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Still Don't Know Your Purpose? Answer These 7 Questions.
I’m pretty sure that at least once in your life, you’ve heard the ever-so-popular Mark Twain quote that says, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” Your birthday? That’s a given. However, when it comes to knowing, without hesitation, what you were put on this planet, for such a time as this, to do, did you know that only 25 percent of individuals say that they do?
Nevermind the fact that studies indicate that knowing what your purpose is will help you to live a longer and healthier life; if you don’t know what you’re here for, that can make another definition of purpose very challenging: setting goals and achieving the things that you really wish to accomplish.
Questions To Ask Yourself To Find Your Purpose
So, what do you do if you find yourself being in the majority in the sense that, even if you have a pretty good job and/or hobbies that you enjoy, deep down, you still feel like you don’t know what your purpose is? First, some quotes:
- “Find a purpose to serve, not a lifestyle to live.” (Criss Jami)
- “Make your work to be in keeping with your purpose.” (Leonardo da Vinci)
- “What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question.” (Margaret Atwood)
And with that framework now laid, as someone who is happy to be among the 25 percent, let me share seven questions that, from my own experience, have helped to confirm to me what my own purpose is — my own “why” when it comes to me being born.
Ask yourself the following 7 questions to find your purpose:
1. What Brings You Peace?
I’ve been studying Hebrew for many years now. It’s interesting because something that my mother used to tell me is I’m violent about my peace and my healing (and yes, it’s a play on words by design). Hmph. Maybe that’s why I like the Scripture in the Bible where Christ says, “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword” (Matthew 10:34), and then it goes on to explain certain relationships that needed to be separated for the sake of spiritual evolution and transformation.
Anyway, because I am such a fan of peace (and Hebrew culture; Christ was a Jew, after all — Matthew 27:11), I know that the Hebrew word for it is “shalom.” I also know that it also means things like wholeness, prosperity, and security and that it also speaks to walking in agreement with others (bookmark that). All of this is why I thought that there was no better question to lead this all out with than to sit and ask yourself, “What brings me peace? What makes me feel whole and secure? And what could I do to ultimately bring me prosperity without compromising my peace of mind in the process?”
That last part is a real doozy when you factor in that, reportedly, 85 percent of people hate their job. SMDH. If you take this purpose-related question literally and seriously, could that mean that close to 9 out of 10 people are NOT spending most of their waking hours fulfilling their purpose? Have mercy.
2. What Complements Your Personality?
The word “complement” basically means something that completes you. Completion is all about “feeling whole” and “lacking nothing.” With that said, the Hebrew meaning of my name is “Mine; Belonging to Me,” which is basically what Ezekiel 16 references which is why it’s like an anchor text or mission statement for me:
“’When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,’ says the Lord God.” — Ezekiel 16:8(NKJV)
My mother said that when she was carrying me, her plans were to name me Ryan, whether I was a boy or a girl. Then, when I came out, she said that God told her to name me “Shellie” instead. When I look back over my life and how so much of it consists of covenant work — marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath (Exodus 20:8-11 and Hebrews 4) is what I write, speak, and teach on easily 80 percent of the time — I believe her. And you know what? Pretty much all of my 30s and 40s have consisted of me doing something that is tied to those things. I’m a marriage life coach. I’m a doula. I write about sex and relationships. I used to tour with an organization that got people out of the porn industry. I used to be a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit. The list goes on and on.
Know what else? Every single gig that I’ve had (including this one at xoNecole) has not asked me to compromise my delivery, my perspective, my qualities — my personality. I mean, even with my first two published books, the publishers came to me. It’s only been when I’ve tried to make myself fit into something that it’s been counterproductive and draining — and oftentimes, “it” wanted me to sacrifice my purpose and passion by altering my personality in order to do it. Red flag…RED FLAG.
So yeah, that’s something else that you need to factor in. Since purpose means “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.,” what sense would it make for you to be out here trying to make stuff happen while acting like someone you’re not…while abandoning the core traits that make you…YOU?
3. What Doesn’t Feel Like (Grueling) Work?
Do I have days when I open my eyes, look up at the ceiling, and find myself on some, “I absolutely do not feel like banging on my laptop’s keyboard” or “If one more person hits me up about their problems today, chile…”? Yes. I’m human. And because a lot of my work consists of getting all up into the psyche of humanity, it can be exhausting at times. However, do I ever feel like my work is toilsome or grueling? I can honestly say that not one day in my life has that been the case.
Now, do I have moments when I am not in the best of moods? Yeah, but that’s not purpose-related; that’s because I didn’t eat right, get enough sleep, or honor the boundaries that I set so that folks don’t have me out here running on fumes. Yet when it comes to my purpose, overall, though, it excites me, I’m always doing more reading and research on it, and I feel honored that I would be given the kind of work that I do — that I was created for. It feels like a perfect fit to the point where I am still learning to become financially wiser when it comes to what I charge (especially when it comes to my coaching services) because it really is true that when you do what you adore, it oftentimes doesn’t feel like “work” at all.
That said, what do you find yourself doing, even if it’s only in your leisure time, that doesn’t feel like work at all? It doesn’t feel like work AND you know that it is benefitting you and other people at the same time in some way.
This brings me to the next question.
4. What Do You Get Complimented About Often?
It’s kind of hilarious how “fist in the air” I am (the real ones know what I mean by that) vs. how many white clients I have. Some of them are really white, too — like evangelical white (if you know, you know, chile). If you add that I’ve never been married before (some of us use discernment to avoid being a divorce statistic; real talk), I’m pretty sure you get that many are quite skeptical…initially. That is, until we get a few sessions in, and then there are affirmations galore; no joke.
For instance, a white couple who I’ve been working with for about a year now came to Nashville for a marriage conference. The next time we met (I meet with them separately for now), the husband and wife said to me, “We couldn’t get over how many times we said, ‘Shellie has said that before.’ You really do have a gift.”
It’s another message for another time that a gift is something you naturally have while a talent tends to be an ability that you have to refine (for instance, my brother has the gift of singing while I have a talent for it) yet, I think that the fact that I also study marriage as if my life depended on it, that helps to give me some additional insight and knowledge that even a lot of married folks don’t have (because a lot of people don’t look deeply into marriage let alone marriage as a covenant) — and so, when I share what I’ve learned, compliments come.
That’s why this particular question makes the list. What is something that you do that generally comes with great ease for you that folks think you are amazing at? Another example, is my godchildren’s mom (I see you, Rissi!) recently got shouted out on this platform. People are moved by her singing all of the time, yet she underestimates how good of one she is. A part of it is due to her super beautiful level of humility; another is because…it’s her gift. It comes naturally to her, so it can be difficult for her to grasp why/how it moves so many others.
Your purpose? Whenever you discover what it truly is, you’ll be able to relate to all of what I’m saying. People will be constantly giving you props around a certain thing and you’ll be wondering why. It’s because you were created to do something in a way that no one else can — or ever will. And others recognize it…almost as if you’re moving in supernatural ways (and you just might be).
5. What Spiritually Transforms You?
Although I think that all of these questions are super essential, if you don’t get anything else out of this read, GET THIS: your purpose is designed to spiritually transform you…for the better. Now, does this mean that everyone who is in their purpose is spiritually maturing? Nope. You can look at the entertainment industry, for instance, and know that isn’t true. At the same time, though, if you believe in a Higher Power and you are doing something with your life that has you suffering spiritually in the process, that is a clear sign that something is out of serious alignment because your Creator wouldn’t create you to abandon your spirit just to get something accomplished. To abandon your spirit is to be distracted from fully fulfilling your purpose in life.
And while we’re here, for the record, when I say “spiritual,” I don’t mean religious (check out “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?”). I mean your spirit in the sense of your intellect, emotions, passions, and creativity — because all of those things help to make up your spirit. For me, whether I’m working with a married couple, helping to birth a child, or writing an article like this one, there’s not a time when I don’t walk away from the work that I’m doing not feeling like I have been stretched, I’ve had a significant ah-ha moment, or I have been changed in some significant way — that my spirit (my intellect, emotions, passions, and creativity) has not experienced all of that.
Back in the day, I had some jobs that brought home a paycheck, yet never really did any of this — and that’s a big part of how I knew that they had nothing to do with my life’s work: MY PURPOSE. See, one thing that a lot of people miss when it comes to discovering what their purpose is is you will experience life-altering exponential growth when you are living it out. If that’s not happening for you, something is…off.
6. What Can Your Mind, Body and Spirit Get on the Same Page About?
I have several different email accounts. The one that is tied to this platform, if you were to email me and I replied from my phone, you would (at the time of this article first being published) see a signature that I made up: “If your mind, body and spirit are not all in agreement…pause.”
Back when I wrote my first book, my editors wouldn’t let me say “human trinity” because they were a Christian publisher and thought that it was sacrilegious. Uh-huh (insert eye roll here). Nevermind the fact that trinity isn’t even a word that’s found in the Bible (the Godhead speaks of a holy three-ness; I John 5:8), I know what the word literally means: “a group of three” or “a state of threefold.” And, because I believe that the mind, body, and spirit are what make up each human, that’s why I call those three the “human trinity.”
Okay, so remember how I said earlier that one thing that being at peace means is walking in agreement? Another sign that you are living out your purpose is your mind, body, and spirit will all be in agreement with one another; meaning, not one part of your own trinity will feel like it has to compromise itself for you to fulfill the goals and intentions that are directly tied to your purpose.
Listen, when I’m out here doing my purpose thing, it’s when I feel the most mentally clear, the most physically energized, and the most spiritually balanced. It’s like all three parts of me fuel each other to keep going — and there is no feeling like it. It’s truly divine.
To tell you the truth, this particular point? When it comes to just about every choice you make — if your mind isn’t aligned with your body and spirit, if your body isn’t aligned with your mind and spirit, or if your spirit isn’t aligned with your mind and body, take a moment to do some meditating, praying and/or journaling why. More times than not, what you’re experiencing is a message that is encouraging you to slow down and rethink (or retrace) some of your steps. It’s a cheat code like no other.
7. Can You Break It Down in "Threes"?
Last question. Sometimes, my life coaching expands to people looking for answers about their purpose or what to do with it. When it does, something that I share is a sign that you know what your purpose is, is that you’re able to explain it in three words or three phrases. Me? I already shared mine: marriage, sex, and the Sabbath. Quick. Clear. Concise. And you know what? When you know that you know something, that is just how your answers should be. So, if you know your purpose, the answer will come quickly to you as well, and you’ll be able to articulate it in a way that is very easy for people to understand. If this is not the case, keep working on it until it is.
____
Aight y’all, I started all of this with three quotes, so I will end it the same way:
- “People don’t buy WHAT you do, they buy WHY you do it.” (Simon Sinek)
- “Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction.” (John F. Kennedy)
- “When you walk in purpose, you collide with destiny.” (Ralph Buchanan)
Out of all of the things that you prioritize in life, short of your relationship with God, NOTHING should come before your purpose because, again, it means “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” So, in the midst of all of the things that are currently on your plate, if deep down, you know that you’re not sure what your purpose is yet, take this as a blaring sign that it’s time to MAKE TIME and to remain committed to discovery until you know what it is.
A wise person once said that wisdom lies in the right questions before the answers. Hopefully, these will help to get you to where you need to be: walking in your purpose. FULFILLING YOUR PURPOSE.
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- What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'? ›
- Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose ›
- 5 Questions To Ask Yourself To Get Clear On Your 2024 Career Goals ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Skylar Marshai Talks Hair Reset With SheaMoisture Bond Repair 'Revive & Thrive' Campaign
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
Skylar Marshai is known for her extravagant style, and her hair is no exception. But now, she’s giving her hair a break and focusing on hair care with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection. “I feel like my hair has always been an extension of my storytelling because I know it's so innately linked to my self-expression that I've been thinking a lot about how my love for crafting my hair into these different forms and shapes has honestly never given it a chance to just be,” Skylar explains.
“So for the next few weeks, I will be wearing my natural hair out.” The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is infused with AminoBlend and HydroPlex technology, scientifically proven to make hair 6x stronger with 84% less breakage by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds (vs. non-conditioning shampoo). That’s why it's the perfect hair reset for Skylar.
“It's been a long, long time since I've worn my natural curls. I haven’t nurtured it in its natural form so I’m scared of breakage, of it being dry, of it being damaged,” she admits. “I do feel like my hair is in good hands because I will be using the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection and it’s known for repairing damaged hair making it smoother, making it stronger like all of these very real concerns I have.”
Thanks to the unique blend of Amino Blend Complex (fortifying amino acids), Amla oil, and fair-trade shea butter used in each product, the hair will become visibly healthier after just one use. That’s because the collection focuses on repairing and reviving dry, damaged hair due to color, protective styles, heat, and more. This 4-step system, which includes Bond Repair Shampoo, Bond Repair Conditioner, Bond Repair Masque, and Bond Repair Leave-in, also enhances weakened hair bonds to reduce future breakage.
Skylar shows us how she uses the collection and it’s giving big, beautiful, healthy hair. “So I think it's gonna be some beauty to allowing my hair to rest,” she says. When it comes to styling, the influencer is “just gonna let Mother Nature do her thing.” Learn more about the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection below.
Step One: Bond Repair Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are infused with the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, Shea Moisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Conditionerdeeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Feature image by @skylarmarshai/ Instagram
I Went To The Spa For A Deep Tissue Massage But Got A 'Happy Ending' Instead
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Q's story, as told to London Alexaundria.
This was a few years ago. It had to be back in '21 because it was during the pandemic. And I work out, so my body is always sore, and normally, I would go to a chain, like a Massage Envy, for the most part. And I got bored with it. I got bored with changing locations. I got bored with changing the therapists.
And so I said, let me try to find something different. So what I did was, and it was like, later on in that evening. So I was trying to find somebody who do late-night massages outside of Jeju (Atlanta spa) and going that far. And so I did, like a simple Google search, just massage therapists that are open. I found one, and it was Black-owned, and it was in a reasonable amount of time. It wasn't too far, like it was less than 45 minutes from where I am. And I decided to give it a chance.
I wasn't looking for anything in particular except to get a really good deep-tissue massage because I was in a lot of pain, and they were open up until midnight, and so I went ahead and booked. I submitted my down payment, and I showed up. And when I showed up, it looked like it was maybe; I don't know if you want to call them; they could resemble homes, but it's like a plaza, I guess. It's his actual business. And when I went in there, it was clean. It was small and quaint, but it was very clean. No issues. And the massage therapist was very nice; very professional.
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He broke everything down for me. I told him my areas that I needed attention on, and then he gave me a few minutes just to get undressed. He said, if I'm comfortable, I can just lay on the table. If I would like to be covered up, just go underneath the cover. You don't have to get completely naked. You can keep your undergarments on if that's what you choose to do. But me, no matter where I'm at, no matter what type of massage I'm getting, I just like to be completely naked. And I just laid on top of the table because it was pretty warm in there. Like, it wasn't too cold, it wasn't too hot, it was just right for me. And so once he came in he got everything situated, he got the music playing, and he just gets to going, and he's massaging me on my back.
I opted for a deep tissue, and he's really focusing on my trigger points. And normally, when I get a massage, naturally, I'm relaxed. Naturally, I might get excited. But this time, it was different, and I think it was just because of the way that he really paid attention to my body. And not only was he good at paying attention to it, it had a certain type of sensualness to it. So I guess you can say it reminds you of something similar to a sensual massage therapist that you might see online, like a TikTok or Instagram. So it was something similar to that. So once he finished with my back, and he started going to my lower back and buttocks area, he went into my inner thighs, and he's doing my inner thighs and my calves. And the more he starts working my inner thighs, the more excited I'm getting.
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I'm getting super wet, but in my head, I'm thinking, okay, play it cool. Just be professional. Keep it going. But the more he kept going up my inner thighs, the more excited I got, and I know he felt how wet I was. The closer he got to my private area, I slowly open my legs up a little bit more so he can get the idea that I'm okay with him just going all the way through. And if you want to give me a happy ending, I'm okay with that too. But he still took his time, still kept massaging. And the more I opened up my legs, the closer he got, and then he had touched me on my vagina area, and I liked it, and I let out like a sigh.
And so he kept going and going and going. And then he didn't stop until I came. And once I came, he just like... it was nothing. Just kept massaging the rest of my body, and he told me to flip over. And when I flipped over, you know, he did the top portion of my body. He did like my temples on my head. He did my décolletage area, like the chest area. And then he did my legs and my feet, you know, on the top side. But then when he went into my inner thighs again, I get excited again, and he does it again, and so I come again, and after that, I'm completely relaxed, and this man is like, your massage is complete.
And I was just stunned, because I've never had that happen before, but it was amazing. And I said I could do this again. But then I started thinking, does he do this often? Or did he do it just because he knew that I was okay with about opening up my legs a bit more, so he knew that it was okay to keep going in that area. And I really didn't ask him, 'cause deep down inside, I didn't care. I just knew that it was something that I was going to keep with me that way if I want to see him again. I still got him in my back pocket, and I did see him again, but we'll save that for another time.
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