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Check Out These 15 Science-Based Facts When It Comes to Sex
Something that I know I definitely get from my late father is a desire to find out all sorts of random information. And since I write about sex a lot—I mean, A LOT—it wouldn't be right if I didn't share some of the science-based data that I've collected about that very topic.
Aside from the fact that this kind of stuff is pretty interesting, another reason why I encourage you to check it out is, sometimes, research helps us to connect dots on certain things that we may have always wondered about but didn't really know where to look for clarity. So, if sexual knowledge is also your forte, here are 15 points about it that science says are based on fact more than opinion.
1. Your Childhood Affects Your Sex Life
I say it often because it is always true. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, adulthood really is about surviving childhood. Sex is included in this reality. There is plenty of research which states that people who had emotionally or physically unavailable parents (neglect is a form of abuse, by the way) usually end up struggling with sexual intimacy. That makes sense because our parents are our first introduction to how relationships work. So, if you've got emotional walls up during sex, you find yourself only having sex to please your partner or casual sex is all you know—do some reflecting on what your life was like growing up. The holistic intimacy that may have been lacking back then could very well be the basis for why you're having a hard time with sexual intimacy now.
2. Not Cuddling Makes Sexual Satisfaction Worse
I actually read that one author thinks that cuddling works against sexual pleasure because it can make you feel so familiar with your partner that you end up not lusting them (what in the world?); however, in that same article, there are studies which indicate that cuddling—especially after sex—is highly beneficial for your sex life because it helps to increase the oxytocin (what is considered to be "the love hormone") levels in your body and makes the sexual experience, overall, so much better. So, after coming off of the high of intercourse (or oral sex), hug and kiss on your boo a bit. It's the icing that makes the cake more delicious in every way.
3. Sex Helps You to Get Sick Less
Even if you're not a big fan of oral sex, I still recommend that you check out "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm". Mere words cannot express, just how much sperm/semen truly is the ultimate multivitamin. And since there are so many nutrients in it, plus the act of sex itself is a great stress reducer, I totally get how sex helps to strengthen your immune system, so that you end up getting sick less often.
4. There’s No Such Thing As “Normal” Sex Drive
At first, I was gonna hyperlink an interview that I read where someone said a sex drive is basically non-existent because you don't need to have sex. Then I thought, "chile, please". The fact that a woman's clitoris seems to have only one function (to help us orgasm), that is enough of a reason for me to believe that sex is essential, on many levels. What science does agree on, across the board, is there's not really such a thing as a "normal sex drive". Things like gender (men have more testosterone which tends to make them hornier overall), lifestyle, diet, one's mindset of sex, religion, the kind of relationship they are in with the one they are having sex with—these are just some of the things that can factor into if someone's libido is high or not. However, the bigger concern you should have is if you once had a strong desire for sex and suddenly, you no longer do. If this is the case, make an appointment to see your doctor and if they give you a clean bill of health, then a therapist or counselor. Just make sure that you don't compare your drive to anyone other than yourself. All of us are different.
5. Less Contention Breeds More Sex
Don't shoot the messenger. I'm just sharing the data. Did you know that according to a study that was published by The Journal of Research in Personality, women who are more agreeable in relationships tend to have more and better sex? I know for some of y'all that "agreeable" is probably a trigger, yet it makes sense if you really think about it.
Less drama. Less stress. Less stress. More sex. I don't agree with Dr. Phil often, but I do feel him when he says, "Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" Just something to think about.
6. Clingy, and Aloof, People Have Worse Sex than Others
Life. It's all about balance, right? Another thing that some researchers have discovered is when it comes to attachment styles that involve being super clingy or being too aloof, that can definitely put a damper on one's sex life. Being clingy projects being insecure and no one finds that sexy. As a direct result, a less sexually satisfying experience happens for and with those kinds of people. As far as being aloof goes, it's not so much that the sex isn't good; it's more that they don't prefer to have sex as often. They avoid it because they don't prefer to engage in any form of intimacy as much. Hmph.
7. Vagina Size Doesn’t (Really) Matter. It Does Shift, Tho.
At the end of the day, the size of a woman's vagina (the tube that starts at the outer opening of the vulva and goes all the way up the neck of the uterus (the cervix) doesn't matter much. Yes, vaginally giving birth to a child can alter it some; however, for the most part, our va-jay-jay is pretty elastic and resilient. If you've ever wondered what the size of one is before, on average, vaginas are 2.44 inches long and range from 1.5 to 4 inches wide. This is why I constantly roll my eyes when women are talking about how big a man's, umm, member needs to be (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go"). Your most intense never endings are two-inches in, so long as a man can sexually scratch your itch right there, you'll be fine.
Oh, but it should go on record that the reason why your length has so much "inch range" is it tends to shift during your menstrual cycle. That's because it's common for your cervix to change positions (something I learned the hard way, once I started using a menstrual cup).
8. Men Have 9-11 Erections Every Day
I really like to cook. To this day, perhaps the greatest compliment on my cooking comes from an ex who used to automatically get erections whenever he ate something that he truly enjoyed. So, if you're someone who thinks that men only experience a hard-on when they are sexually aroused, think again. Anything that stimulates one of a man's senses (taste, touch, scent, sight, smell) can cause his nerves to send chemical signals to the blood vessels in his penis. How often? Reportedly somewhere between 9-11 times a day it seems.
9. (Weed) Smoke Can Make Sex Better
Last fall, I wrote "7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better" for the platform. Not because it's my personal opinion but because there is some solid data behind the fact that a little "puff, puff, pass" can do everything from boost your sex drive and make you feel more relaxed, to provide you with more energy and relieve sexual discomfort. If you'd like to read a little more on the topic, you can check it out here.
10. Sexsomnia Is a Thing
I've had a couple of people tell me that their partner has fallen asleep, right in the middle of sex before. While this probably doesn't do the most for someone's sexual self-confidence, what's a trip is there are actually some people who have what is known as sexsomnia. What it all boils down to is they are able to engage in sexual activity while they are sleeping (kinda like someone can legitimately sleep-walk). While it's probably more that folks are worn out that causes them to end up snoring during sex, there are eight percent of people who have been diagnosed with sexsomnia. No joke.
11. Men (Always) Dominating in Bed Can Backfire
Something that quite a few husbands have told me they wish would change in the bedroom is them having to initiate sex all of the time. And you know what? They've got data to back their feelings up.
There are studies which indicate that men who either believe or are put into the position to assume the dominant role all of the time tend to communicate their needs and ask what their partner needs less often. So, if you want to please your man more or possibly fake orgasms less, come on to him sometimes. Watch what happens when you do.
12. Sexual Communication Can Reduce Depression and Improve Sex Overall
If you and/or your partner battle depression, you may not have that strong of a sex drive. That's understandable. Yet did you know that sharing your feelings with your partner can actually curb some of your depression-related symptoms and also put you in the mood? When you feel totally accepted by your partner, to the point where you can share all of your thoughts and feelings, that, in turn, makes you want to get closer to them—sometimes this includes on a sexual level.
13. Sex Boosts Your Memory
Got a test or presentation coming up? You might want to have sex a couple of hours before it. Aside from the fact that sex has an uncanny ability to relieve anxiety, there are plenty of studies out here that say it also makes it easy to recall verbal memory too. The breakdown of why is a bit complex. If you're curious, though, you can read more about it by clicking here.
14. Good Sex Makes “I Love Yous” Automatically Happen
A lot of people could spare themselves plenty of heartache and disillusionment if they learned the difference between "I love you" and "I love it" during sexual activity. Meaning, sometimes, when a person exclaims "I love you!" during the heat of passion, oftentimes what they mean is they love how you make them feel—sexually. No more, no less.
Keep this in mind at all times because there's a study that states that 75 percent of men and 74 percent of women say that their partner expressed those three words during their last sexual encounter. It's a part of the reason why I wrote, "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner".
15. Gratitude Improves Your Orgasms
Selfishness never works in any setting. Sex is not exempt. In fact, I once read that couples who are intentional about expressing gratitude towards one another, outside of the bedroom, on a regular basis, end up having much better sex and more orgasms. How does this work? Well, grateful people tend to be more interested in pleasing their partner because they are so thankful for having them in the first place and because their partner feels appreciated, they are freer and desirous of making their partner happy. So, make sure to let your partner know what you adore about him. It's a good thing to do and can make sex so much better—for you both. Enjoy!
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Love On The Brain: What Science Says Loving Someone Does To You Mentally
I dig science. A big part of the reason why is because I really enjoy researching the “whys” of things. While my father always liked that about me, my mother oftentimes had something slick to say about it (that’s another message for another time, chile). To me, it’s whatever. For better or for worse, I’m simply not someone who accepts that the sky is blue “just because” — put it on my daddy’s DNA, I guess; with no apologies in place, I almost always want to know why something is the way that it is.
And since I spend so much of my time working with couples and writing on relationships, I’m sure no one is shocked that I’ve done my due diligence when it comes to figuring out what is really going on in the minds of humans whenever they are hyped about being in love. While on the surface level, it might seem like I’m being cynical, I’m actually not. It’s more about…well, again, I’ve been working with couples and writing about relationships for so long at this point that I think it’s important for folks to know the difference between an “emotional surge” and a truly wise love decision — and being aware of the role that the brain plays when we think that we’re in love with someone? That can help to bring some perspective and clarity into all of this.
So, whether you’re in something new and you’re currently on cloud nine, you’ve been in something for a while now and you’re wondering if you’ve “lost that loving feeling” or if you’re borderline on the verge of self-sabotage or, you’re like me, and you simply like to know random information just because — I’ve got 10 things that might be of interest to you as far as what science says love can literally do to you on the mental tip.
It’s fascinating stuff, indeed.
1. Dopamine Gets Activated
It’s pretty interesting thatdopamine is a type of neurotransmitter that plays a significant role in things like how you are able to experience pleasure or create memories because both of those are quite relevant when you’re in love with someone. Well, according to science, when you feel like you truly love an individual, dopamine gets activated on a whole ‘nother level to the point where you not only feel euphoric but,it’s at the level of what alcohol or a cocaine high can produce (have mercy!) I’m not exaggerating, either.
In fact, Medical News Today once published an article entitled, “Falling In Love Hits The Brain Like Cocaine Does.” Hmm…makes you wonder if some people run up outta there marriages, not because there’s really anything “wrong”; it’s just that they have crashed from their “cocaine high” and no one prepared them for how to handle it (get into premarital counseling, engaged folks; it makes all the difference in the world!). Also,as far as dopamine goes, when men are “falling” for a woman, it’s dopamine and vasopressin that increase, while, for women, it’s dopamine and oxytocin. During sex, vasopressin drops in men, while oxytocin increases when a woman climaxes. The more you know.2. Euphoria Increases
Let’s go a little bit deeper into the whole euphoria thing. At the end of the day, euphoria is about intensity. I mean, a part of the reason whythe series Euphoria has been so popular (and jarring) is that it showshow drug abuse can put people into a euphoric state — at first in a pleasurable way and eventually on a devastating level. When it comes to love, some experts say that three stages transpire when you feel like you’re in a love-related euphoric state:arousal, attraction, and attachment. And you know what? If you aren’t intentional about doing what Ben Franklin once said (“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”), you could find yourself being on a roller coaster of emotions without having a relationship that consists of much stability. Yeah, euphoria increasing can be problematic as hell if you don’t get all of what comes with that.
3. Oxytocin Surges
When it comes to the articles that I’ve written on love, sex, and relationships on this platform, I don’t know if there’sany hormone that I’ve shouted out more than oxytocin. That’s because there are countless amounts of intel supporting the fact thatit bonds people through things like hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, and definitely sex. That’s whysome experts say that oxytocin can cause people to become “single-minded” about a person, it cancultivate feelings of trust, and it can literallycreate physiological changes that cause you to seek out your love interest.
This is a part of the reason why, when people declare that they are “in love” after say, a one-night stand, my mind immediately thinks, “Eh. Sounds more like an oxytocin surge.” You don’t know them well enough to love them; you can “love” how they make you feel, though. It’s essential to know the difference.
4. Fear Decreases
Now, this is an interesting one. Something else that science says happens when people are in love is the neural pathway that is associated with things like fear and judgment. It actually deactivates itself (chile…CHILE). Yep, some studies reveal that the part of your brain that encourages you to make “critical assessments” of individuals. When you feel like you love them, that shuts down. As a direct result, in walks the rose-colored glasses, and out goes the red flags. And that’s why, when I recently read that a particular actor didn’t heed some warnings from her friends regarding her new relationship, I literally shook my damn head.
When you’re all in love, especially in the beginning stages, having folks around who don’t feel the same ways about the person as you do can actually help you out in the long run, so long as they are good friends with a solid track record, they are going to notice some things that your neural pathway is keeping you from paying close attention to. Yeah, y’all be careful out there.
5. Your Prefrontal Cortex Slows Down
Speaking of desensitized senses, something else that transpires when you’re caught up in someone isyour prefrontal cortex becomes sluggish. Why is this problematic? Well, that’s where the logical part of your brain is housed. This means that when you love someone, you may not be the best at making sound and practical decisions. Although I don’t agree with an article that said this means that love is illogical (love is sound, sane, and stable; it’s folks who jack relationships up…not love), I do think all of this is a reminder that you must rely on more than just how someone makes you feel when you’re trying to decide who to build a life with. Moving on.
6. Your Hypothalamus Revs Up Your Sex Hormones
I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t know too many people who aren’t attracted to the object of their love and affection. And so, when you do fall in love, something else that happens isthe part of your brain known as the hypothalamus stimulates your ovaries while it also stimulates your man’s testicles — and that is what makes you feel an overwhelming feeling of desire (i.e., lust) for your partner.
7. Your Brain’s “Reward Circuit” Lights All the Way Up
Speaking of longing for your partner, three parts of your brain — the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex — are known as its “reward circuit,” and whenever you even speak about your bae, this is the part of your brain that lights up like a Christmas tree. Something that’s really interesting about this particular point is, that while this is happening, your serotonin levels typically drop.
Why does this matter? Well, serotonin helps to keep your anxiety levels in balance, and it also helps you to regulate your appetite(s). This would automatically cause me to believe that people who struggle with love addiction probably have a low level of serotonin operating in their system.
Oh, speaking of serotonin, although you may never think to get your hormone levels checked strictly to learn more about how you’re acting/reacting in your romantic relationship,I also found it interesting that people who have more dopamine in their system tend to take more risks when it comes to love while those who have more serotonin are usually far more cautious. Meaning, that how you are in your relationship(s) may not be just about your personality; your hormone levels tend to have a say as well.
8. Your Anterior Cingulate Cortex May Make You Obsessive
Your anterior cingulate cortex is the part of your brain that’s associated with things likemotivation and action. Anyway, since overactivity in this part of the brain is oftentimes linked to things like obsessive-compulsive disorder,some researchers believe that the reason why some people seem to think obsessively about their partner, almost to the point of obsession, if they don’t stay on top of it, is because of how their brain reacts to their attachment to their partner.For the record, this is also the part of your brain that literally lights up whenever you see your partner, too.
9. Vagus Nerves “Sync Up”
Your vagus nerves are a part of your nervous system that starts at your brain and runs through your digestive tract. This makes them an integral part of things like your immunity, your speech, your moods, and your heart rate. As far as your brain goes, some studies reveal that after a couple has been together for a longer period of time, it’s not uncommon for their vagus nerves to “sync up” in the sense of having similar facial expressions and hand gestures being and even their hearts starting to beat at the same pace.As a direct result, the syncing makes it easier for both individuals to make sacrifices for one another in order to remain together. Share that with your grandparents the next time you see them. #wink
10. If You’ve Been Together for a While, Your Angular Gyrus Becomes Stronger
Speaking of longevity, another perk that comes with couples who choose to go the distance is the part of their brain known astheir angular gyrus becomes more active. What’s actually sweet about this is that not only is this what makes it easier for you to learn complex languages, but you can also start to anticipate your partner’s actions with it too. As a direct result, science says that many couples can finish each other’s sentences — and it’s all because their angular gyrus has gotten stronger as a result of them staying committed.
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After reading all of this, how could anyone possibly look at being in love casually? There are far too many intricate parts at work — yes, literally. Yeah, when Rihanna sang about having “love on the brain,” she said more than a mouthful…whether she realized it or not.
And if you declare that you are in love, make sure to factor in what your brain is going through. Then choose wisely. Even your brain and mental health depend on it. Also…literally.
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