

This is something that I've been wanting to write about for a while now. There are a few reasons why too. One is that I grew up hearing that happiness is an emotion — and a fleeting one at that; that's why the focus should actually be more on being in a state of joy. Secondly, I can't tell you how many times I have looked a husband or wife in the eye as they told me they were leaving their marriage — not because of infidelity or abuse; it was simply because "I'm not happy anymore" (more on that in a bit). And three, I also can't tell you how many times a day will go by without me hearing or reading some variation of "do whatever makes you happy". LAWD.
Am I anti-happiness? That would be borderline ridiculous. What I will say, though, is because this is a topic that isn't addressed nearly enough (at least, in my opinion), I do think that happiness has become an idol for a lot of people — one that is causing a lot of folks to lose sight of what should be more important: being healthy. Holistically so.
So, let's knock it out. I've got six reasons why this obsession with being happy all of the time should be redirected into getting and staying healthy. Even if that means not always being happy in order to get there. And while that might sound like a concession at first, trust me, this kind of life approach is a great flex. Here's why.
1. A Ton of Toxic Ish Can Make You “Happy”
Shellie Reneè Warren? If there is one thing that she — who is I — is all about is a good orgasm. And y'all, when I was out here throwing my legs back, something that made me extremely happy was sex. Not just sex with any man but a fine, chocolate, and super tall Black one who had a real freaky side. And y'all, while we were in the newness of the situationship or while we were having sex, I was extremely happy. Oh, but when the positive sign on a pregnancy test, when I had to go to the doctor to treat chlamydia when I found out that some of them were lying to me for weeks or months on end — do I need to go on? — none of that made me very happy at all. And the unhappiness? It typically lasted longer than the happiness did.
That said, a definition of happiness is "pleasure." You know, when my father was drunk or high, he used to say that made him happy. He's gone now. Intentional overdosing from substance abuse did it.
Point is, do you know how much toxic BS out here can make you temporarily happy and yet not be good for you at all? So many spouses that I've worked with have cheated on their partner with someone who, according to them, "makes them happy". Yet what they are really saying is the person brought them pleasure. Noted. Still, at what cost? Making decisions solely based on what tickles your fancy at any given time isn't a sign of maturity — it's actually quite the opposite. While pleasure is cool, it shouldn't be a main motivator in why you do — or don't do — what you do. Mostly because, like an orgasm or a high, it's very momentary.
This brings me to my next point.
2. Happiness Is Temporary and Circumstantial
If you're currently in a serious relationship and are contemplating marriage (check out "Please Be Clear On These 7 Things Before Getting Engaged"), I'm gonna just put it right on out there and say that if your main reason for doing so is because your man "makes you happy", you should definitely pump the brakes.
For one thing, it's too much pressure on anyone to expect them to make you happy. You need to figure out how to do that for yourself because humans (including the love of your life) are fallible which means they are going to disappoint you from time to time which means that there will be times when you are totally unhappy with them. Next, happiness is fickle AF. It's totally based on circumstances and since circumstances are constantly subject to change, that means relying on them to make you happy all of the time is futile.
Again, this is a very valid reason for why so many marriages don't last. Folks don't take all of what I just said into account, so the moment that they aren't delighted in someone, ecstatic over the relationship or in a state of bliss about their commitment, they take that as their cue to bounce and find someone else who will get them back to their "happy place". Problem is, eventually the next person will disappoint them too. Now what?
Is it wonderful when you can feel happy about your life? Sure. Know what's better? When you can understand that like all things in this world, happiness has peak moments and also times when it's not nearly as present. That way, you won't find yourself making poor choices, all because you're chasing the happiness feeling rather than doing what's actually best, long-term, for you. And speaking of that…next point.
3. “Happy” Can Be Rooted in Selfishness and Irresponsibility
Most of y'all know that I am a marriage life coach which is why marriage examples are what I provide a lot. For this particular point — whew. There is a former client of mine who cheated on her husband (among a lot of other things), her husband wanted to make things work anyway, she filed for divorce and then a few months later, she came to me about wanting to reconcile with him. We did over a year of counseling, they got married again and then, after a few years, she filed again (this chick). Her reason? She wasn't "happy" anymore. And as if that wasn't draining enough, a few weeks after the divorce, she came to her ex-husband talking about wanting to get married for the third time. Hmph. I'm pretty sure you can just about guess what her ex had to say about that.
Twice, this woman blew up her family (they've got kids). Yet because she's so addicted to "feeling happy", she didn't care. In fact, she's so self-consumed, immature and irresponsible that she allows her emotions to sway her like a kite on a windy day — whatever she thinks will make her happy at any given time, that's what she wants to do, regardless of how her choices will affect other people.
Self-aware and emotionally mature people know that sometimes, you've gotta do things that don't make you happy. How do I know? I mean, does going to work every day always make you happy? Does paying bills always make you happy? Does doing things for others when you'd rather focus on yourself always make you happy? No. That doesn't change the fact that they are still the right and responsible things to do. That doesn't change the fact that you know that you need to overlook your current feelings about what needs to be done, so that you can feel more content in the long run.
Oftentimes, happiness is so euphoric that it doesn't care about using foresight. That's why it's far more beneficial, in the long run, to allow healthy rather than happy to be your guide.
And this brings us to my next point.
4. “Healthy” Can Help You to Make Wiser Decisions
A part of the reason why I'm so passionate about this topic is because, I know that the moment when I started saying to myself, "Forget what makes me happy. What will make and then keep me healthy?", the quality of my life, overall, drastically began to improve. That's because, rather than looking for the people, places, things and ideas that solely brought me pleasure, I sought out what would help me to achieve being what healthy, by definition, does.
To be healthy is to be sound. To be healthy is to be mentally strong. To be healthy is to be energetic, stable and powerful. To be healthy is to have a full life.
Now just think about it. If all you're looking for is what can bring you pleasure (one definition of that is "frivolous entertainment", by the way), can you see how that could result in you ultimately making all sorts of impulsive and/or reckless decisions? On the other hand, when you're out to do what makes your mind, body and spirit healthy, can you see how that can totally shift your energy and focus? By doing what makes you healthy, that can bring you so much more than temporary happiness; it can cultivate lasting joy. Next point.
5. “Healthy” Typically Lasts Longer
Interestingly enough, one definition of happiness is contentment. To me, I think this is the spiritual approach to the word because you've got to be in a pretty good space, spiritually, to even understand what it means to be content and how to embrace it as a total life goal. To be content is to be "satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else" — and geeze, how many people do you know who live like this?
For the record, being content isn't about being stagnant (check out "6 Questions To Ask Yourself To See If You're Stagnant (Or Not)"). Being content isn't about settling either. However, it does mean that you are not out here, refusing to take accountability for the choices and commitments that you've made — whether personally or professionally — just because you "feel" like it.
Contentment is about being "adult enough" to understand that always looking for immediate gratification or the next thing to tickle your fancy isn't the wisest way to move. Contentment reminds us all to think ahead and factor in as many outcomes as possible when it comes to the decisions that we make; it reminds us that it's not solely about what will make us feel good now but what will be the smartest thing to do that will last for the duration.
And when you approach things from this angle, you've got a far greater chance of your marriage, your relationships, your money, your health…I could go on and on, being in a solid and stable state for years to come. One more point.
6. There’s Growth in Being Happy About Getting Healthy
While in an interview not too long ago, someone asked me what I thought a sign of true internal evolution is. My reply was, "When you can learn to want what you need, you have truly evolved." Something about children is they couldn't care less about wanting their needs. In fact, it's almost like they see their needs as their nemesis. Teenagers are quite similar because they think they are so "grown" that they know what is best for them and oftentimes, whatever that is, it still falls into the "want" category.
However, when you've really become an adult — and by that, I mean more mature not just older — you really do start to take note of what is the right thing for your overall health and well-being. And, whatever THAT is, it is what you start getting "happy" about…because you know that it will be as good for you as it has the potential to be good to you (check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?").
I already know. This was a "big girl panties" kind of piece. Yet I can guarantee that if you start shifting your focus from happy to healthy, you really will make smarter choices which can help you to become full of lasting joy in the long run. Maybe not immediately but definitely eventually — and that's a good thing. For you. Literally.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Social Media Has A 'Man's First Love' Theory. I Asked 10 Guys About It.
Let me just put it right on out there and say that my first love and I couldn’t be more ridiculous — and yes, ridiculous is absolutely the right word. Ever since 1993, when we first laid eyes on each other in a friend’s dorm room, it’s been a series of situations, experiences, run-ins, phone calls, declarations — over and over and over again with the latest one actually being about a year ago.
We both happened to be in a part of Nashville, debating about which restaurant to go to, literally debating between the same two, only to ultimately run into each other…again. Googly-eyed and flirting…AGAIN.
This is an intro, so I don’t have a lot of time to get into why marrying someone who has been married before will absolutely never be an option for me (unless they are a widow) and honestly, because neither one of them has yet to jump a broom, I think that’s why there is still a part of us who romanticizes the notion that life may someday cultivate another chance for us. I don’t know — I’ve been humbled enough by his fineness and our undeniable chemistry to not pull a Brandy and “never say never” anymore (some of y’all will catch that later — LOL).
For now, I’ll just say that I’m only sharing all of this because of something that he — and many other men in my world over the course of my life — has said to me before: “I’ve only really loved you and one other woman”…and trust me, there have been MANY, so that statement is…something.
That’s why the man’s first love theory, something that has been generating quite a bit of chatter on social media these past few months, has intrigued me so. Because, even as a woman, I believe that men don’t “fall in love with love” that often. Not only that but, contrary to a lot of rambling gibberish that I oftentimes see on TikTok and Instagram, I also believe that when easily 80 percent of men genuinely love a woman, they take it far more seriously than they are given credit for.
Y’all don’t have to take my word for it, though. Let’s first unpack what the “theory” is all about and then hear what 10 men have to say about it all.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people can speak freely*
First, What Is the “Man’s First Love” Theory?
@jayoffline♬ original sound - JB
Honestly, what this guy just said pretty much covers the theory in a nutshell: once a man has experienced true love for the first time, it’s hard for him to ever fully shake it. Okay, but what intel is there to support this notion beyond his post?
Well, a USA Today article on the topic said that this could be true due to the fact that since men are typically not encouraged to process their emotions in the same way that women are, that could be why their first love oftentimes has such a lasting impact on them. Beyond that, I once watched a social media post where a man said that since men are called to provide and protect and women expect men to do that, men love women like they do their daughters while women love men like they do their fathers — and since fathers are (mentally and emotionally) expected to die before daughters, that’s why men and women process love differently in the sense that women can see love ending and surviving it while men? Not so much. Pretty deep, right?
And I mean, the mere fact that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women? That may help to prove that perspective to be pretty accurate (just sayin’). There’s also scientific research that says women tend to experience love more than men and that women tend to “fall out of love” before men do, although, interestingly enough, men reportedly “fall in love” faster than women and say “I love you” three times quicker (bet y’all didn’t see that last part coming).
What do I think personally? Well, I do think that women are oftentimes more relationship-minded and driven than men which makes sense when you think about the fact that we have a strong nurturing gene within us — and because of that, we’re probably more intentional about having a serious relationship and even more resilient should said-relationship come to an end.
On the flip side, I have talked to so many men about this topic over time that I will stand 10 toes down that I think that when it comes to real, genuine, and lasting love, most men probably have three of those max: their first love, their wife and perhaps someone in between or after (should the marriage end).
That’s just my thoughts on all of this, though. And so, I decided to actually ask 10 guys — guys with different relationship statuses — to share with me what they think about the man’s first love theory…based on what they believe and how they now feel about their own first love.
Here’s what they had to say.
1. Elijah. 29. Single.
“I was late to the game when it comes to love. My first love was in college and she almost ruined my life. Not because she was a bad person — I just had never felt that way about anyone, so it was hard for me to focus on school, I was thinking about changing my plans to follow her around the country and I was even losing some of who I was to make the relationship work. Social media will have you thinking that men don’t know how to love when the truth is that when we fall, we fall hard and if it was painful, we’re just not in a rush to do it again. We’re capable. We just don’t want to be martyrs.”
2. Ian. 30. Engaged.
“My first love was my high school sweetheart. It wasn’t until I got with my fiancée now that I realized that I really did compare every woman after [my first love]to her. That wasn’t fair or even healthy but until her, I had never really seen women on such an ‘all in’ way and, since she broke up with me, it’s not like I had wanted the love to end. Men don’t just not forget their first love, the way that they look at other women is influenced by her. Guys who deny that are lying.”
3. Yosef. 25. Dating.
“The timing of this conversation is strange because I’m wondering if I’m about to have a first love now. I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and even though it’s not serious and there is no title, I can’t get her off of my mind. In high school, there was nothing serious. In college, things stayed casual because I was focused on getting out. Now, I’m ready to consider a relationship and this girl has me seeing women really differently. It’s wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Is that what having a first love is like?”
4. Claude. 45. Married.
“My first love experience is something that I still try to figure out because my actual first love and my wife are very different women — and when I met my wife, it made me wonder if my first love was the real thing. It’s not because I don’t think that my first love experience wasn’t real or even valid but the way I feel about my wife is so much more. I guess what I will say is, if nothing else, men will always be impacted by their first love — and if it was a good situation, they will be grateful that it happened.”
5. Mykal. 33. Single.
“I totally agree with the theory that men don’t fall in love often. For what? What women don’t think about is, once we love you, we don’t have plans to leave. That’s why many men have stories of things that they put up with, too often and too long, because what comes with our love is loyalty. First loves can make or break us — that’s how crucial they are. Only women would challenge that. Guys know.”
6. Jackai. 37. In a Serious Relationship.
“My first love broke my heart and that had me on the war path for a long time. I don’t think women get that once we love you, we see you as perfection and don’t even consider that you will do something that will change that. Once it happens, it shakes us to where either we avoid relationships or we keep things very shallow and surface. While y’all are talking about all we think about is sex, what usually is happening is a guy who is still trying to get over his ex.”
7. Dorian. 39. Dating.
“Funny, because I just talked to my first love recently. Whenever either one of us makes a big life decision, we reach out to update each other. I think it’s because, when we were together, we consulted each other a lot. Anyway, I think that answers your question: men are connected to their first love, one way or another. It’s a space that no one can really compete with. That’s just the way it is.”
8. Franklin. 28. Single.
“Whenever I think about my first love, I’m pissed. She cheated on me and I never saw that coming. It has taken me a long time to believe that all women aren’t like her because when you tell a woman that you love her and she says it back, you don’t even comprehend that she could hurt you. Women don’t get how serious men are about love when it happens…that’s why it doesn’t happen a lot.”
9. Cael. 42. Married.
“I’m lucky to say that I married my first love. It took us forever to get to that point because we’ve known each other since our freshman year in college. We dated for a year and broke up. After graduation, she moved away and got engaged while I dated someone for a few years. We always stayed in touch and when she ended her engagement, we talked more often. I always compared other women to her because she’s my favorite person. We’ve been married for eight years now. Marrying your first love is a pure experience.”
10. Westyn. 30. In a Serious Relationship.
“Your first introduction to anything is going to make up the fabric of who you are. How much you allow that to change you is a choice. A lot about how we love is a choice. But to say that a first love isn’t in the top five as far as life-altering matters? How could it not be? It teaches you about love for the first time. I don’t think any human, not just men, can forget something like that.”
____
You know what I appreciated so much about these answers? It’s because each man expressed that, yes, love is a very real thing to and for them, and their first time learning about it in a romantic way, it did indeed transform them on some level.
And that’s why, personally, I don’t think that the man’s first love theory is a mere theory at all. Men do love — and they love pretty hard whenever it happens. Especially when it transpires for the first time.
As you just saw.
“Theory” proven.
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