You've probably heard someone say that the easiest way to heal from an addiction is to first acknowledge that you have one. That's so true. The problem is, when it comes to something like a "love addiction", it's usually really hard to get past it because it's so difficult to detect in the first place. How can you actually be addicted to love? Even if it's possible, how could that possibly be a bad thing?
Both of these are really good questions. What's important to keep in mind about love addiction is, the people who are caught up in one are usually more in love with the concept of love as it directly relates to whatever images of love and relationships that they've made up in their mind.
It's sort of like the kinds of people who are more obsessed with having a wedding than having a marriage — it's about the fantasies and feelings that come with being in a relationship more than doing the work that's required to sustain it. Like most addictions, no one really wants to face that they could actually be a love addict. BUT, if after reading this, you can relate to half or more of these points, it's time to face the truth that you very well might be one.
Accepting this fact is the first step towards no longer obsessing over fantasies so that you can experience the truth, the work, the self-awareness, and personal accountability that's required to make a real love relationship work — and last. Here are 6 subtle signs that you may just be a love addict:
6 Signs You're Addicted To Love
1.You "Fall in Love" VERY Quickly.
C'mon now. How is it that you just met someone two weeks ago and you're already in love? More than that, how is it that you've been able to do this four times in a row?
Albert Einstein said one of my favorite quotes on love — "Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." It's a reminder that no matter what these wack reality television shows portray or how many celebrities rotate relationships on a weekly basis, love is more of a choice than it is a feeling. And to be able to make a wise choice, you need to take out the time to get to really know someone.
And no, you don't really and truly know someone in a month. You can be attracted but not truly in love. Is there anyone that thinks what I just said is ridiculous? Well, you're already showing signs of being a love addict.
2."Needy" Is a Word Men Often Use to Describe You.
Being needy is not the same thing as having needs. There's no point in being in a relationship with someone if they're not willing to give you love, respect, support, communication, and affection.
But neediness? Needy people are insecure and clingy. They are borderline possessive and don't honor boundaries. They think that being in a relationship means their significant other isn't supposed to have a life outside of it. They are exhausting and draining.
It can be a hard pill to swallow, but if the past three guys you've been out with used "needy" as a reason to call things off with you, before giving push back, ask yourself if they possibly had a point. Because the one thing those guys all have in common is…you.
3.You Lower Your Standards in Order to Be in a Relationship.
Another sign of a love addict is someone who wants to be "in love" so badly that they would rather lower their standards than be alone.
Be careful with this one. Like I tell people in some of my relationships coaching sessions, "You only end up bending over backwards when your bar is too low." Besides, your standards and values are a part of who you are as a person. By ignoring them in order to make a relationship "work", you're misrepresenting yourself and the kind of relationship you truly want.
In other words, you're entering into a facade. A relationship that's not genuine. If you're OK with that, that's a red flag — on so many levels, it ain't even funny.
4.You Do Most of the Work in Your Relationships.
I'll raise my hand in this class and admit that, for years, this was my biggest problem. I felt like since I loved you, I should go above and beyond to show it — even if that meant doing your part. In fact, I believed that the more love I gave, the more loving the relationship was. Nope. Here's another problem with love addiction:
What you think you're doing out of "love" is oftentimes more like what you are doing out of fear.
Are you constantly going above and beyond for a man because you're scared to lose him if you don't? At the very least, you are co-dependent. At the most, you are leaning into love addiction.
5.You Live for the Fairy Tale.
Some of my friends get irritated with me whenever I say this but…whatever. If when it comes to relationships, you say that you're "living for the fairy tale", I want you to take a moment to look at what you're signing up for:
Fairy tale: a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures; an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.
By definition, fairy tales are children's stories. Fairy tales are usually so incredible that they mislead you. Words have power. Is that really what you want?
A love addict compares their love standard to Prince Charming and Cinderella. Someone who has a healthy sense of love wants their own love story — one that is with someone who is committed to the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. One that isn't about "…and they lived happily ever after" but is more about "…and they stay committed through it all."
6.You Don't Feel "Whole" Unless You're with Someone.
Whole means "full". Whole means "complete". Whole means "not broken, damaged, or impaired; intact". When you're in a relationship with someone, it means that there are two flawed human beings trying to make something work.
My point? You run a faaaaaaaaaar greater chance of not being whole — of being broken or damaged — when you're with someone than when you're not because people make mistakes, people sometimes hurt others…people ain't perfect. I'm not saying that you shouldn't want to be in a relationship. I'm saying that if you want to be in a healthy relationship with a flawed human being, you're better off making sure you feel full and complete before dating them — not after.
Women who believe the complete opposite? Yep. They show classic signs of having a love addiction. And nothing good, healthy, or lasting can ever come from that.
True love is a choice. Not an addiction. Always remember that.
Related Stories:
5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes – Read More
Knowing Your Self-Worth Is The Ultimate F*ckboy Repellant – Read More
What I Learned From Oprah's Advice About Attracting Your Best Partner –Read More
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 14 Signs of a Love Addict | Relationship Addicts | Love Addiction ... ›
- 5 Signs That You Are A 'Love Addict' | HuffPost Australia ›
- 40 Questions: Are You a Love Addict? ›
- Understanding Codependency: 11 Signs That You Are A Love Addict ›
- Love Addiction 101 | Symptoms of Love Addiction ›
- Might As Well Face It: Telltale Signs Of Love Addiction ›
- Love addiction signs | How to know if you're a love addict ›
- How To Break the Pattern of Love Addiction | Psychology Today ›
- Signs & Symptoms of Love Addiction ›
- What are the Most Common Indicators of Love Addiction? ›
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From the day they met, food has always played a role in their relationship, and working together in the food industry is what we call a full circle moment. Learn more about Bryant and Daniella’s story of finding love with one another.
How they met.
Bryant: We met at a mutual clients’ house. She was doing the lady hair, and I was cooking for the lady. The client sent her downstairs to record me while I was cooking to, I guess, see what I was cooking, and I caught her recording, but we didn't talk. I caught her recording, we laughed it off, and she went about her day.
So I guess that was the first thing that made us interact with each other. A few months down the line, I think she posted something [on social media]. I hopped in her DM and responded to it, and then we decided to just meet up and hang out. I looked at her as an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. She don’t need nothing. I don’t need nothing. It's good to hang with people who don't need nothing from you.
When we linked up, our chemistry was just so soft and just so nice. She is a great person, but after meeting up with her [for the] first time, she went back to Miami. She came back [to Atlanta], and we just kicked it off that next weekend, and ever since then, we've been locked in.
Daniella: That same client had flew me back in so I knew I had to come up here for work. But I told him that we'll meet up and [go] on a date and see each other again. When that happened, everything else was history. It just happened organically. It wasn’t forced or anything.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
First impressions.
Bryant: I knew for a fact for her to come downstairs and try to record me, I knew that she was brave, and that said a lot about her, because I barely even talk when I'm cooking for my clients. So you have to talk to somebody for them to feel comfortable to play with you, or do certain things. I feel like the client sent her downstairs because she knew that she's an outspoken, bubbly type of person who don't mind laughing it off if she gets caught doing it.
When she came back to Atlanta, she booked me to cook for her family. So while I was cooking for her in the kitchen, the whole time she was in there talking to me. It was like a date in the kitchen, and I cooked her food. Once the food was laid out, I just left. We had a great conversation when I was cooking for her, and also when she came downstairs and tried to record me.
Daniella: I was impressed how he was multitasking because I was asking him deep, interesting questions, and he was cooking the food, and he was still answering my questions. But I was in a relationship at that time, so I wasn't really in tune. It was no emotions. But when I came back and flew in to work, we met with each other.
He came and picked me up from the hotel and we drove around Atlanta, sightseeing. We went to the African club. So when he came downstairs, I was like okay, you not gonna hug me, you not gonna say nothing? He was shocked and we stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
We stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
The one.
Daniella: When we first linked up, he took me around Atlanta. He was soft and gentle. He was a gentleman. He opened the door for me and I never had nobody open the door. He opened the door every single time I was going in and getting out the car, and when we went to that restaurant. I was like, [there’s] something about him, and he was just nice, calm and patient. So I knew he was a little different from what I'm used to.
Bryant: [I knew she was the one by] how she cared so much. She didn't really know me like that. She knew of me, but she cared so much about me. When we first met, she would lay on me and just relax. For someone who just wants to relax on you, that says a lot about them towards you. It wasn't like I had to prove myself and she didn’t have to prove herself with me either. It wasn't nothing like that. We were willing to take whatever came with it. But it just was really a break. It was like the best me meeting a woman because I didn't try.
Any other woman, I might be trying to dress up, take her to this place, I did not try at all. I picked her up and I actually thought that she wasn't gonna go on the date with me because of her status and my status. I'm such a laid back homey dude and she's from Miami. I thought she would be on the City Girls, you gotta do this, do that. But she wasn't. She was the total opposite. She was a homebody, chill, like me.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
Marriage advice for couples.
Bryant: Work together. Communication, put your mind together.
Daniella: And keep your family out your business.
Bryant: Keep it private please. Y'all work it out first. When y'all make sure it's solidified, then you tell them, or let them find out on their own. Privacy is the most valuable thing.
Daniella: And date each other because people get married and they stop doing the things that they did to get you, or stop doing the things that they did while they were in a relationship with you, before y'all got married. No, do the same thing. For me, I get bored easy, and I think he knows that. So just keep it spicy. Keep it interesting.
Bryant: We like spontaneous stuff like last-minute trips, trying different foods, going out the country just off a spur of a moment. You gotta make it fun. Don't just make it all business. And I think one person out of the relationship needs to take the initiative to make sure their partner is relaxing and at peace. A lot of people carry functional depression to where they’re functional, like we're doing this right now, but they can be going through something.
I don't think it's male or female. I think whichever one, the other partner should notice it and work with their partner to get through whatever they get through, like, for postpartum depression and stuff. That's something that most men don't even really know exist, but that's something when she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her.
She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much. So you got to be considerate of your mate's mental state and their mental well-being, because when it's gone, it's gone and it takes a lot to get it back, so I think that's important.
When she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her. She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much.
If you see something not right with your spouse, help them get help. It's okay for them to talk to a therapist by themselves, or it's okay for them to talk to somebody, but don't just sit there and let them go into this decline and self-destruction. I think that's the most important, because sometimes she be overwhelmed, and I have to be that person to hold her up. And then sometimes I'm overwhelmed. To her, baby, I don't want to do this no more. She's like, you gonna do this. We gonna do this. And she reminds me who I am. I remind her who she is, and we come back feeling more motivated.
Daniella: I think business owners should date business owners because they understand your hustle, your hunger. They understand when you can have a day where you make $0 and you have a day when you make $1,000. But I feel like if you dating someone who is in corporate America, and you a business owner, there's going to be a lot of friction, a lot of tension, and I just feel like I want to date someone that has the same drive as me.
Because I don't want to feel like I'm trying to build a bear, build a man, and I have to pull you and drag you, or just being with somebody who got they self together. For instance, my last relationship. I won't say I was the breadwinner, but I was kind of established, and I felt like I was sleeping with the enemy. I was growing fast and I wasn't stagnant. I was trying to get to the next level. He started to be jealous of me and I feel like a lot of women deal with men trying to be jealous of them. Men also have ego issues where they don't really want their woman making a certain amount of money or making more money than them.
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