

"When you get married, the sex stops." This is probably one of the most popular myths that many of us hear when the topic of marriage comes up. There may be seasons when it may slow down for whatever reason, but for most couples, it doesn't stop. This is a myth that can easily be debunked, and I can attest to this because of my personal experience as a wife (10+ years), as well as the experiences of others. Not to mention, the fact that sex was a hot topic and constant theme throughout the recent Black Love Summit -- from sex closets to toys, wigs, positions, and costumes. You can read a recap of the event here.
During the summit, we asked several of the husbands and panelists what marriage myth they'd like to debunk. Here's what they had to say*:
Myth: Your life is over when you get married.
Dondre Whitfield – Married Sixteen Years:
"People think that your life is over when you get married and I don't know where that information comes from. If you're talking to people who don't have a good marriage, then, yes, they will feel like their life is over, but that doesn't mean that's going to be your marriage. Marriage is a great thing if it's done the right way. It's like when you get a driver's license. Driving is great, but if nobody gives you the skill set to drive and you're crashing, then driving is going to be awful. Marriage is similar – you just need the right information to know how to do it better."
Myth: Women are expected to be perfect.
Devale Ellis – Married Nine Years:
"The myth is that men come into marriage broken and women are perfect. So, women are expected to be perfect and they have this pressure to do everything the right way, but nobody's perfect. It puts women on a pedestal where if they're not perfect in every aspect, then they feel inadequate. Women shouldn't have to be thought of as inadequate just because they don't do everything exactly as a man wants it. Women go through things and have issues, as do men, but we -- men and women -- have to work collectively to make sure we're both okay."
Myth: Marriage isn’t fun.
Tommy Oliver – Married Four Years:
"My wife and I we still like to have a lot of fun, crack jokes with one another, and take trips with each other. We still take the same trips we took while we were dating in the very beginning. Marriage is fun! Now you have a partner to share everything with…like a real true partner for a lifetime."
Myth: You have to change yourself.
Mike "DJ Fadelf" Jackson – Married Eight Years:
"One of the things we need to stop thinking is that when you get married, we have to change ourselves. In other words, you think you have to become someone who is less than you were before you got married; not realizing that you become a better person in that relationship. People lose themselves by becoming someone they're not. You fall in love with a specific person, but in the relationship you enhance that person and work on each other together."
Myth: The first five years of marriage are hard.
Warryn Campbell – Married Eighteen Years:
"Honestly, every year is hard, but it's really about what you put into it and your perspective. People say the first year tends to be the hardest, but to me, I thought the first year was great! Whatever you did in the beginning, you have to continue that same energy and same work throughout the relationship because you grow together, you change, and you evolve."
Myth: The work stops when the wedding ends.
Chris Spencer – Married Ten Years:
"The wedding may feel like happily ever after, but it's not over. The wedding day is the start. That's day one, and it's a marathon. So, get ready to run that race."
Bryan Chea – Married Three Years:
"Once you're married, it's til death do you part, but that doesn't mean you don't have to work at it. You're still learning yourself, let alone your partner, and all of those changes. Marriage isn't a lifelong thing unless you're intentional about making it that way."
*Responses edited and condensed for clarity
Want more marriage gems? Tune into OWN every Saturday at 9/8c to catch the all new season of Black Love.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
'Black Girl Magic' Poet Mahogany L. Browne Talks Banned Books And The Power Of The Creative Pivot
You know you’re dealing with a truly talented and profound voice of a generation when the powers that be attempt to silence it. As a poet, educator, and cultural curator, Mahogany L. Browne has carved out a powerful space in the world of literature and beyond.
From penning the viral poem, “Black Girl Magic,” to writing Woke: A Young Poet’s Call To Justice (a book once banned from a Boston school library), to becoming the 2024 Paterson Poetry Prize winner and a poet-in-residence at Lincoln Center—her path exemplifies resilience, reinvention, and unapologetic artistry. She's published more than 40 works and paid the bills with her craft, a divine dream for many creatives seeking release, autonomy, and freedom in a tough economic climate.
A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
2025 BET Awards: Ciara Lists Her Dating Non-negotiables, Jordin Sparks Talks Love & More
Last night was "culture's biggest night" in Black entertainment and all the stars came out. Hosted by Kevin Hart, the BET awards celebrated 25 years and reflected on the network's success by giving viewers a taste of nostalgia.
The network's beloved 2000s show, 106 & Park took over the stage along with the show's former hosts, including Free, Terrence J, Julissa Bermudez and Mr. 106 & Park himself, Bow Wow, who performed his hits.
Other artists who performed during that segment was Ashanti, Mýa, Keyshia Cole, Amerie, and T.I. The night continued with three icon awards presented to Jamie Foxx, Mariah Carey, and Kirk Franklin.
Prior to the show, xoNecole took to the red carpet and interviewed some of our favorite people. See who we caught up with below.
Ciara
Ciara stopped by to share her dating non-negotiables and the mother of four wasn't holding anything back.
Jordin Sparks
Jordin Sparks walked the carpet with her husband, Dana Isaiah, and together they shared how they stay connected.
Teedra Moses
Teedra Moses dished on whether she thinks she's Phylicia Rashad's doppelgänger.
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Feature image Rob Latour/ Shutterstock