"God told me I took you as far as you could go. Your parents didn't really teach you how to deal with life-situations," he said over the phone, while I cried on my childhood bed. "Now you can go back to living with mommy and daddy."
I was twenty-five years old, had lost my "dream job" and broke the lease on my first "big girl" apartment. I moved back to Houston after living for nearly two years in a small town where I tried to create an independent life from my parents and form a long-term future with my on-and-off again boyfriend of nearly six years.
I was broke and depressed. I didn't eat and I barely slept. My clothes began to fall loose on my figure because I had lost so much weight. My bank account was in the red. My gas tank was on E. My life was like a bad soap opera, but I had created it.
After that last conversation with my boyfriend at the time, I never heard from him again. I kept hope alive because he said he still loved me and saw a future with me; I just needed to get mentally well. Of course, in my fragile state, I took that as a definite sign that he still cared and we would be back together in the future once I worked on myself.
I called multiple times and left several text messages. I even reached out on social media. He subsequently blocked my number and blocked me from all social media channels. I felt like an outcast. To know someone as more than a best friend, to see all aspects of them good and bad and then to become a stranger is the worst type of poison.
I felt that pain in my core and it took me months to cognitively realize that he was doing to me like he did with all of his previous relationships before me; he ghosted me.
With the support of more-than-generous friends and family, I repaired my self-esteem and focused on building my businesses as well as pursuing a Master of Business Administration. I found my zeal for life again. I found my inner confidence and embraced my quirks. I fell in love again with a man that valued me and saw himself building a future with me. I had discovered the secure, vibrant and ambitious girl I knew was hiding within the broken woman.
In the throes of a toxic relationship, you keep yourself above the current. You believe in your soul that no matter what harsh trials are thrown at you, love is still greater than hardship. You are unaware that you are a moment from crashing and being taken under. Once you come to your senses, you realize you were choking on all of the lies and being gaslighted. You realize you could have drowned and never recovered.
In realizing how blessed I was to come out of the other side, here are six things I realized over the course of an almost six-year toxic relationship:
You Can’t Depend on Others for Your Happiness
GiphyMy ex-boyfriend was my first love. I was nineteen, inexperienced and naive. I had never had a boyfriend before and I thought being in a relationship would make me feel complete. I used to envy my friends that got gifts on Valentine's Day and as I got older, I envied their engagement rings. I depended on my ex-boyfriend to make me happy, even as I saw it made him miserable. As he strived to provide happiness for me, it ate away at his own happiness.
We were young and not even sure how we identified ourselves in this vast and often cold world. As a young woman, I searched for examples on how to act and as a young man, he looked to what he knew. I internalized his personal failings with other women and used that to define my worth as a woman. I craved his validation to make me happy. I desired elaborate gifts and fancy dinner dates to prove that I was where his heart lay -- at the cost of my self-esteem. When he ghosted me, I had to deal with my own personal problems. I was forced to make myself happy. I realized how unfair it was to blame him continuously for his misgivings and hold him hostage in a relationship that he obviously did not value.
It Takes Two to Make a Relationship Toxic
GiphyOften times, we try to blame the other person for a toxic relationship. The problem is that it takes two to make a relationship toxic. I was the first to talk to all my girlfriends and paint this vivid picture of how horrible my ex was: how he still communicated with a girl he cheated on me with; acted ashamed of me around his college friends; made fun of my insecurities and body-shamed me. The details I left out are how I would sometimes start arguments over past transgressions; make fun of how he looked and compare him to other men.
I remained in a toxic relationship, even though I had agency over my decisions.
I chose to ignore advice and stick with someone that made me miserable just to say I was in a relationship.
You are Nobody’s Baby Sitter or Mama
I loaned my ex a lot of money while he was a struggling teacher. I gave him $1,400 when his car faced repossession and hundreds of dollars here and there when he was late on rent. I wrote his entire graduate school application and he broke up with me once he got accepted into the program on a full tuition scholarship. I had written so many applications and college essays for him, even his previous Teach for America application, that it felt natural. I didn't realize that I was enabling him to become dependent on me as an on-demand Payday Loan or a muse for his applications. What I realized though is that as he didn't mind bank-rolling my lifestyle throughout college, I didn't mind being that constant ATM for him after college. It made me feel special that he looked to me to help him with his problems. What I should have realized is that sometimes you need to deal with your own problems. Alone.
Self-Care is Vital to Your Mental Well-being
GiphyI didn't focus on making sure that I was mentally well when in the relationship and hid how I felt when around his family. One of his aunts even pointed out that I seemed like I had this dark cloud hanging over me and something was amiss with me. That dark cloud was the relationship and the pressures of balancing life, a career and constant parental feedback. Once I focused on checking in with myself, making sure that I wasn't hiding my problems under a pile of ambition or another relationship, I was able to heal.
Don’t Isolate Yourself from Your Friends and Family
I isolated myself from my friends and family because I knew they did not approve of the relationship. Within the first year of us dating, they pointed out how toxic it was and that he did not value me. My ex-boyfriend even pitted me against my friends by saying that they weren't really my friends and told me about how people at my college made fun of me and that everyone wondered why he would even date me; he was too good for me. He compared me to my friends and even told me that he wished he would have dated one of them because she was so much more mature and that I was a joke, silly and childish.
He crippled my self-esteem to the point where I hated leaving my college dorm because I was scared people were making fun of the way I dressed, talked or even walked. He became my world and I looked to him for validation. When he ghosted me, I realized that my friends were still there and my parents helped with my transition back home. Once he paid me back the money I loaned him, he was nowhere to be found. All along I wish I would have realized my friends and family did care for me and wanted to see me happy.
Exiting a Toxic Relationship Before You are Ghosted is Essential
GiphyIf you are being ghosted, you have missed all of the signs that the relationship is not working out and that it is toxic. There were numerous signs that he had tired of the relationship, from our multiple break-ups and make-ups to his continuous comparing of me to other women and the feeling of isolation even within the relationship. When I was a friend, I had seen how he treated a previous ex so coldly by ignoring their calls and acting like they didn't even exist. For some reason, when I witnessed these actions as his friend, it did not click that maybe he was the problem and not the other people. In my naivete, I believed that there was something wrong with them, that they were insane or could not provide him what he needed in a healthy relationship.
I believed that I could be that answer because I was his friend first.
What I realized is that he was a master of lies. He made himself look like the victim, while he was leaving the real victims broken. I am so glad I escaped that personal hell before I ended up in an even worse situation. I sought therapy to deal with this relationship and I am so glad he ended it the way he did. It gave me the chance to see my own major faults and realize that I am the master of my own happiness. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I will never again give a man that much power.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Can You Be Friends With An Ex In A New Relationship? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- The Truth About Life After A Toxic Lover - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Why Can't I Get Over Someone I Barely Dated? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Texts To Send Someone Instead Of Ghosting Them - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- Telling Signs That You're Dating A Serial Ghoster - xoNecole ›
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- Ask Polly: 'My Boyfriend of Three Years Just Ghosted Me!' ›
- How To Get Over Being Ghosted In A Long-Term Relationship ›
- Why Ghosting Hurts So Much | Psychology Today ›
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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