
Man, if I could track down the Black woman’s back that I saw about a month ago on somebody’s social media platform, just so you could see what (partially) inspired me to pen this piece, I promise you that I would. Between how toned she was and her completely flawless skin, it reminded me of a conversation that some people and I semi-recently had about one of the most unsung sexiest parts of the male and female body: the back.
I’m not proud of it; “it” being the fact that it really wasn’t until I got into my 40s that I even started to care about my back and its needs — on any level, really. However, now that I am more aware and far more grateful for it, I have become more intentional. And that has, as a direct result, caused me to feel more comfortable and confident in wearing certain items that reveal more of my back than I used to back in the day.
You know, it really is kinda wild that, even though many of us take great measures to keep our butt looking great, it’s like we totally overlook the fact that it’s hard for folks to notice it without seeing our back in the process. So, for cosmetic and health-related reasons, if you know that you’ve been neglecting that part of you, here are 15 things that you can do to bring some (more) sexiness (and comfortability) to that particular area of your body.
Starting and ending with two Black sistahs who can serve as some firsthand inspiration and motivation. #SALUTE
@shygirlfit We not skipping back day 🦾💚 #fittok #blackgirlworkouts #backdayworkouts #fyp
1. Invest in a Back Washer and a Back Roller

Getty Images
If any of you are considering taking a yoga class (or staying in one), let back care be a huge motivator. Boy, no matter how often I am told that I don’t look my age, if there’s one thing that will confirm that I’ve earned each and every year, it’s my decline in flexibility — and yes, that makes giving my back the kind of thorough skincare that it needs pretty challenging.
Something that has helped immensely is investing in tools that are specifically designed to reach my back. One is an exfoliating back washer (like this one here), and the other is a back roller that’s designed to apply different skin products (like this one here). Both have made the previous stress and strain of trying to reach all areas of my back a total thing of the past. Both are also some of the best self-care decisions that I have ever made.
2. Apply Oil-Free Products

Getty Images
You’ve probably heard before that pimples are (typically) the result of an overproduction of sebum (an oily substance that your glands naturally produce in order to keep your skin moisturized) that will sometimes mix with bacteria and dead skin cells and clog up your pores. Since it can be somewhat easy to neglect your back, this is where the term “bacne” — back acne — comes from. If you naturally have oily skin or you don’t want to add to the sebum issue on your back, try and go with skincare products that are either oil-free or water-based. Byrdie has a list of oil-free washes here. Allure has a list of water-based moisturizers here.
3. Try Some Pimple Patches

Getty Images
I can’t believe at my age that I’m still dealing with period pimples (check out “7 Natural Remedies For Hormonal Acne”), yet…here we are. And although I will be the first one to say that I was skeptical about pimple patches, if you’ve got a whitehead or a bump that seems to be full of pus or water, those suckers really do work (Mighty Patch is the brand that I personally use). They really will suck the gunk out, and you really will see a cloudy circle on your patch where the hydrocolloid has turned it all into a gel-like substance so that you see less inflammation and you’re less tempted to pick.
I’m saying all of this to say that if you’ve got a hot date coming up and there’s a zit on your back that you need to dissolve ASAP, so long as it’s not a blind pimple, a pimple patch (if you leave it on for 6-8 hours or so) can do wonders! No joke.
4. And/Or Some Salicylic Acid Pads

Getty Images
While we’re on the topic, something else that can help with not only pimples but callouses, corns, dandruff, and even psoriasis is salicylic acid. It’s a type of acid that’s designed to exfoliate the skin pretty effectively. As a bonus, it contains anti-inflammatory properties, too. Something that I really like about salicylic acid is it not only works at clearing up breakouts faster, it can also help to keep them from forming in the first place.
So, you definitely should have some of these skin pads in your arsenal — for your back, your face, and that corn that may be on one of your pinky toes (just sayin’).
5. Consider a Chemical Peel for Any Post-Inflammatory Hyperpigmentation (PIH)

Getty Images
I’ve been doing at-home chemical peels for a hot minute now. I’ll be sharing my experience with them in another piece. For now, what I will say is learning that there is a significant difference between actual acne scars and what is known in the expert skincare world as post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation has been a real game-changer for me.
Long story short, while an acne scar tends to do long-term damage to your skin (sometimes to the point where only a dermatologist can help), post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation is the dark spots that are oftentimes left behind once a pimple goes away. Once I learned this, the approach to my skin has been a bit different — and yes, chemical peels have become a big part of that. That’s because, now that I know that I’m looking to even my skin tone and not actually alter the structure of my skin, chemical peels have helped to accomplish my actual goal, not just on my back but anywhere a dark spot (usually from a pimple) pops up.
I can’t speak for every company; however, I will tell you who I’ve been rolling with: it’s called Perfect Image. They’ve got peels at different concentration levels (start at 10 percent and build up; 30 and especially 50 percent are where the big kids play), their products are affordable, and I’ve seen some real changes in the appearance of my skin since I’ve been using them. Anyway, just something else to keep in mind if you want a clear-looking back…including when it comes to the evenness of its complexion.
6. Make Sure Your Bras Fit

Getty Images
Although it continues to be somewhat of a debatable topic, there is more and more data that is being released about the fact that, on some levels, it can actually be more beneficial to go without wearing a bra (and most certainly without wearing one all of the time). Still, if you’re someone who prefers the extra lift that they provide, please make sure that your bras fit well. It’s a fair thing to mention since it still appears to be that almost 80 percent of women are continuing to wear the wrong size (women are also keeping bras for too long; you should be getting 4-6 new ones on an ANNUAL basis).
Why does this matter when it comes to your back? Well, remember the zits that I need pimple patches for? Usually, they come from either my bra straps or the back parts of my bra — and the more that your bra is digging into your skin, the more likely those pores are going to clog up and wreak total havoc on your skin.
7. Get a “Back Facial” Once a Season

Getty Images
Even with all of the things that you can do at home to keep your back looking lovely, nothing beats the support of a professional aesthetician. My waxer happens to be a licensed one, and when I shared with her some of my personal back concerns, she recommended that I get a professional back facial once a season (four times a year) — and it has made all of the difference in the world. She exfoliates, removes blackheads, applies a chemical peel, massages, and deeply moisturizes it. I can always see and feel the difference, for weeks later, after getting a back facial. It’s always been a wise move.
8. Watch Your Hair

Getty Images
The sebum that comes from your scalp is designed to trickle down your hair shaft; that way, your hair is able to remain soft and moisturized. Due to the super curly texture that a lot of us have, oftentimes, we have to replenish the moisture that our strands do not receive by applying a variety of hair products. Well, when you wear your hair down (and it’s got some length to it), all of that stuff on your strands can get onto your back and start to clog up your pores.
Not only that, but if you wear long extensions (including braids or twists that require extensions), the friction from the hair can irritate the skin that’s on your back as well. That’s why you should try to wear your hair up as much as you do down and definitely give your back some extra TLC on the “wear it down” days — just to be on the safe side.
9. Get Some Dumbbells

Getty Images
Now that we’ve got a lot of cosmetic points about your back out of the way, let’s talk about why I started and ended this article off with a video of a Black woman whose back is truly sexy AF. Y’all, there is no way around the fact that a huge part of what makes their backs look the way that they do is that they partake in a regular and consistent exercise routine. And the reason why getting some dumbbells to work out with is a good idea is that they are a convenient form of exercise equipment that can help you to strengthen your heart, further develop your balance and coordination, gain muscle, and lose weight. So, if you want to tone your back, cop yourself two of ‘em.
As far as what size/weight to get, Women’s Health has an article that can guide you here. And when it comes to the kind of exercises that you should do with your dumbbells that will help you to target your back, even from the comfort and convenience of your own home, I found some helpful YouTube videos (that feature women) here, here, and here.
10. Focus on Your Core

Getty Images
People who have a six-pack don’t just look great in a bathing suit; they are also doing certain exercises that support their lower back. I know this because working on your abs means that you’re strengthening the core of your body — and that always helps your spine to remain nice and strong. I found a brotha on YouTube who has a beginner’s video for working on ab muscles; you can check it out here.
11. Master a Few Different Yoga Positions

Getty Images
You can read articles on our site like “The Unexpected Lessons Yoga Taught Me About Life,” “5 Best Yoga Poses For An Emotional Release,” “I Took A Yoga Class & Proved To Myself That Yoga Is For Plus-Sized Women Too,” “The 5 Yoga Poses That Will Improve Your Sex Life,” and “7 Yoga Stretches To Relieve Your Lower Back Tension” to get a feel for how much of a yoga fan that we are in this space.
Well, when it comes to your back, specifically, yoga reduces tension, increases flexibility, tones, improves breathing, and strengthens your core. Positions that will help to accomplish all of this? The Cobra. The Cat-Cow. The Bridge. The Half Lord of the Fishes. And the always popular Downward-Facing Dog.
12. Avoid Inflammatory Foods

Getty Images
I recently read an article that said, “All processed foods can cause inflammation.” And while all inflammation is not bad, when it’s at excessive levels, it can contribute to all sorts of health issues, including diabetes, obesity, and depression. Inflammation can also lead to back discomfort. That’s why it’s important to exercise, be super picky about what mattress you choose, and pay attention to your diet because there are certain foods that will trigger more inflammation in your system than you need.
Some of those include “white foods” like white rice, pasta, and bread, an excessive amount of red meat, sugary foods, soda, and (a certain amount of) dairy.
13. Take a Glucosamine Supplement

Getty Images
Something that tends to fade over time (meaning, as we age) is cartilage. Since it’s the type of elastic tissue that supports our joints and our spine, this is definitely something that we should proactively care about. A supplement that can assist in this area is glucosamine. If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s a substance that’s a natural building block for the cartilage that is already in your system.
Since it can also help with reducing inflammation, treating glaucoma, and even helping to relieve the symptoms that are directly associated with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), you should discuss with your doctor if it’s something that you should add to your healthcare regimen. It could be just what your back has been looking/waiting for.
14. Keep Your Sheets Clean

Getty Images
You would think that this one would go without saying, yet after reading an article that said that people, on average, only change their bed sheets every three weeks or so (what in the world?!) — listen, you shed way too many dead skin cells and sweat (and possibly have sex) too much throughout the night to not be putting new bedding down on a weekly basis — not just for obvious hygienic reasons but to keep your skin great-looking too.
While we’re on the topic, make sure that you wash with the kind of detergent that is gentle on your skin. Some people are so busy looking for something that smells spring fresh all week long that they don’t realize it’s the direct cause of their itchy and irritated skin.
15. Sleep “Right”

Getty Images
Posture is always gonna be important. Full stop. Yet if a part of the reason why it’s hard for you to keep your back the way it’s supposed to be is that you’ve got lower back discomfort going on, it could be due to the fact that you’re not sleeping in a way that best supports that particular part of your body.
If you want to “align your spine,” many health experts say that it’s best to sleep on your back, sleep on your side with a pillow in between your knees, or get into the ever-so-comfortable fetal position. If you apply this gem (along with the other back-themed tips), you and your back will be walking more in agreement than ever. Pardon the pun but…straight up. #wink
@kerendesir sexyback no JT #backgainz #gymtiktok #gymgirlsoftiktok #blackgirlfitness #foryoupage #fyp #doritosduetroulette #upperbodyworkout #blackwomentiktok #girlswholift #musclemommy
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Peter Griffith/Getty Images
Your December 2025 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Surrender & Alignment
December is about letting go. We end the year with the need for more peace, reflection, and rejuvenation, and that is exactly what December is providing for us. The Sun is in Sagittarius, and anything is possible. This is the month to believe in that and to know that the universe is supporting you. With a Supermoon in Gemini as we begin the month as well, we have an opportunity to gain the closure we have been looking for this year and to wrap up old projects, ideas, and communication breakthroughs.
This is the month to make your peace the priority and let go of trying to control the way the tides are turning. Trust in your new beginning, and give yourself time to prepare for it this month.
A big part of the clarity that is coming through this month is due to Neptune going direct in Pisces on December 10, after being retrograde here since July. With Neptune now direct, we are able to see our inspiration and creativity a little more clearly, providing the perfect energy for dreams and manifestation to be built upon. The smoke is clearing, and it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this newfound clarity that this transit is bringing. Mercury also moves back into Sagittarius on December 11, which is great for communication and clarity, and the adventures you were trying to see through at the beginning of November come around for you again with greater purpose and support.
On December 15, Mars enters Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and this is the extra push we need to make important changes and to be on the path towards greater abundance, stability, and prosperity. Mars in Capricorn takes care of business, and we have extra energy at our disposal during this time to do so. This transit is an ideal time to focus on your career or financial goals for next year and to start putting some of these plans into motion now. A few days later, we have the New Moon of the month, which will be in Sagittarius on December 19, and this is the perfect New Moon to manifest.
The energy is high, magic is in the air, and it’s all about moving forward with the new beginnings that are inspiring you and bringing you joy to think about right now.
Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21, and this earth sign energy is how we heal, gain closure, and build new foundations in our world. With Venus also moving into a Capricorn a few days later, there is something about peace, prosperity, and security that we are gaining in life and in love as we close out the year, and this is what we need right now. This month is about reflecting on what was, letting go of old hurt, and renewing. December is an ending and a new beginning in one, and there is magic in this space to be created.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December 2025 has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is a full-circle moment for you, Aries. You are seeing the gifts in your world and have a lot of gratitude for the way things have come about for you as of late. There are culminations in your world that are providing you with more abundance, stability, and community, and you are exactly where you are meant to be this month. With the Sun in a fellow fire sign and in your 9th house of travel for most of the month, December is a good time to get out of your comfort zone, explore the world around you, and get your body moving.
Mars, your ruling planet, also makes a change and moves into Capricorn on December 15, which will fuel your inspiration and power in your career space. You are making a lot of professional progress as we close out the year; however, make sure to be more mindful of your competitive drive right now. The New Moon on December 19 is the perfect opportunity for you to create some new plans and goals when it comes to traveling, education, and where you want to gain some new inspiration in your world. Overall, this is a month of things coming together for you serendipitously.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
December is about trusting your intuition, Taurus. You have a lot on your mind this month, and it’s best to delegate, communicate, and allow yourself some relief by opening up to someone and not feeling like you have to hold everything in. As we begin the month, we have a Supermoon in Gemini happening in your house of income, and the plans and projects you have been building here come to fruition for you now. This is the time to gain clarity on your financial world and to take a look at what spending habits you want to let go of here as well.
With Venus in your 8th house of shared resources for most of the month, you are doing a cleanse on your commitments, partnerships, and business ventures. You are taking a look at what you want to dedicate yourself to in the future, and what commitments you may need to let go of now in order to be in the space you truly want to be, both financially and within some of your relationship dynamics. Before we end the month, we have a New Moon in this same area of your chart, and it’s time to look at the opportunities that are presenting themselves and to trust your internal guidance system to lead you forward.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
You are moving forward fearlessly this month, Gemini. December is your month of love, passion, and dignity, and you are owning the light that you shine. We begin the month with the last Supermoon of the year, happening in your sign, and you are stepping up to the plate. You are showing up, owning how much you have grown this year, and allowing yourself to heal while also acknowledging that you have done your best and you deserve to have fun in the midst of the changes you are creating.
Mercury, your ruling planet, is officially out of retrograde, and you can use this energy to the fullest potential now. With Mercury in your 7th house of love, it’s time to speak from the heart and to talk about the things that matter and that are inspiring you right now to your loved ones. You never know what kind of epiphanies you may have when you open up the conversation to others. Before the month ends, you have a New Moon in this same love area of your chart, and this New Moon is all about manifesting romance, commitment, and abundance in your world.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
December is an opening for more love, more joy, and more freedom in your life, Cancer. You have come to a place where you hold so much gratitude in your heart for where you are today and where your heart is shining, and things come together for you with more ease right now. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines for most of the month, you are getting your ducks in a row while also putting more energy and effort into taking care of yourself, your priorities, and your well-being. This month surprises you in many ways, and it’s because you are showing up.
Mars and Venus both move into your house of love, relationships, marriage, and abundance this month, and you are making strides in your love life. You have both of these opposing forces on your side and are being recognized for the love you are while also receiving the love you want. This month, overall, is about focusing more on the positives in your world and letting your heart have its joy. Before December comes to an end, there is a New Moon in Sagittarius, and this is the perfect opportunity to create the plans you want to see through next year, especially when it comes to your work life, colleagues, business ventures, and health.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
The scales of karma are balancing, and they are balancing in your favor this month, Leo. December is your month of truth, and of seeing it clearly in your world. The Sun is in your house of romance, pleasure, and happiness for most of the month, and it’s time to relax, be in the present moment, and allow what is meant to be, to be. With a Supermoon in your 11th house of manifestation as December begins, this is a powerful month for seeing your dreams come to fruition, and for feeling like the intentions you have set this year are finally here for you now.
Mars also moves into your 6th house mid-month, and this is the perfect energy to have to move into the new year. You have extra energy at your disposal right now and are feeling fearless with what is possible for you and your daily routine. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in a fellow fire sign, Sagittarius, and this is a breakthrough moment for you and your heart. December, overall, wants to show you how loved and supported you are and will be doing so in magical, unexpected, and concrete ways.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a month of victory, Virgo. You are showing up and experiencing some new successes in your world that move you forward on your path in life. With a Supermoon in your 10th house of career as we begin the month, the effort and intentions you have made this year come into full bloom, and you are being recognized for who you are and the good work you have done. This month is all about showing up and allowing yourself to be seen and loved, knowing that you deserve the support and opportunities you are receiving.
Mars moves into Capricorn on December 15, which brings the passion and excitement into your love life, hobbies, and little pleasures in life that light you up. You want to have fun this month and are going to be walking into the new year with this fearless, happy, and spontaneous energy within you. Before the month ends, Venus also enters Capricorn, and in this same area of your chart, you have a lot to look forward to and believe in right now. Overall, December wants you to be happy and will be doing everything possible to make that happen for you. This is your month to shine, Virgo.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
December is a month of opportunity for you, Libra. New doors open, and you are financially making breakthroughs this month because of it. December begins with a Supermoon in your 9th house, and you are getting a clearer view of where you have been making strides in your life and how it has all brought you here to this present moment of freedom. This month is showing you what happens when you are fearless with your purpose and when you believe in yourself and what you are worthy of.
Moving further into December, Mars moves into your 4th house of home and family mid-month, and you are closing out the year in your safe spaces. You are spending more time with your loved ones and taking the time to quiet your mind and listen to what your heart has been telling you. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, happening in an area of your life that deals with communication. This is a great time for getting the answers you have been looking for and for feeling more clear-headed and confident about the decisions you are making as you move into the new year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
Patience is a virtue this month, Scorpio. December is all about remaining patient and vigilant with what you are creating in your world, and knowing that the universe has your back. It’s time to be reminded of the power of hope, and this month is an opening to greater clarity in your life. There is a lot of energy in your financial zones right now, and this is providing you with new opportunities and new insight; however, the speed at which things come about for you may feel daunting. Keep your head up and eyes focused on what you want and know that you are more than worthy of receiving it.
With Mercury in your 2nd house of income this month, December is a good time to plant new seeds and to think about where you want to be financially a month from now or even a year. This month is asking you to think bigger and to think more long-term so that you can set the appropriate plans into motion now. We also have a New Moon in your house of income before the month ends, and this is when you will see more of your dreams come to fruition in this area of your life, and have more opportunities to build. Overall, December will be teaching you a lot, Scorpio.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Sagittarius Season is here, and there is a lot in store for you this month, Sag. December is all about what you are dedicating yourself to. It’s about setting your intentions and putting the work in to back up your dreams, and about getting things in order so that when the new beginnings come, you are ready for them. The Sun and Venus are in your sign for most of this month, and there are a lot of eyes on you right now. You have the potential to create a new beginning for yourself, and it’s time to invest in yourself, your love life, and your dreams.
Mercury moves into Sagittarius on December 11, and this is giving you another opportunity to see through some of the plans that you had initiated in November. Mercury was retrograde in your sign last month, and there may have been some disruptions to your vision and plans for the future, and now this energy is turning around for you. Before the month ends, we also have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and you are walking through new doors fearlessly. You are catching others by surprise by your growth this month, and you are thinking a lot about your purpose, future, and plans for the new year.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
December is all about the vision, Capricorn. You are moving through a lot of changes and transformations this month, yet they are giving you a chance at a new beginning in the process. You are focused more on the future and what goals you want to manifest for yourself right now, and are ready to let go of what hasn’t been working for you. With the Sun in your 12th house of closure for most of December, this is your time for healing, but remember, healing doesn’t have to be isolating or boring; you can thrive while you renew, and you are this month.
Mid-month, the excitement picks up for you, and you are feeling more energized than you have in a while. Mars moves into Capricorn until the end of January 2026, and you are being proactive with your goals, intentions, and passions. You are a force to be reckoned with this month, and you are making things happen for yourself with confidence. Capricorn Season officially begins on December 21 this year, and this is definitely speeding up your healing process. You are breaking free from what was, and with Venus also moving into Capricorn before the month ends, you are leaving this year in high spirits and with love opening a new door for you.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
December is all about community, creativity, and manifestation, Aquarius. This is the month to work together with others to help bring your dreams to life. You are in a space of inspiration, empowerment, and beauty, and are creating more of this energy around you and in your world. Look out for what support comes your way this month and know that you don’t have to do everything alone to succeed. With the Sun in your 11th house of manifestation and friendship, your intentions are coming to fruition, and it’s time to celebrate with the people you love and to own how far you have come this year.
On December 19, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, lighting up your life in all of the best ways possible. This is your New Moon of freedom, victory, and magic, and you are seeing new beginnings appear that you were once just hoping for. Before the month comes to an end, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and after an active and successful month, you are ready to relax, heal, and give your heart some of the attention it has been asking for. You are moving into the new year with the need to release and renew what hasn’t been working in your relationships, and you are finally ready to.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is a big month for you, Pisces. You are making some huge accomplishments this month, and are feeling like everything you have been through this year has been worth it for these moments that are coming to fruition for you now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career and reputation for most of the month, and this is where a lot of your focus is right now. You are claiming your successes and putting yourself out there in ways that not only serve you, but that inspire others as well.
Neptune officially goes direct on December 10, after being retrograde in your sign since July, and you are finally seeing things a little more clearly. You are feeling renewed inspiration and passion in your life, and your intuition is your strongest asset right now. Before December comes to an end, we also have a New Moon in your 10th house of career, and what happens now not only changes things for you in the present, but it also opens new doors and what is possible for you in the new year as well. Overall, you are on top of your game this month and are owning the joy and empowerment you feel.
Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
You're Over Him. Should You Wait Until After The Holidays To Say It?
When a client told me that she was seriously considering ending her relationship of 10 months before Christmas, I wasn’t surprised. That’s not a sneak diss on what she has going on with her man or anything; it’s just that I know that the holiday season (the month of December, more specifically) is a very popular time for folks to call things off. Between the pressure of bringing people around family and the urge to start off the new year with a clean slate — yeah, it makes sense.
At the same time, though, I do think that there is something to be said for ending things well — and when it comes to a break-up? During this time of the year? Before you make that official move, I just want to make sure that you’ve thought a few things through.
Things like what exactly? So glad that you asked.
How Serious Is the Relationship?
GiphyOkay, so if you’ve never heard of the “10-date rule” before, it’s basically the belief that after 10 consecutive dates with someone, it’s time to come to the conclusion that you are officially in a relationship with them. Personally, I have lived, observed and counseled enough people to say that when it comes to knowing where you stand with another person, you shouldn’t assume one damn thing — you should 1000 percent communicate your thoughts and listen to theirs in return.
That said, it is a bit different (wouldn’t you say?) if you’ve been out on a couple of dates with someone vs. if you’ve been with them for almost a year. So yeah, the first thing to ponder is how serious the dynamic is. Because honestly, if things are new and fairly casual, I don’t see how ending things, whether it’s the holiday season or not, is going to matter much — one way or another.
Remember, the holidays tend to be a very emotional time; however, if there isn’t a huge emotional investment going on, I don’t think anyone in a casual situation is going to look back and think that you are a villain (or Grinch), just because you’d prefer not to go on a third date with them. Good lord.
Next point.
Do You Want to Slow Down or End Things Entirely?
GiphyAre you totally over him or is it more like there are some things about the situation that you want to step back and ponder before making any major decisions about the future? If the answer is “B,” I recommend talking it over ASAP; especially if the two of you have been seeing each other for a while at this point. I say this because, whether you all are at the “meet the family” (or have already met the family) stage or not, when people are in a relationship, they tend to factor one another into their holiday plans — and it’s hella inconsiderate to not take this into account when it comes to the guy who you are seeing.
That said, I will say this: It’s mighty interesting that you are choosing this time of the year for this type of relational self-reflection — so, while you’re on this break, think about what it symbolizes.
For instance, are you slowing things down right now because you’re not sure if you want to go into a new year with him or are you doing it because spending the holidays together tends to represent that a relationship is far deeper than you want yours to be right now? Because really, you could’ve gone with the summertime (for example) not the holiday season to make this type of move…so, if your “pump the brakes” time is now, chances are, there is some subconscious subtext going on that you really should get to the root of.
Actual Holidays Are a DEFINITE No-No
GiphyYou would think that this wouldn’t need to be said yet since I once experienced a guy who decided to be a complete a*shole on my birthday some years back — yeah, let’s address it. Isn’t it interesting that one study revealed that during the first week of December, searches for how to break-up with someone go up by a whopping 60 percent? Then, if you add to that the fact that the holidays can sometimes be pretty stressful — well, while most folks with a heart and a conscience wouldn’t dream of breaking up with someone on an actual holiday, sometimes the pressure of everything can create the perfect storm for it to happen anyway.
That said, a super-duper throwback song by Neil Sedaka entitled, “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do” — and it absolutely is. Know what makes it worse: It happening on a holiday, so that every time the day rolls around, it’s bittersweet because you remember that someone broke up with you then.
Listen, just because you may not love or even like someone (in that way) anymore, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t treat them with some common decency and respect. Besides, don’t you also want your own Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day to be as unscathed and drama-less as possible?
Whatever you’re gonna do, you’re grown, chile. If you want my advice, though — put good energy into your future holiday seasons and avoid breaking up (or even having deep decisions) on actual holidays.
Definitely Keep the Golden Rule in Mind
GiphyProbably, until the end of time, there are going to be debates about whether karma is real (in the sense of it being scientifically proven). While quite a bit of data says that it isn’t and that it tends to be adapted and promoted by certain faiths more than anything — if you do believe that you reap what you sow (Galatians 6:7-8), at the end of the day, that is pretty much what karma is all about and, as I oftentimes say, karma (or sowing and reaping) don’t have expiration dates. In other words, what you have said and done can manifest in ways and at times that you never saw coming. A cautionary tale, indeed.
So yeah — even if you’ve been with ole’ boy for a while now, you’ve tried to make it work and you just don’t see a future for the two of you anymore, however you decide to end it, definitely keep the golden rule of doing unto others as you would want them to do unto you in mind.
Be as kind as you are honest. Be as empathetic (putting yourself in his shoes) as much as you possibly can. Avoid gaslighting him about how he feels about your decision. Be clear about how you’d like things to be moving forward (for instance, if you actually DON’T want to be friends afterwards, there’s no need to say it). And try not to do anything that will make him feel used — like waiting until after receiving a Christmas gift to end it (you’d be amazed by how many people do exactly that. SMDH).
The thing about break-ups is, live long enough, and you’re probably going to be on the giving and receiving end of one. So, even if you’re not really emotionally invested in your relationship anymore, be kind to your future self and be as respectful as possible throughout your…relational transition. Because even if you don’t feel like he deserves it, your feelings up the road, with someone else who may do the same thing to you…absolutely do.
Timing Is Everything
GiphyA bishop by the name of Fulton J. Sheen once said, “Patience is power. Patience is not an absence of action; rather it is ‘timing’ it waits on the right time to act, for the right principles and in the right way.” And while it might seem really challenging to figure out when the RIGHT time to break up with someone is — “right” is about using good judgment, right is about conforming to certain principles (like integrity and fairness), right is about doing things in order. Now with that in mind, is the RIGHT TIMING now or should it be later?
Only you can really answer that yet what I will say is if your mind, body and spirit aren’t on the same page — figure out why before making any moves. Oh, and if it’s simply about fear — girl, whether it’s November 30, December 9 or January 14…break-ups are always going to be uncomfortable. It’s about knowing what’s best for you and then ending things in a way that is as respectful, timing-wise, as possible (again, due to the whole karma thing).
____
‘Tis the season and sometimes “out with the old” means leaving a relationship behind. Just make sure that you move with wisdom and discernment and not hypersensitivity and knee-jerking.
That way, you can look back on every holiday season with as little regret as possible.
Due to how you handled things. Including a (potential) break-up.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock









