Something that I know is no good for me is cheese. You can just Google all of the reasons why dairy isn't the best thing for our bodies; one of them is the fact that it tends to create mucus. Even though I know that I need to leave it alone, even though I have tried some alternatives that are semi-impressive, I'm not intentional enough about avoiding cheese. If I want a slice—or three—of pizza, far too often, I'll take on the mindset that I'll eat it now and deal with the consequences later.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that's how a lot of us are when it comes to stress, anger or fear. Not that we like being stressed out, mad or fearful but, even though we know that there are certain things that we can do to avoid the circumstances that cause us to feel that way, we don't take the required proactive measures. We'll let stress, anger and fear infiltrate our lives and simply…deal with the consequences as they come.
Hopefully, one day, I'll pen a piece about the things we all can—and should—do to avoid situations that trigger these kinds of emotions altogether. But for now, if something is going on in your world that has you totally stressed out, mad as hell or scared to death right now, here is how you can make those very feelings work for, rather than against, you.
Stress
Stress kills. Not metaphorically, literally. Heart disease, asthma, diabetes, headaches and depression are all associated with stress; so is premature death. According to The American Institute of Stress, some of the signs and symptoms of stress include teeth grinding, sweaty hands and feet, feeling overwhelmed, insomnia, fatigue, constant use of OTC medication, impulsive shopping—by the way, there are 43 other things on their list too! What's unfortunate is, a lot of us are so used to being stressed out, that we don't even recognize that these kinds of symptoms are actually alerting us to the fact that something is way out of balance; that some order needs to be restored to our lives.
This is why it's a good idea to know how to chill out sometimes. If, whenever you do, you discover that you feel worse instead of better (even if it's only initially), that could be an indication that you've been ignoring your body and either you should pamper yourself, see a physician or both. So, in a weird way, this is one of the ways to make stress work in your favor. If you're always having headaches or on an emotional roller coaster ride, rather than popping an Advil or chalking it up to it being a random mood swing, slow down and listen to what your body truly needs.
There are other ways to let stress work in your favor too. Say that you're stressed because you put a project off until the last minute. Come to think of it, you're always stressed at work because you are the queen of procrastination. Use stress as a reason to create a schedule, implement short- and long-term goals and, even get an accountability partner who will keep you on track, if need be. If you finesse it right, stress can be an incentive to put your life in order.
Another way that stress can work for you is…say that you are in a relationship and you are always stressed out because of it. Did you know that when your cortisol levels (your body's natural stress hormone) are high, oxytocin is one way to bring it back down? Kissing, hugging, cuddling and sho' nuf some sex are all ways to boost your oxytocin (a natural hormone that makes you feel good and relaxes you) and can bring you closer to your partner as a direct result. Yep, in a roundabout way, stress can be bonding agent.
One more thing worth noting about stress is, when you know better, you do better. Some medical professionals and therapists alike believe that stress can help you when it comes to making wiser future decisions. By choosing to handle stressful matters and not run from them, it makes you a more resilient individual; not only that, but it stretches the "calm under pressure" mental muscle that probably wouldn't receive any attention any other way.
So yeah, stress sucks. But, with the right approach, it can also teach you how to properly prioritize, how to make yourself a top priority and also, how to deal with drama—or just regular life stuff—as it comes, in an effective and methodical kind of way.
Anger
There's nothing wrong with anger. Even Psalm 4:4 (NKJV) says, "Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed and be still. Selah." Be angry (cool). Don't let anger control your actions (not cool). To me, every feeling is like an emotional thermostat in the sense that, it is alerting us to when something is right—or not right. When it comes to anger specifically, a definition of the word reminds me that it is oftentimes rooted in perception—"a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire". Anger is typically about feeling displeased because you feel like someone wronged you or because you witnessed someone being wronged.
If you look at anger from this angle, whenever you feel this type of emotion, it's important to take a moment to process if a wrong (offense) actually has transpired or if you simply don't like something. For the record, they are not one and the same. I say that because I can't tell you how many times I got upset with another person, not so much because what they did was "wrong", but because they handled something in a particular matter (sometimes even with me) in a way that I never would. That means I didn't really need to be angry; I needed to be disappointed. On the other hand, when something like Eric Garner's killer getting off is brought to my attention? That is dead wrong, and I have every right to be angry. Still, I need to watch how I handle my anger.
To me, that's the first thing that anger is good for. What I mean by that is, if you are able to discipline yourself enough to process it without popping off—in word or deed, online or off—it can help you to master self-control and monitor your impulsivity.
To me, the other thing that anger can do is put a fire in you to end toxicity. If you're angry at work all of the time, are you putting a plan together to get another job? If you're always angry in a relationship, are you deactivating triggers? Better yet, is it one that you should remain in?
Anger is not a bad thing. It is an alarm and reminder to not be passive. If something is resulting in you becoming angry, changes need to be made. Make them.
Fear
You've probably heard fear being broken down as an acronym—False Evidence Appearing Real. That's pretty insightful. Not 100 percent always the case, but insightful still. I will say that what that mental approach to fear makes me think about is creating problems, issues or drama, based on your own overthinking more than anything else; you know, getting so worried to the point of becoming fear-filled that something is going to happen that hasn't even happened yet—and probably won't. I say that because there are many studies supporting that 85 percent of what we worry about doesn't ever happen; the other 15 percent, we are able to handle when it does.
That's comforting to hear, but what if you know that you're not the best at initially processing the other 15 percent either? Good question. It kind of depends on what you're fearful about. If you're scared that you won't be able to make the rent this month, is it because you lost your job, you've got a roommate who hits-or-misses with their portion of it or because you misspend? By just taking a moment to sit down and process what is triggering the fear, that can inspire you to make some different life choices—speak with your landlord, get a new roommate, put a budget in place.
Or, maybe you're staying in a counterproductive relationship because you're "scared" to be alone. What exactly are you frightened of? Starting over? Not meeting someone new? Your ticking clock? If it's Column A, ask yourself if it's worse to start over or waste your precious time. If it's Column B, maybe it's time to put a vision board, a bucket list or a travel itinerary together. If it's Column C, set a doctor's appointment to get the accurate information about the state of your health and fertility.
Fear likes to feed off of emotions and lack of knowledge. When you're willing to address your fears, they tend to become smaller. You end up with more insight about yourself and your life, as a bonus, too.
One more thing about fear. I hate heights; mere words cannot express just how much! I mean, I'm the girl who, if I get a hotel room that is too high up, I'm going to hyperventilate. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine decided to "treat me" to ziplining for my birthday. They didn't tell me ahead of time and, once I arrived, they kind of pushed my dare button to get me to go through with it. Lawd, lawd, I will never forget those first two lines. I thought I was gonna pass out! But once I got halfway through (there were eight different ones), a lot of the fear that I had subsided. It's still not my favorite thing on the planet to do, but I would do it again and my acrophobia (fear of heights) is not nearly as intense as it used to be.
Fear is a bully. Conquering it makes it so much less of a threat in your life. So yeah, let's close this article out this way. The way to make fear work in your favor is keeping in mind that it oftentimes is rooted in ignorance or vulnerability. The more you are willing to face rather than run from your fear, the more self-aware and stronger you become. As a result, you are willing to take more risks, try more things and live more fully. If you let it, fear can actually be what drives you; not stifles you.
Of course, all of these emotions are a bit more layered and complex than I got into. But I do hope that now you are able to better see why stress, anger and/or fear is not your enemy. With the right approach, each can be used to make you more of the woman you actually want to become. They can make you thank them, not avoid them.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily
Quick & Easy Self-Esteem Hacks That Will Have You Feeling Yourself
The Empath's Guide To An Emotionally-Balanced Life
Stressed Out? Here Are 10 Steps Towards Immediate Calm & Tranquility
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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