It was the great Sade who once sang that it’s never as good as the first time (if ya know, ya know). And while, truly is a great notion in theory, the reality is, when it comes to having sex for the first time, sometimes we’re so anxious, so nervous, so not-sure-what-to-expect that we end up putting far too much pressure on ourselves and/or our partner and/or the experience overall that we can sabotage it — in some ways, before anything even happens.
Let’s try and prevent that from ever happening again, y’all. One way to do that is to check out 12 hacks that are centered around how to be calmer, feel sexier, and become more present during your (next) first-time copulation — so that you can look back on it with all smiles and not one regret.
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1. Put Some Essential Oil on the Bedding
Doing things, beforehand, that will create the desired mood can already help to calm your nerves; that’s because it reminds you that you are not doing something flippantly or without giving it all some real thought — that what is about to transpire is intentional because you are choosing for it to be and that can be empowering in its own way. That said, if you’ve ever wondered if aromatherapy is more of a myth than anything else, there is science to support that when you take in certain scents, the part of your brain that regulates emotion is alerted and that creates certain responses.
In this case, since you want to decrease stress, it’s a good idea to apply essential oils like lavender, rose, patchouli, jasmine, cedarwood, mandarin, or ylang-ylang to your bedding. They all have a reputation for providing a relaxing effect.
2. Light Some Scented Soy Candles
If you’re thinking, “You sure do shout-out soy candles a lot” — you would be absolutely correct. When they are scented, they smell amazing and, because they are soy, they burn cleaner and longer. Plus, candlelight is soothing and romantic. Definitely, a perfect way to cultivate ambiance is with the help of some candles. By the way, vanilla, cinnamon, sandalwood, pumpkin, and ginger-scented ones are considered to be aphrodisiac ones…and you already know what that means. #wink
3. Pour Some Pure Fruit Juice into Some Wine Glasses
If you were thinking about taking a couple of shots of Casamigos in order to take some of the “edge” off, while it might give you a temporary liquid courage fix and could temporarily increase your sex drive, quite a bit of research states that alcohol can also put you on a bit of a roller coaster ride when it comes to being able to maintain natural lubrication and even being able to orgasm. That’s why you might want to go with some fruit juice instead.
Chuckle if you want to but orange juice increases blood circulation (which can intensify your orgasms), pomegranate juice raises testosterone levels in both men and women and apple juice is a phytoestrogen drink that can help increase lubrication — and you know what they say: the wetter, the better!
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4. Try a Teaspoon of Honey (or Chocolate)
For the record, when it comes to this tip, I’m not talking about those honey packets that are all over social media (check out “Those (Sex) Honey Packets Have A Lot Of Hype. Here’s The Truth About ‘Em.”). I mean, the kind of honey that you get at the grocery store — like the one that is in teddy bear bottles by the jellies (the real ones know). And although I personally think that honey can — eh hem — make the night go better on a few different levels (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”), my recommendation for taking in a teaspoon before anything gets started has nothing to do with your libido. Well, not exactly.
You might be surprised to know that honey contains compounds that can help to calm your nervous system as it helps to reduce your anxiety levels. Come to think of it, the flavonoids in dark chocolate can have a similar effect. So, if you want a sweet way to reduce the butterflies, honey and dark chocolate are scientifically proven methods.
5. Watch a Comedy
Sex for the first time is a serious decision — yes. But does the entire evening need to be serious? Absolutely not. In fact, it might surprise you to know that laughter not only reduces anxiety levels, but research also reveals that people who are able to take a joke, can laugh at themselves and like to have fun during intimacy, they end up having far more satisfying sex lives than those who don’t.
So, if what you need is a bit of an icebreaker, watch a funny movie or television show. It can definitely help to take some of the edge off and make you both feel more comfortable with getting even more comfortable in each other’s space later on.
6. (Slow) Dance Together
Listen, any time that I can reference some '90s R&B, I’m gonna do it without any kind of hesitation or apology and, when it comes to this tip, the song that immediately came to mind was Tony! Toni! Toné!’s “Slow Wine.” Dancing close to someone who you’re attracted to while listening to songs that are your fave? That’s automatically a comforting thought (and action). And yes, there is scientific evidence to support that dancing can help to reduce stress while giving you a boost of the feel-good hormone dopamine. So…where’s your slow jam playlist?
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7. Do Some Reflexology or Give Each Other a Hand Massage
If dancing isn’t really your thing, another option is to get into some novice-level reflexology (foot therapy) or to give each other a hand massage. By touching certain parts of the feet, you can reduce anxiety and increase energy levels. One way that this works is reflexology helps to stimulate the production of endorphins so that you can feel less stressed. Same goes with hand massages.
If you’d like to give either of these a shot, warm up a mixture of the essential oil that you used for your bedding with a carrier oil (check out “So, Here Are The Carrier Oils That Will Take Your Sex Life To A Whole 'Nother Level”) and then take turns rubbing each other’s feet and/or hands. For tips on how to give a good foot massage, go here. A hand massage? Look here.
8. Implement the ‘333 Rule’…with a Twist
If your mind only seems to race, no matter what you do, you can always try what is known as the “333 Rule.” All you need to do is look around and identify three objects, then three sounds, and then move three body parts. Although the method to the madness is still being figured out, it is believed that by taking the focus off of your feelings and briefly placing them onto other things, that can help you to feel less anxious. Hey…you never know until/unless you try. Right?
9. Talk It Out
I’m gonna be really real with you: if you’re too uncomfortable to tell your partner that you’re nervous about having sex with them — why are you planning to have sex with them in the first place? After all, no matter how vulnerable you may feel, nothing tops getting naked with someone and allowing them to enter into your body (just sayin’). That’s why, it’s more than pkay to be open, honest, and genuine about what’s going through your mind before anything ever happens (so long as you are also kind, tactful, and speaking to them in the way that you would like to be spoken to).
In fact, if you need some help “breaking the ice” in this way, consider asking — and answering — the following questions:
- What are you the most concerned or nervous about?
- Do you feel comfortable in this environment?
- What’s your favorite part about foreplay and sex?
- What are your erogenous zones?
- Do you have any particular expectations?
- What’s your biggest turn-on and sex-related pet peeve?
- Is there something new that you’d like to try?
- Should we come up with a safe word?
- Are you a cuddler or nah?
- Do you believe that we’re ready?
Remember, sex is a form of communication, so it’s encouraged to communicate about sex before it transpires. That’s because, the more you know about each other mentally, the easier it will be to enjoy each other…physically/sexually.
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10. Have No Agenda
If you’re going into the evening on some, “And I’m going to be the best that he ever had” or “I already know that this is going to be the best night ever” — no wonder you’re so stressed out. Putting high expectations onto anything, including sex, is a surefire way to end up thinking too hard, trying too hard, or ending up super disappointed. Hmph. Off-topic yet not, I still can’t believe that the people who played on-again-off-again lovebirds Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) and Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) on the original Beverly Hills, 90210 are no longer with us.
Yet as I was thinking about this tip, something that Dylan said before their first time came to mind: “We’re not going to be judging each other up there. We’re going to be enjoying each other.” And y’all, that is exactly the mindset to have before having sex with someone, in real life, for the first time. If that is not the resolve that the two of you are able to come to? Red flag.
11. Kiss. A LOT.
When it comes to the topic of kissing, there are two things that I’m gonna be quick to say. One is, you can’t just be out here sharing your mouth with any and everybody (check out “Can You Actually Get An STI/STD From Kissing? Yes. And No.”). The second is a kiss? A really good, long, and passionate kiss? Chile, while doing that…bad nerves…where (check out “This Valentine's Day, Get Into Some Really Sexy 'Erotic Kissing'”)???
You can thank science for that too because kissing stimulates the bonding hormone oxytocin, it helps you to decide if you are sexually compatible with someone (no joke and also check out “What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?”) and it also produces endorphins that help you to relax and feel really good at the same time.
12. Stay in the Moment
Author Eckhart Tolle once said, “Wherever you are, be there totally.” When it comes to having sex with someone for the first time, if you’re overthinking, you can’t be totally with them. If you’re turning sex into a “performance” instead of an opportunity to simply enjoy the presence of the person you are with, you can’t be totally with them. If you’re worried about the ending before anything has even begun, you can’t be totally with them.
So yes, above all of the other hacks that I’ve mentioned here, determine in your mind to embrace the moment and stay there. If you and your partner go into the experience with this intention, each shared minute of time, taken as they come, can be special, calming, and memorable — just the way a first time should be.
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RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Luckily, there are some things that you can do to either speed up the healing process of a cold or make having one more bearable than usual. Things that are affordable, all-natural, and easy to incorporate into your daily routine.
Are you ready to know how to nip a damn cold in the bud…before you even get one?
Here ya go.
1. Fire Cider
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Two drinks that I am gonna drink all the way down, each and every fall season, are hot chocolate and apple cider (that’s warmed up). So, when I read about something called “fire cider,” it absolutely caught my attention. If you’re not familiar with it, fire cider is a homemade drink that consists of things like apple cider vinegar, herbs and other ingredients that are specifically designed to boost your immune system.
I won’t lie to you — since some of the traditional recipes contain things like onion and garlic (sulfur has potent medicinal properties) and sometimes even hot peppers (which help to clear up congestion) — although fire cider might not be your favorite as far as your palate is concerned, the viruses (because there are reportedly somewhere around 200 of ‘em) that cause colds will lose a lot of their impact if you drink this; and that makes it worth a shot — well, swallow. Some fire cider recipes can be found here, here and here.
2. Probiotics
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” — and that alone should explain why and how a probiotic can help to prevent colds and make it easier to get over them. The reality is that a healthy gut is what helps to monitor how your immune system reacts and responds to harmful pathogens that may try and get into your system, including ones that cause the common cold.
And since probiotics feed your gut with “good bacteria,” this gives your gut the ability to be better (and quicker) at fighting off the bad. So yeah, take a probiotic — all of the time and definitely while you have a cold. It helps.
3. Peppermint (or Eucalyptus) Oil
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Although I rarely get sick (praise the Lord!), when I do catch a cold, I think what I hate the most is not being able to comfortably breathe. Well, something that is proven to help with that is peppermint essential oil. That’s because it contains properties that act as a natural decongestant as well as a fever reducer. Another essential oil that can hook you up in this department is eucalyptus oil. It’s bomb because it helps to soothe a nagging cough, it can clear up chest congestion and ultimately makes it easier to breathe.
So, before turning in at night, either mix a few drops of one (or both) of these oils with a carrier oil like grapeseed, avocado or jojoba, warm it up for 10 seconds in the microwave and apply it to the sides of your nose or on your best or back. Or put the oil in a diffuser. It can quickly ease cold-related symptoms while also making it so much easier for you to rest (which is something else your body needs to get over a cold; more on that in a sec).
4. Zinc Lozenges
Zinc is a mineral that helps to keep your immune system healthy and strong — and since a weakened immunity is directly connected to having more colds (2-4 a year is considered to be “normal,” by the way), it’s always a good idea to have some zinc in your body. As it relates to colds, specifically, aside from the fact that zinc can help you from catching one to begin with, there are also studies which say that sucking on zinc lozenges can help to shorten the timespan of a cold as well.
To be fair, some people have said that zinc lozenges make them feel nauseated; however, everything has its pros and cons and so, how would you know if you’re one of these folks unless you try it? Oh, and while we are on this topic, there are also zinc supplements and foods that are high in zinc (like red meat, lentils, hemp seeds, cashews and quinoa) if you want to try and get more zinc into your system that way (although lozenges are gonna be your best bet on the shortening tip; just sayin’).
5. Foods Rich in Vitamin C
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Speaking of foods that can fight a cold, out of all of what you’ve read here, probably what you are quite familiar with is the fact that vitamin C and colds are mortal enemies. In fact, one pretty significant study says that by taking one gram of vitamin C a day during a cold, you can reduce the severity of your symptoms by as much as 15 percent.
That’s because vitamin C is packed with antioxidants, it helps to reduce bodily inflammation and it helps to strengthen your immunity too. Foods that are full of vitamin C include chili and yellow peppers, kale, kiwi, papaya, broccoli, kale and citrus fruits.
6. Elderberry Tea
If you’re someone who likes to put preserves on your biscuits or toast, have you ever tried one that is made from elderberries (recipe here)? It’s actually pretty good — and good for you because elderberries are high in vitamin C, fiber and antioxidants. And that is why they are great whenever you are trying to hurry up and get over a cold because they also contain properties that are literally antiviral — and since a cold is a virus…well, there you have it.
One of the best ways to get elderberries into your system? Elderberry tea. If you add honey to it, honey can help to shorten symptoms like a stuffy nose, sore throat and cough by 1-2 days. Very cool.
7. REST
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Did you know that even one day of not getting the sleep that you need to weaken your immune system and increase bodily inflammation at the same time too? That’s because one of the benefits of a good night’s rest is it rejuvenates and recharges your system, so that your immunity can work at its optimal level.
Not only that but, according to science, if you already have a cold, getting plenty of rest can benefit you on a few different levels as well. First, your cytokines (proteins that boost your immunity) are released when you sleep.
Second, your body temperature elevates enough to kill some of the bacteria and viruses that are making you sick. Finally, sleep provides you with the energy that you need in order to get through the day while you are healing from your sickness. So, if you want to get through your cold ASAP, be intentional about getting as much rest as you possibly can.
BONUS: A Humidifier
When you get a chance, please check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall”. There really are all kinds of solid reasons to invest in a humidifier around this time of the year — and one of them is to make getting through the cold (and flu) season so much easier for you. Since humidifiers bring moisture into the air, that can help to loosen up congestion, soothe an irritated throat, decrease coughing, help with the healing process of respiratory infections and it can help you to sleep better — so that you can get past your cold sooner.
So, if you don’t already have a humidifier, cop one ASAP. Your future colds will absolutely hate that you did. LOL. For a list of some highly recommended humidifiers that are currently on the market, click here.
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