5 Signs You're In An Emotional Affair And Don't Even Know It

They Give You Butterflies.

Think back to the people who've given you those butterfly feelings, down deep in your stomach before. When you were a child, they were probably a teacher or one of your older siblings' friends. As you got older, it was probably someone you ended up dating, or at least kickin' it with. My point? Either it was someone you had a crush on, or someone who became more than a friend.

If there is someone in your life who has you feeling the way those people in your past did and that person happens to be married or in a relationship with someone else? Spin it however you want to, but you are attracted to them and on a slippery slope.

Attraction is the open door (or gateway drug) to taking relationships to the next level. If someone is spoken for, there should be no "level" on the menus other than a platonic connection and involvement.

You Are "Secret Friends".

I can't remember what movie I saw that had this line in it, but it stayed with me regardless — "Secrets are seductive". Keeping that in mind, there's a guy I used to counsel who had (count 'em) seven emotional affairs over the course of a 15-year marriage.

How'd he end up with so many? It's because he didn't think anything was wrong with what he was doing. In his mind, since he was just talking to other women on the phone, texting from time to time, and having lunch every once in a while, it was all good. After all, friends do that, right?

Yep. They do. Here's the problem, though. His wife knew NOTHING about ANY of these interactions.

I don't know about you, but I don't have any friends who are secrets from other people. However, back in my creepin' days, I messed around with folks that no one knew about, and that's just where I'm going with this. If you've gotta hide 'em, there's something shady that's either already going on or about to be.

(By the way, he ended up divorcing his wife and marrying one of those — ahem — "friends".)

You're Avoiding Their Spouse.

This point is connected to the one I just made. I have male married friends. Guess what? All of their wives have access to me. I've met them before and they have my phone number. It's for two reasons. One, I believe that when a woman trusts you enough to spend time with their man, on any level, that is a privilege; the least I can do is make sure she can reach me if she needs to. Two, if I care about my male friends, I should care about who and what they care about; their wife goes on the very top of that list.

While I might not be "besties" with the women, we're quite cool.

If you would prefer to avoid your friend's spouse (or significant other), unless they are psycho or something, you should ask yourself why. If everything's on the up-and-up, their partner knowing you shouldn't be that big of a deal.

Is it?

If They Were an Option, You'd Be All Over Them.

Listen, I love my married male friends. Each one is awesome and has been a true lifesaver on a lot of levels. Next sentence — although they're attractive, smart, funny, ambitious, and I can see why their wives chose them, their relationship status isn't the only reason why we're "just friends". Meaning, even if they were single, I'm good. They're just not my type. On any level. Period.

Now, one time I did have a married male friend that had me HOT at God that I didn't meet him before he said, "I do" to his wife. And you know what? That was my cue that I was teetering on getting into an emotional affair.

So yeah, if you've got a friend who's in a relationship and you know you'd want to be with them if they weren't? Be very careful…you're probably already more (emotionally) attached than you need to be.

You Can't CLEARLY DEFINE the Relationship.

It's complicated. When something is defined as being complex, that means it's difficult to understand and/or hard to interpret. Grandma used to say, "Somethin' in the buttermilk ain't clean."

What in the world is so complicated about a genuine friendship? You like each other's personalities, you have things in common, and you both strive to make one another better people. That means you support their relationship and they support your single status and/or your getting into a relationship with someone else. Simple as that. Over and out.

If you need an hour and a Merriam-Webster's Dictionary to explain what your friendship is all about, something is definitely off. Very.

BONUS: They Let These Things Happen to You and Your "Friendship".

If you can check most or all of these things off on your box, there's a serious comin' to Jesus meeting that you need to have with yourself. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up too much because there's another side to this situation.

If the person you're in an emotional affair with ALLOWED things to get this far, they are shady as all get out and, on some level, they are right up in your emotional affair with you.

Why do I say this? It's simple. Happily married people set healthy boundaries with other individuals. They aren't cool with their spouse knowing nothing about their other friends, and they can clearly define what is going on.

If the person you're "friends" with isn't like this, I hate to break it to you, but they're not really your friend. A true friendisn't going to keep you a secret or want you wasting your time in something that isn't going anywhere. They're not gonna set you up for possibly having an unpleasant run-in with their spouse someday either.

If you can't honestly say that your friends establish and have boundaries, well…not only are you (probably) in an emotional affair that you need to get out of but a "friendship" that needs to come to an end too. Real talk.