7 Things That Make Marriage Different From Seriously Dating
Anyone who knows me has heard me say, shoot, at least a dozen (times two) times that I think one of the most underrated causes of divorce is the fact that too many people "act married" in their dating dynamics before ever jumping the broom. Another way to look at what I'm saying is, the way a lot of us act in before-I-do relationships, it actually teaches us how to divorce rather than how to remain in a marriage until death parts us from our spouse (more on this in a bit). And you know what? I actually think that's a huge part of the reason why so many folks dismiss the sacredness of the marital union and instead, take on the attitude of, "I mean, if it doesn't work out, just end it and find someone else"…because that's what happens when we date. RIGHT?
While being in a serious non-marital relationship is nothing to be flippant about and it indeed holds a lot of value, for the sake of doing all that I can to prevent future walks down the aisle from turning into two individuals later standing before a judge, I wanted to take a time to shout the magnitude of marriage out. For those who are considering it. For those who are engaged. And for those who are married, so that we all can bring the beauty, purpose and gravity of marriage—back.
1. Marriage Is a Contract
I'll never forget something that a husband of over a couple of decades once told me. He said, "One of the hardest things about being married is trying to see the relationship as sexy when your spouse is also your business partner." Listen, I was just recently talking to some men who tried to pull that "Why do I need to marry my girl? Marriage is just a piece of paper" line when they were talking to me about their girlfriends. I loathe that statement just about as much as that, "If you like it, I love it" thing that a lot of people say.
Umm, the title to your car isn't "just a piece of paper" and neither is the deed to your house—and you definitely would flip out if you didn't have those. A marriage license brings along with it some responsibilities that no one who is just dating or living together is expected, even by the government, to uphold. Plus, there are consequences if you don't uphold those responsibilities too.
That said, I will say that it is definitely well worth your time to do some research on how marriage licenses came to be. Long story short, we didn't even use them in America until the 1920s and it was actually to keep tabs on interracial couples (the more you know, right? You can read more about that here). That's why some people prefer to go with a marriage certificate than an actual license. That's another article for another time. For now, though, since an overwhelming majority of people go the marriage license route, and a license, by definition, is "formal permission from a governmental or other constituted authority to do something" and "a certificate, tag, plate, etc., giving proof of such permission; official permit" and then since a contract is "an agreement enforceable by law", this definitely tops the differences between having an official spouse vs. dating someone on a serious level. Marriage comes with a contract. Signed contracts are nothing to take a casual attitude about.
2. Vows Are Heavy Promises. Very.
If you're someone who is a bible follower, it's worth checking out what Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11 and Malachi 2:13-17 has to say about God's views on divorce. And when it comes to vows specifically, Ecclesiastes 3:4-5(NKJV) is pretty sobering. It says, "When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—better not to vow than to vow and not pay." That said, how many times have you sat in a wedding service and heard the pastor or officiant say, "What God has joined together, let no man separate" (which is also in the Bible, by the way. It's a direct quote from Matthew 19:6)? This speaks to two people being joined, by God, in marriage. This means that the vows they are saying to each other, they are saying to him as well. This means that if they break said vows, it's not just to their partner. God is in the mix too. That's pretty heavy.
Yet even if you're not a bible-based person, vows are still a really big deal. It's literally "a solemn promise, pledge, or personal commitment". Some of y'all might remember India.Arie's song "Promises" from back in the day. The hook says, "A promise, is a promise in my eyes/Can't say you're gonna just to compromise/The very thing that keeps two hearts intertwined/A promise is a promise you can't deny, there's no way." Indeed.
A promise speaks to more than intent. It's a commitment. It speaks to one's character. One's maturity. One's focus on honoring their word, even when they may not want to or feel like it. A promise is all about integrity. That's why I like that a wise person once said, "People with good intentions make promises. People with good character keep them."
Speaking of character, when it comes to honoring one's marital vows, it's been reported that atheists are better at it than Christians are. When I once discussed this fact with a married atheist couple they simply said, "We don't need religion to keep our word." And won't that preach? So yeah, marriage is quite different from seriously dating in the sense that, while you should always do what you say you're gonna do, marriage vows take that up a few notches. Then add tax. Spiritually and as far as one's character goes.
3. Marriage Consists of Obligations That Dating Doesn’t
Yeah, while some of y'all might not sit well with the word "obligation", that doesn't make the reality any less true because when you're obligated to something, it means that it's "something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc." Did you see that "law" word again? There is definitely a sense of duty that comes with the custom of marriage. No doubt. There is the obligation to remain faithful. There is the obligation to make each other the top priority, no matter what. Husbands traditionally have an obligation to provide and protect. Wives traditionally have the obligation to be their husband's strong support system and partner. Spouses don't do this stuff just because they feel like it; it comes with being married.
If in your mind you're like, but I am seeing someone and I do these things too—I get that. However, you aren't obligated too. For instance, if the understanding in your relationship is that the two of you aren't going to see other people, that is a choice, not exactly an obligation because if your partner finds out, all they can really do is break up with you. A divorce is far more complicated than a break-up.
Then there are the rights that come with marriage. Married couples can file joint tax returns. If a divorce transpires, alimony typically comes into play. Spouses can inherit their spouse's property should they die. Should they pass on, they can also collect their spouse's Social Security, pension, worker's compensation, or disability benefits. This is because a marriage license basically obligates the government to uphold these kinds of things. A dating dynamic never has these kinds of things coming into play. Another thing that makes the two statuses worlds apart.
4. Spouses Can Legitimately Make Certain Requirements
I do strive to be a bible follower myself, so something that I take no issue with is submission (umm, because it is biblical. Ephesians 5, Titus 2, Colossians 3:18, I Peter 3:1-6). It's a part of the reason why I don't consider myself to be a feminist; I am a complementarian (also another discussion for another time). However, what I will say is I'm not an advocate of women submitting to someone that they date. For what?
Submission is a gift that is given in marriage to a man who is also pledging to be your provider and protector for the rest of your life. It's my personal opinion that no man deserves something that special without that level of commitment. Yet once that commitment is in place, there are requirements that both husbands and wives can make with one another. Another word for requirement would be boundaries.
A requirement is a request made that comes with a certain level of authority and yes, I think that applies in marriage. "Husband" and "wife" aren't just cute words; they are titles. When we see someone with a wedding band on, it signifies that there is someone in their life who comes before all others and with that understanding, they are things that they both can ask for that no other kind of relationship can. I'm not gonna get into what those things are because every marriage is different. What I will say is if you ask any husband or wife you know if there are obligations in the relationship, I'd be shocked if they said "no".
5. Marriage Necessitates Sacrifices That Dating Does Not
Unfortunately, something that I see far too often in some of the marriage sessions that I have are people who don't want to make sacrifices to make their relationship work. It's like the moment things get too difficult, they're out—again, like their spouse is a boyfriend or girlfriend rather than a husband or wife. I don't know one marriage that has lasted for longer than the traditional seven-year itch that hasn't made some major sacrifices. It could be professional, financial, ones that are related to in-laws or friends—the list goes on and on. Shoot, sometimes the sacrifice is wanting to end the marriage and yet deciding to stay in it for the sake of the kids (yet one more discussion for another time). Maybe it's wanting to live in one state or country and not being able to do it because the spouse isn't interested.
Let me tell it, one of the best things about being single is there aren't continual sacrifices that have to be made for the sake of another person (unless you are a single parent, of course). That's not saying that I don't respect the sacrifices that are made in marriage. After all, a sacrifice is "to surrender or give up, for the sake of something else". All I'm saying is, singleness provides the opportunity to be more selfish—in the solely focused on yourself sense—than marriage ever allows. And if you're not emotionally mature enough to see how sometimes giving up what you want for the greater good of someone else and the relationship that you're in with them is necessary, you are far better off not getting married. Until you do.
6. Sex Is a Priority, Not Just an Activity, in Marriage
Speaking of selfish, I know A LOT of sexually selfish married people. Yep, I said "selfish" and that's the word I'm sticking with because being selfish is all about being self-consumed—and that is something that you can't afford to be in marriage, including in the bedroom. As I once heard someone say on a television show (that escapes me at the moment), "When you get married, you exchange 'I' for 'we'" and that will preach a thousand sermons. And it's definitely one of the things that we have to keep in mind, should we choose to be sexually active prior to marriage.
Here's what I mean by that. Remember how I said that the way a lot of us date—meet someone, "fall" in love, give our all, break up, rinse and repeat…over and over again—teaches us how to divorce because it desensitizes us from what it means to see marriage in a totally different light? Sex can do that too, if we're not careful. We'll be out here, single, having sex solely for our pleasure (and sometimes if our partner wants to), without really thinking about the purpose beyond sex other than our own personal gain. Then, once we get married and realize, "Oh, sex should be a staple in the relationship", we will find ourselves struggling. It happens all of the time.
That's a huge part of the reason why I wrote articles for the site like "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "7 Spiritual Principles About Sex That Married Couples Should Never Forget", "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides" and "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex". It's to help drive home the point that if marriage kicks a relationship up some notches, sex in marriage most definitely does too.
Sex is to be a top priority in marriage. Sex is a responsibility in marriage. Sex is more than physical pleasure in marriage as well. It's an act that helps to solidify oneness between married people which makes it special and sacred in every way. This brings me to my final point.
7. If You Are Spiritual, There Is True Oneness in Marriage
Let's end this on a biblical and then spiritual (for the non-biblical people) note. When it comes to the Bible, there is only one relationship in the Good Book that defines it in the form of oneness—and marriage is it. The Bible clearly says it in Genesis 2:24-25(NKJV) when it states, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." The Bible doesn't see dating in this fashion (there actually isn't dating in there at all; just betrothing). The Bible doesn't see friendship like this (although Jonathan did love David "as his own soul" in I Samuel 18:3; it wasn't marital oneness). The Bible doesn't even say this about parents and children. Nope. Just husbands and wives. So yes, while the sexual experiences you have with someone you are dating can bring about a certain level of oneness (I Corinthians 6:16-20—Message), the holistic kind that God permits is only within the confines of marriage.
Oneness is dope too. Oneness speaks to sameness. Oneness speaks to a union. Oneness speaks to affinity. Oneness speaks to an agreement. Oneness speaks to uniqueness. Every couple, once they decide to get married, whether they realize it or not, signed up to strive to complement one another in the sense of getting on the same accord, being unified, having a profound affinity for one another, working in agreement and being unlike any other married couple who has made the same commitment to their own partner. This is a huge part of what the Bible speaks of when it refers to oneness and, even if you're not a "bible person", the words that I offered up for oneness are literal definitions. Marriage is about putting forth the effort, daily, to join one's lives together to create a kind of oneness that no other relationship could ever do.
I've loved men before. I once had a fiancé who I still grieve, 25 years later. Yet none of my experiences have been comparable to marriage. Still special. Still real. Still impactful. However, the more I work with married couples, study marriage, and come to understand what it is designed to do, it really is galaxies away from dating dynamics. The more we accept that, hopefully, the more we'll respect the marital union—and the more cautious you'll be, if you're single, about getting married someday. Amen? Amen.
Featured image via Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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