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Time Is Currency: 'I Gave Up Thousands To Keep My Remote Position'
Workers across the nation are pushing back against companies' widespread rollback of remote positions after the pandemic revolutionized the way we work. For nearly three years, workers settled into a new routine that included Zoom calls, comfy clothes, and a short commute from the bed to their workspace. Yet, fast-forward to today, companies are reversing course and pushing the return to the office and on-site meetings, luring workers with promises of the benefits of face time with their boss and employers and sometimes even higher salaries.
A report from LinkedIn shows the number of job openings offering remote work is declining. In March 2022, remote-focused listings accounted for more than 20% of job postings, but that number dropped to 14% in November of that same year.
And still, workers are saying "no” to returning to the office after years of adapting to remote work and proving they can effectively and efficiently complete their jobs from home. Many are refusing to once again get in their cars for long commutes and once again outfit their closets with business wear.
xoNecole spoke to two women about their experience navigating the once remote-friendly environments that are quickly morphing into hybrid or full-time in-office roles.
Dalal
Dalal calls herself a “pandemic cliché.” The journalist left Atlanta with her laptop in hand and returned to her hometown in Chicago at the start of the pandemic, not knowing it would be years before she returned. She moved home to pitch in more, joining the nearly one-fifth of U.S. workers who are caregivers in their families, according to the Rosalynn Carter Institute.
After being at home for nearly two years, she got the call to return to the Atlanta office and found herself reluctant to return. "I started to explore the possibility of staying remote," Dalal shares. "I was immediately offered a job that paid more and was local in Chicago."
Q: Initially, you hesitated about returning to the office but then found an in-office opportunity that on paper, looked too good to pass up and still allowed you to stay in the same city as your family. How did you reconcile going back to the office and the return to the same in-office pressures you had left behind?
A: I lasted three months in that new in-office role before I put in my notice. I actually went back to my previous company and was offered a remote role if I came back as a freelancer. As a freelancer, the pay is lower, there’s less stability, and your salary is solely based on the days you work, and I gave up vacation time. But now, I am able to say “no.” No, when I need to take my mom to a doctor's appointment. No, I don't want to do the 4 a.m. shift. If I had stayed full-time with my steady office job, I wouldn’t have that flexibility.
"Now, I am able to say 'no.' No, when I need to take my mom to a doctor's appointment. No, I don't want to do the 4 a.m. shift. If I had stayed full-time with my steady office job, I wouldn't have that flexibility."
Q: After going from remote to an in-office job and then back to remote, what benefits did you find in remaining WFH?
A: Having that quiet time alone to focus on my position. My quality of work didn’t go down, it went up. Not only can I do this job, but I can do it really well without [the] distractions that come along with the office space where everybody is freaking out about 40 different things. There are people coming to your desk asking for things that are not so immediate, and it gets to the point where you can't really focus on the work.
Working remotely, you can literally turn off your phone, mute team chats, and start to learn to prioritize what is important and what is not.
Anchiy/Getty Images
Q: Are there any regrets about losing or missing out on that in-office experience?
A: You always see job opportunities out there. I could be making so much more if I move to New York or back to D.C. But then, I’ll also be paying $2,400 a month in rent, which I'm not doing now. Then there are the other expenses, during the gas crisis, it would have cost me $3-400 a month. Then there are the silly things, like if I get hungry, I just go make myself a sandwich. Whereas in the office, I’d maybe spend $15 a day on lunch just to have that peace of mind away from my colleagues. Also, there’s the added cost of dressing professionally, which is something I really had to worry about in D.C. that I don't have to worry about at home.
Q: In the push to get workers back in the office, is there anything you feel like employers actually lose out on?
A: During the pandemic, people became available all of the time. Let's say my shift starts at 7 in the morning, but if you text me at 6:30 a.m. I still might respond because the lines are more blurred at home and not as concrete as working an 8-hour shift in the office and going home and turning off your work phone.
Q: We’re seeing massive layoffs and a rapid decline in remote roles. How should other workers approach staying firm with their decision to stay remote?
A: In careers that are focused on status, the next big role, or your next big organization, there's always going to be something for you. Opportunities always evolve. You just have to figure out the balance between what's most important at that point in your life. Be confident in the work that you're doing and your abilities, and constantly put yourself out there. Don’t be scared.
Chelsea
Traditionally, tech workers have had a wealth of access to remote roles even before the pandemic. Today, that dynamic stretches across both occupations and demographics across the board. Flexibility is now in demand, and despite the efforts of employers to win employees back into the physical workplace, Americans are keen to remain at home no matter the cost. A study by Goodhire found that 61% of those surveyed would take a pay cut to maintain remote working status.
xoNecole spoke to a tech professional, Chelsea, an operations project manager, on navigating the now-changing landscape for tech workers who once had the upper hand in remote roles.
Q: What’s your experience been like in tech?
A: I've been remote most of my career with heavy travel, so while I'm not in an office, half the month I'm either on site or in a different city. The tech world crumbled during the pandemic, and I got laid off twice. I ended up taking a great role at the end of 2020 that financially was the most I've ever made.
Q: So you’ve finally landed this incredible role. What happened when the call to go back into the office came?
A: I got anxious. Initially, this company sold the job as a remote role, and then a year in, they said we’re going back into the office.
Q: Wow! So they misrepresented the job? How did you handle going into this role thinking you would be remote and then being called into an office you were never supposed to see the inside of?
A: It's manipulative, but I think that it's going to happen more and more as we get further away from the pandemic. After it was announced we would be going back, I got anxious! I was in a unit that called itself innovative and prided itself by saying they would remain remote. But companywide, there was a mandate to return to the office, and that included my unit.
On top of that, I struggled with connecting with my coworkers. They were all a lot older than me, they were all married and just at a different stage of life, and there wasn't much diversity. So even though I was remote and it was a great role, I was miserable thinking about returning to the office with people I did not connect with.
Maskot/Getty Images
Q: How did you handle essentially being told remote work was no longer an option and you would have to go into the office?
A: I made a bold move and reached out to a company I’d connected with previously but had turned down. I asked if they would still be interested in me as a candidate. They didn’t have anything immediately but eventually made an offer.
Q: How did the new offer compare to your current one?
A: Overall, it was a 25% pay cut, thousands less, and still, it was a no-brainer for me. It has been the best decision that I have made. It was still fully remote, included travel, and the people have been amazing. I have the best connections with my coworkers even though we’ve never met in person, we still hop on Zoom and cackle together. Despite the pay cut, I’m happy with my choice.
"It was a 25% pay cut, thousands less, and still, it was a no-brainer for me... Despite the pay cut, I'm happy with my choice."
Q: For many, the idea of a pay cut is taking a step back. What were the conversations you had surrounding your decision?
A: My partner is very big on negotiating and not making lateral moves, so it didn’t make sense to him. But this role is a better fit all around, and even though it's less money, you can’t buy happiness.
Q: You accepted a pay cut to remain remote. Why was that important for you?
A: Flexibility! On my calendar today, I blocked off two hours. You know what it's for? A kindergarten graduation. Going back into the office, I would have had to take PTO or check in and let everyone know where I was going and when I would be back. Now, I just put a block on my calendar that says I’m not available. I can work from out of town or go out of the country, and as long as I have my laptop and my phone, I can still get my work done.
On top of that, it’s the realization that eight hours sitting at a desk is not the most productive for me. Sometimes I’m more productive after the traditional hours of 9-5, and being remote gives me that flexibility.
Q: Like so many others, you found yourself at a company that walked back their initial remote policy. Has this new company expressed that they, too, will go that route?
A: We’re a national company with locations across the country, and everyone, including leadership and central team members, work remotely. The only way I go into an office now is when it’s my choice, and I’ve been very frank with my boss that if it was a set requirement to come into the office, I would find another job. I don’t ever see my company going back in the office, and it’s a plus because it allows for a wider pool of talent, and we all bring different ideas and experiences to the team.
Q: What advice can you offer on having the confidence to make choices that not everyone agrees with when it comes to your career and staying in a remote role?
A: I would say, “Don't focus on one single career.” Every kind of career path has remote work, not just tech. Ultimately don't be afraid to leave.
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How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
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Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
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Featured image courtesy
8 Semi-Uncomfortable Things That MUST Be Discussed Before Marriage
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It’s a saying that virtually all of us have heard before, and yet, isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to things like marriage, far too many people are reactive instead of proactive? Take premarital counseling, for example. If folks are doing it at all (and not nearly enough are, trust me), they tend to wait until after they have gotten engaged and even set a date.
Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
A few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
Although I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
You know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
Anyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
When you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
Something else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
In interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
A quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
___
There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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