In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
In 2013, Brittany and Spencer Collins met after crossing paths at random. Six years, four anniversaries, and three children later, this couple is living proof that good things come in unexpected packages. Their love story began after Brittany's former employer was assigned to her future husband's route. "He was delivering packages to my old job and I thought he was so freaking cute!" the 27-year-old mother-of-three explained. "I used to hope for a package daily just to hear him say, 'Can you sign for me?' and 'How's your day going?' I enjoyed any little conversation we had. I had a legit crush on him! I felt like I was in middle school waiting to switch classes just to see him in the hall."
Over time, Brittany and Spencer's small talk led to big energy and the couple discovered that their attraction to one another was mutual. "She gave me butterflies!" Spencer gushed. "When I first saw her smile at me, I was instantly intrigued and wanted to get to know her more."
While Brittany and Spencer's life of melanin matrimony may appear effortless, this couple is here to let you know there is assembly required when it comes to making a marriage work. In this month's segment of Our First Year, we chatted with them about how they met, falling in love, and why communication is a must in their marriage.
Here's what we learned:
The One
Brittany: This might sound a little cliche, but I knew [he was the one] right away. We went on our first official date and on the way home I wanted to go straight to the courthouse. Our vibes were so in sync from day one. I knew that marriage was the next step when he didn't run off after meeting my dad. Any man that is willing to respectfully stand up to a man who, at the time wouldn't shake his hand. But he knew it was important to me and was willing to go through the fire for me. He got to sit down with my dad one-on-one and then I knew he was my husband!
Spencer: We hit it off right away. It was like we had already been dating---how we finished each other's sentences and thoughts. She gave me that feeling that I've never felt with anyone else. I knew we would get married after our first date. We went to a concert in D.C. and on the ride home I opened about my feelings about her and how she made me feel. It was the moment I felt we both really connected and were on the same page. I knew right then that marriage was in our future. I just didn't know when.
"I knew we would get married after our first date. We went to a concert in D.C. and on the ride home I opened about my feelings about her and how she made me feel. It was the moment I felt we both really connected and were on the same page. I knew right then that marriage was in our future. I just didn't know when."
Overcoming Fears In Marriage
Brittany: [I had a] fear of divorce/failure. We took the option off the table. We promised to always communicate and never stop trying.
Spencer: [My fear was] not being the husband that God intended me to be. I prayed about my fears and communicated with her about them. We both had the same concerns/fears so talking about them made me feel at ease.
Baggage Claim
Brittany: I had some serious trust issues at the time. Feeling like I couldn't do things on my own. I really had to look at myself even before considering dating anyone. I had to trust myself with making the right decisions for my life and know that if I picked the right person, they won't make me worry so I have to be secure with myself first; acknowledging that was the first part. Then, taking time to step away from the outside world and noise to really enjoy time and get to know myself. I had to find that it's OK to let someone take care of you without feeling crippled and it's OK to put on the belt to help the pants stay on as well without belittling him. It is a slippery slope but that is where communication comes in.
Whenever we are going through a rough patch, we set aside one day of the week to talk and have completely open floor conversations about things the other is doing right, wrong, or things we want to change or work on. We really open the floor for anything. Just to have that uninterrupted time together has helped with overcoming though hills in our marriage.
Spencer: Individually, I had to learn to take myself out of the equation at times and see things from her perspective. A lot of times I would harbor feelings instead of expressing them. It's hard for another person to understand you if you don't express those issues. Once I talked to her about it, I would feel 10 times better about it. We would set a certain day out the week to just talk about anything we had on our minds with no judgment!
Courtesy of Brittany Collins
"Whenever we are going through a rough patch, we set aside one day of the week to talk and have completely open floor conversations about things the other is doing right, wrong, or things we want to change or work on. We really open the floor for anything. Just to have that uninterrupted time together has helped with overcoming though hills in our marriage."
Love Languages
Brittany: I read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lastsbook before meeting him so I was very aware of what my languages were, which definitely helped in our relationship. We took the test together once married and discussed expectations. We keep the results for if ever we need a reminder.
Spencer: I never knew about love languages before we met so it was a whole new different area for me to navigate. She had to remind me a few times, so it did take some time to become aware and translate it in our marriage.
Important Lessons In Marriage
Brittany: You have to make the choice to put your pride to the side, whether right or wrong, and listen to understand, compromise and concur. I had to shut my mouth and create a plan versus get upset and say, "You are on your own." Teamwork is the key factor.
Spencer: Learn to listen instead of going back and forth about concerns. It was tough in the beginning because we're still trying to understand the dos and don'ts. Just taking time to talk to one another and set up a plan for what will make things better for each other.
Courtesy of Brittany Collins
"You have to make the choice to put your pride to the side, whether right or wrong, and listen to understand, compromise and concur."
Overcoming Challenges
Brittany: Communicating and compromising are key when sharing spaces. We lived together prior to getting married with very little stuff so that helped the transition. As far as finances, we had to make the choice to give the responsibility to the person that was better with numbers. We sat down and did the overall budget together but generally, I am responsible for keeping that in line.
Spencer: It was challenging at times, me going from having my own space to becoming a father figure. I was used to certain spending habits that I had to compromise [on]. She has always been great with money so learning from her habits helped me work on mine. Communicating with each other about our concerns about one another was key.
The Best Part
Brittany: I love how he remains calm and is very supportive. He has a very chill spirit that complements my personality. Whenever I have an idea, he is on board immediately---he supports and trusts my decision. He has a lot of faith in me, and I love that about him.
Spencer: I love how she is very goal-oriented. When she sets her mind on something, she gives 110%. She is very creative and crafty, and she values family and God.
Best Advice
Brittany: Keep God first in your marriage and communication even in tough situations. I would not suggest telling anyone every little thing in your marriage. Choose wisely who you confide in and what you are telling. You never know who is rooting for your downfall, who is hanging up with you to phone a friend, or who is giving you the wrong advice. Also, what you tell people while you are upset or venting you will get over, but they may never forget. If you choose to confide in someone, keep that one person at max.
Spencer: It's all teamwork at the end of the day. One person can't do it all in a marriage or relationship. Put God first and have good communication with one another. I feel that when it comes to your marriage, some topics should be handled in-house. Not everyone is in it for your best interests.
"It's all teamwork at the end of the day. One person can't do it all in a marriage or relationship. Put God first and have good communication with one another. I feel that when it comes to your marriage, some topics should be handled in-house. Not everyone is in it for your best interests."
Building Together
Brittany: Creating memories and a good financial foundation for our children to start on is our primary goal. Love and friendship are the roots of our foundation. My goals will create extra income and allow more free time to take trips and see the world with my family.
Spencer: Being financially stable would be our common goal. Being able to support our family while still enjoying life [is also important]. Establishing a friendship first has always been our foundation. Doing my part to communicate with her regarding the budget---those things are needed in the home.
For more Brittany & Spencer, follow them on Instagram @spenceandbritt!
Featured image courtesy of Brittany Collins.
RELATED
And, as I oftentimes say, when you’ve been raised around dysfunction, you tend to do what’s familiar instead of what is actually right — right means what’s good for you, what’s rooted in facts and truth, what’s appropriate, what’s most favorable (beneficial) and what will keep you in solid holistic health.
For something or someone to be safe, they need to, as much as possible, be proactively intentional about keeping you from “harm, injury, danger or risk;” they need to be dependable and trustworthy; they need to (synonyms for "safe") protect you, cherish you, keep you out of danger, shield you, leave you undamaged, uninjured and unhurt. Yeah, to do safe things and be among safe people? That is more than a notion.
As far as romantic relationships, in general, go, check out “This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship” when you get a sec. Today, though, let’s talk about what safe sex is all about — because if you think that it only consists of using a condom (which, unfortunately, most folks are failing miserably at even that these days — SMDH), words cannot express how much culture and society have failed you.
Safe sex actually has billions of layers. Over the course of a few moments, I will attempt to merely scratch the surface.
Physically
GiphySo let’s address the most obvious point first: your body. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that whenever you hear the phrase “safe sex,” what immediately comes to mind is birth control, more specifically, bringing a condom into the mix. I mean, to a certain extent, that should be the case because condoms help to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STIs/STDs. And you know what? What’s sad about even this is that even though condoms continue to be one of the most reliable forms of protection,only one-third of men and one-fourth of women actually use them — and even then, not consistently so.
And y’all, you can’t tell me that this doesn’t play a role in reportedlythree million unplanned pregnancies, with half of those ending in induced terminations annually. Yes, people, unless you are in a mutually-determined, long-term committed relationship, with some other sort of birth control plan in use (unless you’re currently trying to conceive), WRAP IT UP.
However, physically safe sex also means that you need to be serious about your sexual health in general. For instance, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they got herpes from someone who either never got tested for STIs/STDs or was asymptomatic, so they didn’t test on an annual basis. Or even beyond sexually transmitted infections/diseases, they ignored side effects from oral birth control or symptoms related to urinary tract infections (UTIs), bladder infections, or tissue ruptures from vaginal and/or anal sex, which led to all sorts of unexpected (some major, some not) health-related complications up the road.
Not to mention how many folks — even grown-ass ones — still fail to acknowledge that there is no such thing as consequence-free oral sex, in the sense that you can get STIs/STDs from those, too (I have shared before that I know a guy who got an STD from receiving head not giving it). Yeah, and don’t even get me started on how sex, when you’re on your cycle, can actuallyincrease your chances of getting some type of sexually transmitted infection or disease.
Bottom line on this one, across all lines, as far as your health is concerned, sex is a BIG DEAL. Humans can be made from the act, and no other activity between two people can say the same.
So, if you’re going to engage, you need to get tested before sleeping with a new partner; you need to stay getting tested every 6-12 months (all the while making sure that your partner(s) are doing the same); you need to use condoms at all times (don’t be out here putting it on right before your partner is going to ejaculate either; pre-ejaculate can surprise you…and not always in a good way); you need to know your body so well that you will notice almost immediately if/when something is different is transpiring with your health — and honestly, you need to try and know someone well enough beforehand so that their character indicates that they wouldn’t want to hurt or harm you on the physical tip anyway.
This brings me to the next type of safe sex that needs to be tackled…
Mentally/Emotionally
GiphyI’m willing to bet my next writing paycheck that if we were to ask every person on this planet who’s had sex with at least three people in their lifetime if they’ve ever been (or at least felt like they’ve been) mentally or emotionally manipulated into copulation, they would say “yes” without hesitation — not just women, men too because the reality is that if you’re using sex as a tool to get what you want, you are being manipulative, and since manipulation is a form of control and being controlled in a relational dynamic is potentially harmful…manipulation is definitely unsafe (check out “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”).
So, what are some clear signs that someone is amaster manipulator when it comes to a sexual dynamic?
- They gaslight you (cause you to think that your facts and truth about sex aren’t real or are invalid);
- They downplay your feelings, concerns, needs, and/or wants about sex;
- They use guilt or ultimatums to get you to have sex (or a certain kind of sex);
- They make you feel unreasonable for the boundaries and/or principles that you have surrounding sex;
- They give you the silent treatment or cold shoulder if you don’t do what they want (both in and outside of the bedroom);
- They distort the facts about themselves, you, or sex, in general, in order to get their way;
- They start fights when they can’t get their way when it comes to sex.
And hell, that’s just for starters! And before some of y’all want to point your fingers solely at the fellas, let me show you how some of my female married clients manipulate sex: they’re suddenly “in the mood” for it if they did something wrong and they’re trying to find a way to not hold themselves accountable or apologize. As far as how some of my single female clients get down, when they want a particular item, they will offer up sex, hoping that will help them to get it (or get it quicker). Hey, just because these tactics are common, that absolutely does not make them right.
Another way that some people will be mentally/emotionally manipulative with sex is they will “falsely advertise” it. What I mean by that is — say that someone is ready to get engaged or married, and their partner is a bit hesitant because they’re wondering if things will change after jumping the broom. Someone who uses manipulation may offer up a ton of sex to convince their partner that marriage will be complete and utter bliss, only to ration it out after saying, “I do. Happens all of the time.
And here’s the thing about that — as unpopular as it may be to say or hear, not only are you unfaithful to your marriage vows if you promise fidelity and sleep around, you’re also unfaithful if you expect someone to be monogamous when you’re not treating sex as a responsibility in a marriage and aren’t engaging in it (if you’re physically able) on a consistent basis (hey, take it up with Scripture: I Corinthians 7:5).
Oh, I could go on (and on and on) about how much sex is manipulated in relationships. For now, I’ll just leave you with the fact that motive reveals a ton — and if you and/or your partner’s motive in sex is to try and control on some level, that is sho ‘nuf a mental/emotional example of unsafe sex.
Spiritually
GiphyOne of my all-time favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16: “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” Mysteries are revelations. Indeed, there are revelations within the act of sex that are just as profound as the physical experiences that transpire within it. That’s another message for another time, though. Anyway, if you’re not a Bible, Quran, or Torah reader, then I won’t assume you know that holy Scriptures advocate for sex within marriage; those books say that sex was designed specifically for that dynamic and union. Full stop.
However, when I speak of “spiritually safe sex,” I’m (also) coming from the angle of an article that I wrote about four years ago for the platform: “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual,' Anyway?” Even if Scripture is not your basis and blueprint for how you strive to live your life, as I said in the article, spirit oftentimes speaks to one’s soul. The Hebrew word for soul is nephesh, and that is about your life: your desires, your passions, your appetite, your emotions — the things that make you, YOU.
Listen, Scripture says that sex makes two people one (Genesis 2:24-25). Thanks to oxytocin, science says something along those lines as well (becauseit bonds you to people through sex, kissing, and cuddling). Speaking of science, although TikTok ramblers may not want to talk about it, you should definitely check out TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring” sometime (I’ll just leave that right there) — and so yes, you absolutely should factor in that sex has a way of affecting (and, if you don’t choose wisely, infecting) your spirit — your soul…YOURSELF.
So yeah, even outside of what holy books say about sex, it’s wise for all of us to factor in that our spirit is not just about what and who we desire. It’s about whether our appetite is going to throw off our emotional stability; it's about whether our passions are going to negatively impact the course of our life; it's about whether being with someone for a few moments is going to compromise ourselves in a way that is truly not beneficial for us.
And how does all of this shake out in a non-religious-yet-still-super-spiritual kind of way? One of my all-time favorite quotes immediately comes to mind:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
A spiritually safe sexual relationship will never call you to sacrifice (in a codependent way because, by definition, sometimes sacrifices are both necessary and good) your core being or who you are becoming. It will actually do the opposite by helping you to become a better person when it comes to how you handle your emotions, how you regulate your desires and appetites, and how you ultimately choose to live out your life.
Real talk, A LOT of people are in sexually unsafe relationships as far as their spiritual life goes. A part of the reason is because they don’t take the time to ponder, process, and really learn what their spirit is, what it needs, and the signs that a person, place, thing, or idea is ultimately detrimental to/for it. I hope all of what I just said sheds some light when it comes to that…for you.
Personally
GiphyThe word “personal” basically means oneself, which is yourself. Whenever the saying “come to oneself” is said, it pretty much means that someone has come to their senses, and coming to one’s senses is all about thinking rationally and reasonably; it’s about acting from a place of consciousness. It’s about not doing things that are wrong or foolish. Yeah, the word “personal” is a pretty loaded one.
As I close this out, let’s go back to “consciousness” for just a sec. To be conscious is to be self-aware. Some popular traits ofa self-aware individual:
- Being able to manage your emotions
- Actually listening to your conscience
- You don’t talk yourself out of facts and truths (meaning reality)
- You don’t do what you know will cause you or others pain
- You’re kind and empathetic
- You’re not controlling
- You don’t excuse or justify poor choices
- You break habits that no longer serve you
- You are constantly on the path of self-improvement
- You are open to trying new things — even at the cost of releasing the old
Chile, do you see how if you’re involved with someone sexually and these things HONESTLY aren’t happening to and for you, you are in a sexually unsafe situation? No matter how good someone makes you feel, they are ultimately to your detriment (if not immediately, eventually) if they are costing you your self-awareness on all fronts. It’s not worth it…HEAR ME WHEN I YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT YOU NEED TO LET IT…GO. Nothing that costs you self-awareness is safe. NOTHING.
___
Yeah, safe sex definitely has prophylactics involved yet, as you can see, it is about so much more than that. Y’all life is precious, and as the Chinese proverb goes, “It’s later than you think.” Love yourself enough to move in ways that are safe — this includes in the bedroom. Because if the sex ain’t safe, across the board, at the end of the day…it’s really not worth it.
Please don’t learn (or keep learning) this the hard way. Okay?
Y’all stay safe out here. LITERALLY.
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images