I’m gonna tell you what. This time last year, while everyone was out here talking about how much the new year was going to be the better, I was like, “I think it’s gonna be more like 2.0." Why did I feel that way? Because I wholeheartedly believe in the sowing and reaping process in all things and the seeds of 2020 had to “sprout up” somewhere. That’s why, with all that has been a trip about this year, on pretty much every level that there is, very rarely have I been surprised, let alone shocked. Disappointed (especially in how dysfunctional and cyclic this country has the tendency to be)? Sure. Shocked? Nah.
I’m thankful too because when you learn — and I mean, really learn — that the only person you can (and should) fully control is yourself, it prevents you from letting humans shake you too much. This includes your relationships which includes your friendships. Besides, it’s usually in times of great testing that the cream really does rise to the top — that we really do get to see who in our life is genuine and who, well, has other plans in mind.
So, as we’re in the last month of the calendar year (which is when a lot of us tend to do a significant amount of reflecting), when it comes to your own friendships, what have you learned? What (or who) will you leave behind and what (or who) will enter into this new season of another year with you — and why? From what I’ve personally experienced and also observed, here are the five greatest friendship-related takeaways that I’ve gathered that came from a year like this one.
2021 Probably Taught You: Who Your True Friends Are
You know what? It’s easy to have a ton of friends when you don’t need anything or, more importantly, when you are the main one who’s doing most of the giving. Oh, but let you be going through some ish and that’s when you really get to see what’s going on. If this year caused you to lose a job, go through some real financial strain, experience a heart-wrenching break-up, experience a health issue or scare, have some mental health issues or anything else that really challenged you, who were the people who really had your back?
It's “funny” because I have one friend, in particular, who I was catching up with not too long ago who said to me, “I used to think you were ridiculous for being like ‘I don’t call a lot of people my friend; that word is serious to me’ until I went through some stuff this year and I saw who was suddenly unavailable or who didn’t even really hear me out. Sometimes, you need tough times for folks to reveal themselves.”
Truer words have never been spoken, y’all. A true friend is going to be loyal. A true friend is going to be giving. A true friend is going to be committed. A true friend believes in reciprocity. A true friend is a safe space.
The folks who have proven to be a good friend, be a good friend back (check out “5 Things You Can Do Today To Be A Better Friend”) and let them know that they are appreciated. The ones who haven’t? Well, before deciding what to do with those jokers — I mean, people — check out my next point first.
2021 Probably Taught You: Friendships Have Levels
The older I get, the more I’m resigned to the fact that there is a lot of space in between certain things. What I mean by that, in the context of this article is, just because someone isn’t a friend, that doesn’t always or automatically make them an enemy. Or just because you don’t love someone, that doesn’t always or automatically mean you should hate them. That’s a part of the reason why I wrote the article, “Always Remember That Friendships Have ‘Levels’ To Them” for the site last year and “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends” the year before that.
This year, something that I intentionally did was get quiet around some of the people who, while they are cool ‘n all, I know that we pretty much only interact when I put in the effort. Some of them stepped up and started initiating communication more. Others, I haven’t spoken to, literally, all year long.
One of the people behind Door #2, I ran into, not too long ago. Back in the day, I would’ve dished out an attitude or mini-sermon about their communication patterns (or lack thereof). This round, I greeted them, we caught up and I kept it moving. Oh, and when they said, “I’ll call you,” I simply say, “OK” because I don’t hold them in the same space as some of the other people in my life. They’re fun. They’re funny. And I’m sure (if we can ever get COVID under control) that we’ve got a couple of more lunches in our future. But are they my inner circle tribe? Heck no. Do I dislike them because they aren’t? That’s not accurate either. They are in the in-between space.
I’m willing to bet you’ve got some folks who have revealed themselves to be this way too. Y’all aren’t in a bad place it’s just…they aren’t really who you rely on or who you will allow to rely on you. And you know what? That’s OK. Some people should just be someone you can have lunch with at work or someone you can catch a movie with on the weekends from time to time. Like an onion, the word “friend” sometimes has layers and levels. Making peace with that can only benefit you in the long run.
2021 Probably Taught You: A Lot of People Don’t Want to Be “Inconvenienced”
Back in my 20s, financially, I was all over the place. Because I wasn’t really taught any type of financial savviness (at school, at home or at church), I had to learn the really (REALLY) hard way. During that pretty tumultuous time, I had a girlfriend who used to just randomly send me checks from time to time. No special occasion or reason. Just because. And I never forgot it. Fast forward to our 40s and she’s been going through some challenges (singles, PLEASE go through thorough premarital counseling before jumping the broom; it’s nevera waste of time). When she shared with me some of what was going on, I set aside a few hundred bucks, just in case she needed it. It’s not because I’ve “got it like that”; it’s because she’s my friend, she has proven to consistently be that way and when you’ve got those kinds of people in your life, you’ve got to be open to being inconvenienced sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are ‘Inconvenient’”).
Boy oh boy. In the context of relationships, to be inconvenienced is to be contacted or needed at an inopportune time or when it doesn’t really benefit you one bit. Sadly, a lot of folks are so self-consumed that they think relationships should never inconvenience them. Those of us with emotional intelligence and maturity know that this couldn’t be further from the truth. My tribe knows they can call me whenever; that if they are in distress, I’m gonna try and help them find a solution. And if they have a need, I am going to be open to being inconvenienced at times to meet it…because they have done all of these things for me.
If something that you learned this year is a lot of people who you call “friend” only wanted to hold you down when it was convenient for them, please rethink the place that they hold in your world. Life is too…shoot, much right through here for you to think that you’ve got people in your corner who are only willing to be there when it suits them. Straight up.
2021 Probably Taught You: There Is a Huge Difference Between Fun, a Distraction and Being Dependable
The flip side to the friend I just mentioned is a guy I know. Our journey is a long and semi-complex one. Yet all these years later, what I do know is he’s not my “inner circle”; he doesn’t deserve to be. Still, we do have a lot in common and when we hang out, it’s usually a good time. He’s just not really all that dependable and so, I’ve stopped expecting him to be.
Y’all, there are some people who are pure fun. There are some people who we like having in our life because they are welcome distractions (like, you might be really stressed from work and talking to them on the phone about absolutely nothing for an hour once you get home is something that you look forward to). Then there are those who, you know that you know that if you called them at 2 a.m., for whatever the reason, they would be there. If there is one thing that I hope 2021 taught — or confirmed for — you it’s that you shouldn’t automatically merge all three of these things together.
The guy who I just mentioned? The last time we met up for lunch, we talked for a good three hours. However, something recently happened in my world where I needed some assistance and when I tell you that he didn’t even cross my mind? Again, he’s not dependable like that. That doesn’t make him a bad person; that just means he’s not who I rely on. That also doesn’t mean he should be punished for that. I just simply know his place in my life — and I keep him there.
Sometimes, we fall out with folks, unnecessarily so, because we try and make them be either what they don’t want to be or are incapable of being to us. When that is the case, it’s important to step back and assess if they do indeed hold some value and, if so, how? When you know where someone stands, it’s easier to know where to lean. Know what I’m sayin’? I’m sure that you do.
2021 Probably Taught You: You Deserve the Kind of Friendships That You Need — and Your Needs May Have Changed
This. One. Right. Here. Sooner than later, I’ll touch on how, I think, we all should approach outgrowing someone. For now, what I will say is — trying times not only test us, they oftentimes change us too. And when we shift on some level, sometimes the needs that we have become different. Through open and honest communication, some friendships are able to swiftly adjust and still move forward. Then there are those where either one or both people have no interest in making necessary transitions which ultimately results in them growing apart.
If your needs have changed, don’t feel bad about that. At the same time, if some of your friends have different needs now, they shouldn’t be blamed either. It happens and it really can’t be said enough that the root word for relationship is “relate” which means (among other things) “to establish a connection.” A connection is a bond and a bond is something that holds two things — or in this case, two people — together. If nothing is holding you with someone else but time and memories at this point, it really is OK to “loosen the reins” or even release one another (check out “Why I Don't "Cut People Off" Anymore, I Release Them Instead”) — not because you’re now enemies but so you won’t become that as you both keep trying to give each other what neither of you are succeeding at doing.
Besides, giving your heart room to receive what you need at this time in your life while doing the same for a friend is one of the “friendliest” things you can do. It’s selfless. It’s loving. And it’s how we avoid letting resentment and bitterness set in.
2021 was a doozy. There is no way around that fact. Here’s to learning the relational lessons that you needed to, so that you can step into next year knowing who belongs where in your life — and why. Feel me? Sis, I know that you do.
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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