Single on Valentine’s Day — and just for the record, in this instance, what I mean is being someone who doesn’t have any date plans for the day. Let me start off by saying that if that causes you to “feel some type of way” and the way ain’t good, Pew Research says that we’re currently living in a time where almost 60 percent of singles actually aren’t looking to date.
The layers behind that, we can get into at another time. The reason why I thought that it was valid today is because I think a lot of single people struggle with Valentine’s Day because they think they are the only one without someone when that absolutely couldn’t be further from the truth. Then there’s the approach that they take on the day — basically, they just wish that it would be the fastest day of the year so that they could get on with their lives. #lesigh
If that is you, this year, I want you to consider taking a different approach. Instead of low-key loathing the day because your romantic status isn’t what you would perhaps prefer, why not use this as a time to go “boysober.”
Never heard of that before? Let me break it down so that you can perhaps end up having one of your best Valentine’s Days to date.
First, What Does It Mean to Be Sober?
GiphyIt’s kind of sad that pretty much the only thing that (most) people think about whenever the word “sober” enters the chat, is someone who isn’t drunk off of alcohol because it definitely has a lot more meanings than that. To be sober is to be serious. To be sober is to be subdued. To be sober is to be self-controlled (that’s a really good one). To be sober is to be rational and even sane. Synonyms for sober include words like calm, restrained, steady, and — check it — abstinent (we’ll circle around to that in just a minute).
So, really, well beyond having one too many, when the phrase “sober up” comes up, as you can see, that can go so many different directions — and that is why, for the most part, I actually support the made-up word that’s currently getting its fair share of traction these days: BOYSOBER.
Next, What Does It Mean to Be “Boysober”?
GiphyI like to give credit where credit is due and, from what I’ve read and researched, a comedian in her late 20s by the name of Hope Woodard has coined the term “boysober.” To her, it means that it’s a time when women choose to go without all things romantically related to men: no (real) flirting, no dates, and certainly no sex. The purpose of this? To instead use the time to do some self-reflecting, healing, and figuring out what you really want (as opposed to the patterns you may just be used to).
Another benefit of being boysober is to put the effort and energy that typically would go into a relationship into cultivating more love for self — and that is something that I will always get behind (the love yourself part, I mean).
Now, when it comes to the no-sex part, I will say that there are some connotations there that have some layers to them. I’ll explain.
The Difference Between Celibate and Abstinent
GiphyAccording to Hope, the motivation for why she decided that not having sex applies to being boysober is based on two (main) reasons. One, she feels like the word “celibate” is a religious term which, if folks are celibate, they don’t really have much of a choice. Hmm. I guess she’s saying that the standards of religion make people feel “shamed” or “feared” into sexual purity which I don’t 100 percent agree with.
Anyway, to her, boysober sounds/feels more empowering and liberating. In fact, in an interview, she was quoted as saying:
“I hate ‘celibacy’ so much, because I don’t want to give credence to anyone saying you’re more lovable or respectable or better if you’re not having sex...Boysober is about taking time to pause, reflect, and reprioritize — not to gain male approval.”
We’ll come back to that…
Her second reason: in the same article, she said that although she consented to all of the sex that she had, she wasn’t necessarily given permission; to her, being boysober is all about her and not guys as far as her sex-related choices are concerned.
Okay, so as for the celibacy thing — although I could pen a book, for sure, about how churches, overall, could do so much better when it comes to teaching purity culture (no lie), I do find it fascinating that so much of what religion teaches, one way or another, “secular culture” seems to find its way to…or back to, one way or another. At the end of the day, being celibate does mean to abstain from sex — and yes, it’s oftentimes due to religious reasons, because some set of Scriptures (because not only Christianity practices celibacy) encourages being that way until marriage (or forever if they choose not to get married).
That said, if someone wants to do that, that is a freewill choice and they shouldn’t be “shamed” by non-religious people for choosing it. Some people believe that sex is for marriage alone; no one should be gaslit for feeling that way. Again, that is their choice. It should also go on record that celibacy is sometimes a lifetime decision (priests and nuns come to mind).
Whereas being abstinent? That is a temporary season of going without sex — and yes, it has always bothered me that folks use those two words interchangeably because while the act may ultimately be the same, the motives and timing are quite different. And actually, what it seems that Hope is referring to, is abstinence. Boysober is a season of abstinence, not celibacy.
Which brings me to her second boysober reason. I’ll just say that it’s always important to take personal accountability for the decisions that we make (you won’t really grow any other way) and one way to do that is to really understand WHY you are having sex before you have it. We live in a time when so many folks are so casual about sex that they tend to forget (if they ever really knew) what casual means and one definition is “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing” which pretty much means that something lacks any real purpose…or meaning.
Again, how wild is it that our culture likes to push sex as nothing more than a fun activity down our throats — oh, but when it’s time to do some evolving and maturing, going without sex is one of the top practices that comes up? Fascinating indeed.
All this to say, if you are thinking about chilling out on the sex tip for a while, ask yourself: 1) Is it for religious or other reasons; 2) is the plan until marriage (celibate) or just for a season (abstinent), and 3) are you going to take the time to do some inner work that goes beyond simply…leaving guys alone (sex journaling can help with this one, by the way)? Because the saying, “Everywhere you go, there you are”?
Well, in this instance, it makes no sense to not have romantic involvements if you’re not going to be self-introspective, so that once you’re done with your break, you are able to choose wiser and better — and that requires you shifting some things within yourself, not just taking some days, weeks or months to not engage with the fellas.
Why Valentine’s Day Is a Great Day to Try Being Boysober
GiphyThere’s a reason why I think that, for the most part, the concept of going boysober isn’t just an intelligent thing to do from time to time but Valentine’s Day could be an awesome moment in your life to give it a shot. It’s because, unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is considered to be one of the most stress-filled holidays of the year.
Couples are expected to go over-the-top when it comes to their expressions of love while singles oftentimes feel bad if they don’t have anyone, romantically, to celebrate the day with. I’m not exaggerating either. I actually read that the dating site Plenty of Fish once conducted a survey citing that 43 percent of singles stated that no day of the year gives them more anxiety than Valentine’s Day. A day honoring love…totally stressing you out. Goodness.
Is it crazy to see couples all over the place and wish that you were in one on February 14? No. It isn’t. Know what is…not sober (you know, sane), though? Being so caught up in not having someone that you overlook what a happily married wife over a couple of decades once said to me; something that, after 20 years of working with married folks, I absolutely agree with: “The loneliest night alone beats being in a bad marriage any day.”
Listen, self-love includes coming to the conclusion that you don’t just want SOMEONE; you desire THE RIGHT ONE…and then celebrating yourself for not just saying it but meaning it — and being boysober can play a role in that because, by choosing to exert self-control, by choosing to take your love for self over everything else (right now) serious, by choosing to remain calm while others may be freaking out on Valentine’s Day…that can transform you in a myriad of different ways. All beneficial too.
And so, while some folks are out here acting like Valentine’s Day is a cuss word (LOL), you can get and then remain excited about what it means to choose to have a sober-minded approach to men, relationships, and sex. You can be genuinely happy about the fact that, no, you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day and it’s all because you choose to focus on you — via a self-pamper day, deals on drinks at Applebee’s, a discount on an ice cream cake at Baskin Robbins or some of these other deals (that I found for this year) here. And how absolutely bomb is that?
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Actor Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." Author Katrina Mayer once said, “Loving yourself isn't vanity. It's sanity." Author Kamal Ravikant once said, “The truth is to love yourself with the same intensity you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers.” Singer Whitney Houston once sang, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.” Author Paulo Coelho once said, “When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
Going boysober is one way to amplify all of this in some truly significant ways.
Going sober certainly has its benefits. Try it.
You just might like it. No, LOVE it.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day. #wink
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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