"AHT AHT."
Two very simple words that my mother probably learned from her mother that have shaped my world. They've taught me not to touch things that might burn me, they've protected me from wandering places that didn't serve me, and they've helped me to draw boundaries with people who could hurt me.
These are only a few of the wise words my mother has imparted in me as I've evolved from her baby girl to a grown-ass woman—crumbs of advice that I now know were survival tactics. And as we endure the side effects of a global pandemic, GirlTrek's #DaughtersOf campaign wants us to know that it's these gentle (and sometimes stern) words that will allow us to survive, thrive, and rise like a phoenix above the ashes when this ends.
Courtesy of Taylor Honore
Executive produced by Shantrelle Lewis, #DaughtersOf wants Black women who are descendants of the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade to reconnect with both our matriarchal heritage and the self-care tips and tactics that they used to endure hard times, which our mothers and grandmothers later passed down to us. Shantrelle told xoNecole, "Although my grandmother wasn't a well-off woman, she was a hard-working woman and she always made sure to impress upon me the importance of having something for yourself. This advice clearly was also instilled in my mama."
She continued, "She always made sure we had what we needed to take care of ourselves, whether it was something we wanted or just in case of emergencies. To this day, when I'm home in New Orleans, when I'm leaving out the house my mama asks me whether or not I need any money. I laugh just thinking about it because I'm grown! But that's her way of taking care of me and making sure I'm always good no matter what."
To celebrate Mother's Day, #DaughtersOf will host a live sacred, special conversation with Angela Davis and Nikki Giovanni Friday, May 8th at 7 p.m. EST on Facebook Live, but until then, we sat down with 10 women featured in the campaign to discuss the most powerful life lessons they learned from their mother-figures about survival and, let me tell you sis, our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and aunties ain't raise no fools.
Here's what we learned:
“God bless a child that's got her own."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Grandma
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"In general, I always had this notion that my joy and success was interrelated with making sure that I was always able to take care of myself. It also allowed me to take risks in my career because ultimately I knew that if I fell, my parents would be there to catch me. More specifically, I think I put off getting married and having children until after I was able to pursue my dreams and to create a little something of my own for myself. I started buying property right out of college and even though I've worked for non-profits for most of my career, I've always had extra streams of income cause 'God bless that child who's got her own!'" - Shantrelle Lewis, Director and Executive Producer of Daughters Of Campaign
"Protect your energy."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"My mother taught and still teaches me about discernment––to be mindful of the folks I keep close and to protect my energy. I have learned a lot over the years after being hurt or feeling exposed by people I thought were my friends. I learned to tighten my circle of friends. And that has meant that as I grow and expand particularly with my work, that my circle gets smaller and tighter. I'm certain that this has saved me lots of headache and hardship. [These words have] allowed me to let go of energy that doesn't feel good and center my self-care." - Latham Thomas, Maternal Health Expert
"It takes a village."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Aunt Peggy
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"I was raised by my aunt, Peggy. What I learned from her is that we can stand in the gap for our sisters, aunts, cousins. Even if you don't have a primary caregiver, there's a village of people in our community to rally for us. My aunt Peggy made space for me in her home. She cared for me when her sister couldn't. That's the lesson I hold dear with me. That's the fundamental principle of GirlTrek. We are a village, tribe, we are our sisters' keepers. We are stronger together. We require each other. She rallied for me and I rally for other Black women. Survival is a group sport." - Vanessa Garrison, GirlTrek Co-Founder & Chief Operating Officer
"Go hard in the paint for love. Never justify what satisfies your soul."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"Meditation happens in the small moments––washing rice, braiding hair, sweeping floors. Every moment that we are at peace is a blessing and a reason to rejoice. My home was filled with abundant love, daily forgiveness and a righteous, wait-at-the-bus-stop-type hustle. I'm grateful for the soft-spoken giants who raised me. My mom is 79 years old and stunning. So beautiful. A few years ago she got remarried. It was a bold move and it taught me something that I will take to the grave: Go hard in the paint for love. Never justify what satisfies your soul." - T. Morgan Dixon, GirlTrek Co-founder and CEO
"I'm grateful for the soft-spoken giants who raised me. My mom is 79 years old and stunning. So beautiful. A few years ago she got remarried. It was a bold move and it taught me something that I will take to the grave: Go hard in the paint for love. Never justify what satisfies your soul."
"Life is not easy but the struggles we endure make us wiser and stronger.”
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"When I was younger, my backdrop for her words were my experiences at school for being one of the only black girls in my classes––Of being teased, isolated, often misunderstood, and labeled as something that I was not. My mom fought many of my battles, she advocated on my behalf with grace and persistence against systems and people who made it clear through their actions of othering that I did not belong, or at least, so they thought. Those were her words to help me through.
"Now that I am older, the words land differently. I didn't really have it hard growing up; not in the way that she did––hunger during childhood, immigration challenges, and working her way through school while raising me on her own. She provided protection from the realities that she knew and taught me the valuable lesson of what justice, advocacy, and valuing the humanity of others through her protection looks and feels like. It is through these love lessons that I have gained strength and wisdom and not through struggle." - Aletha Maybank, MD, MPHChief, Health Equity Officer at the American Medical Association
"There ain't no use in standing around complaining 'cause ain't nobody coming to save you."
Rog Walker
Wise Words From: Grandma and Mama
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"These words were often hard to hear, yet they made me a problem-solver, resilient, and self-reliant. I pride myself on being a strategic thinker. Anytime I'm in a difficult situation, before asking for help, I seek out solutions. I hate appearing helpless and needy. While this advice has mostly worked in my favor, it has also led me to feel ashamed when I have needed help. I'm slowly leaning into the truth that 'everybody needs somebody sometimes.'" - Rev. Dr. Theresa S. Thames, Associate Dean of Religious Life and the Chapel at Princeton University
"Make sure you marry a man with money."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"The world is full of contradictions––my mother is no exception. Whether good or bad, that moment has stuck with me because I could tell that it was important to her that I really hear and absorb what she was saying. What I actually internalized was that I should never depend on a man for financial security. To this day, I still struggle to depend on others. What it took to survive in my mother's generation is different than what it has taken to survive in my own. I cringe at the survival tactics I've had to pass on to my own daughter and I look forward to the day that she can put them down. I dream of the day that Black women get to get on with living––instead of just surviving." - Maryam Pugh,Entrepreneur & Owner of Philadelphia Printworks
"What it took to survive in my mother's generation is different then what it has taken to survive in my own. I cringe at the survival tactics I've had to pass on to my own daughter and I look forward to the day that she can put them down. I dream of the day that Black women get to get on with living––instead of just surviving."
"My mother taught me the power in loving abundantly and giving without expecting anything in return."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"My mother has always been my living example. I was taught the power of radical love from my mother. My mom never sat me down and said this is what you need to do, but I watched and learned from her actions. This is how I live my life––understanding that expelling love in various non-transactional ways aligns my spirit with the universe. The reward is the serendipitous nature of my life. Sometimes, I just think about what I want or need and in some miraculous way there it is." - Adama Delphine Fawundu, Visual Artist
"Honey, just keep on living."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"Every time I've expressed shock or disappointment about something, I can hear my mother saying, 'Honey, just keep on living.' I think what she means by that is, none of what I'm going through is new. She has been here longer and seen more and is still surviving, so all I need to do is just live through it like she did instead of being shook or stuck by whatever it is. It can come off as dismissive, but it's helped me remain calm and brave, and rooted in the fact that my ancestors have overcome much more." - Erica Sewell, Creative Talent Leader
"Goals are accomplished in the sowing, not the reaping. What, where, and how you plant will dictate what your harvest yields, so lovingly deposit daily."
Rog Walker
Wise words from: Mom
How has this advice impacted the way you move through the world?
"This advice has shaped the way I show up in this world. It's what I use to align my purpose with my actions. It's the reason why I've chosen to live a life in service to others. It's helped me to help millions of women live richer lives. This advice showed me that I could do good work, help good people, and still make good money––that these three are not competing theories but can complement each other to maximize my reach and expand my service." - Tiffany Aliche, Founder, The Budgetnista
Check out the full trailer for GirlTrek's Daughters Of below, or click here.
Featured image by Rog Walker.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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