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Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner
Look y'all—by no means am I saying that great sex only consists of a night that is first filled with romance. Those who've been having great sex for a long time now can totally testify to the fact that sometimes quickies or, what I like to call, "lust runs" (because lusting your partner is about having a really intense desire for them, to the point where you want to even bypass foreplay to get it in), are all a part of having a happy and totally fulfilling sex life. Still, that doesn't mean that there aren't some moments when couples shouldn't shift gears—make plans, dress up…woo each other. Sometimes, the combination of the romantic gestures, along with not being so quick to hop in the bed is what can make sex so much hotter—and even more meaningful—once the physical connection does transpire.
If you agree and you'd like for you and yours to have a romantic evening tonight, I've got 10 tips to nudge you in the direction of old-fashion seduction. Something that is oh-so-sexy when it comes to entering into copulation.
1. Go on a Date
I don't care how long you've been with someone or how well you think that you already know them, going on dates with your partner is something that should be prioritized in every relationship. Dates are how two people can spend quality time together. Dates are how two people can escape the…shoot, daily-ness of their everyday lives. And, if the date is planned out well enough, it can also spark a flame of romance into it too. I know that COVID-19 has thrown one of the biggest wrenches known to man when it comes to going out; that's why, a while back, I wrote a piece on how you can date at home. "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)" will hopefully offer up some inspiration so that you feel closer to your partner. That way, with any luck, the concentrated time alone will make the two of you want to get just that much closer as the night progresses.
2. Discuss Nothing but Each Other
A friend of mine, who's been married for almost three decades now, once said something that has remained in my mind, ever since it came out of their mouth. "Shellie, one of the hardest things about being married is you're trying to have sex with your business partner and, sometimes, business isn't sexy." Whew. This is why I say that, whenever you're on your date with your significant other, try and leave everything that has nothing to do with the two of you directly, totally off of the table. Matter of fact, even what does have to do with you, let it not be gripes, complaints or "issues".
Instead, stroll down memory lane. Flirt. Also, check out my article, "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." too. Sometimes, when it comes to being sexually intimate with your partner, it's not that the desire is lacking so much as the focus. Set aside some time tonight to focus on nothing but what makes you love—and lust—your partner. Then open up your mind and heart to hear them express the same.
3. Create Bedroom Ambiance
This particular tip is one that could've just as easily gone before the date tip; it's really all about how much time/effort you want to put into setting the stage for a really great evening. Either way, another reason why, sometimes it's a challenge to engage in romantic copulation is because, probably 7-8 times out of 10, you're always in your bedroom. And if your bedroom always looks the same (minus the switch up on the sheets, of course), that can hinder you from getting excited at the mere thought of going back in there…again.
Years ago, I used to get paid to decorate married couples' bedrooms, in honor of special days like Valentine's Day or their anniversary. I learned there's simple things that you can do to make your bedroom so much more appealing. You can put colored light bulbs in your lamps; light some scented soy candles (soy candles burn cleaner and last longer); upgrade your pillows (the more support, the better…right?) including a couple of velvet pillows (they feel amazin'); get some jewel-toned bedding (it's warm and alluring); hang some blackout curtains that look like drapes (so that the room is super dark and a hint of romantic drama added to it) and, remove the appearance of all electronics minus whatever you plan on playing any sexy music from. Oh, and you can never go wrong by bringing some rose petals into the mix, whether it's sprinkling them on the floor, putting them on your bed, using them as potpourri for your nightstand, putting a couple of them into each glass of champagne, or filling your lingerie (or sexy toy) drawer with 'em. Simple "upgrades" like this can change your room from just a place where you sleep to the ultimate sex romp room.
4. Exchange Some Verbal Foreplay
While I am a huge fan of dirty talk—and that certainly can fit into this particular point very well—actually, when I say "verbal foreplay", what I mean is you and your partner taking out the time to simply honor and affirm one another. What's your favorite things about your partner? What do you appreciate about each other? What made you choose them above all others? Some of y'all might be too young to remember the scene from The Cosby Show when Cliff and Claire were spending a romantic evening away from home. At first, Cliff rushed to have sex. Yet when Claire basically asked him to step back and seduce her a little bit and he did, all of a sudden, she was ready to jump him (you can watch the clip here)! Telling someone how much you adore them and how important they are in your life definitely perks up their sense of hearing. And since the brain is the biggest sex organ we've got, the more desired we feel in our minds, the more our bodies will become more receptive. There's no doubt about that.
5. Give a Candle Wax or Chocolate Massage
There are at least 25 solid reasons why all of us should probably get a massage, no less than every 4-6 weeks. One of them is because they can work miracles in the area of our sex life. Massages soothe achy muscles and joints. Massages reduce stress levels (stress can make it hard for a man to maintain his erection and it can make it harder for us to orgasm). Massages also put us in a better mood, relieve any headaches or tension that we might have and, they increase flexibility and blood circulation, so that we can get into all of those sex positions that we've been wanting to try so that we can have the best climax ever once we do! Honestly, a massage alone is pretty romantic but if you want to up the ante, how about you and your partner engaging in either a candle wax or chocolate-themed one?
Massage candles are so popular at this point that you can usually even find them at your local drug store. You just let the flame melt the candle and then drip it onto your partner and massage the oil in (it's really sensual). A chocolate massage is one that includes ingredients like chocolate and mint (both of which are aphrodisiacs, by the way). A chocolate massage makes it possible to feel and like at the same time (whew chile!). If you'd like to give that one a shot, you can cop a really easy DIY recipe here.
6. Drink a Love Potion
Do love potion beverages actually make you hornier? Eh. But they are super romantic, really delicious and, if you use them to toast your partner (as they do the same for you), they can become another fitting addition to your evening of sexiness. Two love potion drinks that taste pretty damn wonderful are the Edinburgh Rose Romantic Cocktail (which has raspberries, champagne and even rose petals in it) and the Chocolate Cherry Cha-Cha (which consists of cherry liqueur, coconut rum and chocolate vodka). Or, if neither of those tickle your fancy, you can always go to your favorite search engine and put "Valentine's Day drink recipes" in the search field. I promise that you'll find a ton of romantic alcoholic and non-alcoholic drink recipes for the taking, if you do.
7. Kiss. A LOT.
I don't know about y'all, but based on how good—or not so good—a kiss is, that can determine, BIG TIME, on how much—and quickly—things can go any further. The right kiss? LAWD. HAVE. MERCY. Plus, kissing really is super-uber-especially romantic. The touches. The taste. The sounds. OK, let me get my head back into this article! Anyway, I know A LOT of men who actually find kissing to be at the very least, just as intimate as intercourse. Many have told me because, even with coitus, you can "hide behind" a condom. But when you're kissing, you're both in such an open and vulnerable state. I'd add that there is something very sweet about being so into a person that you're perfectly content with doing nothing but kissing them for countless minutes. Kissing is romantic. Make it a top focal point of your romantic sex-themed night.
8. Get into “Eye Contact” Positions
You know what they say—eyes are the windows of the soul, right? Even if you and your partner never made eye contact during sex, you're still gonna end up bonded because that is what natural hormone oxytocin is designed to do. But when you're that close together and you have moments when your eyes actually meet, there is absolutely no way that you can't feel emotionally connected on a whole 'nother level. If romance is the goal, be intentional about getting into sexual positions where he can stare into your eyes as you do the same to him. If you need a little help or inspiration when it comes to choosing the best position—or hopefully positions—to accomplish this goal, check out an article that has 113 positions (and pics) total here.
9. Participate in Afterplay
Earlier this spring, I penned an article entitled, "Sure, Your Foreplay Game Is On Point. Now What About The 'Afterplay'?" Bottom line, if foreplay is what helps to warm you up, afterplay is what helps to cool you down, in the best way possible. I'm pretty sure it's no surprise to you that, while great sex can hype us up for another round, oftentimes it does the exact opposite for our partner (hey, good sex and ejaculation can take a lot outta a brotha!). Something that can make you feel like you're not being gypped in between sessions is afterplay. It's when the two of you can talk, snack or even just cuddle in the spoon position until you're both ready to go again. Out of all of the tips that I shared here, I sincerely believe that sex would feel more romantic, even without all of the "extras", if couples made more time for afterplay more often.
10. Engage in Some Morning Sex
I won't lie. Probably my favorite line in Beyoncé and Jay Z's "Drunk in Love" song is when Jay says, "We sex again in the mornin', your breast-eses are my breakfast, we goin' in." Not only is it SEXY when you didn't get enough from your partner the night before that you've just gotta have them, first thing, in the morning as well—but morning sex can also be hella romantic because natural light, the quiet of the beginning of the day…needing to be with one another, intimately, before anything else…that's also really special. So, if you're out here wanting to have a romantic sex night tonight, try and reserve at least a half hour for some morning sex tomorrow. I have talked to many men about this topic and, for them, morning sex is really hard to beat. Hmph. If a lot of us really pondered when we like to get down, we'd agree with that sentiment too.
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Featured image of Giphy
- 10 Easy Ways To Make Sex More Romantic - Society19 ›
- How to Have Incredibly Romantic Sex | LoveToKnow ›
- 50 Easy Ways to Be a (Much) More Romantic Man | Best Life ›
- 11 Ways To Make Sex More Fun, Intense, And Intimate ›
- 10 tips to make your partner more romantic ›
- How to Be Romantic in Bed: 15 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow ›
- 8 Hot Tips for Couples to Have Incredibly Romantic Sex ›
- 5 Simple Ways to Make Sex More Romantic ›
After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Black women are not a monolith. We all are deserving of healing and wholeness despite what we've been through, how much money we have in the bank, or what we look like. Most importantly, we are enough—even when we are not working, earning, or serving.
Welcome to Black Girl Whole, your space to find the wellness routine that aligns with you! This brand-new marketplace by xoNecole is a safe space for Black women to activate their healing, find the inspiration to rest, and receive reassurance that we are one small act away from finding our happiness.
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Many of us have heard the refrain “If he wanted to, he would” in response to relationship troubles with seemingly withholding men. It’s a phrase that says, “he’s just not into you.” But what if there’s a little more to the story? Though it’s certainly still a sign to move on, it does point to a missed conversation about the treatment of women.
"He does neglectful or bad things to you because he doesn't like you" ignores everything we've learned about abuse, control, trauma, and intimate partner violence. People's level of interest is not directly correlative to the treatment of their partners. It's actually a reflection of their inner state. In a world where misogyny exists, the increasingly poor treatment of women is not a coincidence or evidence of desire.
It is an expression of belief about how you engage the feminine. In the context of misogyny, how others engage women is often about power.
"If he wanted to, he would."
This is certainly true, but who is speaking to the broader culture and trend of neglectful men? What happens when men never seem to “want to” as a means of normalized engagement?
Are there benefits to men for not “wanting to,” such as creating a dating culture where they have to do less work?
Did it ever occur to you that, in many cases, he may actually be grooming you for cycles of abuse using “pick-up tactics” and/or it is his own fear that keeps his heart small? That many men are taught to continuously deliver low so that the bare minimum feels very big? That cold selfishness is taught to men in capitalist society as a means of survival and identity? That the denial of your own heart's desire is on purpose? That it's not about want, but fear and control? That many men are only taught to relate to women by withholding?
We’ve all been there, men who make us jump through rings of fire for extremely “mid” or even abusive relationships.
Most of us have experienced partners who refuse to acknowledge our needs and humanity because it keeps us small and them in control. Even in cases where carelessness is not intentional, society rewards men for careless behavior. Instead of sanctioning that behavior as undesirable, we label the women as “not desirable enough” to elicit care from a man. Instead of collectively raising the bar of poor behavior and communally calling men to task who exhibit poor behavior, we place the burden of desire on women.
This is not an isolated experience. Men everywhere seem to have collectively created a standard of lack.
Women increase our level of care, hoping that it will eventually lead to better treatment and intimacy while withholding men rest and dangle an emotional carrot on a stick.
They benefit, while women are pressured to constantly perform desirability to men’s tastes because it’s linked to our humanity, survival, and the care we receive. Then it’s taken for granted that for some women, those deemed beneath the patriarchal valuation of “worthy,” men rarely ever seem to “want to.”
Tiered kindness in dating treatment is a method of control.
It says that some people are more worthy of care, depending on how much they inspire our desire. It says that others are merely for our pleasure and therefore deserving of a denial of resources while we engage them. Those with more societal power can pull back positive treatment at their own whims and give it to those they deem “worthy,” as opposed to honoring women they engage as a value system. (Even when those women fall outside the realm of their “desire.”)
Practicing a system of care as a broader social value means that it can no longer be apportioned according to the ever-changing whims of men and their patriarchal standards. Poor or careless treatment is often used to damage a woman’s self-esteem so that her partner can remain in control and not have to show up entirely. Sometimes, the carelessness is the point. It’s an entry point into manipulation by manufacturing desperation and establishing a low bar. It’s a way of re-establishing and reinforcing existing power dynamics and reminding women of “place.”
A partner who has been careless with others is not in the practice of love, so where one suffers, all do.
This practice rarely springs up for the “right woman” in a way that is sustainable over a long period. Selfishness towards anyone you date will appear elsewhere because "liking" people is something that fluctuates. We can make the mistake of thinking we are above the dangers of misogynist dating culture because we are too smart, pretty, or societally celebrated, but this is ultimately a house built on sand and others’ ever-shifting desires.
Where systems of care as cultural norms are absent, all eventually suffer.
We are often all too quick to blame women for whatever happens to us in the space of our innocence and learning. Not "liking" someone isn't an excuse to treat people poorly and for society to then put the blame on the recipient of the behavior. Many of us are trained from an early age that to be a woman means to do the labor of deciphering emotionally unavailable and cryptic men.
Men are taught to shut down and withhold their feelings, and women are taught to do the work for them and adjust.
Establishing a “normal” or a baseline to judge what is happening around us can, in fact, be very difficult, especially when the world does its best to keep us disconnected from our own hearts, and “normal” is often really bad. It’s especially difficult when everything women do is scrutinized and quickly punished. When we “see it coming” and state our case, women are accused of being harpies that are overly critical of men. When we don’t, we are blamed for whatever happened to us and asked, “Why didn’t you know better?” People say you should see everything coming as a woman when it comes to men.
A better analogy is that you always have to navigate some tricky territory as a woman. You're wading through the river, and it suddenly dips off into a deep current, and the water is over your head. You thought you had it, but you ain’t got it. Others are quick to tell us all the ways we are inferior for failing to avoid the violence of others, often in the guise of tough love. Sometimes you fall in the river when you are learning how to swim.
A lot of “tough love” is actually just people’s frustration with your process. Which is just frustration with their own process and the process of life in general. Abuse and withholding in relationships with men can be a deeply ingrained issue that actually has little to do with the person on the receiving end. Sometimes it’s just easier for others and ourselves to say, “he’s not into me” to expedite the stickiness and complication of feeling stuck. We lash out with our own feelings of helplessness and convince people, especially women, it’s for their own good.
The point here isn't the person's level of interest, it’s that this is the way they behave relationally as a human being. They believe the standard of care and humanity for those you deal with is based on the amount of pleasure you can currently extract. They have a tier system for humanity. Often, even within these societally constructed tiers, every person has their own code.
You can never truly know "why" someone is treating you poorly and SEEMINGLY showing care to others, but you can acknowledge it’s a reflection of their own inner state and not you. From there, you can begin to take steps that ensure your own well-being, whatever that looks like for you.
The journey to that care can be a long one.
People often trivialize the journey of being and becoming a woman. It’s a remarkable and complex experience. We can’t pretend anyone has all the answers to avoid heartbreak or survive patriarchal cultures because they don’t. No one’s cracked the code.
After being left so cold by men and the world, so many of us are in need of healthy, generous, patient, and warm lovemaking.
Women and the feminine everywhere are starving for genuine connections and intimacy. We are in need of a return to self, based in radical love and community and lovers that reflect that process. The path there is not to slam women down for misreading the behavior of others but to acknowledge that their behavior does not define us.
We are courageous, fearless, gorgeous, and vital, even despite the best attempts to thwart our divine becoming.
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