Single on Valentine’s Day — and just for the record, in this instance, what I mean is being someone who doesn’t have any date plans for the day. Let me start off by saying that if that causes you to “feel some type of way” and the way ain’t good, Pew Research says that we’re currently living in a time where almost 60 percent of singles actually aren’t looking to date.
The layers behind that, we can get into at another time. The reason why I thought that it was valid today is because I think a lot of single people struggle with Valentine’s Day because they think they are the only one without someone when that absolutely couldn’t be further from the truth. Then there’s the approach that they take on the day — basically, they just wish that it would be the fastest day of the year so that they could get on with their lives. #lesigh
If that is you, this year, I want you to consider taking a different approach. Instead of low-key loathing the day because your romantic status isn’t what you would perhaps prefer, why not use this as a time to go “boysober.”
Never heard of that before? Let me break it down so that you can perhaps end up having one of your best Valentine’s Days to date.
First, What Does It Mean to Be Sober?
GiphyIt’s kind of sad that pretty much the only thing that (most) people think about whenever the word “sober” enters the chat, is someone who isn’t drunk off of alcohol because it definitely has a lot more meanings than that. To be sober is to be serious. To be sober is to be subdued. To be sober is to be self-controlled (that’s a really good one). To be sober is to be rational and even sane. Synonyms for sober include words like calm, restrained, steady, and — check it — abstinent (we’ll circle around to that in just a minute).
So, really, well beyond having one too many, when the phrase “sober up” comes up, as you can see, that can go so many different directions — and that is why, for the most part, I actually support the made-up word that’s currently getting its fair share of traction these days: BOYSOBER.
Next, What Does It Mean to Be “Boysober”?
GiphyI like to give credit where credit is due and, from what I’ve read and researched, a comedian in her late 20s by the name of Hope Woodard has coined the term “boysober.” To her, it means that it’s a time when women choose to go without all things romantically related to men: no (real) flirting, no dates, and certainly no sex. The purpose of this? To instead use the time to do some self-reflecting, healing, and figuring out what you really want (as opposed to the patterns you may just be used to).
Another benefit of being boysober is to put the effort and energy that typically would go into a relationship into cultivating more love for self — and that is something that I will always get behind (the love yourself part, I mean).
Now, when it comes to the no-sex part, I will say that there are some connotations there that have some layers to them. I’ll explain.
The Difference Between Celibate and Abstinent
GiphyAccording to Hope, the motivation for why she decided that not having sex applies to being boysober is based on two (main) reasons. One, she feels like the word “celibate” is a religious term which, if folks are celibate, they don’t really have much of a choice. Hmm. I guess she’s saying that the standards of religion make people feel “shamed” or “feared” into sexual purity which I don’t 100 percent agree with.
Anyway, to her, boysober sounds/feels more empowering and liberating. In fact, in an interview, she was quoted as saying:
“I hate ‘celibacy’ so much, because I don’t want to give credence to anyone saying you’re more lovable or respectable or better if you’re not having sex...Boysober is about taking time to pause, reflect, and reprioritize — not to gain male approval.”
We’ll come back to that…
Her second reason: in the same article, she said that although she consented to all of the sex that she had, she wasn’t necessarily given permission; to her, being boysober is all about her and not guys as far as her sex-related choices are concerned.
Okay, so as for the celibacy thing — although I could pen a book, for sure, about how churches, overall, could do so much better when it comes to teaching purity culture (no lie), I do find it fascinating that so much of what religion teaches, one way or another, “secular culture” seems to find its way to…or back to, one way or another. At the end of the day, being celibate does mean to abstain from sex — and yes, it’s oftentimes due to religious reasons, because some set of Scriptures (because not only Christianity practices celibacy) encourages being that way until marriage (or forever if they choose not to get married).
That said, if someone wants to do that, that is a freewill choice and they shouldn’t be “shamed” by non-religious people for choosing it. Some people believe that sex is for marriage alone; no one should be gaslit for feeling that way. Again, that is their choice. It should also go on record that celibacy is sometimes a lifetime decision (priests and nuns come to mind).
Whereas being abstinent? That is a temporary season of going without sex — and yes, it has always bothered me that folks use those two words interchangeably because while the act may ultimately be the same, the motives and timing are quite different. And actually, what it seems that Hope is referring to, is abstinence. Boysober is a season of abstinence, not celibacy.
Which brings me to her second boysober reason. I’ll just say that it’s always important to take personal accountability for the decisions that we make (you won’t really grow any other way) and one way to do that is to really understand WHY you are having sex before you have it. We live in a time when so many folks are so casual about sex that they tend to forget (if they ever really knew) what casual means and one definition is “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing” which pretty much means that something lacks any real purpose…or meaning.
Again, how wild is it that our culture likes to push sex as nothing more than a fun activity down our throats — oh, but when it’s time to do some evolving and maturing, going without sex is one of the top practices that comes up? Fascinating indeed.
All this to say, if you are thinking about chilling out on the sex tip for a while, ask yourself: 1) Is it for religious or other reasons; 2) is the plan until marriage (celibate) or just for a season (abstinent), and 3) are you going to take the time to do some inner work that goes beyond simply…leaving guys alone (sex journaling can help with this one, by the way)? Because the saying, “Everywhere you go, there you are”?
Well, in this instance, it makes no sense to not have romantic involvements if you’re not going to be self-introspective, so that once you’re done with your break, you are able to choose wiser and better — and that requires you shifting some things within yourself, not just taking some days, weeks or months to not engage with the fellas.
Why Valentine’s Day Is a Great Day to Try Being Boysober
GiphyThere’s a reason why I think that, for the most part, the concept of going boysober isn’t just an intelligent thing to do from time to time but Valentine’s Day could be an awesome moment in your life to give it a shot. It’s because, unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is considered to be one of the most stress-filled holidays of the year.
Couples are expected to go over-the-top when it comes to their expressions of love while singles oftentimes feel bad if they don’t have anyone, romantically, to celebrate the day with. I’m not exaggerating either. I actually read that the dating site Plenty of Fish once conducted a survey citing that 43 percent of singles stated that no day of the year gives them more anxiety than Valentine’s Day. A day honoring love…totally stressing you out. Goodness.
Is it crazy to see couples all over the place and wish that you were in one on February 14? No. It isn’t. Know what is…not sober (you know, sane), though? Being so caught up in not having someone that you overlook what a happily married wife over a couple of decades once said to me; something that, after 20 years of working with married folks, I absolutely agree with: “The loneliest night alone beats being in a bad marriage any day.”
Listen, self-love includes coming to the conclusion that you don’t just want SOMEONE; you desire THE RIGHT ONE…and then celebrating yourself for not just saying it but meaning it — and being boysober can play a role in that because, by choosing to exert self-control, by choosing to take your love for self over everything else (right now) serious, by choosing to remain calm while others may be freaking out on Valentine’s Day…that can transform you in a myriad of different ways. All beneficial too.
And so, while some folks are out here acting like Valentine’s Day is a cuss word (LOL), you can get and then remain excited about what it means to choose to have a sober-minded approach to men, relationships, and sex. You can be genuinely happy about the fact that, no, you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day and it’s all because you choose to focus on you — via a self-pamper day, deals on drinks at Applebee’s, a discount on an ice cream cake at Baskin Robbins or some of these other deals (that I found for this year) here. And how absolutely bomb is that?
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Actor Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." Author Katrina Mayer once said, “Loving yourself isn't vanity. It's sanity." Author Kamal Ravikant once said, “The truth is to love yourself with the same intensity you would use to pull yourself up if you were hanging off a cliff with your fingers.” Singer Whitney Houston once sang, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.” Author Paulo Coelho once said, “When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”
Going boysober is one way to amplify all of this in some truly significant ways.
Going sober certainly has its benefits. Try it.
You just might like it. No, LOVE it.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day. #wink
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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