In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, their life, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
The only Black female superheroes that I can name off of the top of my head are my mother and "Thunder" from CW's Black Lightning. If you're not familiar with Black Lightning, I don't know what you are doing with your free time because it is one of the single best shows I've started watching. Nafessa Williams, alongside Cress Williams and China Anne McClain, effortlessly portrays a 21st century Black woman as she ebbs and flows through relationships, mental health and family drama - all while being a superhuman. Adding to that, she has broken ground playing the first African-American lesbian superhero on television. But, this is just the tip of the iceberg for Nafessa.
The 30-year-old actress has starred in the recent Deon Taylor feature Black & Blue alongside Naomie Harris, Frank Grillo and Tyrese Gibson for Screen Gems, had a season-long arc on the CBS series Code Black, and recurred on the hit Showtime series Twin Peaks.
For this installment of "Finding Balance", xoNecole had the chance to discuss with actress Nafessa Williams about meditation, traveling with her friends, and exercising as part of her daily lifestyle.
At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
I remember it was right before I booked Black Lightning, I was auditioning every day, sometimes two to three times a day and I was drained mentally and physically. I was all about my work and busy trying to make it. I wasn't really enjoying life though, and I hadn't gone on a trip in about seven years, didn't have a self-care regimen, and was all work. A friend of mine advised me to press the pause button and live a little so I could give over to my craft and, more importantly, so I wouldn't drive myself crazy. So, it was at that moment I started to live more and take care of myself.
"I remember it was right before I booked Black Lightning, I was auditioning every day, sometimes two to three times a day and I was drained mentally and physically. I was all about my work and busy trying to make it. I wasn't really enjoying life though, and I hadn't gone on a trip in about seven years, didn't have a self-care regimen, and was all work. A friend of mine advised me to press the pause button and live a little so I could give over to my craft and, more importantly, so I wouldn't drive myself crazy."
Daniel Zuchnik/Getty Images
What is a typical day in your life? If no day is quite the same, give me a rundown of a typical work week and what that might consist of.
A typical day in my life consists of prayer, meditation, [and a] morning workout. If I'm filming, I head to set; if not, I'm knocking out a to-do list. My favorite things to eat for breakfast are Beyond sausage and avocado toast, oatmeal and fruit, but if I'm pressed for time I'll have a banana and a green juice. I typically meditate for about 20 minutes everyday. I love the guided meditations with Deepak Chopra and Oprah on the Chopra Center Meditation website.
How do you wind down at night?
I love to wind down at night with a shower, candles, and some relaxing music. My favorites to listen to are Lauryn Hill, Sade, Jill Scott, and H.E.R.. I lowkey go to bed watching Martin every night as if I don't already know every episode word for word.
When you have a busy week, what’s the most hectic part of it?
A busy week for me is when I'm filming every day that week. It's kinda tough being on set all day and night and needing to run errands because by the time I'm off work everything is closed; that can be hectic for me. But, I try to organize my weekend to handle the things I couldn't during the week. Oh, and trying to maintain my workouts when I'm filming can be tough when I have early call times.
Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?
Yes, mediation, workouts and therapy are a part of my self-care routine. I also treat myself to massages pretty often and quality time with myself.
"Mediation, workouts and therapy are a part of my self-care routine. I also treat myself to massages pretty often and quality time with myself."
Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images
What advice do you have for busy women who feel like they don’t have time for self-care?
I would tell women, "You are what matters the most and if you aren't balanced, happy, centered, you can't give your best self to anything or anyone else." Self-love and our happiness should be at the top of the list. Make self-care a priority!
How do you find balance with:
Friends?
I talk to my close friends just about every day. When I'm filming the show, I don't really get to kick it until the weekends though. I love to travel with my friends. I'm a true Sagittarius who loves adventure. My favorite [memory] with my friends is my 30th bday trip to the Bahamas with seven of my girlfriends. We partied, jumped off boats, swam in a cage and watched sharks being fed. Literally my most memorable trip so far.
Love/Relationships? Dating?
Work has been the priority for me over the last six years, but I am learning to find the balance when it comes to dating. I do want to have a family soon, so I'm starting to mentally prepare myself for the sacrifices that I'll need to make.
Exercise?
Exercising is a part of my lifestyle. I try to workout at least five days a week. The workout schedule varies depending on my shooting schedule. So I work out with my trainer Justin Shaw who created a dope 15-minute ab workout. It's intense as hell but knowing it's only 15 minutes is the incentive. I also switch it up and do some of my workouts on my own which typically last for about an hour. I like to do full body workouts. Legs, arms, back and abs.
"Exercising is a part of my lifestyle. I try to workout at least five days a week."
What about health? Do you cook or find yourself eating out?
I've been a pescatarian for the last eight years and it works for me. I've actually been in the kitchen lately, trying new recipes, cooking for my friends, enjoying my own food at home. Every now and then, I order out but not as much as I used to.
Do you ever detox?
I've detoxed before but it's not something that I do regularly. I've done a juice cleansing detox where I juiced for a couple of days. I loved the idea of the cleanse but I lost weight which is why I don't do it often. I love my weight and at the moment I'm just interested in toning.
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
My spirituality is very important to me. Prayer and meditation help me get through moments of uncertainty. Journaling helps as well.
"My spirituality is very important to me. Prayer and meditation help me get through moments of uncertainty."
Cindy Ord/Getty Images for Girlboss Rally NYC 2018
What do you do when you have a creative block on a project or feel like you have to clear your head before going into character?
When I feel blocked creatively or need to clear my head, I do a couple breathing exercises or go on a run. This tends to help me get centered.
Honestly, what does success and happiness mean to you?
Being aware of and walking in your purpose is what I call success. I've learned tangible things don't equate to success, the intangible is what I'm after. For me, happiness and success is being fulfilled Spiritually, Physically, Psychologically and Mentally. Everything else will fall in alignment. I'll be honest, having financial stability is nice but by no means does it mean you are successful.
For more of Nafessa, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image via Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images
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When I asked a few women I know if they ever tried that before, I was surprised to discover that not only had they, but many didn’t treat it as some random social media fad — they actually still do it to this day. Partly, because it’s fun to them and partly because their partner(s) seem to go crazy for it.
Listen, any time something sexual works like a charm, I’m going to shout it out — (late) trend or not. And so, if you’ve never heard of the whole coconut thing, you tried it and forgot all about it, or you just want to try something new/different/else tonight — here’s a reminder, in article form, that coconut-ting is still alive and well, y’all. And the men are all about it!
But First, The Grapefruit Technique
Video Credit: Myem/YouTube (Funny part starts at 2:40)
If this woman is not familiar to you on sight, you ain’t a real one. LOL. Although I know that a lot of people think that the concept of grapefruiting came from the movie Girls Trip (you can see the clip from the film here) that absolutely is not the case. Auntie Angel (whose real name is reportedly Denise Walker) is the creator of the Grapefruit Technique and although I thought that this video came out way earlier, apparently it made its way onto the YouTube streets sometime back in 2014.
If for some reason, you’re not familiar with grapefruiting on any level, I will tell you right now that I had to download this video because it is absolutely NSFW — so you should probably watch it on your lunch break (on your phone with the volume as low as possible) or at home…because chile, the sound effects? Whew, the sound effects. LOL. However, when I sat down to pen this piece, I thought it was hilarious that this video is what immediately came to mind because it seems like, when it comes to “blow his mind sex hacks,” fruit is constantly on the menu.
When it comes to oral sex, it’s grapefruit.
When it comes to ride ‘em cowgirl, it’s a coconut.
What Is the “Coconut” Sex Trend?
@windy_moraba #duet with @mysteri0us.gir1 spell coconut with your waist 😂😂😂
Okay, so what in the world does a coconut have to do with intercourse? Well, for starters, if you and your partner are looking for an all-natural lubricant, coconut oil works well. HOWEVER, do keep in mind that the disclaimer on this is you shouldn’t use it if condoms are in the mix because they can actually cause rubbers to be less effective (silicone lube is a solid bet for condoms, by the way).
There is another way that coconuts are kinda-sorta incorporated when it comes to making sex more pleasurable — and it actually became pretty popular right after COVID lockdown (2021): spelling C-O-C-O-N-U-T with your hips while you’re on top of your partner.
It’s wild how I forgot all about this until a client of mine was telling me how much her husband liked her on top while it wasn’t her favorite thing to do because it felt awkward to her. When I said, “Have you ever heard of spelling ‘coconut’ with your hips before?” — at first, she looked at me like I was crazy and then she busted out laughing: “Girl, no” was her reply.
Hmph. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it because, as wild as it might sound on the surface, the word isn’t the point so much as the movements that come with spelling it out are.
When you’re moving your pelvis around to make a “c,” “o” or U-turn, not only does it intensify the level of sensation that both you and your partner feel during intercourse, it can also increase the level of blood circulation to both of your genitalia which can make your orgasms more satisfying too.
At the end of the day, spelling “coconut” is simply reminding you that there are more options to riding than simply sitting there while your partner pumps for all he’s worth or you humping up and down like you’re on a pogo stick.
Spelling “coconut” is an easy hack to bring some variety into cowgirling. However…
Honestly, the “Fruit” Isn’t the Point. THIS IS.
GiphyFrom grapefruiting and spelling “coconut” to reading articles that I’ve penned for the platform like “How To Improve The Taste Of Sperm” — fruit and sex are always going to be a winning combination, one way or another. However, the main point of this article isn’t about making sure that you are a master speller so much as providing you with tips that will make the cowgirl position something that you are confident about and you find a ton of fulfillment in doing.
You can make both of these things happen by incorporating the following things:
Stretch beforehand. A charley horse during sex is the worst thing ever — and chile, don’t let it be right before you’re about to climax. SMDH. Yeah, if you want to feel more comfortable when you’re on top, make sure that you stretch beforehand and that you are well-hydrated. That will reduce the chances of experiencing a totally-out-of-nowhere muscle spasm — whether you decide to “spell” during sex or…not.
Bring pillows into the mix. Sometimes riding is a challenge because your partner feels farther away from your body than you would like. Putting a pillow underneath him can help to elevate his pelvis, so that you don’t feel like you’re stretching and straining. Speaking of pillows, a longer one can really come in handy because it can give your knees some additional support as well.
Also, ask him to put his knees up. Speaking of making the “grind” easier for you, ask your partner to put his knees up. That way, your back can recline on his legs as you’re moving your hips around. You’d be amazed how much this one hack can do for you. Straight up.
Add lube. When you get a chance, check out “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant” and you will automatically see why bringing lubrication into a cowgirl session is an absolute must. It reduces friction. It makes your movements glide with ease. And it’s just more fun. Promise you that.
Lean in. If your partner happens to be on the larger side of life, one way that you can control his depth is by leaning forward into him. That way, your hips can better control how much or little he is inside of you, so that you can get into a position that gives you the sensation that you are looking for.
Get him to multitask. Again, whether you are spelling “coconut” or not and whether you are riding cowgirl or reverse cowgirl — something that is awesome about being on top is it frees your partner’s hands to do, umm, other things. And since it is so much easier to have an orgasm while your clitoris is being stimulated, get your partner to put some of the lube that we discussed earlier on his fingertips, so that he can gently rub on your clitoris while you are riding him. It doesn’t get much better than that!
Don’t wanna spell? Hula Hoop then. What if you try the whole coconut thing and it’s not a favorite for you (or him)? No problem — when’s the last time that you hula hooped? Pretend that you have one of those around your hips and move around that way. I’d be shocked if you ended up feeling “meh” about that option.
5 Guys Tell Me What They Love When Their Partner Is on Top
GiphyA part of the reason why I am “team cowgirl” is because it provides a lot of benefits to the woman: she has more control, it tends to be more comfortable for her, it’s a great position for a quickie and the orgasms tend to be that much more — wonderful. However, as I was thinking about spelling coconut, in general, I couldn’t help but wonder what guys thought about it and the cowgirl position overall.
If you’re curious, here’s what five of ‘em said.
1. Braxford. Engaged. 35. “Y’all be spelling up there? Who knew? My favorite thing about when my fiancée is on top is what I think every man likes: the view. It’s a chance to see her entire body and experience it at the same time. Not even doggy style accomplishes that. Damn, where’s my lady at?”
2. Denez. Single. 42. “Do you know how many ‘spots’ you have access to when y’all are on top? Breasts are in my mouth. Hickeys are on her neck. Prop my head up on a pillow and her tummy is getting licked. When a woman is riding you, it’s sensory overload! It’s crazy how each one looks amazing in that position too.”
3. Omar. In a Serious Relationship. 29. “[He said her name yet I’m not going to share it] isn’t a very vocal lover. Her body and technique are insane, so even though I love dirty talk, I’ve learned to compromise — except when she’s on top. She’s not saying much but those moans? And yeah, we tried the coconut thing. ‘Cs’ and ‘Os,’ hell yeah. ‘Ns’ and “Ts’? Nah.”
4. Nolen. Single. 45. “45 isn’t old but it’s old enough for your back to show out on you when you least expect it. My experience has been that women don’t want a lot of thrusting when they are on top, so it’s like having some of the best sex without having to do much at all. Well, aside from trying not to bust too quickly. I take that back: riding is easy on the body; it’s work on the brain.”
5. Ivan. Married. 37. “I like the spelling sh-t because it switches things up. We make a game out of it by her picking a word and spelling out while I try and guess what it is. We also try to see how many words that we can get to before one of us cums. 12 words is pushing it unless it’s like ‘dog’ or ‘cat’ or something. I’ve guessed ‘coconut’ a few times and I get what the excitement is all about. Spelling bee sex: try it.”
Yep. I concur.
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Featured image by Giphy