
10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins

Something that I try and do, right around this time of the year, is take an inventory of my friendships. Some folks think that it's weird, but I don't care. When you spend enough time working with married couples, and you see in a very up close and personal way that, oftentimes what tends to cause the breakdown of their relationship is either A) they aren't genuinely friends or B) even as friends, they haven't made the time to revisit the needs and expectations that they have, you learn how important taking regular relational inventory actually is. After all, the word "inventory" literally means "to take stock of; evaluate". And why shouldn't you be intentional about evaluating your friendships?
Why do I do it right around this time? There is something about the fall and winter that beckons us to think about where we are in our lives and then ponder how we want to move forward as we prepare to go into the new year. Plus, since a lot of us get to take at least a couple of days off during the holidays, this is also a good time to schedule in some quality time with the homies to make sure that everything's good.
A wise person once said, "A true friend accepts who you are, but also helps you become who you should be." If you want to make sure that you and your friends are doing these things for one another, use these final few weeks of the year to get clarity by asking the following 10 questions—and by allowing your friends to ask you these questions as well. I've done it. It's quite revelatory and beneficial. It definitely helps to bring new light and great insight into where things stand—and that's always a good thing.
1. Are You Happy with Where Things Are?
The reason why I semi-recently penned "What If You Love Your Friend...But Don't Like Her Anymore?" for the site is because, you'd be amazed how many people are stressed out over what to do about some of their friendships because that is exactly how they feel. They love their friend(s), but they don't like them very much (anymore). Once they allow that reality to simmer, either one of two things typically ends up happening—either a huge fight (and by "fight", I mean fall out) occurs, or they end up ghosting the individual.
I've been ghosted by a close friend before. It took me a while to heal from the experience, so personally, I'm not a fan of it. I feel like things can be handled so much better if some communication transpires. More importantly, proactive communication. That's why I recommend asking your friends if they are happy with where your friendship with them currently is. Not if it's perfect because it ain't, but if, overall, they find joy in the connection and contentment in the relationship. If they are, the rest of these questions will basically be a breeze. If they're not, there's no time like the present to hear why they're not so that you can see if anything can be done to change that.
2. What Can I Do to Strengthen the Trust Between Us?
My friends know that, when it comes to the things that I am convicted on, I'm a pretty black-and-white individual; that I see very little grey. I am fine being that way; it's a part of my core. But where I realize that I had to grow was accepting that everyone is not like me; that our perspectives and experiences can result in us coming to different conclusions on various matters. So, while my friends know that I'm loyal when it comes to keeping their business private and holding them down, I had to strengthen the trust bond by making them feel like they could come to me whether I agreed with what they were saying or doing or not. That, they didn't have to worry about feeling berated or attacked for expressing their own journey—even during the times when they knew they deserved better. I had to work on becoming a safer place and space.
When someone trusts you, it means they are confident in knowing that they can rely on you. When the trust between two people is solid, there is very little that they can't get through together. Trust is something that is ever-evolving. It can never hurt to ask your friends what you can do to make the integrity of your bond with them even stronger.
3. What Are the Strengths and Weaknesses in Our Friendship?
This is the kind of question that, if you're an ego maniac or super insecure, it can be hard to hear the answers to. But since one of the purposes of friendship is to help us to become better people, it can benefit you to hear your perceived strengths and weaknesses from the ones who love you most.
Here's why I say that. Recently, I had a rare "fight" with a close friend of mine. She said something, three times in a row, that triggered me to the point that I left her office and went home. I was pissed. Because, in times past, my pride would sometimes cause me to wait until the other person came to me first, and also because I'm working more and more on not letting the sun set on my anger (Ephesians 4:26), I called her as soon as I walked through my door. After a two-hour discussion, we talked about how a strength of mine is stating my needs and how a weakness of mine is sometimes taking out my triggers on the wrong people. I shared that a strength of hers is listening really well and a weakness is not always apologizing when she's wrong.
I'd venture to say that if we hadn't had that chat, we could've had an even bigger blow-up next year. It would be because I wouldn't be using this time to deactivate certain triggers, and she wouldn't be working on acknowledging her offenses. But now that we're both aware, we know how to encourage each other to be better. We know how to build up one another's strengths and help each other to grow where are weaknesses are concerned.
4. What Are Your Triggers? Do I Have a Tendency to Push Them?
On the heels of the last point, while reading an article on emotional triggers, I liked how the author defined them as being, "the surprises that we get when someone we love, or a situation, causes us to have a reaction that we haven't processed yet". When I reflect on my own triggers—and also the triggers of some people that I know—I truly believe that some people have conflict, not because of their relationship, but because they are constantly "triggering" each other. However, once the triggers are brought to the forefront, things are able to balance themselves back out and peace is then restored.
This is why, I most definitely recommend that you and your friends talk about one another's triggers. What they are, where they came from and how to avoid poking at them. Again, there's no telling how many friendships could be spared, just by having this one conversation alone.
5. What Is Something That You Wish We Would Do Together More?
None of us really "have" time in the sense that we're simply twiddling our thumbs and looking for stuff to do. But when you value someone, you find a way to make time for them. No matter what your actual love language may be, all of us need quality time, especially with our close friends. It's a great way to nurture the friendship and, to also be able to spend time together without any distractions.
Something that I like about my friendships is different ones tap into different interests that I have. Yours probably do too. Even if you're only able to get together with your buddies, once a month or, if they live out of town, once a year, be intentional about making plans to hang out. Do something for the first time together. Take a class. Go on a vacation. Do something that reminds you both that, no matter how hectic life gets, you've always got time for each other. And you want to make as many memories together as you possibly can.
6. Do You Think We Make Enough Time for Each Other?
Speaking of time, when you're like me and you're in your 40s and have never been married and you don't have children, sometimes you can find yourself doing most of the work to keep your friendships afloat. At least it can end up being that way until you bring it to the attention of the friends in your life who are married and/or have children. If you're married or a parent and you're reading this, I am confident when I speak for those who don't fit your demographic when I say, "Just because we're not 'your kind of busy', that doesn't mean that we still don't have plenty of ish to do." All people who are living out their purpose do. So, just like you've got to carve out time to hit us up, we've got to do the same.
This was the conversation that I recently had with one of my favorite people on the planet. I had to let her know that, when I looked at my phone, it had been about a month since she rang me, even though we speak a couple of times a week. After I said it, she didn't feel some type of way. She actually acknowledged that she was slipping a bit. Things have been balanced ever since.
Nothing grows when we don't spend time with and on it. And while none of us have a ton of time, for the sake of taking good care of our friendships, it's important that we do our best to make some. More than that, that our friends feel like we are making some just for them.
7. Is There Anything That Bothered You this Year That You’re Holding Onto?
A girlfriend of mine recently told me about how a girlfriend of hers forgot her birthday for the third year in a row. I'm a Gemini and we tend to act like our birthdays are national holidays, so I could definitely feel her pain. When I asked her what bothered her most about it, she said that it was the fact that, prior to three years ago, this particular friend made a huge deal about her special day. So, she felt like it was a passive aggressive way of addressing—or rather, not addressing—some hard conversations that she's had with her ever since her friend got into a toxic relationship.
When I asked my friend if she was going to discuss this with her friend, she said, "No. If she cared, she'd do better." Eh. My take on her resolve is, that's a lot to assume—the passive aggressiveness, the motive behind dropping the birthday ball, and also thinking that she doesn't care. And what's really crazy is her friend may be out here thinking that everything is perfectly fine. Clearly, it's not.
A good article on suppressed emotions brings up a very valid point—"If you don't face suppressed emotions, you'll stay stuck in getting over it mentality, and it'll become impossible for you to heal." If there's something that you're holding onto, tell your friend(s). While you're at it, ask them if they need to get something off of their chest as well. That way, everyone can go into the new year with clarity and a clean slate. No one will have to drag any baggage that came from holding stuff in instead of (respectfully) letting it all out.
8. What Do You Think We Currently Have in Common?
I'm pretty sure you've heard the C.S. Lewis quote that says, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one." Keeping this quote in mind, I've got a male and female friend who I can easily stay on the phone with for hours at a time because we've got so much in common. At the same time, because I'm single, she's married and he's divorced and also because we each live in a different state and do totally different things for a living, our life experiences constantly expose us to new things too.
My girlfriend used to totally consume pop culture; now she's far more into politics. My male friend was a homebody when he was married; now that he's divorced, ole' boy is out there (in about every sense of the word!). As they shift, there are some things that we don't have in common. We're not clones of one another, so that's perfectly fine. But, the reason why I make a point to ask them what they feel that we do have in common is so we can still feel connected via those things, as we give each other the freedom to have other interests with other people too. That way, we don't feel like we're "losing" each other so much as we're celebrating each other's growth and evolution.
9. Are Your Needs Being Met in Our Friendship?
An article that I wrote on the platform that helped me to get my own self free was "Here's Why You KEEP Not Getting What You Need In Your Relationships". One of the reasons why I kept feeling deprived in some of my relationships with people is because I was expecting others to be the kind of friend that I was—to give in the way that I do, to make time in the way that I do, to be proactive in the way that I tend to be. Another key to better relationships is accepting that you are you and others are, well, them.
Once I started to voice my needs more, one of two things started to happen. Either people fell off or they stepped up. Both results were ultimately for my good. That's why, I am a huge encourager of individuals expressing their needs while asking the people in their life what they need from them in return. If the needs can be met, cool. If they can't, well, there's no time like the present to move out of the way so that someone else can—and will.
10. What Can I Do to Support You at this Stage in Your Life?
If all of us are truly taking our gifts, talents and time seriously, we're not in the same place nor are we the same person that we were this time last year. This means that some of our goals, desires and perhaps, even insights have shifted. This also means that what we needed this time last year may be different than what we require now. That is why I'm ending this piece with suggesting that you ask the close friends in your life about how you can support them in this stage and season.
Case in point. This time last year, I didn't have my latest godchild. Watching her mom, one of my dearest friends, transition from one child to two has been remarkable. It has also meant that I've needed to help her in ways that I never had to before.
When it comes to maintaining strong, healthy and thriving friendships, support is actually one of my favorite words. It means to hold up. It means to endure. It means to "withstand without giving way". Just by caring enough to ask the close friends in your life how you can support them, it will convey a level of love and care that is getting rarer by the day. Two people who support each other, in the ways that they need to be supported, are two people who can stand the test of time on the friendship tip.
Y'all, these are the 10 questions that have truly blessed my friendships. I hope they can do the same for you. Whether it's this month or the next, make the time to connect in this way. No matter how the conversation plays out, it'll be for your—and your friends'—ultimate good.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships
10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend
According To Aristotle, We Need 'Utility', 'Pleasure' & 'Good' Friends
Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone "Friend"
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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One of my favorite things to do is kiss. In fact, kissing is so important to me that I once stayed with someone longer than I should’ve, in part, because he was such a good kisser (to the point where I can confirm that “kissing orgasms” are a real thing) and I also once broke up with someone because he absolutely sucked at kissing (ugh). Kissing is sexy. Kissing is sensual. Kissing is intimate.
And science says that kissing can boost endorphin levels in your body; reduce feelings that are associated with stress and anxiety; elevate your immunity; help to lessen allergy-related symptoms; soothe headaches and period cramp discomfort; make you horny (yes, literally), and even decrease your chances of getting cavities.
Yes, kissing is a good thing. A really good thing.
Oh, but as someone who is turning out to be one of my favorite philosophers (Aristotle) once said, the excess of a virtue can indeed turn into a vice — and as far as kissing is concerned, that can prove itself to be true in a way that some may have thought was nothing more than an urban myth: getting STIs (sexually transmitted infections)/STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) from doing it.
Yep, if you heard somewhere that you can get an STI/STD from puckering up, there is indeed some truth to that, so please take a moment to read more about it. That way, you can finally separate fact from fiction.
Bottom Line, Yes…You Can. However, the Risks Are Relatively Low.
Honestly, if you let it sink in that a kiss that lasts for longer than 10 seconds will result in about 80 million bacteria being exchanged, that alone should cause it to make all of the sense in the world that a kiss isn’t something that should be taken as casually as a lot of people do. And although, when it comes to STIs/STDs, it is far easier to transmit them through penetrative or oral sex, the reality is that there are some that can you get via saliva or the mucous membranes that are in your mouth (although infected saliva that is on something like a sex toy makes your chances much lower because STIs/STDs tend to “deactivate” once they are exposed to the air).
And since “low probability” doesn’t mean “absolutely not,” I think we should look into which STIs/STDs could become an issue whenever you go in for a smooch vs. the ones that you don’t really have to concern yourself with at all.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN Get from Kissing
So, here’s the deal: If you happen to have a cut in your mouth or you’ve got a cold sore, that can significantly increase your chances of being exposed to an STI/STD if your partner happens to have one. Which ones am I speaking of specifically?
- Herpes (more specifically, HSV-1)
- Syphilis
- Cytomegalovirus (CMV)
- Human Papillomavirus (HPV)
Now something that’s important to keep in mind about three out of four of these (herpes, CMV, and HPV), is that, although they are very treatable, they currently don’t have a cure. As far as the one that does have one (syphilis), it’s important that it’s discovered and treated in its early stages; otherwise, it can lead to things like weight and hair loss, infertility and, if ignored for too long, it can even become life-threatening.
I don’t know about y’all but, to me, this all sounds like valid enough reasons to be cautious when it comes to who you share your mouth with.
The STIs/STDs That You CAN’T Get from Kissing
Okay, so what STIs/STDs does science say you don’t have to worry about when you’re kissing someone?
- Chlamydia
- Gonorrhea
- Hepatitis
- Trichomoniasis
- HIV
- Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID)
The reason why is because these are all things that are spread through oral, anal, or vaginal sex acts (however, they can oftentimes be asymptomatic, so if you are sexually active, please make sure to get tested no less than once a year). That said, if you do happen to have one of these STIs/STDs, please show courtesy and respect to your partner by letting them know — even if sex isn’t currently on the table for you.
Although research does indeed say that kissing doesn’t put them at risk, they still have the right to decide if they want to move forward with intimacy, of any kind, while these health-related issues are being treated.
5 Ways to Reduce Your Chances of Getting an STI/STD from Kissing
Okay, so now that you can confidently separate what you should actually know (and take to heart) from what you may have randomly heard that couldn’t be further from the truth, if you’re curious about what you can do to decrease your chances of getting an STI/STD from kissing, I’ve got a few tips:
Take kissing seriously. Grandma said don’t put your mouth everywhere and she’s right. In a world that continually tries to gaslight us into thinking that we can (and damn near should) just do whatever with whoever without consequence, as you can see, that’s simply not true — especially when you take into account how wild it is that most of the STIs/STDs that you can get from kissing don’t have a cure.
Moral to this story: Your mouth is as valuable as every other part of your body. It is a privilege to kiss it, so please act accordingly. Oh, and don’t be afraid to ask about people’s sexual health status before letting them put their tongue all up and in your mouth. You know what they say — an ounce of prevention is always gonna be worth a pound of cure (or treatment).
Practice intentional oral hygiene. Hopefully, brushing and flossing on a daily basis are a given. What I mean here is you should look for signs of cold sores, cuts, or lesions in your mouth (including a blister that you may get from a burned tongue) on a weekly basis. If any of these are evident in you or your partner, it’s best to wait to kiss (if you haven’t BOTH recently been tested).
Y’all be careful with all of the sexy biting. Speaking of open wounds (relatively speaking, anyway), although I once read that, according to the Kama Sutra, biting lips while kissing is a sign of strong desire and sexual arousal, it can also leave cuts that could make you more vulnerable to getting sick. So, on this one, enter with caution. Straight up.
Don’t kiss when you’re feeling under the weather. Mono, colds and the flu, COVID-19, stomach viruses — these are some of the other things that you and your partner can give to one another while exchanging a kiss. Since some of the symptoms that are related to these may mimic some that come from an STI/STD, it’s best to not kiss when you are sick — not until you can confirm what you have and (preferably) the symptoms have passed.
Get tested on a regular basis. The only way that you are going to know for sure that kissing is a low-risk behavior for you and your partner is if you both get tested. If you’d prefer to do it from the comfort, convenience, and privacy of your own home, there are STI/STD tests that you can have sent to you (like the ones here, here, and here). They aren’t necessarily the cheapest in the world, yet they are pretty darn accurate and can give you the peace of mind that you seek.
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Listen, I am Team Kissing just as much as the next person. However, whenever I stop to think about all that goes on in a mouth, I thought it was important that you become aware as well. As I said earlier, a good kiss is pretty incomparable. Let’s all just make sure that we leave kisses better and not worse off after experiencing them — literally and figuratively.
Amen? I’m sayin’.
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