We as a generation have become determined to unpack our trauma in order to create better lives for ourselves and our future families (however we choose to fulfill that role). No matter how obnoxious it may get, for better or worse, we’ve started to familiarize ourselves with terms such as gaslighting or trauma bond. The more we unpack, the more “come to Jesus” moments we may have about the state of our current relationships.
Eventually, this requires loving ourselves more than we love others – it means showing up for ourselves in the face of what appears to be love but is often a trauma bond. Though easier to spot in romantic relationships, they do also occur in friendships as well. My focus today will be the romantic kind because the intimate concoction of trauma conflated with sex and sometimes love is a bit more complicated to navigate.
I chatted with Shawnessa Devonish MA, LCPC, NCC Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor so that we could fully understand what a trauma bond might look like.
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The first thing obviously is for us to clearly define a trauma bond. Devonish matter of factly explains that “trauma bonds are developed when feelings of compatibility are sparked based off of suffering from both individuals. The connection is so enhanced that it intensifies intimacy.” She later adds, “Any traumatic [or] distressing experience can trigger the development of a trauma bond with others. In addition, a person’s susceptibility to becoming trapped in a trauma bond can be determined by childhood interactions and experiences.”
Dunno about you, but this is sorta what I envisioned the whole time I was tossing the word around. What I wasn’t aware of was the fact that a trauma bond can take an alternative form and the bond can also be built when the relationship is initiated with abusive red flags. When it does, it almost ends up looking like Stockholm syndrome. The abuse breaks the victim down and the abuser initially gives large doses of affection, but the longer the abuse goes on, the less the affection follows. The victim can grow dependent on this affection, and the sex can feel like a reward.
I, however, would like to focus on the former because I think this is often the type of trauma bond we’re often speaking of. The trauma bonds that have us in a chokehold because the sex and overall experience are so intense that it feels like the purest form of love in the midst of darkness.
Why Is Trauma Bond Sex So Damn Good?
You might have guessed it but the one and only “feel-good hormone” is responsible for the intense, mind-blowing sex. Our expert goes into more detail stating, “Trauma bounds intensify the sexual experience because it increases dopamine (‘the feel-good hormone’) levels in our minds–they enhance the sexual act and motivate more sexual encounters.”
Despite the glaring fact that all you two may have in common is trauma and good sex, this connection is strong enough to omit indications of a pleasurable experience to your brain because “we as humans have an innate need for connection/companionship and that alone can become addictive to some. Specifically when a person becomes hyper-focused on maintaining those [feelings of ] pleasure, even if it is temporary and toxic. The craving for connection becomes so intense that it can prevent some people from thinking logically.”
She later adds, “This leaves the door open for potentially toxic relationship dynamics because people neglect to search for compatibility in other areas [careers, hobbies, etc]. Hence, people are at risk of being blinded by the manipulative, disrespectful, critical, and/or callous partner.” This in turn means the relationship dynamic is easily transformed into an abusive one. With that, I had to question whether this dynamic can ever actually be mutual, authentic love and the answer is yes, it can.
However, Devonish warns that because the relational dynamic isn’t the best, to begin with, it's likely a dysfunctional type of love. She provides the analogy of having a love for junk food. Furthermore, she says, “It is important that individuals refrain from allowing the ‘love’ to blind them to the point where they are making illogical and impulsive decisions pertaining to the unhealthy relationship.”
Trauma Bonds: Red Flags to Look Out for, According to Our Expert
1. Dissatisfaction Outside of Sexual Encounters
Is the partner providing you with satisfaction outside of sexual encounters? When you take a moment to review things, you may notice that your partner is inconsistent, disrespectful, controlling, or even critical. It is important to assess how you overall feel in the relationship and not solely base that assessment on sex.
2. All You Have in Common Is…Trauma
Do you and that person talk about anything else? Connecting with a person solely because of a common trauma experience can be risky since it can trigger flashbacks, nightmares, or even re-traumatize you. If you discover that you have nothing else to talk about, you may be in a trauma bonding situation.
3. Make Note of Narcissistic Traits
When it comes to trauma bonding in intimate relationships, it is important to assess manipulative and controlling behaviors from your partner. Some may be overlooking them due to their need to maintain that connection or even because of the sympathy they have for that person.
Can Trauma Bonds be Broken?
Short answer: yes. But that doesn’t necessarily result in your being with this partner anymore. Nonetheless, here are a few expert-approved ways to do so:
- Talk to professionals to gain an objective/realistic view of the dynamic. Trauma bonds are so intense that they prevent people from thinking logically. Reaching out to professionals (ex: therapists, healers) can be helpful because we educate and assist clients with seeing things from new lenses.
- Look into EMDR Therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a trauma treatment approach to therapy that assists clients with reprocessing trauma so that the experience is no longer physically or emotionally distressing to the client. During the EMDR process, clients can also develop insight that may encourage them to release themselves from the shackles of any trauma bonds.
- Assess your options. In trauma bonding relationships, it may feel like your only option is to be with that partner. However, you are capable of leaving. Work on developing a plan of action. You can also reach out to a professional or even the National Domestic Violence Hotlines to obtain some strategies and resources (if you are in an abusive relationship).
Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to determine if the bond you two have is deeper than the trauma you share and if it is in turn salvageable. Because so much of the criteria for what constitutes the bond being "salvageable" leaves little to no room for commonalities, you may find when you all go to do the work that there’s not much of a solid foundation to stand on, much less grow from.
In fact, I urge you and your partner to simultaneously seek out individual help while communicating your observations as you work to shift the nature of your relationship. One-on-one expert help will create a safe place for you to process hard truths on your own time, in your own space.
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I’ve shared before that waste means “to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return,” and if you are doing things that don’t really give you an ROI on the minutes and hours that you will never see again, to a large extent, you are definitely wasting your time. One way to avoid doing that is to manage your time wisely, and one way to do that is to incorporate a quote by author Stephen Covey: “The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” That’ll preach. A few sermons.
So, how can you know, without question, that you could stand to do some fine-tuning when it comes to time management? Well, for starters, if the following eight things apply to you on some level, you definitely could use some work on improving your time management skills. ASAP too.
1. You Spend Too Much Time on Social Media
GiphyReportedly, 10-15 percent of marriages are sexless. To be a part of category, it means that you have sex with your spouse no more than 10-12 times a year. What this basically boils down to is if you only engage in copulation once a month, you technically fall into this demographic (by the way, you’re considered to have a healthy marital sex life if you engage in coitus no less than once a week).
Where am I going with all of this? Well, whenever I have clients who are sexless and one or both of them tell me that they don’t have time for intimacy, one of the first things that I ask is how much time they spend on social media — and boy, you should see their faces. LOL.
There really is no telling how many times I’ve shared on this platform that most people spend somewhere around 2.5 hours, daily, on social media AND that most people are fine with intercourse lasting between 7-13 minutes. So nah, it doesn’t fly that if you’re not gettin’ it in with your partner, it’s because you’ve run out of time. A quickie alone gives you PLENTY of it.
It won’t feel that way, though, if you’re on social media for — shoot, the length of time of a movie (and then one sitcom episode). And that’s what you’ve got to watch about your time, in general, because if you are online a whopping 150 minutes each and every day — think about all of the other things that you could be getting done: exercising, meal prepping, goal-setting, catching up with family members and friends…so much, chile.
Social media as a form of entertainment or escapism is cool. Most experts say that beyond 30 minutes a day is leaning into it being somewhat counterproductive, though (unless you are getting actual work done on it). So yeah, if you want to become a master at time management, using self-discipline while being on your social media accounts is a great way to start.
Social media time management hack: Turn on a 30-minute sitcom and scroll as you watch it. Once it’s over — BING! You know that you’ve been on IG, TikTok or Facebook for 30 minutes straight.
2. You Are (Almost) Always Late
GiphyBack in my 20s, it was nothing for me to be late — if I showed up to something (that I said I was coming to) at all. And boy, was I being selfish, entitled and disrespectful of other people’s time. Yeah, you don’t really realize until you’re on the receiving end of someone’s tardiness (especially perpetual tardiness) just how irresponsible it can be to not show up at the time when you said that you would. Because really, if it — whatever “it” is — was gonna be, whenever, why was a time set in the first place?
Not to mention the fact that being late tends to have a ripple effect because, unless you and someone else were going to be together for an entire day, they typically have other things to do after leaving you — and your lateness could affect their already planned schedule.
Effective time management means that you plan things when you know that you can do them, you give yourself enough time to arrive on time — and if, for some reason, you’re going to be late, you respect the person enough to let them know.
Besides, people who keep schedules tend to be less stressed — and because they value other people’s time enough to not waste it, their relationships tend to be more easy-going too. That’s because respecting time cultivates trust; it makes you appear reliable which is always a good thing.
How to be on time hack: Add time to your time. What I mean by that is, if you told someone that you would meet up with them at 6:30 and you are 20 minutes away, add 20 minutes to that time. It helps when it comes to unexpected traffic and prevents you from rushing.
3. You Don’t Have Daily Goals
GiphyIdle hands are the devil’s workshop. King Solomon was once inspired to say that. Hmph. While we’re here, he also said that idle lips are his mouthpiece (just sayin’ — Proverbs 16:27). Anyway, as far as the hands thing, when you don’t have goals, it can be really easy to waste time — maybe because you’re bored, maybe because you’re antsy, maybe because, whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, you are looking for ways to use up your time. Problem is, when your time isn’t being utilized wisely, you can end up killing time — time that you will never get back.
It can’t be said enough that we all get the same 24 hours in a day and within each day, many productivity experts say that it’s important to have somewhere between 3-5 daily goals. It’s a good way to use your time wisely, to feel inspired and motivated and to make progress in various areas of your life.
How to set daily goals hack: Before turning in each night, pull out a journal or your phone and jot down three short-term goals that can be done the following day and two longer-term ones that you can start on. Make sure one long-term goal can be completed by the end of the week.
4. You Overestimate Your Multitasking Capabilities
GiphyMozart once said, “The shorter way to do many things is to only do one thing at a time." That said, I am always tickled whenever a female client (it is ALWAYS a female client — LOL) brags to me about how good she is at doing a million things at once. Listen, just because you can do that, it doesn’t mean that you are doing each of the things well. Science says so. And while some experts say that two is the limit and others say four, when it comes to checking things off of your to-do list, try to avoid doing several things at one time.
For one thing, it reduces the chance that you will make a mistake or overlook something. Also, it can prevent you from feeling anxious or frazzled. Yeah, even if you think that you are getting a lot done by multitasking, it can create unnecessary pressure and stress into your life and who needs that? It can also up your chances of doing things over — and that definitely can be a waste of your time.
How to multitask less hack: Meditate before starting your day. This means not looking at your phone, especially. Why? Because when you see all of the texts and notifications that are in it, that is typically what tempts you to attempt multiple things at once. Instead, ease into your morning quietly and calmly. Then prioritize what needs to be done and only do two things at a time.
Knowing that you were thorough is so much more satisfying than feeling like you did five things at once at an average level.
5. You Overwhelm Yourself
GiphyKnow what else can come from super multitasking — you find yourself feeling so overwhelmed that you become mentally and physically stagnant. In fact, many mental health experts say that it is very common to find yourself procrastinating whenever you are overwhelmed. Why? Well, when you sit and think about doing things that you may not want to do, that can overwhelm you.
At the same time, if you keep putting off what you need to do (good or “bad”), for days on end, until stuff piles up, the very thought of getting it all taken care of can tempt you to procrastinate — which only leads to a bigger pile of stuff to get overwhelmed with.
As a result, rather than what needs to be done, you intentionally seek out distractions that don’t really benefit you in the long run (more times than not).
How to stop overwhelming yourself hack: Write down what needs to be done in the order of their importance. Then go for a walk to clear your mind and commit to doing a couple of the things upon your return. Do them and then take another quick break before doing a couple more. The breaks will keep you from feeling stressed out from the weight of it all. Think of it like tearing down a mountain — a stone at a time.
6. You Don’t Have a Sleep Schedule
GiphyYou NEED sleep. Sleep IS NOT a luxury. And for goodness’ sake, stop saying that you’ll sleep when you’re dead? You’ll be dead when you’re dead. All of this said, I doubt that health experts will ever state that you won’t need between 6-8 hours of sleep every night. Sleep boosts immunity, so that you don’t “lose time” getting over being sick. Sleep gives you energy, so that you can actually get things done. Sleep helps with your cognitive function, so that your memory, concentration and productivity are intact, so that you can do things well.
A lot of people waste time because they aren’t performing well and it’s all because they aren’t getting the quality rest that they should. If you are one of these individuals, you should really consider implementing a sleep schedule. At the end of the day, all it means is you are prioritizing sleep — because you absolutely should.
How to start a sleep schedule hack: A part of what comes with having a sleep schedule is incorporating a bedtime routine. Check out “These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier” for tips on how to make that easier for you.
7. Pleasure Isn’t Prioritized
GiphyRecently, a friend of mine wrote to me to say that their boyfriend (of quite some time) decided to, pretty much out of nowhere, break up with her a week before her birthday. When I asked her what her availability was so that I could treat her to lunch or dinner, she shared with me that most nights, she is working until 10:30pm. What in the world, chile?
If you don’t have a good and consistent work/life balance, you also low-key suck at time management because you absolutely were not put on this earth to do nothing but work all day and night long. SMDH. Pleasure is about enjoyment and some of your time is absolutely to be filled with that. If you don’t carve out leisure time to do things that make you happy — you 1000 percent suck at time management.
How to prioritize what pleases you (more often) hack: One hour a day during the week. No less than three hours, at least one day, on the weekends. Devote that time to nothing but what you enjoy doing. It keeps the stress levels down and also makes it easier to do the tasks that are less fun that need to be done.
8. You Don’t “Tithe” Your Time
GiphyAlthough tithe is a word that most of us don’t hear unless it’s in reference to church (Malachi 3), the word actually means “a tenth part or any indefinitely small part of anything” — and yes, when it comes to your time, it’s really important to tithe it out when it comes to things like your health regimen, self-care and decompression.
So, that said, be honest — do you tithe your time in the sense of making sure that within your 24-hour day, time is set aside for certain things? Now, to be fair, 10 percent of 24 hours is 2.4 hours, right? So, while some of these things might need to be combined — doing some yoga while binge-watching a show would qualify as “tithe timing.” So would taking a bubble bath and listening to your favorite podcast.
How to tithe your time hack: No matter what is going on, make sure that 2.4 hours, DAILY, is set aside for a bit of “you” time — you in the sense of doing what reminds you to prioritize yourself.
BONUS: You Remain in Cyclic Nonsense
I can’t believe that it’s basically been a year since I released my third book (what is time?). In it, there is a chapter entitled, “The Nice Guy Narcissist” and although the man’s name (and certain details that would make it clear to some folks who I am talking about) isn’t present, my circle knows who I am referring to.
Anyway, one of my friends loathes him so much that she doesn’t deal with him on any level — even has him blocked on social media. Meanwhile, a guy who has been basically wasting her time since she was a teenager (who she allows to put her through all sorts of mental and emotional roller coaster rides and she’s middle-aged at this point), they play the block/unblock game on a monthly basis.
That same energy she has for who hurt me? She needs to give her own self a triple portion for the clown in her life. In fact, I’ve said to her that I think she is actually projecting on “my guy” because she doesn’t have the courage to do the same with her own (ouch and amen).
And that is why the video above this point is so fitting. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that you’ve seen a hamster in a hamster wheel before. Hmph. All that running and not getting any damn wear. Cyclic patterns are just like that — and if you are in a cyclic situation, how can you NOT be wasting your time? What can going around and around and getting nowhere be a way of using your time wisely. You wanna master time management? Leave the people, places, things and ideas that are counterproductive AF TOTALLY alone. FOR GOOD.
A way to get off of your own hamster wheel hack: The thing that is your “wheel,” think about the ways that it takes you backwards and keeps you stuck. Then get REALLY HONEST about what needs to be done to move you forward. THEN DO THAT THING.
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Author Micheal Altshuler once said, “The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot” — and as I wrap this up, when it comes to time management, truer words have not been spoken.
The beautiful thing about time management is you have the ability to manage your own.
Hopefully now you know how to do that a bit better.
So that you can get the absolute most out of your time.
Amen? YES.
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