Ladies, be honest, what comes to mind when I say, "self-care"?
Let me guess, you probably thought of a woman (i.e. yourself) having a spa day wrapped in a fluffy robe or even a mani/pedi with matching nail polish colors. Am I right? Unfortunately, for men, the term self-care has somehow found itself coined as feminine. It's actually one of the very few gender stereotypes that kind of works in our favor and we literally dominate the self-care culture.
As a result, some men find themselves shying away from self-care due to gender-based stigmas. They fear that partaking in self-care won't be seen as masculine. But listen up men and women, men taking care of themselves is not feminine at all! It is so very necessary. In fact, ladies we should actually be encouraging our husbands, boyfriends, brothers, fathers, uncles, and male friends to take care of themselves and indulge in a little self-care, especially during these trying times.
Here are 6 ways that men can begin indulging in self-care today:
Facials/Skincare
This is listed first for a reason. It is so important that men take care of their skin, too. I mean, it's one of the first things that people see when they meet you. And guys, we can tell when you're not taking care of it. That is why I am all the way here for this recent Twitter thread showing black men taking care of their skin! Yes, fellas!
To be honest, I used to consider getting a facial as a luxury, but now I consider it maintenance for my skin. If you've never had one, it is a service performed by a licensed professional, usually an esthetician or facialist that includes cleansing, exfoliation, steaming, extractions, and a mask. Before COVID-19, I got a facial every 4 to 6 weeks while others may only get them just four times a year. How often you go is totally up to you and your esthetician or facialist. According to Men's Health, here's what you need to know before getting a facial:
- If you have sensitive skin skip your shave the day you get a facial.
- Be patient. It can take up to a week to see results from your facial.
- It may get a little uncomfortable when it's time for extractions and exfoliation. Trust me its's worth it though.
Manicure/Pedicure
I remember when it used to be a rare sighting to see men in the nail shop but now I'm almost always guaranteed to see at least 1-2 men during my visits. This trend of seeing more men in the nail shop is expected to continue. In fact, there are more and more establishments opening that only cater to men. Alpha Male Nail Care Services in Charlotte, NC does just that! If you're in the Charlotte area, be sure to check them out!
Taking care of your hands and feet is almost as important as taking care of your skin. There is nothing I hate more than seeing a well-dressed man with dirty fingernails. Getting a mani/pedi isn't just important for superficial reasons either. Regular manicures and pedicures help prevent hangnails, stop ingrown toenails, and help to soften corns and calluses. Oh, and the massage at the end is everything! Trust me!
Warm Bath
As someone who loves water, you would think that I would indulge in taking a warm bath for relaxation purposes more often than I do. But it was actually my boyfriend that taught me the benefits of taking a warm bath. While a bath can certainly be used for hygiene purposes or to wash away the day, it also has many other benefits such as alleviating muscle aches and pains, helping to regulate your body temperature, and helping you sleep better at night. So King, run a warm bath, put on some calming music, light a candle and enjoy.
Massage
Massages are an act of self-care that I'd say most men are probably fairly comfortable reveling in, however, research shows that more women get massages than men. Make time to get an occasional massage, fellas. You can literally get one anywhere from the spa to the airport. Massages help alleviate stress, anxiety, pain, tension, and can even enhance exercise performance.
Meditation
If you scroll through social media, you will no doubt become inundated with messages on healing and meditation that are directed at women. It's actually pretty disheartening that more men are not encouraged to meditate. Regular meditation can significantly benefit both your physical and mental health. There are so many different types of meditation, so there is literally something for everyone. Headspace.com has a great write up on the different types of meditation. I encourage my brothers to browse and find the one that is right for you.
Therapist
Mental health can be a bit of a taboo in the black community overall, but especially for black men who are expected to be strong and show little-to-no emotion. While it is important to take care of your skin, your body, your hands, and your feet, please don't forget about your mind, guys. If your mind isn't healthy, it really doesn't matter how healthy the rest of you is. More and more therapists are offering telehealth options due to COVID-19. There are also sites like Therapy for Black Men that can help you find a therapist in your area.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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