I’m gonna be honest: It’s topics like the one that we’re about to get into today that really do make grandma’s (actually, these days, with the way our society is going, it’s probably more like great-grandma’s) pearls of wisdom really hit home on a whole ‘nother level. What I mean by that is, have you really ever stopped to think about how less chaotic relationships — and our culture at large, if we’re gonna be really real — would be if more folks actually waited until marriage to have sex? Or shoot, how about just not treating it like some random recreational activity?
As someone who has worked with couples for close to 20 years at this point, I can’t tell you how many folks underestimated just how important — critical even — intimacy is in a marriage, how much it differs from partners that they date, and how their past sexual decisions really do influence their long-term relationship in ways that they never would’ve predicted or imagined. Y’all, no matter what your preferred media medium of choice may tell you,statistics continue to prove that lower body counts really do decrease the chances of divorce; that’s not “shaming,” it’s reality.
That said, what’s an unexpected thing that may complicate your sex life with your partner if you’re not careful? Being consumed with whether you’re the best that he’s ever had or not. Yeah, it’s not the kind of topic that you tend to see all over cyberspace, yet it is something that most — if not all — women have wondered…sometimes to the point of creating unnecessary stress and potential drama in their relationship because they can’t seem to let the query go.
Let’s get free today from it, though.
A Recap on What “Best” Means
GiphyAlthough it’s been five years since I wrote, “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again,” and even though quite a few things in my life have changed since that time when it comes to that particular resolve, I’m firmer than I’ve ever been. Aside from being, as I oftentimes say, “too old for a ‘boy’ anything” — I don’t see a lot of benefits from acting like you’re married when you’re actually not (which is how most people do boyfriend/girlfriend relationships these days). If I’m gonna get that deeply involved again, I’ll need a ring and his last name, please. Otherwise, I’m good. Better than that, even.
That doesn’t mean that the boyfriends from my past haven’t left me with some real gems, though. For instance, while a part of me wishes that I could take the credit for today’s conversation, it’s actually my last boyfriend who introduced the concept of a sexual favorite being more important than a sexual best. How did the topic come about? It’s simple: my dumb-ass decided to ask him if I was his best or not.
Why do I put it that way? Because, just like those ridiculous hypothetical questions, scenarios, and scruples that I see so many women present to their man online, ones that typically stir up nothing more than hurt feelings or arguments that could have been fully avoided, the same goes for the “best” discourse. I mean, if both of you had other partners, why do you want to put yourself through the stress of knowing who was (potentially) better than you?
Or any of the other words that define best:
Best: of the highest quality, excellence, or standing; most advantageous, suitable, or desirable
Synonyms: outstanding, perfect, first-rate, 10, incomparable, baddest, leading, unequal, matchless, beyond compare
GOODNESS. Now, when you put this in a sexual context, as if the definitions aren’t intimidating enough, a lot of different factors can come into what qualifies someone as being another person’s best — the sexual chemistry may be off the charts. Maybe it was a one-night stand that was a random best. Perhaps some techniques were learned that created a type of pleasure that was one’s best.
Or, as my ex explained to me, when he gently (I mean, as gently as you can when it comes to something like this) told me that no, I wasn’t his “best.” There was a partner from his past who was, let’s go, with the word “customizable” because she didn’t have a lot of sexual history or experience. And so, since he was introducing her to a lot about sex was all about, that also meant that she was meeting his specific needs, and so — that made her his best.
And while, at first, it was a little jarring to hear that, with as much time we had put into the relationship and, honestly, how much sex we had been having up until the point of the conversation, I have to admit that not only did he make perfect sense, it wasn’t like he was my best either. Nah, I had to go on a “get my heart pieces back” tour (you can read more about that here, also check out “Let's Finally 'Spring Clean' ALL Of Our Exes Out Of Our Lives, Shall We?” when you get a chance as well) to get what, I think who I would still consider to be my best, out of my system, chile.
And what made “him” my best? I was over-the-top attracted to him. We both were very much in sync outside of the bedroom. He was curious and adventurous as hell. From the first time until the last one, there was no awkwardness or hesitation — lust was very present and strong. I can’t recall one time when I wasn’t euphorically satisfied. In fact, when we did catch up during my tour, we both talked about how we had to consciously “quit” each other in order to leave each other alone and “sexually detox” so to speak. That kind of sex? Yeah, it qualifies as best — no doubt about it.
Beyond me, though, even as I’m writing about all of this, I’m thinking about husbands who have told me that women other than their wives gave them their best fellatio and wives who have said that men other than their husbands have given them the most orgasms. If as you’re reading this, a part of you is like, how the hell can people trust each other to remain faithful or not feel intimidated if they don’t happen to be their partner’s best? Well, I do have an answer for you. You can thank my ex for it because it’s awesome.
Care less about being someone’s “best.” Care more about being (or becoming) their FAVORITE.
Now Here’s Why “Favorite” Should Be Your Ultimate Goal
GiphyI’ve been a full-time writer for most of my life; even before then, English and creative writing were classes that I fully enjoyed in school, so it’s not like I didn’t know what “favorite” meant before my ex and I talked about it. Still, in the way that he meant it, it was indeed the ultimate light bulb and ah-ha moment for me. Before I explain why, a recap of its definitions and some of its synonyms too:
Favorite: a person or thing regarded with special favor or preference; a person treated with special or undue favor by a king, official, etc.
Synonyms: beloved, cherished, treasured, choice, dear, intimate, sweetheart, adored, best-loved, main
Can you already see where this is going? Some strange woman who a man meets in a bar while he’s on vacation, who he goes up into a hotel room with and has a night of passionate sex with, it all could be something that he describes as “outstanding” and “first-rate.” Yet the woman to who he commits his life and only sleeps with her after marriage, he can see as “beloved” and their sex as “intimate.”
When you really want to build something with someone that is significant and lasting — which sounds better: best or favorite? And that’s what my boyfriend (at the time) was trying to convey.
The mechanics of sex with someone who came before me did make things damn near perfect for him, yet he enjoyed me because I was his choice, his main, and our experiences were cherished and very dear to him — so much so that he had no regrets or desires to exchange his past best for his (then) current favorite.
I mean, take it outside of sex to get a clearer view. One time, while I was on the road touring with an organization that I used to work with, I had some of the BEST beef ribs ever. Chile now? I can’t even tell you the name of the restaurant at this point; I just recall how the ribs made me feel at the time that I had them. My favorite, though? To tell you the truth, before Tony Roma’s went down ina major flood that Nashville had back in 2010, I would probably say it was theirs (the ones who know…know).
Now, though, I’ve mastered how to make some pretty tender and delicious (if I do say so myself) beef ribs at home, and so my homemade batches are what I consider to be my absolute favorite. They are so good that, while I remember some things about my best, I don’t long for them. I like the "favorite" more; they are my preference because that "best" experience…I don’t know if I can ever recreate that. My favorite? I’ve done it so many times and the results have been so consistent that I am beyond content. See my point?
Okay, so what about you hyper-cynical folks who think this is all a crock of bull and if you can’t be your man’s best, you don’t want anything at all? Well, first of all, you might want to get yourself a virgin (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that) in order to significantly and realistically increase your odds of that being the case. Secondly — caring so much about being someone’s best is usually more about ego than intimacy anyway. Ask any married couple who has more than five wedding anniversaries under the belt, and I’m willing to bet some pretty good money that they will tell you that your bed doesn’t have enough for two people and two egos to fit into it.
Meaning, being someone’s best is a nice pat on the back, I won’t lie — yet if that’s your focus, you really can miss out on all of the beautiful things that can come with just resting in the fact that whether you will ever be someone’s best or not…you can always say, do and simply be things that will make you be/become their one-thousand-and-one-perfect favorite.
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In fact, should my time to say “I do” ever come, being my husband’s best won’t even really matter to me. For one thing, I already know I ain’t no slouch (I’m kidding yet not — LOL) and so, knowing that he chose me, even above who may have been his best before me, that automatically makes me his favorite because, again, favorite means choice. And if you chose me…when it’s all said and done, that’s all that really matters.
Let “her” be his best in their season, chile.
Who cares?
He and I have a lifetime to remain one another’s favorite.
WE WIN. #wink
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America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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