

"When you get married, the sex stops." This is probably one of the most popular myths that many of us hear when the topic of marriage comes up. There may be seasons when it may slow down for whatever reason, but for most couples, it doesn't stop. This is a myth that can easily be debunked, and I can attest to this because of my personal experience as a wife (10+ years), as well as the experiences of others. Not to mention, the fact that sex was a hot topic and constant theme throughout the recent Black Love Summit -- from sex closets to toys, wigs, positions, and costumes. You can read a recap of the event here.
During the summit, we asked several of the husbands and panelists what marriage myth they'd like to debunk. Here's what they had to say*:
Myth: Your life is over when you get married.
Dondre Whitfield – Married Sixteen Years:
"People think that your life is over when you get married and I don't know where that information comes from. If you're talking to people who don't have a good marriage, then, yes, they will feel like their life is over, but that doesn't mean that's going to be your marriage. Marriage is a great thing if it's done the right way. It's like when you get a driver's license. Driving is great, but if nobody gives you the skill set to drive and you're crashing, then driving is going to be awful. Marriage is similar – you just need the right information to know how to do it better."
Myth: Women are expected to be perfect.
Devale Ellis – Married Nine Years:
"The myth is that men come into marriage broken and women are perfect. So, women are expected to be perfect and they have this pressure to do everything the right way, but nobody's perfect. It puts women on a pedestal where if they're not perfect in every aspect, then they feel inadequate. Women shouldn't have to be thought of as inadequate just because they don't do everything exactly as a man wants it. Women go through things and have issues, as do men, but we -- men and women -- have to work collectively to make sure we're both okay."
Myth: Marriage isn’t fun.
Tommy Oliver – Married Four Years:
"My wife and I we still like to have a lot of fun, crack jokes with one another, and take trips with each other. We still take the same trips we took while we were dating in the very beginning. Marriage is fun! Now you have a partner to share everything with…like a real true partner for a lifetime."
Myth: You have to change yourself.
Mike "DJ Fadelf" Jackson – Married Eight Years:
"One of the things we need to stop thinking is that when you get married, we have to change ourselves. In other words, you think you have to become someone who is less than you were before you got married; not realizing that you become a better person in that relationship. People lose themselves by becoming someone they're not. You fall in love with a specific person, but in the relationship you enhance that person and work on each other together."
Myth: The first five years of marriage are hard.
Warryn Campbell – Married Eighteen Years:
"Honestly, every year is hard, but it's really about what you put into it and your perspective. People say the first year tends to be the hardest, but to me, I thought the first year was great! Whatever you did in the beginning, you have to continue that same energy and same work throughout the relationship because you grow together, you change, and you evolve."
Myth: The work stops when the wedding ends.
Chris Spencer – Married Ten Years:
"The wedding may feel like happily ever after, but it's not over. The wedding day is the start. That's day one, and it's a marathon. So, get ready to run that race."
Bryan Chea – Married Three Years:
"Once you're married, it's til death do you part, but that doesn't mean you don't have to work at it. You're still learning yourself, let alone your partner, and all of those changes. Marriage isn't a lifelong thing unless you're intentional about making it that way."
*Responses edited and condensed for clarity
Want more marriage gems? Tune into OWN every Saturday at 9/8c to catch the all new season of Black Love.
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Tracee Ellis Ross Is Still Living A 'Robust' Life Despite Sometimes Grieving Not Being Partnered
Tracee Ellis Ross sat down with former first lady Michelle Obama and her brother Craig Robinson for their IMO podcast to have a candid discussion about dating, marriage, and family. At 52, the beloved actress is single, but is still open to finding her person. However, she realizes that she has to navigate dating differently, describing herself as a "unicorn."
“I’m a very unique sort of unicorn of a woman, so it's gonna take a unique person,” she explained. "And in the meantime, I've really learned how to live my life and enjoy it and not sit around waiting."
Calling herself a "choiceful woman," she has had to push against culture norms and found that many of her experiences with men around her age were challenging due to the toxic masculinity they had been raised in. Many of their views about relationships conflicts with how she lives her life, so she tends to date younger.
“It's not just that I'm older. I’m also very embodied. I am a full, very whole person who knows myself, who is in charge of my life and who lives a very full, just robust life," she said.
Regardless if they're younger or older, Tracee has made it clear that she isn't settling and won't be in a relationship for the sake of having a partner. Even when loneliness creeps.
“As much as grief does surface for me around not having children and not having a partner, I still wouldn’t want the wrong partner. At all, I’m not interested in that. You have to make my life better, it can’t just be ‘I’m in a relationship just to be in a relationship,” she said.
Fans have watched pieces of Tracee's life played out on social media and TV. Just one look at her Instagram, you see that the black-ish star lives her life to fullest and it's filled with fashion, family, and all-round fabulousness.
"Even though the grief does emerge, and that comes, and I hold that, I think of what I’ve done. I think I woke up every morning trying to do my best. I didn’t wake up one morning and be like I’m gonna mess this day up. So I must be where I’m supposed to be.”
She added, “And sometimes I think of all of the things I’ve done—the courage that I’ve had to have, what I had to learn to how to navigate as a single person with no one to hide behind. It's built a really beautiful experience around me and I have incredible friends."
The Black Mirror actress has spoken about dating before and has always stated that she doesn't allow singleness stop her from living her best life.
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