While doing my usual internet reading and researching, I happened upon two articles on the topic of oral sex; two that clearly aren't on the same page. One was entitled "Oral Sex Is Not The Measure Of A Partner". It opened up talking about when DJ Khaled stated that (sigh) he didn't go down and how, in spite of that being the shock (and disgust) that was heard around the world, no one should've cared but his wife. Not only that but oral sex should never be the be all or end all of a relationship. Eh. There's a lot to get into today so I won't expound too much. What I will say is I personally think that a lot of us rolled our eyes because he expected to receive what he was not willing to give; that it wasn't a mutual understanding. Sir Khaled shared a huge double standard and, in the process, he also came off pretty selfish and high schoolish about cunnilingus. Actually…younger than that because I used to mentor teens and chile, these teens out here…never mind.
Then I read another article that was more up my alley. "Why You Should Never Settle For A Relationship Without Oral Sex". Yeah, I'm totally with that. Not to say that I don't know some people who hate to give and/or receive oral sex. If that's you and your partner is cool with that, feel free to skip over this or forward it along to someone else. But if you're someone who is like, "Oral sex is a total non-negotiable in my relationship", so much in fact that, from where you sit, the more you can learn about it, the better, this is your lucky day.
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While I personally think that a willing and curious spirit is half of the battle when it comes to keeping your partner happy and satisfied in the oral sex arena, as with all things sexual, there are things that can be done to take things to another level. If you're ready to do that—or to teach your partner how—I've got some tips that will make you smile and would definitely make Khaled blush a few times over.
1. Do Some Reading on the Topic. From Black Women.
Black women are naturally sexy. That is a full and complete sentence. That's why, if you're a little apprehensive or self-conscious when it comes to discussing oral sex with your girls (because they tend to have some good tips), I recommend looking up some articles and podcasts from sistahs who are totally liberated when it comes to the topic.
Two that come to mind are the article "'HELLA BLOWS': AN ESSAY ABOUT SUCKING D*** – WE MUST STOP SHAMING BLACK WOMEN ABOUT ORAL SEX" (yep, it's printed in all caps) and the podcast "Listen: Eating that ass like groceries- Chatting about dining below the belt with Black Women Be Like and Guest" (love the African accents on this one). These are absolutely NSFW, but if you give them a shot, you might discover that it can be oddly comforting to hear Black women be so forthcoming. Also, it could possibly be what helps to pull you out of your shell or to try new things. Or, if you're already super-adventurous, it can give you something to think and/or laugh about. Because there's nothing like learning about or listening to sex from women who are a lot like you. Well, us.
2. Share Some Oral Fantasies
Personally, I think that one of the biggest misconceptions about oral sex is there is only one way to do it and everyone likes it just that way.
That said, if you're someone who is shy, disinterested or even bored when it comes to how your past oral sex encounters have been, spice things up by sharing some of your fantasies with your partner.
I'm not talking about barking orders five minutes before you attempt another round of head. I mean something along the lines of getting a journal that is completely devoted to nothing but oral sex—both ways—where you both can share your innermost thoughts, desires and curiosities. Just reading the entries alone can stir things up enough to make you want to make some of those dreams come true.
3. Invest in an Oral Sex Pillow
Sometimes oral sex feels more like a chore than anything else and it's all due to one thing—neck placement. No matter how awesome the act itself may be, it's hard to enjoy anything when it's causing some discomfort, am I right? A remedy for that is to pick up an oral sex pillow. Some that get rave reviews include the Liberator Wedge Intimate Sex Positioning Pillow, the Liberator Jaz Original Wedge Pillow and the Evercharm Half Moon Pillow Adult Toy.
4. Experiment with Various “Oral Sex Positions”
When it comes to sex positions, most of us think about them in the context of intercourse. But did you know that there are some that will take oral sex to new heights, depths and climaxes? This is one of those instances where I can show you better than I can tell you, so if you'd like to get a few ideas, click here to look at literally dozens of different oral-sex-specific poses.
5. DIY a Flavored Lubricant
Whether or not you decide to use a condom or a dental dam during oral sex (because you can get STDs from fellatio and cunnilingus; don't get it twisted), it can be fun to bring some lubricant into the mix. Just make sure that it has a flavor to it that you actually like. Because a lot of brands contain all kinds of chemicals, my suggestion would be to make some of your own.
A cool recipe that I found has coconut oil and margarita flavoring in it. Another thing that you can do is purchase some cinnamon essential oil (it's naturally sweet and packs a bit of heat). However, since both of these are oil-based and oil and latex don't mix, substituting the oil with 100 percent Aloe Vera is an alternative worth considering.
6. Chew Some Mint Gum. First.
As far as fellatio goes, for all parties involved, the more saliva (or lubrication) that's involved, the better. One way to get your juices flowing is to chew a piece of gum. The reason why I recommend one that comes in a mint flavor is it can "dull" the taste of pre-ejaculate (if that freaks you out). Plus, a minty sensation can be a pleasant cooling sensation experience for your partner.
7. Find an Atypical Location
Location, location, location. That's what they say, right? Well, another way to take oral sex to another level is by getting out of the bedroom. Oh, and totally incorporating the element of surprise. Get into the shower while your partner is washing up and getting ready for work. One or both of you kneel on the side of the couch in between favorite television programs. If you've got a garage, park your car into it and get on the hood of your vehicle. If you've got some sushi, hop on your kitchen counter to partake in a little bit of Nyotaimori (I'll let you look that one up). Get on your dryer while it's running. Find an abandoned building (at night) and go ham.
When it comes to making oral sex an unforgettable experience, creating the right ambiance will earn you some major, major points. Each and every time you intentionally decide to go beyond the borders of your bedroom.
8. Bring Some Condiments In
An ex of mine used to say that if you need to add a condiment to your meal, someone didn't cook it right. Along these same lines, while I do believe that an oral sex connoisseur shouldn't have to depend on things like honey, chocolate or maple syrup, whipped cream or ice cream in order to keep their partner climbing the walls, if you want to switch things up, bringing these into the mix certainly can't hurt.
Just make sure to use them on the genitalia and not in you as much as possible. The reason why I say that is because while the odds are low, there have been instances of women developing maggots in their vagina. Even if something that extreme doesn't happen, placing food into your vaginal canal can definitely throw off your va-jay-jay's pH balance and lead to a vaginal infection. Just something to keep in mind.
9. Keep Your Lingerie on Longer
Not too long ago, I interviewed some married couples about what they enjoy most about their sex life. Some of them raved for several minutes (good for them!), so I had to edit their responses. On the topic of oral sex, something that a husband and wife told me is there is something about a woman keeping her panties on while she's, how did Kelly Rowland put it…getting "kisses down low", that makes cunnilingus really hot. The husband's exact words were, "The tease is as fun as the actual act. If there is a foreplay to oral sex, it's leaving a pair of sexy panties on longer."
Hey, they are a decade in, so I'll totally take his word for it.
10. Talk. Listen. Rinse. Repeat.
A few months ago, Elite Daily published a piece on why dirty talk is a fave among so many people (me included). One of the things that the article mentioned is it's a proven way to destress. But even if it's not something that you and/or yours are particularly big on, never assume that either of you can read one another's mind, even in the bedroom (or wherever y'all choose to get down).
Sex, when done right, is one of the best forms of communication that there is. So, if there's something that you want more or less of, tell your partner that. Encourage him to do the same. A lot of the people I know who could take or leave oral sex have also shared that they don't want to tell their partner why. How are they supposed to please you if you don't tell them how? (That's not a rhetorical question, by the way.)
11. Stop Treating Oral Like Mere Foreplay
Personally, I think that one of the BIGGEST—yep, I'm that serious about it—mistakes that couples make is treating oral sex like its foreplay (an appetizer) rather than "real sex" (a full meal). Now when I say that, I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect more if you want more. What I am saying is that when things are done well and right, it can definitely scratch the right itch, if you know what I mean.
That said, rather than hurrying through it so that you can get on to the next part, take clocks out of the room, put on your favorite slow jams and make it a point and purpose to just be in the moment. However long that moment lasts. Whether intercourse follows…or…not.
12. Buy an Ora 2
If you want a little bit of an extra sensation, something that a lot of women are super fond of is the Ora 2 oral sex stimulator. It fits comfortably in your hand, changes intensity based on the pressure that's applied, and it's specifically designed with your clitoris in mind.
13. Don’t Get Lazy. Don’t Be Redundant Either.
Lazy head. My male friends have talked to me about it, on more than one occasion. From what they've described, it's about as bad as teeth getting in the way (which is pretty bad). Without getting too graphic, they say it's lazy when a woman thinks she's "doing something" just because a man's penis is in her mouth. Predictable head. That is what some women have told me is their oral sex pet peeve. The same kind, the same way, every time.
We're all grown here, so no one should feel as if they should get major points just for agreeing to fellatio or cunnilingus in the first place. If your intention is not to bring your "A" game (that includes enthusiasm and creativity), every time, really…why do it?
15. Praise the Performance
Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Yep. I can't remember exactly where I read it, but I did peep a piece that said that praise is important because, not only does it boost our self-esteem, it also motivates us and gives us more energy to complete whatever tasks we're involved in.
Not to say that oral sex is a chore or anything (far from it), but just imagine how much more you can get out of your partner if you tell him how bomb the experience was rather than simply yawning, rolling over and falling asleep?
BONUS: Select the Right Condom
If you'd prefer to use a condom, one way to not make the experience to where the rubber is the focal point is to get the kind that will enhance everything. I really dig that Men's Health did an entire feature entitled "These Are the Best Condoms and Lubes to Use for Oral Sex, According to a Sex Educator", so if you need some condom referrals, I recommend starting there.
Life is short. Oral sex is good. Get some and then make it better—every time. Hopefully these tips will help you and yours to do just that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
Jill Scott Is Proof That Oral Sex Can Be Empowering
6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees
Feature image by Shutterstock
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"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
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My main motive? Mostly, I hope that it will serve as a solid reminder to embrace all of the things that you adore about this time of year, so long as you do it in moderation and you weigh the costs.
Especially as far as drinking alcohol is concerned.
PRO: Manages Blood Sugar Levels
GiphyHere’s something that you may have never seen coming. Were you aware of the fact that alcohol can actually help to stabilize your blood sugar? Yep, according to the American Diabetes Association, so long as you leave it to no more than 1-2 cocktails a day, alcohol may be able to lower your A1C levels. Pretty cool, right?
CON: It’s a Carcinogen
GiphyAlcohol is a carcinogen. The reason why this should somewhat alarm you is because carcinogens are things (like tobacco, UV rays, processed meats, etc.) that can increase your chances of being diagnosed with cancer (especially mouth, throat, esophagus, stomach and breast cancer). There are various ways this happens including the fact that alcohol, specifically, can hinder your body from breaking down certain nutrients, it can cause your estrogen levels to spike and alcohol can also cause certain toxins to damage your DNA and certain bodily proteins over time.
PRO: Cultivates Euphoric Feelings
GiphyIf you find yourself feeling more euphoric while you’re enjoying a drink, it’s not all up in your head. Although, for the more part, alcohol is considered to be a depressant, when consumed in small amounts, it can provide a stimulant effect. This happens due to the fact that when you first start to consume alcohol, it causes the production of the feel-good hormone known as dopamine to increase — and since dopamine makes us all feel more relaxed and confident while heightening our senses of pleasure too…well, there you have it.
CON: May Increase Anxiety/Depression
GiphyAs they say, “what goes up, most come down” at some point — and that is what you have to be careful of when it comes to alcohol consumption. For instance, when you drink alcohol, although it tends to initially cause your dopamine levels to uptick, because it is a temporary bodily response, sometimes the dips are lower than the rises…and that is when anxiety starts to kick in. A similar point is made with depression because oftentimes, people with depression-related symptoms, will use alcohol as a way to deflect from what’s really going on with them — and that can make them feel even worse than ever once the buzz of alcohol starts to wear off.
PRO: Has Some Heart-Related Benefits
GiphyWhen it comes to your heart, there are interesting findings surrounding its relationship to alcohol. For instance, some research states that, so long as the consumption is moderate, alcohol can actually help to increase the good cholesterol in your system while also breaking down proteins that can potentially lead to blood clots; both of these factors alone can reduce your chances of dying from heart disease.
CON: Packs on Pounds
GiphyIt’s no secret that alcohol tends to contain quite a few calories. That’s why, it’s not uncommon for people who’ve lost weight to mention “I’ve stopped drinking” as one of the causes for the shed pounds. That’s not to say that there aren’t some alcoholic beverages that have less calories than others including vodka (133 calories per serving), white wine (148 calories per serving) and tequila (99 calories per shot). Just keep in mind that the more you drink, the more calories get into your system and the more weight you stand to gain.
PRO: Lowers Inhibitions
GiphyAlthough you really should only be uninhibited around people who you absolutely trust, if that person is your partner and you’re looking to have a pretty — eh hem — active evening, alcohol can certainly help to make that happen. The science of it all is the prefrontal cortex of your brain is what regulates your inhibitions and levels of self-control. Meanwhile, alcohol suppresses your inhibitions which can cause you to be more spontaneous and open to trying things that you might not immediately do if you were sober. And with the right individual, that can be sexually beneficial (emphasis on “right person”).
CON: Makes It Harder to Orgasm
GiphyOn the other hand, as odd as it may seem (in light of what I just said), if you have too much alcohol in your system, it could make climaxing difficult. That’s because orgasms happen, in part, due to your nervous system being stimulated — and since alcohol is technically a depressant…well, it could reduce nerve sensitivity (especially as far as your clitoris goes) for you while making it challenging for your partner to remain erect or have consistent stamina. And yeah, that sucks.
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‘Tis the season. And with that, if some wassails or hot buttered rums are in your immediate future — hey, don’t let me stop you — not even a lil’ bit.
All I’m saying is now that you know what alcoholic drinks have to offer (both ways), you can know exactly how to incorporate them into your holiday plans. Enjoy!
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