
What This Year Has (Probably) Taught You About Friendships

I’m gonna tell you what. This time last year, while everyone was out here talking about how much the new year was going to be the better, I was like, “I think it’s gonna be more like 2.0." Why did I feel that way? Because I wholeheartedly believe in the sowing and reaping process in all things and the seeds of 2020 had to “sprout up” somewhere. That’s why, with all that has been a trip about this year, on pretty much every level that there is, very rarely have I been surprised, let alone shocked. Disappointed (especially in how dysfunctional and cyclic this country has the tendency to be)? Sure. Shocked? Nah.
I’m thankful too because when you learn — and I mean, really learn — that the only person you can (and should) fully control is yourself, it prevents you from letting humans shake you too much. This includes your relationships which includes your friendships. Besides, it’s usually in times of great testing that the cream really does rise to the top — that we really do get to see who in our life is genuine and who, well, has other plans in mind.
So, as we’re in the last month of the calendar year (which is when a lot of us tend to do a significant amount of reflecting), when it comes to your own friendships, what have you learned? What (or who) will you leave behind and what (or who) will enter into this new season of another year with you — and why? From what I’ve personally experienced and also observed, here are the five greatest friendship-related takeaways that I’ve gathered that came from a year like this one.
2021 Probably Taught You: Who Your True Friends Are
You know what? It’s easy to have a ton of friends when you don’t need anything or, more importantly, when you are the main one who’s doing most of the giving. Oh, but let you be going through some ish and that’s when you really get to see what’s going on. If this year caused you to lose a job, go through some real financial strain, experience a heart-wrenching break-up, experience a health issue or scare, have some mental health issues or anything else that really challenged you, who were the people who really had your back?
It's “funny” because I have one friend, in particular, who I was catching up with not too long ago who said to me, “I used to think you were ridiculous for being like ‘I don’t call a lot of people my friend; that word is serious to me’ until I went through some stuff this year and I saw who was suddenly unavailable or who didn’t even really hear me out. Sometimes, you need tough times for folks to reveal themselves.”
Truer words have never been spoken, y’all. A true friend is going to be loyal. A true friend is going to be giving. A true friend is going to be committed. A true friend believes in reciprocity. A true friend is a safe space.
The folks who have proven to be a good friend, be a good friend back (check out “5 Things You Can Do Today To Be A Better Friend”) and let them know that they are appreciated. The ones who haven’t? Well, before deciding what to do with those jokers — I mean, people — check out my next point first.
2021 Probably Taught You: Friendships Have Levels
The older I get, the more I’m resigned to the fact that there is a lot of space in between certain things. What I mean by that, in the context of this article is, just because someone isn’t a friend, that doesn’t always or automatically make them an enemy. Or just because you don’t love someone, that doesn’t always or automatically mean you should hate them. That’s a part of the reason why I wrote the article, “Always Remember That Friendships Have ‘Levels’ To Them” for the site last year and “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends” the year before that.
This year, something that I intentionally did was get quiet around some of the people who, while they are cool ‘n all, I know that we pretty much only interact when I put in the effort. Some of them stepped up and started initiating communication more. Others, I haven’t spoken to, literally, all year long.
One of the people behind Door #2, I ran into, not too long ago. Back in the day, I would’ve dished out an attitude or mini-sermon about their communication patterns (or lack thereof). This round, I greeted them, we caught up and I kept it moving. Oh, and when they said, “I’ll call you,” I simply say, “OK” because I don’t hold them in the same space as some of the other people in my life. They’re fun. They’re funny. And I’m sure (if we can ever get COVID under control) that we’ve got a couple of more lunches in our future. But are they my inner circle tribe? Heck no. Do I dislike them because they aren’t? That’s not accurate either. They are in the in-between space.
I’m willing to bet you’ve got some folks who have revealed themselves to be this way too. Y’all aren’t in a bad place it’s just…they aren’t really who you rely on or who you will allow to rely on you. And you know what? That’s OK. Some people should just be someone you can have lunch with at work or someone you can catch a movie with on the weekends from time to time. Like an onion, the word “friend” sometimes has layers and levels. Making peace with that can only benefit you in the long run.
2021 Probably Taught You: A Lot of People Don’t Want to Be “Inconvenienced”
Back in my 20s, financially, I was all over the place. Because I wasn’t really taught any type of financial savviness (at school, at home or at church), I had to learn the really (REALLY) hard way. During that pretty tumultuous time, I had a girlfriend who used to just randomly send me checks from time to time. No special occasion or reason. Just because. And I never forgot it. Fast forward to our 40s and she’s been going through some challenges (singles, PLEASE go through thorough premarital counseling before jumping the broom; it’s nevera waste of time). When she shared with me some of what was going on, I set aside a few hundred bucks, just in case she needed it. It’s not because I’ve “got it like that”; it’s because she’s my friend, she has proven to consistently be that way and when you’ve got those kinds of people in your life, you’ve got to be open to being inconvenienced sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are ‘Inconvenient’”).
Boy oh boy. In the context of relationships, to be inconvenienced is to be contacted or needed at an inopportune time or when it doesn’t really benefit you one bit. Sadly, a lot of folks are so self-consumed that they think relationships should never inconvenience them. Those of us with emotional intelligence and maturity know that this couldn’t be further from the truth. My tribe knows they can call me whenever; that if they are in distress, I’m gonna try and help them find a solution. And if they have a need, I am going to be open to being inconvenienced at times to meet it…because they have done all of these things for me.
If something that you learned this year is a lot of people who you call “friend” only wanted to hold you down when it was convenient for them, please rethink the place that they hold in your world. Life is too…shoot, much right through here for you to think that you’ve got people in your corner who are only willing to be there when it suits them. Straight up.
2021 Probably Taught You: There Is a Huge Difference Between Fun, a Distraction and Being Dependable
The flip side to the friend I just mentioned is a guy I know. Our journey is a long and semi-complex one. Yet all these years later, what I do know is he’s not my “inner circle”; he doesn’t deserve to be. Still, we do have a lot in common and when we hang out, it’s usually a good time. He’s just not really all that dependable and so, I’ve stopped expecting him to be.
Y’all, there are some people who are pure fun. There are some people who we like having in our life because they are welcome distractions (like, you might be really stressed from work and talking to them on the phone about absolutely nothing for an hour once you get home is something that you look forward to). Then there are those who, you know that you know that if you called them at 2 a.m., for whatever the reason, they would be there. If there is one thing that I hope 2021 taught — or confirmed for — you it’s that you shouldn’t automatically merge all three of these things together.
The guy who I just mentioned? The last time we met up for lunch, we talked for a good three hours. However, something recently happened in my world where I needed some assistance and when I tell you that he didn’t even cross my mind? Again, he’s not dependable like that. That doesn’t make him a bad person; that just means he’s not who I rely on. That also doesn’t mean he should be punished for that. I just simply know his place in my life — and I keep him there.
Sometimes, we fall out with folks, unnecessarily so, because we try and make them be either what they don’t want to be or are incapable of being to us. When that is the case, it’s important to step back and assess if they do indeed hold some value and, if so, how? When you know where someone stands, it’s easier to know where to lean. Know what I’m sayin’? I’m sure that you do.
2021 Probably Taught You: You Deserve the Kind of Friendships That You Need — and Your Needs May Have Changed
This. One. Right. Here. Sooner than later, I’ll touch on how, I think, we all should approach outgrowing someone. For now, what I will say is — trying times not only test us, they oftentimes change us too. And when we shift on some level, sometimes the needs that we have become different. Through open and honest communication, some friendships are able to swiftly adjust and still move forward. Then there are those where either one or both people have no interest in making necessary transitions which ultimately results in them growing apart.
If your needs have changed, don’t feel bad about that. At the same time, if some of your friends have different needs now, they shouldn’t be blamed either. It happens and it really can’t be said enough that the root word for relationship is “relate” which means (among other things) “to establish a connection.” A connection is a bond and a bond is something that holds two things — or in this case, two people — together. If nothing is holding you with someone else but time and memories at this point, it really is OK to “loosen the reins” or even release one another (check out “Why I Don't "Cut People Off" Anymore, I Release Them Instead”) — not because you’re now enemies but so you won’t become that as you both keep trying to give each other what neither of you are succeeding at doing.
Besides, giving your heart room to receive what you need at this time in your life while doing the same for a friend is one of the “friendliest” things you can do. It’s selfless. It’s loving. And it’s how we avoid letting resentment and bitterness set in.
2021 was a doozy. There is no way around that fact. Here’s to learning the relational lessons that you needed to, so that you can step into next year knowing who belongs where in your life — and why. Feel me? Sis, I know that you do.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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What Is A Mother Wound? Signs You May Have One & How To Heal
I didn’t know I had a mother wound until my therapist named it for me.
I had been describing a pattern of emotional unavailability in my choice of partners as a commonality between them. I told him how there was often a physical presence but also one paired with an emotional distance. I expressed that I felt inclined to be the "reasonable" one in my relationships. Easy to love, eager to please, emotionally contained. He gently gave me language, but some I wasn’t expecting: “It sounds like a mother wound.” That statement helped me connect so many dots, but at the same time, I asked him, "But, how?"
My mother is there for me. My mother is a home for me. My mother loves me. What I learned was that a mother wound doesn’t always have to come from abuse, neglect, or other forms of toxicity. Sometimes it comes from a very human mother who is doing her best in all of the ways you could ever ask her to and even in ways you couldn’t, but one who is also emotionally unavailable, overly critical, or dependent on you to meet her needs. (Parentification, party of one.)
My mother wound took form not because she was unloving, but because she was often emotionally unavailable. As a single mother of three and a mother to countless others working in education, she carried the weight of everything. And while I’ve always admired her strength and loved her deeply, I now understand that some of my emotional patterns were shaped by the love I craved but didn’t always feel. She is an amazing mother, and I still have a mother wound. I hold space for both truths because they both deserve space.
If you’ve ever struggled with the ability to self-soothe, people-pleasing, low self-worth, or emotional boundaries, your mother wound may still be calling the shots in your life and your adult relationships. To learn more about what the mother wound is, how it shows up, and how to start healing it, keep reading.
What Is a Mother Wound?
A mother wound refers to the behavioral patterns, emotional pain, and belief systems derived from the relationships we have with our mothers or maternal figures. It's an attachment wound that is not always caused by overt harm. Sometimes mother wounds stem from emotional absence or a lack of emotional support, criticism, passive-aggression, control, co-dependency, or a feeling that you had to earn love by being self-sacrificing or self-sufficient, "easy," or helpful.
The wound is less about pointing fingers at who to blame and more about having awareness around where your needs were left unmet, and how that impacted the way you show up in the world.
Trauma Integration Coach Ally described the impact of such a wound perfectly. In an Instagram caption, she wrote, "When there has been mother wounding, the heart defends itself and tries to close. Our whole system lives in a state of contraction and unsafety, depleted of love, nurturance, and connection."
That "state of contraction and unsafety" she refers to can look like:
- Feeling emotionally guarded, even with people you love
- Struggling to trust your needs or believe you’re allowed to take up space
- Over-functioning in relationships or assuming the role of caregiver/fixer
- Having chronically anxious or hyper-independent nervous system states (i.e., never letting yourself rest or receive)
While these patterns are often unconscious, they have the potential to quietly shape everything, from your self-worth to your romantic relationships.
The Types of Mother Wounds
5 Types of Mother Wounds You Should Know About
While everyone's experience is unique to them, some types of mother wounds show up more commonly than others. According to The Mother Wound Project, there are seven types of mother wounds, but I've also seen sources that say they are as many as 15. Because mother wounds are complex and can originate from different behaviors experienced in a mother-child relationship, it is possible to have multiple types of mother wounds depending on the parent.
To begin healing your mother wound(s), it is helpful to identify the type of mother wound you may be carrying and how it might be playing out in your life today. Check out a few of the more common ones below.
The Abandonment Wound
If your mother was physically or emotionally unavailable, or even absent from your life altogether, you might have an abandonment wound. Perhaps she worked a lot, struggled with her own mental health, or was unable to attune to your emotional needs. As a result, you might have felt unheard, unseen, or like your feelings weren't important.
How it manifests:
- Attracting unavailable or avoidant partners
- Struggling to ask for help or trust others
- Having a fear of rejection, or like you're "too much"
The Criticism Wound
If your mother had impossibly high expectations for you, was overly critical, or was a perfectionist who wanted you to follow suit, it's possible you internalized a harsh inner critic. Love might have felt conditional, like it had to be earned through success by way of accomplishments, accolades, and achievements, or through being compliant, easy, or needless.
How it manifests:
- Feeling like you're not "doing enough," not now, not ever
- Struggling with impostor syndrome or chronic self-doubt
- Fearing you might make the "wrong" choice, or that you'll fail
The Enmeshment Wound
For many with mother wounds, it’s not just about what was lacking or missing, but instead how closely they were tied to their mother’s emotional world. This is where emotional enmeshment enters the chat. This can look like little to no emotional separation between you and your mother, where boundaries between the two of you become so blurred that you don't know where her needs and feelings end and where yours begin.
If you felt responsible for your mother’s mood, well-being, comfort, or approval as a child, you might have an enmeshment wound.
How it manifests:
- Feeling guilty when setting boundaries
- People-pleasing in relationships or anxious attachment
- Difficulty when deciphering what it is you want in life (Read: "Living Your Best Life Actually Looks Like Decentering Your Mother")
The Emotional Neglect Wound
A quieter wound, but felt nonetheless. An emotional neglect wound develops when your emotional needs are constantly overlooked, minimized, or rarely fully acknowledged. Your mother might have been there physically or provided for you through material things, but she rarely asked you how you felt, let alone validated your emotions or created space for vulnerability.
How it manifests:
- Feeling like your feelings are a burden instead of a gift
- Difficulty expressing your emotions or naming them
- Feelings of emptiness or disconnection even in close relationships
The Invalidation Wound
If you grew up feeling like your experiences, perceptions, or feelings were belittled, you're not alone. You're one of many with an invalidation wound. This type of wound originates from having your reality dismissed or constantly questioned. Your feelings could have been labeled as "dramatic," your truths might have been denied or invalidated, and your experiences might have been minimized.
With time, this behavioral pattern impacts you by causing deep confusion around what you believe you are "allowed" to feel and your overall sense of self.
How it manifests:
- Struggling with conflict or trusting your voice
- Second-guessing your instincts or questioning your reality
- Feeling gaslit even in safe relationships
How to Heal Your Mother Wound
As previously mentioned, healing a mother wound is not about blaming your mother, it’s about tending to the parts of you that didn’t get what they needed way back when. It’s about creating emotional safety, clarity, and self-connection, often for the first time. And you don't need anyone's permission to do it, just the courage to start. Here’s where to begin:
1. Acknowledge what you needed but didn't get: You're allowed to name the emotional gaps that were and are still very real for you. And you're allowed to do so without guilt. Awareness is the first step in the healing and reclamation of your voice.
2. Self-parent yourself: Speak to yourself with the softness, nurturance, love, and validation you once craved. You can affirm yourself, you can meet your needs, you can reparent your inner child. You can remind yourself that you have the power and you can choose how to go about wielding it. Self-mothering is one of the ways to do this.
3. Set compassionate boundaries: You don't have to cut your mother out of your life if you don't feel called to, but it's important to remember that setting boundaries is about protecting your peace, not punishing your mother. If you need to create some space while choosing peace over performance, do that. And do so with compassion.
4. Hold your grief without shame: Even if your mother did her best, you're allowed to grieve the mother you wished you had. Honor that loss as the act of liberation it is.
5. Redefine what mothering looks like to you: Yes, you're every woman, and it's all in you, but we weren't born to do life alone, hence the need for love and connection. If your mother can't meet those needs, open yourself up to receiving love from other places and sources.
Let yourself be nurtured by friendships, chosen family, therapy, and nature. You're worth it.
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