Being the quotes gal that I am, when it comes to some of my favorite quote authors, the famed poet Rumi would definitely be on my top five list. People who can relate to where I am coming from would probably say that one of his most popular sayings is, “Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.” (Dig that.)
As someone who got my start as a published writer by being a house poet, if there were a daily saying that I would put out into the world, it would probably be, “Be intentional about being at least one person’s teacher and one person’s student before the sun sets.” Not only will it keep you sharp, it will also keep you humble…and in this life, you need both. Tremendously and incessantly so.
On the student tip, something that my mother’s husband taught me many years ago actually took me a while to personally apply to my life. Oh, but once I did, I found it to be a real gem: “Shellie, have two confidants in your life. They shouldn’t be your friends, and once you lose them, don’t replace them.”
While this pearl of wisdom might sound quite odd on the surface, I’m thinking that by the time you read all of this, you’ll be able to see just how much of a winning life hack it can actually be.
What Is a Confidant (and Why Aren’t They Always Friends)?
What Is a Confidant?
GiphyTell me something — do you have a confidant? I mean, someone who is strictly that and nothing else. Just so you are crystal clear about where I am coming from, a confidant is someone who you share secrets and private matters with. And although synonyms for the word include ones like acquaintance (acquaintance?!), companion and pal, there is really only one (other) synonym that I will cosign on when it comes to a role that is as significantly essential as a confidant: intimate.
And although intimate does mean things like “characterized by or involving warm friendship or a personally close or familiar association or feeling,” today we’re going to focus on this definition: “very private; closely personal.”
Something that is private is personal — oftentimes deeply personal at that. It’s the kind of information that, in the wrong hands, could hurt or harm you. And that’s why you have to be extremely careful about who you share private matters with.
And although you might think that it’s natural to assume that if someone is your friend — hell, sometimes even a good friend — they should automatically be where your secrets and private matter.
5 Reasons a Confidant-Only Dynamic Works So Well
The Benefits of Having a Confidant Who Isn’t Your “Friend”
GiphyTrust me, I will be the first person to say that friendships aren’t created equal and some are much closer than others (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them,” “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?”). Because of that, of course, there are some people who know more about you than others do. Shoot, a couple of my friends and I are tight as all get out and still there are things that they tell their therapist that they don’t tell me — whether it’s right away or period.
Why? Because sometimes you need to be able to say something and not only know, without a doubt, that it will stay right where you left it but you won’t hurt someone’s feelings, be inundated with unsolicited advice or opinions and/or that it will be “held against you” later on. And that’s what makes a confidant-only individual so awesome — they can provide all of these things for you, free of charge. I’ll expound further.
1. Confidants provide an unconditional safe space.
I have a confidant. We’ve known each other for almost three decades at this point and we do care about each other deeply. However, about 12 years ago, after I shared what my mother’s husband said to me with her, we made the decision to shift into the role of being mutual confidants. It’s been awesome because we can say the deepest, ugliest, most shocking (and sometimes just pettiest) stuff to each other about…whatever, without judgment, fear or any level of uncomfortableness — and boy, that is more wonderful than you might realize. Y’all, just knowing that there is someone around and available who you can go to about any and everything and it will remain in the vault…forever? Unconditionally and no matter what? Priceless.
2. Confidants don’t require multitasking.
One of my favorite people in the world, we are extremely close and we both know a ton about each other. Still, because we are friends, there are times when we have hurt each other’s feelings or even been low-key offended and it’s because friendships have (and should) have a set of expectations that can cause hearing certain things to be difficult. With a confidant, though, because they signed up to hear whatever, you don’t find yourself having to “edit” or tiptoe around something. If you need to say it…SAY IT.
They get that their position is to be a sounding board and so, while you should be grateful for the relationship and treat them like you are, they don’t tend to need kid gloves; they don’t take things personally because they know that it’s not about them…AT ALL. It’s about you needing to share something or get a release. No more. No less.
3. The boundaries are clear — and firm.
Sometimes, with friendships/relationships, things can get complicated because folks feel like they have a right to say or do certain things based on the longevity of the dynamic or how emotionally invested they are — and boy, when boundaries get crossed, that can cause all types of issues. With a confidant, for the most part, things are crystal clear. For instance, when my confidant and I decided that we were going to serve that role for each other, we agreed that it could be any time of the day, that we would ask each other if we wanted advice/information/insight or not (more on that in a sec) and even if we stopped being confidants, whatever was discussed would never go past each other.
Hmph. Even if you have to go back to your high school days, I’m willing to bet that there is a former friend who didn’t have this kind of integrity when it came to some of what they knew about you when you were still cool with them. You see, true confidants aren’t interested in getting their “lick backs.” Their investment isn’t so complex that they emotionally even want to. In fact, I’m not sure if there is any dynamic that I have that is more clear about its purpose than the one that I have with my confidant. The limits are uncomplicated and respected. Period.
4. They are awesome stress reducers.
I don’t do social media and my life is quite peaceful because of it. However, there are studies which state that people (especially women) find that sharing intel on social media platforms helps to reduce their stress levels. That said, I’m also sure it’s not a surprise that research also says that having a reliable support system can decrease stress levels as well. However, what you may not know is there is also data which says that if you suppress your secrets, it can ultimately cause you to feel disingenuous and isolated. Not only that but secret-keeping can also increase your tension levels, invoke feelings of shame (depending on what the secret is) and heighten levels of anxiety and depression.
I’d venture to say that a big part of this is because we are relational beings and when we keep things to ourselves, it can cause us to overthink and/or beat ourselves up. Meanwhile, getting things out can make us feel seen and accepted. A confidant can make this happen. In fact, other studies reveal that having a confidant can make you better at resolving conflicts, exerting emotional control, coping with challenges, being more mentally resilient and being more positive and content overall.
5. You can get advice — or not.
Last one. Something that I’ve gotten into the habit of doing when it comes to the person who I am an (officiant) confidant to is asking, before they even say anything, “Do you want me to listen or do you want me to say something about ‘it’?” Listen, I know me and I’ve also heard A LOT of off-the-wall stuff from this individual over the years; therefore, I need to brace for if they just need a sounding board or someone to help them “solve” a/the matter.
With friends and other loved ones, sometimes they don’t have the self-control to be quiet — not just in the moment but period. Confidants agree to say nothing, perhaps forever, on a matter…if that is what “their” person so desires. I’m telling you a confidant who is just that? They are literal godsends.
Do Confidant Relationships Have an Expiration Date?
Do Confidant Relationships Ever “Expire”?
Andre 3000 GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you were paying close attention to what my mother’s husband said, he not only advised having a low number of confidants but not replacing them once you lose them as well. I remember when one of his died; he was absolutely heartbroken. And yet, I get what he meant: his secrets went to eternal rest right along with this confidant which gave him a lot of peace.
And that’s why I think that it you should do some real pondering, praying and even vetting to a certain extent before selecting an official confidant because it needs to be someone who is committed for the long haul to be your ear…because this level of involvement — being willing to hold such sacred information close? You can’t be fickle with that type of dynamic. You pretty much need to take on the stance of “once a confidant, always a confidant.” My confidant and I are just that. No matter what, a human vault for one another, we shall remain.
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You know, an author by the name of Michael Bassey Johnson once said something that is semi-terrifying and yet another great reason to have a confidant in your life: “Sometimes your dearest friend whom you reveal most of your secrets to becomes so deadly and unfriendly without knowing that they were not really your friend.” Goodness.
The very private side of you, science says that you need someone to share it with.
So, treat yourself to a confidant. A safe place to be totally yourself without expectation.
How dope is that?
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
Back to Swayvo Twain, though. After I saw numerous posts about the fact that D’Angelo’s song “Send It On” was a creative collaboration that his parents made in his honor after he was born — I found myself wondering just how many times he’s listened to it this year and especially over the past several weeks. And then, I was like, “Lawd. What is this man’s holiday season going to be like?” I can only imagine.
Holiday seasons mean different things to different people. Yet if you’re someone who has lost a dear loved one (familial or not) this past year and a part of you is absolutely not looking forward to the holiday season because of it — I just want you to know that I see you and I want to provide a few thoughts, just so you don’t have to overthink or unnecessarily pressure yourself or feel like you’ve got to “put on” anything during this time. You absolutely don’t.
And here, in more detail, is exactly what I mean by that.
Expect to Go Through the Five Stages of Grief. Repeatedly.
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Grief is layered and sometimes really complicated. Partly because, well, you’ve heard of the five stages of grief, right — denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance? Well, the thing is, sometimes you can find yourself going through some of those stages simultaneously. Like you might be in denial and angry. Or you might be depressed while accepting the reality that someone who you really cared about is gone. And what’s really wild is sometimes the oddest things can put you in those emotional spaces.
Take my godchildren’s mom, for example. There is a movie called Lucky 7 (Kelly Williams-Paisley, Patrick Dempsey) that makes me think about her. That’s because a part of her story is that she and the lead character in the film both lost their mother to cancer when they were seven. Anyway, Rissi (that’s her name although everyone knows that I typically just refer to her as “my godchildren’s mom” — LOL) said that a couple of weeks ago, she woke herself up sobbing and missing her mom, even though she’s been gone for 37 years now.
When she said that she didn’t know where the wave of grief came from, I reminded her about her single “Old Black Southern Woman” (which premiered November 7 and I've included under this point, so that I can show my babies off) and since the song is in tribute to her mother, that’s probably the origin story of it all.
Honestly, though, when you lose someone dear, you don’t really need a reason. I mean, think about it — none of us “love with an expiration date” and so trying to figure out what to do with the emotions, the commitment, the relationship now that everything about it has permanently shifted? Yeah, it can take you on quite the emotional roller coaster ride. Repeatedly. Without real cause or reason.
And you know what? That is okay.
Grieve how you need to…as it comes.
Surround Yourself with People Who Will Let You…BE
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One thing about losing a parent or a spouse or (whew) a child is, once it happens to you and then you hear about it happening to someone else, you are able to empathize on a whole ‘nother level compared to those who have yet to experience that depth of loss. As a direct result, you get that sometimes they will be in a good mood and then sometimes, without warning, they will isolate. You get that sometimes they will take you up on your offer to hang out and then sometimes you may not hear from them for weeks on end. You even get that sometimes, their energy will switch up on you in mid-conversation and that you can’t personalize it. They are in “grief aftershock” and sometimes, it catches them totally off guard.
And that’s why it’s so important — crucial even — that you are intentional, especially this year, to surround yourself with people who will give you the space and grace to grieve however you need to. Because while you shouldn’t be out here just being mean and rude, if you’re not your best self, folks who are really in tuned to the magnitude of your loss will get that — even to the point of not stressing you out or guilt tripping you if you’d prefer to sit this holiday season (or portions of it) out.
Yeah, the great grief support people? They will be interested in you doing what is best for you — not in you doing what they think is best for you. BIG DIFFERENCE THERE, CHILE.
Try Not to Emotionally Trigger Yourself
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This is a tricky one because, since it is your first holiday season without your loved one, probably all kinds of stuff will get to you. All I’m saying is that you should let memories happen naturally instead of looking for things that will make you feel bad or low.
For instance, if going through every photo of them that you have in your possession will bring you comfort, by all means, pull them all out. However, if doing that is going to make you feel really sad and put you in a state of restlessness and irritation — why punish yourself in that way? Or if there is a holiday movie that the two of you enjoyed together and watching it will somehow make you feel close to them, enjoy. On the other hand, if it’s going to have you an emotional wreck to where you can barely sleep or get out of bed — why do that to yourself?
One way that AI defines an emotional trigger is this: “An emotional trigger is a stimulus that causes a strong, often overwhelming emotional or psychological reaction that feels disproportionate to the current situation”. Did you catch all of that? Triggers are something that overwhelms you in spite of what your current situation may actually be.
Listen, grief is overwhelming enough. Try to be really kind and discerning by not going out of your way to emotionally trigger yourself in the process of handling all that is already on your mind, heart and spirit’s plate.
Prioritize Self-Care
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Years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “The Self-Care Checklist Every Woman Needs.” When you get a chance, please check it out because it covers things like forgiving yourself and taking personal days — both of which are relevant to this piece.
Another reason why losing a loved one can be devastating for some of us is because it can bring forth feelings of regret. Maybe you didn’t have a specific conversation with them that you should’ve. Perhaps you wish that you had taken better advantage of the time that you had with them while they were alive. It could be that you regret not being more of what they needed. Whatever the case may be, their purpose is complete on this planet.
You know whose isn’t? LOOK IN THE MIRROR. You’ve got to forgive yourself and — as I’ve said many times before, one of my favorite definitions of forgiveness is by author Gary Zukav: “Accepting that the past can’t change,” which, interestingly enough, could play a role in the final stage of grief which is acceptance.
And the personal days part? I mean, it is the holiday season, right? If you’ve got personal or vacation days, TAKE THEM. Just as much as work can get your mind off of things, it can also wear you down too, if you’re not careful. Spending some days doing nothing but sleeping, reading or watching movies could be just what you need right now. Because when you’re healing from the loss of the loved one, self-care isn’t a luxury — it is absolutely paramount.
Be Okay with Not Knowing
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“Know” is an interesting word. One of its definitions is “to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty.” That said, a few weeks ago, my mother’s husband sent me a grief quote. Although it wasn’t something that I personally resonated with (for many reasons that we don’t have time to get into today), I do believe that many things happen for more than a reason; they have a purpose — and perhaps the quote was for this article:
"When you lose someone, it feels like the entire map of your life has been erased. You still hold the paper in your hands, but the destination seems to be gone. And that’s just one part of grief. People don’t really talk about…Not just the missing person, but the missing sense of direction. The hardest truth is that no one can hand you a new map to your life. It’s up to you to build a compass on your own, one day and one moment at a time. That compass won’t appear overnight, but every choice you survive becomes part of it." (Brendan Shaw)
One thing that is so…let’s go with the word “rough” about death is that it comes in and alters the plans that you had for your life when it comes to the person you lost — and that can have you out here on some “So, what now?”…without having a single clue. Because you’re trying to wrap your mind around what happened and how you are supposed to adjust to it, it can feel like you don’t really have the words, let alone any ideas, about how to move forward. And that is something that you need to make peace with — the not knowing, I mean.
Yeah, that reminds me. There is a project that my mother co-executive produced many years ago. On it, there is a song entitled, “You Don’t Have to Know Why” (Tata Vega/Maia Amada). The chorus goes as follows:
You don’t have to know why
‘Cause the why is unimportant
You don’t have to know when
‘Cause time is not a factor
You don’t have to know what
You don’t have to know how
‘Cause his love for you is all you need to know
Geeze. You see how many times “know” pops up? When you lose someone and your life feels like it has totally turned upside down because of it — be patient with yourself; you don’t have to perceive or understand what’s next. Not right now. Sometimes just getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of another towards your shower and actually getting into is more than enough.
Oh, and did you peep how the last line of the chorus says that “his love” is all that you need to know? They are talking about God — and that brings me to my next point/tip.
KNOW That God Can Handle Every Single Emotion
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Someone in my world is really angry with God right now about a loss that they currently experienced. It’s not the death of a person; it’s the end of a marriage (which is a death in its own kind of way). They are angry with God because they feel like he doesn’t care that they gave their all and their spouse left anyway.
Another topic for another time is that we can’t be thankful that God gave us the power of choice/free will and then turn around and want him to rescind that offer to others. For now I’ll just say what I said to them: “Girl, do you know how many times I’ve been mad at God? And do you know that God doesn’t stop being God just because I’m angry. He can handle your emotions. Trust me.”
And P.S.: God isn’t mad that you’re mad. That’s why I’m so fond of the Scripture, “Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Selah.” (Psalm 4:4 — NKJV) Hmph. When I look at that word “meditate”, that makes me think of another verse: “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” (Psalm 46:10 — NKJV)
One definition of anger is “a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong” — and why would you think that God wouldn’t understand that you aren’t pleased or that you feel wronged by losing someone? Of course, he does. And yet, peep the wisdom of King David. He said that when you feel that way, don’t do something reckless or even unwise. Instead, MEDITATE. Get still enough to remember that God is involved, even in your pain, confusion and emotional exhaustion. Because he is.
Exercise Self-Compassion with Every Moment…As It Comes
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And finally, I am big on the importance of practicing self-compassion; so much to the point where I penned the article, “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day” a few years back. Compassion means “a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering” and suffering means “to undergo or feel pain or distress,” “to sustain injury, disadvantage, or loss” and “to endure pain, disability, death, etc., patiently or willingly.”
Self-compassion, in part, is about recognizing that you are suffering and then being intentional about doing what you can to reduce the pain that you are experiencing. Journal it out. Talk to a friend. Go for a long walk. Get a mani/pedi or massage. Take a nap. Indulge in some comfort food. See a grief therapist — love on yourself enough by giving your grief a platform to express itself and then find an outlet for the energy to manifest into something that will make you feel…encouraged.
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My first major death blow happened when I was 21. I lost my fiancé on November 3, 1995 and then my closest great-grandparent the following day. Listen here, that first loss? It feels like you can’t breathe for days at a time — and that first holiday season? It’s pretty much a blur with many moments of heartache in them. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that you will get through it. Like a woman once said on a favorite sitcom of mine once upon a time, “Even despair will eventually exhaust itself” — and while it might not feel that way right now, that is 1000 percent the truth.
I won’t lie to you — probably not by Thanksgiving. Christmas and New Year’s either. Yet if you take my lived-out tips to heart, I believe that they can help make this first year without your loved one more bearable.
You might even smile and laugh a little bit. Yet if you don’t…again, give yourself some grace.
Yeah, feel what you feel…until you don’t.
At the end of the day, sis, that is just what self-love and validation during loss is all about.
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