 1) you are the victim of a gas lighter and 2) it is definitely a form of emotional abuse.
They Constantly Shift Blame
It's one thing to go above what's expected of you because you feel inspired to do it. It's another to have to refer to your job description, at least twice a week because it seems like you're doing so much more than what you were initially hired to do.
Doing your best is one thing. Doing three other people's jobs while only getting paid for yours is something entirely different. If your desk is full of other people's responsibilities, if you can't remember the last time you got home at a decent hour or if it seems like you're stressed out and overwhelmed at the mere thought of walking into the office every day, not only is this a clue that your boss is probably taking advantage of you, you are most definitely being emotionally abused (especially if you bring all of this up to them and they blow you off).
They Take Credit That They Don’t Deserve
We all know that when we work for a company, there are going to be times when we don't get the credit that we deserve. That's actually why a lot of people become entrepreneurs—they don't want all of their skills and ingenuity to go into building someone else's dreams; they would much rather build up their own. But it's one thing to not get your just due every once in a while. It's another matter entirely when your intellectual property, blood, sweat, and tears are things that your boss puts their name on rather than yours on a regular basis. Not only is it shady as hell, but it's a low-key form of stealing.
Please don't think that just because you work for a business that not getting credit for the work that you do should automatically come with the territory. No matter how many companies might like their employees to think so, it's foul and yep, you guessed it—it's also pretty darn abusive.
They Are Passive Aggressive
This is another trait that drives me up the wall. Do you get backhanded compliments like, "You did so much better on this than I thought you would"? Is your boss's humor really hard to read? When you try and receive feedback from them, is it so unclear that you're exhausted after meeting with them or reading their emails? Does it feel like you never receive clear instructions? Do they spend—and by that, I mean waste—a lot of time exerting their authority by enforcing petty and pointless rules? Are they really warm to you on one day and cold as ice the next?
If so, none of this is normal behavior; it doesn't matter how used to it you've become. And if there's a part of you that wonders why someone would go through the drama of being passive-aggressive, typically it's because it's the kind of behavior that is easier rationalize (at least in their own minds) over being frank or direct (which could lead to confrontation). Yes, it's exhausting, but since it's hard to pinpoint what a passive-aggressive person is doing, they can keep triggering you without directly being seen—or reported—as being a bad guy or girl.
Passive aggression can push someone into becoming aggressive. That is why it made this particular list.
They’ve Got a Selective Memory
They told you that you could take Friday off. Then when Thursday rolls around, they give you a ton of work that's due by Monday. During a staff meeting, assignments are clearly delegated. Oh, but a week later, you get an email about doing something that was never previously discussed. You schedule a meeting with your supervisor because you are interested in a position that was recently posted in-house. They agree to keep you in mind but then hire someone who has never worked for the company before. And, to all of these things, your boss comes at you on some, "Oh…did we discuss that? I don't recall."
While there are times when that might be the case, just like it is your responsibility to remember to come to work on time and remember to do your job, it is your boss's responsibility to remember to keep their word. A selective memory is a not-so-low-key sign of a lack of respect. Who can remain in a healthy and productive relationship with anyone who doesn't respect them?
They Threaten Your Position. Regularly.
Another example of an emotionally abusive boss is they try and intimidate you. An example of this is them constantly making you feel like if you don't comply with all of the examples of emotional abuse that I just shared—or if you decide to tell the higher-ups about these things—they will cause you to lose your job—or they will make you so miserable that you will up and quit.
If this is what you feel is going on, again, watch the video about how to be funemployed. Then put an exit strategy together that consists of—saving money; looking for another position; keeping record of how you are being mistreated; identifying how they trigger you (so that you can work on deactivating them); setting boundaries (do your job well but also be OK with saying no to doing tons more for nothing in return) and getting totally off of the clock once you leave the office.
Emotional abuse, of any kind, is something you shouldn't have to experience. Never assume that, just because it's happening at your place of employment and that you are getting a check in return, your boss is justified. They are not. Abuse is abuse. Simple as that.
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Itunes and Spotify.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Unhealthy Workplace Stresses You Need To Break Free From
What Happened When I Tried Being More Assertive At Work
Is The Grind For The Corner Office Putting Us In the Casket?
Feature image by Shutterstock
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
One thing that will never go out of style is the pride Black women take in showcasing and adorning our crowns. From sculpting braids to sleek bobs and curls for days, the girls are always playing with texture, color, and undeniable creativity—switching up our hairstyles like we do our moods. This season, hair is less about what's trending and more about expression. We're experimenting, evolving, and embodying every version of ourselves.
In partnership with SheaMoisture, this year's It Girl 100 celebrates the beauty of "Yes, And," an ode to the women who wear every side of themselves with confidence. These innovators remind us power and softness, heritage and reinvention, can beautifully co-exist. It's a call to own every layer of who we are. Because being an It Girl isn’t about choosing one version of yourself. It’s about saying yes to all of them.
Below, the women featured in xoNecole's It Girl 100 Class of 2025 are doing that—and then some—eloquently showing us how to say "Yes, And," to hair looks that always serve.
Luxe Layers x Serena Page
From braids and twists to platinum wigs, Love Island season six winner Serena Page continues to prove she can do it all, and do it all flawlessly. No matter the style, her hair game is undefeated. The softly layered middle-part with just the right amount of bounce is a classic Black girl hairstyle that gives inches without sacrificing body. It's a style that gives soft glam with a finish so seamless it could pass as a silk press—the kind of just-left-the-salon ease we all crave.
The Remix Cut x Ruesworld
When it comes to a short cut with attitude, Ruthann Palacios does not come to play. Known on social media by the moniker @ruesworldd, the content creator keeps her foot on our necks with the way she remixes her short cuts time and time again. Her recent sculpted, asymmetrical style is less of the "pixie" we're used to and more of a power move as she channels the bold innovation of '90s icons like Missy Elliott. This time, with extra length through her crown and right side, a sharp shorn left etched with box designs, and added length in the back, the hairstyle is equal parts edgy and architectural while being a look that's completely her own.
"I just told my stylist I wanted something cool and let them have full creative control with it," Ruthann told us of the hairstyle. "It channels my It Girl energy because I’m not afraid to take risks and show up boldly as myself, no matter the look." As a resident It Girl, it's clearly Rue's world—we're just living in it.
Fulani Flow x Kayla Nicole
Founder and podcast host Kayla Nicole's face card never declines, and neither do her statement hairstyles. One such look was her Fulani braids, a style that looked like it was made to be her signature. Originating from the Fulani people of West Africa, this traditional style features cornrows braided down the center of the head, with smaller plaits framing the face and beads or accessories woven throughout. Kayla's take on the tradition complete with center cornrows once again proved what we all know to be true: when it comes to heritage and repping for the culture, an It Girl never has to choose.
Top Tier Knot x Yana C.
Known to her followers online as @goldynaps, Yana C. is the queen of turning hair into her favorite art form. One of her latest looks feels like a love letter to '90s Black hair creativity. With Fulani-inspired cornrows braided flat and finished into bantu knots that line the center of her head like a crown, paired with a sleek straight sew-in flowing in the back, the style is equal parts nostalgic and next-level. And, of course, her signature ash blonde locks takes it all up a notch.
"This style was inspired by the ’90s—my favorite era for artistry in Black hair!” Yana shared with xoNecole. “My hair has always been such a notable part of who I am, and I love to express myself through it and make it an extension of my personal style. This style channels my It Girl energy because it’s a reminder that Black hair isn’t just hair—it’s art."
The look, which racked up major views on TikTok, is giving everything it needs to give. Because for Yana, self-expression will always make her the main character.
Sculpted Braids x Shema Love
Let Black girls be whimsical.
For content creator and creative visionary Shema Love, this hairstyle encapsulates that mood perfectly. The intricate, symmetrical design captures both the power and the playfulness defining this season's resident Black girl hair renaissance for It Girls everywhere. "I loved the whimsy of this hairstyle. I want to see Black women be allowed to experiment more with whimsy with our hair," Shema shares with xoNecole. "I love the symmetry of it and a look that shines from every angle. And of course, no style ever feels complete to me without my baby hairs laid."
Boho Boss Braids x Toni Bravo
Toni Bravo may be the "CEO of Blush," but she is also a resident slayer of hair looks. Whether she's rocking a custom install or a silk press, the content creator is making a hair moment just as often as she's putting us on to the latest beauty finds. But when she debuted her boho box braids earlier this year, she reminded us that every new hair alert hits just a little different.
Loose, free-flowing curls woven through intricate box braids add movement and softness to the tried-and-true style, creating a look that’s equal parts effortless and elevated. "I wanted something a little messy but just as intentional, and it was perfect. It channels the part of me that loves to have fun and switch it up while trying something new," Toni tells us about her look. "An It Girl knows that the best things are right outside of your comfort zone."
The low-maintenance meets high-impact style is one that channels Toni's booked, busy, and bossy era to a T.
Black Girl Bob x Maya Allen
Whether asymmetrical, curly, or blunt, there's something irrefutably It Girl about rocking a bob. With quiet confidence, it's a cut that commands attention. Beauty editor and expert Maya Allen has worn different iterations of the bob throughout the years, but this one—styled with a deep side part and cut just below her jawline—frames her face and enviable bone structure to perfection. In an interview with Cosmopolitan, Maya dubbed her signature bob "a power cut." "It’s like a power suit for my hair," she added. "It makes me feel fierce and effortlessly chic without ever having to try too hard."
Fro The Culture x Zaynah
The afro will forever be a cultural statement. It's a style that represents the most natural state of our hair, a crown that often defies gravity whenever we choose to wear it. Content creator Zaynah understands the fro's power as a symbol of Black beauty and can be seen wearing her type 4 hair unapologetically in much of her viral social media content. Whether achieved through twist-outs, braid outs, wash n' gos, or perfectly picked, Zaynah's take on the afro hairstyle is full, stretched, and beautifully shaped. With it, she embodies not just It Girl energy with pride and confidence, but the freedom to take up space.
Pony Up x Kirah Ominique
As far as we're concerned, nobody does a ponytail quite like Kirah Ominique. The It Girl's It Girl has made the sleek, added-hair ponytail as signature of hers when she's not sporting braids or a slick-back bun. With her baby hairs laid, and every strand of her hair smoothed and locked into place, the hairstyle is a clean, sculpted serve that's as chic as it is fierce. The content creator and beauty influencer's ponytails are the perfect blend of playfulness and precision, a put-together staple in every It Girl's hairstyle arsenal.
In Her Copper Era x Keke Palmer
If "blondes have more fun," then the ladies deciding to rock copper are rewriting the rules. In recent years, copper has had a bit of a resurgence as a warmer, richer take on going lighter, and nobody's been owning that energy lately quite like Keke Palmer. This year, the host and actress debuted her now-signature hue in its boldest form yet: a tousled face-framing pixie that gives the timeless allure we've come to associate with '90s icons like Nia Long and Halle Berry.
As Byrdie put it best, "We've seen the shade at every length and in every style, but this one is truly something special."
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list here.
Featured image courtesy of Ruthann Palacios






