I'm A Black Founder & I've Contemplated Suicide
Kate Spade killed herself yesterday.
As many of us hearkened back to memories of getting our first Kate Spade bag and the world sighed in collective disbelief, I felt sad for Kate. I didn't know Kate Spade and had never met her, what I do know is the loneliness and depression that can come from running a business and how this depression can lead to suicidal thoughts. These feelings are all too familiar to me.
As I read through the Twitter responses of heartfelt condolences to her family - there were the familiar tweets about mental health: "If you need help, speak up, ask for it," etc.
What no one realizes is that we live in such a success-obsessed society, that as founder/CEO of a company, it's embarrassing to ask for help. Social media, particularly Instagram, has become a mirror of what our lives should be - running a business, traveling the world, glamazons walking the earth with our friends, and maybe a baby or two on the hip!
But is this reality? Can you really juggle all of this and be mentally stable?
Possessions & loved ones don’t remove the fear, anxiety, and apathy of life. For those of you that haven’t experien… https://t.co/kncCClTJq5— c r i m s o n 🔌🚶🏽‍♂️ (@c r i m s o n 🔌🚶🏽‍♂️) 1528292647
I am just not sure.
I run a business, Pop Up Plus. I started it in 2010, the first plus size pop-up shop ever. I started it while having a full-time job. When I first founded it, I was completely energized. I was working 100 hours a week between my business and my full-time job. I did this up until 2017 and by then, I had gained an additional 40 pounds, I was borderline diabetic, I suffered from anxiety so much that I couldn't keep my food down, and a host of other stress-related illnesses.
I was constantly pitching my business to get funding, to grow and to scale, and though I never got the money needed to get my business to over $1M, potential investors would press me for more traction before they gave me a second look. In 2017, I was stressed out, I began having anxiety attacks, and every "no" from an investor or even a customer complaint would leave me bowed over on my floor in a flood of panic.
I would start rehearsing all my "failures" in my mind.
Every bad decision I made as a business owner became magnified in my head. These negative thoughts would overpower me, and I would feel like I wasn't myself. Feeling nauseated was frequent and the room would often feel like it was spinning. I just couldn't control it and there was always that final thought: "Just do it, take your life, no one will care….it will be better than staying here. If you kill yourself, this torment will end." This downward spiral happened repeatedly and sometimes for hours.
I confided in my friends and they would pray for me relentlessly. To be very honest, the only thing that kept me going was my bible, christian music, and my faith. Yet, you wouldn't have known it, I was out and about, still trying to run my company, keeping up with the #blackgirlmagic, when deep down, I lost my sense of purpose.
If an unexpected tragedy happened to take me out of this world, I wouldn't have cared one bit.
When my suicidal thoughts became my morning routine, I decided that I had to make a change. I am not sure if everyone gets this chance. Suicide is not always the result of a mental disorder or a decline in mental health. Suicidal thoughts begin with mental torment, that can be aggravated by grief, loss of your dreams, family members, a perceived failure - any circumstance that deals a sucker punch to your expectations. I am not sure what leads from the thoughts to the actual act of suicide, but I understand the torment before you get there.
As a company founder, when you are expected to be successful, it's hard to admit that you are having issues. When everyone is a "keyboard gangsta" with lethal opinions, you don't even want to ask for help, because that cry for help may turn into social media judgement.
I am no Kate Spade, she launched with six handbag styles out of her apartment. She pioneered the concept of making the luxury bag an affordable accessory. I could only wish to have her resources to grow my business. Despite her elevated platform, she and I share this experience - I know and understand deeply the mental torment that can lead to the final act of suicide.
I encourage fellow company owners that are suffering such torment to seek help any healthy way they can. As for me, I have decided to stop pretending I am okay. I have decided to be transparent about the challenges that come with owning and running a company. I have decided to first take care of myself until I am able to figure out what to do with my company.
Kate, may you rest in peace.
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Camille Newman is a business owner, consultant, speaker, and digital marketing coach. She has worked for companies including Ross Stores, Macy's, and Hudson's Bay, and has also started her own company - Pop Up Plus. She is proudly Jamaican-American, loves anything curried, and she can "sang" too! Follow her @camifrompopup and @popupplusny.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images