![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yOTc0OTE2Ny9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc4NDExMzA3Nn0.EjaKATosDM1mHDnWXDlZALUeT_a829a6zvwvAMOl2kM/img.png?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C78%2C0%2C78)
These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom
There's something about deal-breakers that I think a lot of people miss. A deal-breaker is not exactly a standard that you have. Take dating. If you don't want to be with a man who is broke or you'd prefer not to date someone who's been married before, technically, that's not a deal-breaker. For you, that's a standard or personal principle.
By definition, a deal-breaker is more like something that is up for negotiation, but if both parties can't come to an agreement, the "deal" is off of the table. And boy, when it comes to deal-breakers as it specifically relates to sex in relationships, in order for everyone involved to be happy and fulfilled (oh, and safe; don't forget about safe), there definitely needs to be some pre-sex negotiating that goes on.
To me, there are about 10 things that should be discussed between two people who plan on "engaging" one another in the bedroom. For some of y'all, these are standards and I totally get that. But for everyone, there should at least be a conversation—or two or 12—about all of these issues, preferably beforehand. Otherwise, there's a huge chance that not only will coitus not go as planned, but the relationship itself could find itself in some serious jeopardy too.
1. Bad Hygiene
You'd think it would be a given that most people are turned off by bad hygiene. Oh, but not so fast. Studies reveal that many of us ladies are completely into a sweaty man and, let's not act like all sweat smells great. Personally, some of the best sex I ever had came from a guy who dripped sweat the entire time. The problem was, I actually can barely stand my own, so it was getting to a point where I had to ask myself if I wanted to keep sleeping with him. Either we needed to move to Antarctica or I was gonna have to bow out gracefully (we ended up breaking up before it got to that point).
Along these same lines, there are people I know who don't mind having sex after a long day at work (sans a bath, I mean). Then there are others who think it's a given that their partner should wash up first. See what I mean? Some things are not necessarily right or wrong; some things are about personal preference, so there needs to be some upfront negotiating first.
As far as pubic hair grooming goes, I've had partners who definitely prefer a lot of hair and others that feel like having sex with a woman who has little-to-none of it is like having sex with a child (someone literally said that to me); it creeps them out, so a bush is a must. But then, I have a friend who's been married for years whose husband has been begging her to stop "Nair-ing" her vulva; she ain't having it. Sometimes, she grows it out, just to make him smile. Again, there goes an example of sexual negotiating.
Taking all of what I just said into account, when it comes to your partner's hygiene and landscape, what would be your deal-breakers? Do you have any at all? Does he?
2. Condoms. Or Not.
Did you know that reportedly, only one-third of us use condoms? Wow. Even with all of the information out in these streets about STDs being on the rise, folks still ain't wrappin' it up. Although I'm abstinent now, you can read some about my sexually active journey to see that I clearly wasn't the posterchild for safe sex (not even close—SMDH); therefore, I get that using rubbers isn't anything any of us really want to do. But condoms do save lives (and prevent unwanted pregnancies), so whether or not you and your partner are going to use them is a must-have conversation.
If you do decide to partake (which you absolutely should unless you're in a long-term commitment and you both get tested on a regular basis), you need to make sure that he puts it on, every time, unless you consent to otherwise. I needed to say that because, unfortunately, stealthing (the practice of men taking off condoms without their partner's consent) happens more than a lil' bit. This is why condom etiquette is something that should never be assumed.
Oh, and just for the sake of subconscious reinforcement—if a man does happen to stealth you, he doesn't care about you nearly as he should. So yes, there should be no question that what he did qualifies as an automatic deal-breaker.
3. Fetish Expectations
Even as much as I write about sex, even though I used to work alongside a ministry that got people out of porn, I still have moments when I'll read about something and my immediate response is, "I cannot." Literally. Take sexual fetishes, for example. As I was reading a Thought Catalog article on some of the different kinds that are out there— hybristophilia (the reenactment of rape, murder, etc.), hematolagnia (drinking blood during sex), and cuckoldry (enjoying watching yourself getting cheated on by your partner)—while the topic of fetishes really does garner a "to each their own" response, before someone decides to walk into a room with a diaper on or urinate on you, make sure you let them know whether you're down for exploring fetishes. And, if so, which ones.
4. Technology
Back when I was in college (the early to mid-90s), there were some women I knew who, unbeknownst to them, were taped having sex by some guys on the yard. Those "men" would capture footage of those ladies doing all sorts of stuff and then blackmail them throughout the rest of the school year. That is called revenge porn and most states have laws concerning it.
With articles out here like "Should You Make A Sex Tape? How Amateur Adult Films Can Build Intimacy And Lead To Better Sex", it's clear that some people like to film themselves doing-the-do. But with other articles out in cyberspace like "Filming Yourself Having Sex Can Feel Great – but Only If You're Both in Control", make sure that your partner treats you at all times like one of my favorite Usher songs "Superstar"; that just like a concert, if you prefer that all technology be put away, he adheres to your request. No, not request…requirement.
5. An Undesirable Location
I once read a study that said 1 in 3 teen boys are pressured to have sex while 23 percent of girls are. Pressure, by definition, is a type of force or demand. Yeah, it's an op-ed for another time about how many of our men are not as sexually healthy as they should be and it's all because they were introduced to sex via some sort of "pressure". For now, what I'll say is adults can "peer pressure" each other about as much as adolescents tend to do.
That said, I'm all for spontaneity and thinking outside of the box. When I checked out an article on 200 different places to have sex, I must admit that I filed some away in my mental sexual bucket list. But as I thought about some places (in the car, on the side of a building, public bathrooms) and some of the women in my life who've shared with me times when making out turned to their clothes being taken off in places where they didn't want that to happen, even though they wanted the sex itself—that is why I thought it was important to mention this point as well.
He can think that you're frigid, prudish or any other adjective, but you have every right to have sex, not only when but where you want to. Full stop. No apologies.
6. No STD Test/Results
Every once in a while, I'll get asked what my ultimate "sexual low" was. For me, it was having unprotected sex, with three different guys (on three separate days, not all at once), in one week. Back when I was sexually active, my pattern was always to have sex with friends, so it was pretty much a week of "recycle sex". It doesn't matter, though. Because they were my friends, I knew them well enough to know that I wasn't the only person they were "repurposing" with. For this reason alone, I should've required an STD test from them and they should've required one of me.
I've had chlamydia before. Thankfully, that is curable. But hepatitis B, herpes simplex virus (HSV or herpes), HIV and the human papillomavirus (HPV), at least for now, are not. Plus, there are STDs like super gonorrhea that do not currently react to antibiotics (yikes).
I don't care how fine he is, how well you know him, or what he tells you, it's always smart to expect an STD test and to view the results for yourself before sex (especially with a new partner). And since there are now tests that can be taken from the convenience and privacy of your own home (click here for a woman's test, here for a man's), there's really no excuse. Now is there?
7. Inebriation
OK, this is another one of those points that is relevant unless you are in a long-term relationship. I'm pretty sure that all of us who've had sex, have done it while we were drunk, at least, once over the course of our lifetime. The reason why this made the list is because, if the person you're thinking about "engaging" is a new potential partner and you get inebriated, it can get a little murky when it comes to whether or not what you did (or all of what you did) was consensual.
There's no question that, for many, alcohol can intensify sexual arousal and remove anxiety and jitters. But don't wait until after you're tipsy AF to try and decide if you should get it on or not. Again, this is a discussion that should absolutely be had beforehand. If the guy respects you and is looking out for your best interest (and his, come to think about it), he will totally agree.
8. Selfishness
I'll tell you what always has been and forever will be a deal-breaker for me. Don't be over here thinking that you'll get the benefits of my full lips and overbite when "going downtown" (shout out to SWV) ain't even on your radar. Nope. Nada. No sir.
Listen, I'm pretty sure that it comes as absolutely no surprise that in a fairly large (and popular) survey, a whopping 85 percent of men vs. a mere 64 percent of women claimed to have an orgasm during the last sexual encounter that they had. Hmph. The only thing that I can figure is the cause of that is selfishness; men who don't make their partner's pleasure as much of a priority as their own (good lovers do, by the way).
The act of sex between two people can't happen without the participation of both (not if it's consensual, anyway). If your partner doesn't believe that it shouldn't go down unless both of you are also fully satisfied, then there's no question that his selfishness should also be a surefire deal-breaker.
9. Sharing Your Partner
As far as multiple sex partners go, two reads that provide some interesting info is "Promiscuous America: Smart, Secular, and Somewhat Less Happy" and "7 Things People with Multiple Partners Want You to Know About What It's Really Like". Something that particularly stood out to me in the second article was polyamory requires a lot of communication, isn't always easy, and some people "fall into the lifestyle" without even really noticing (getting drunk and having a threesome was the example given).
Yeah, about that last one. Whether it's in the form of a full-on relationship or you simply being cool with you and/or your partner having sex with others, that's one thing. But if you're someone who is under the assumption that you and your partner are exclusive, 1) don't assume that; ask, and 2) if he's not interested in that arrangement and/or he initially agrees, only for you to eventually discover that he lied, hopefully it's a given that this is definitely a deal-breaker as well.
10. The Act Itself
This one is short 'n sweet. From positions to the amount of time to what happens afterwards—sex has hundreds of different combinations. What you consider to be a good time may or may not be what he does. If he mentions or tries anything that makes you uncomfortable, stop. If he pushes you or pressures you beyond your boundary, he is violating you. Yes sis, out of all of these, that is the biggest sexual deal-breaker that there is. Period.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
Sexual Compatibility Is As Important As Spiritual Compatibility
Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good
If You Have To Wonder If It Was Rape, It Was
Feature image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Wealthy Restaurant Owner Shares The Money-Saving Hack She’s Used Since Childhood
“It doesn’t matter how big or small your finances are, the real gem is prioritizing what you have,” that’s the candor advice Ebony Austin, owner of Noveau Bar and Grill made sure she emphasized in our authentic convo. As a multi-hyphenated go-getter, she’s created more than 100 job opportunities and given away over $100 million to the community. When I inquired about her secret, she simply credits her skill to proper planning and a trusted team.
But the more the discussion progressed, the depth of that answer was revealed. Ebony opened up about how saving during the pandemic, a time when many businesses were forced to close their doors, aided her through difficult chapters. And after our authentic conversation, it made the importance of saving and business research crystal clear. Check out the convo below.
What was your journey like into money management? Have you always been good with your finances?
Yes, I learned it early. My grandparents had a construction company when I was growing up and my grandmother would teach me that with everything they worked for, she’d put 30% away. So no matter how many jobs I’ve had, once I tithed, I’d put up 30% away too. If I couldn’t pay my bills with that remainder, I’d get a second job. As crazy as it sounds, I’ve always been amazing at that.
So you’re definitely more of a saver then a spender, right?
Well, yes, but I do have a shopping addiction. But I save a lot. I’ve gone months and months without buying anything, then I’ll just go buy something big or small. But I’ve always known I still need backup plans. The beauty of having it is that you’re never trying to scramble. Even with my first property, I didn’t have any problems because my money was seasoned. I’ve always been consistent and knew a certain amount of money was going in the bank every paycheck.
Photo by Rari Filmz
Okay, so I can’t ignore the “shopping addiction” comment. Tell me about your splurge
So Louis Vuitton and Chanel are my favorites. Then I’m really big on supporting Black-owned businesses. I put that in my budget every month – sometimes a few times a month.
That’s a good one! What advice do you have for people trying to tighten up their budget?
Prioritize. When the pandemic happened, it gave us all a new outlook on life and what’s important. For example, going out to eat with my friends and family is essential. So I take time out monthly and figure out my expenses. For example, a lot of my friends are Tauruses, so that month, I need to plan extra birthday dinners. It only takes me like an hour, but it makes such a difference. People need to figure out what that looks like for them.
And what is your current final goal? Like, do you have a retirement plan?
Yes, once I get Noveau to 100 million! My biggest goal is for my team members to buy homes and establish themselves. But my end goal would be 15-20 restaurants, with five being investment restaurants. Also, of course, I want properties. I understand the importance of owning land. I think those are the main things.
Okay, so what is the worst piece of business advice you’ve been given?
Someone told me that I don’t need finances to open up a business. People say if you have a 590 credit score you can start it, but why would you do that? I mean you can do it with that score, but the interest looks way different. Build your credit first and avoid the extra costs. I used my own money to start a lot of businesses. Now when I look back I wouldn’t have even done it that way.
How would you have done it?
I would’ve used the bank's money. When you’re building your first location it can be really hard, but they do give them out. But you can’t just come in with a concept with no experience and ask for $100,000. No one will bet on that or believe in it. But if you have a concept, with a real plan and projections, start off with lines of credits. You can start small and build your business with $5,000.
Out of curiosity, what are your thoughts on investing and how do you do it?
I’ve invested in two restaurant concepts. Also, I have my own real estate investment company where we build, sell, and flip. I think investments are important to keep. Some of them require work. Personally, real estate is always key. To me it’s a safe option but they’re smart in general. That’s the only way you get to certain goals. Don’t let money sit in the bank – invest it.
Are there any unhealthy habits you had to unlearn in regards to investing or money management in general?
I had to learn to say no. A lot of times, everybody wants something. It’s hard to say no to people who are capable of doing things for themselves.
Heavy on the “who are capable of doing things for themselves.” What’s been your biggest struggle in building your business? Was there ever a moment you questioned it?
As an entrepreneur, we all have those moments where we’re ready to throw in the towel. But my biggest challenge was building a team and getting the word out there. But I also know God doesn’t make mistakes. At the time, the more I prayed and started to get to know the team, I came to the realization that I needed to let go of almost all of them. It wasn’t just about what was aligned with me and my purpose but also Nouveau.
Also, I had to separate myself and the business because I’m not going to care if they’re late three times in a row but the business will. Those were the most challenging things for me: saying no, building the right team, and separating the business and myself.
God heard every prayer though. Because now the team at Nouveau is amazing. They put all the pieces together. It’s all about praying and taking care of your people.
Finally, what does wealth look like to you?
Making sure my family is good and my mother doesn’t have to work again. Also, wealth is ensuring my team is reaching their goals. I teach my team how to save money, too. It makes no sense that I’m the only one that’s profitable. When I became a millionaire, my goal was to figure out who I’ll make the next millionaire. I want families to understand how we get here and how we stay here. Wealth is not a one-woman show.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Rari Filmz