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The ItGirl Directory Is Here: 50+ Black Woman-Owned Agencies, Companies, Directors & More
The ItGirl Directory is like the ultimate group chat for women to connect with a fierce selection of women-led ItGirl agencies and businesses. This is your digital link-up for collaboration, empowerment, and nurturing your personal and creative ventures. Connecting with like-minded women who get you is essential, and the ItGirl Directory makes it possible.
We’re committed to supporting the girlies by providing access to resources and opportunities that amplify personal and creative endeavors.
Get connected with ItGirl-certified and Black women-owned companies, agencies, and freelancers, across marketing, creative production, branding, and more.
Featured Categories: Marketing & Branding | Talent & Creator | Photo & Video
MARKETING & BRANDING
Meet the dot connectors across marketing, branding, strategy, campaigns, experiential, and more. These women pull off large-scale campaigns, brand partnerships, strategic marketing, consulting, press and communication strategy, and much more.
19th & Park
Founded by Tahira White and Whitney Headen, 19th & Park is an agency rooted in strategy, innovation, ideation, and execution — allowing them to create stories that make people feel again and build with brands including Bumble, L'Oreal, and Meta.
SLUG Global
SLUG is a team of young artists from diverse professional backgrounds and disciplines founded by creative director and musical artist Brittany Bosco. The agency specializes in graphic design, web design, digital marketing, original content curation for web and social media, creative direction, immersive set design, and event production across the intersectional spaces of music and culture—leading them to work with brands such as Spotify, Facebook, and many more.
Crown and Conquer
Based in Los Angeles, April McDaniel's Crown + Conquer is an independent agency redefining success for brands based on authenticity. By fostering meaningful cultural interactions, the agency has curated campaigns for Adidas, Amazon Studios, Google, and others.
RTTR
Rachel Wims, a marketing executive, author, and global philanthropist, serves as the founder and CEO of RTTR. Her agency specializes in content production, talent management, and artist creative/brand development. Among Rachel's clientele are notable names such as Jayda Cheaves, Dess Dior, and the beauty brand Topicals.
D28
Specializing in fashion, entertainment, lifestyle, hospitality, and tourism— Shenell Renwick is a Brooklyn-based publicist, storyteller, and co-founder of d28. D28 is a PR and digital marketing agency working with emerging brands and talent including True To Us and Sondér New York.
All Angles Agency
Founded by Evangeline Elder, All Angles Agency is a brand partnerships and integrated marketing engine, powering multicultural platforms in music and entertainment with strategy & consulting across brand deals. AAA connects the dots between the hottest cultural entities and brands looking to create authentic touchpoints with diverse audiences. AAA has worked with artists such as Jean Deaux, Free Nationals, Ambre, as well as cultural platforms Femme It Forward, Hoorae/Raedio, Roc Nation, and more.
OneDayCMO
Emmelie De La Cruz is the founder, marketing consultant, and AI enthusiast of OneDayCMO. Curated through the love for growing small businesses and startups, her omnichannel strategy service allows companies to confidently delegate their marketing thanks to Emmelie and her in-house team of vetted experts.
Third & Hayden
Third & Hayden, founded by Kei Henderson, is a Creative Incubation Hub functioning as a record label, management, and publishing company. We support artists and creators in establishing enduring careers by providing startup artists with foundational capital, strategic guidance, operational support, and essential resources for success. Recently the agency inked a joint venture label deal with SoundCloud.
Creative Collective NYC (CCNYC)
Imani Ellis is the Founder and CEO of The Creative Collective—the largest community of diverse creative professionals in the country. Additionally, Imani is also the creator of CultureCon—an annual IRL event extension of The Creative Collective that prioritizes visibility and opportunity for Black and Brown creatives. With ongoing partnerships with Max, Cash App, and others, Imani continues her mission of building community and fostering cultural collaboration.
Worque + Off Worque
Cristina Jerome, the founder of Worque, operates as a freelance marketer and creative, excelling in talent collaboration, social media, and brand marketing. Initially known for her achievements in the music industry, she spearheaded digital strategy for R&B acts at Keep Cool (RCA Records). Expanding into TV, she contributed to projects like Red Table Talk, Bel-Air, and Rap Sh!t. Subsequently, roles at Topicals and Adidas tapped Cristina to direct social content and lead global brand marketing campaigns. These diverse experiences culminated in the creation of Worque, a community and content marketing agency where Cristina's work, worth, and wins speak for themselves.
SydTheCreative
Sydney Price, also known as SydTheCreative, is a Spelman graduate, creative strategist, content creator, and storyteller. She specializes in helping entertainment and lifestyle brands develop bold creative and meaningful content and strategy. Sydney has collaborated with clients such as Twitter and Adobe.
Sunset Works
Based in LA, Deena Morrison is the founder and producer of Sunset Works Entertainment, a full-service agency specializing in content production and artist development. With over 8 years of experience and a dynamic team, Deena has served clients such as Spotify, ESPN, Nike, Blavity, META, and more.
The Elle Empire
Founded by Elle Houston, the Elle Empire creates dope events for cool brands and cooler people. This agency has been responsible for partnering with Apple Music, Savage X Fenty, and many more.
PopNCreative
After being tired of not seeing women launch and lead in the advertising and marketing industries, founders Lori Hall and Jessica Lane started the Pop’N Creative agency during the pandemic. This agency operates with a mission to see brands win in marketing within a multicultural world— working with brands such as H&M, Hulu, Netflix, Discovery, and many more.
League Twenty Two
Founded by Ashley Henderson, League Twenty Two is a diverse team of forward-thinking millennials bringing unique and bold perspectives to an experiential strategy with over a decade of experience. They infuse cultural authenticity and relevance with expertise to make moments memorable and redefine what’s possible. They specialize in experiential production and fabrication, content curation, and creative strategy rooted in culture. They’ve worked with Clinique, Nike, PrettyLittleThing, SiriusXM and more.
Jessica Roner
An LA native now based in New York, Jessica Roner is a consultant who thrives through illustration, brand storytelling, and creative strategy. With a background in ideating and executing pitches for both global and local campaigns, she excels in repositioning and establishing value within brands. Her diverse portfolio includes collaborations with solo entrepreneurs and larger corporations such as Louis Vuitton and Atlanta Apparel Mart.
Marz Enterprise
Founded by Jasmine C. Green, MARZ Enterprise is committed to revolutionizing the modeling industry through a strong emphasis on diversity and authentic representation. We specialize in tailored creative talent solutions for ad agencies, production companies, casting directors, and beyond.
24:Ours
Founded by Goldie Harris in 2016, 24:OURS is a creative label based in NYC that bridges the gap between music, media, and marketing. Specializing in event and content production, they curate experiences for diverse audiences and true music enthusiasts. Additionally, the 24:OURS Creative Studios serves as a co-working space and full-service rental photography/video studio, offering tailored meeting and event spaces for the musical and creative community.
A Same Different Story
Since 2020, Reegan Houston has orchestrated major global cultural events through her agency, A Same Different Story. Specializing in brand strategy, creative direction, and executive production, she has collaborated with luxury brands and institutions. As a freelance executive producer and creative director, Reegan has partnered with Kendrick Lamar, Migos, Drake, Shawn Carter, The Recording Academy, GQ, LaQuan Smith, Google, Netflix, and others.
Refine Collective and IBandfriends
Founded by IB Majekodunmi, Refine Collective is a digital community promoting and supporting minority-owned businesses and freelancers. Our mission is to empower the underrepresented by directing purchasing power their way. Additionally, our sister company, IB&FRIENDS, specializes in event production and creative consulting.
Ghetto Yolie
Yolanda Hoskey is a Brooklyn native and multi-disciplinary artist based between New York and Los Angeles. Her work challenges the monolithic perception of Blackness — leading to opportunities for partnership with prominent institutions and brands including The New York Times, Bloomberg, FUJIFILM, SNIPES USA, Walmart, and Aperture Magazine.
Imperial Marketing Group (IMG)
Founded by Anastasia Wright, IMG is a strategic marketing agency, consulting house, and talent management company with a long resume across music, culture, and entertainment. They’ve worked with Samsung, Soho House, and more in the brand realm–along with strategic marketing and deals for talent such as Janet Jackson, Mýa, Andrea Valle, Juvenile, Janelle Monáe, and more.
Chanel Hinds
As a freelance creative production manager, Chanel Hinds oversees the planning and execution of creative projects for clients in the fashion, music, and entertainment industries. She manages teams, budgets, schedules, logistics, and vendor relations for projects ranging from modest independent films to sizable commercial shots. Across the span of her career, she has worked with Amazon, Google, Nike, Prada, Awake NY, and more.
The Brownie Agency
The Brownie Agency was founded to address a gap in the market that overlooked the magic of women of color. With backgrounds in fashion and music, founders Ayanna Wilks and Brianna Agyemang leverage their experience to curate events and lifestyle experiences centered around celebrating women of color.
A Gold Consulting
A Gold Consulting, an international boutique agency, was established by New York native Ah-Niyah Gold. As a fashion and beauty consultant, A Gold Consulting is dedicated to carving out space for the next generation, shaping the future of fashion, beauty, and beyond through innovative approaches to PR and VIP relations. With nearly a decade of experience in event production and creative services, Ah-Niyah embarked on her industry journey nearly nine years ago, collaborating with Brittney Escovedo of Beyond 8. Together, they assisted notable clients such as Pyer Moss, Betsey Johnson, and Bobbi Brown. Today, Ahniyah's agency represents exciting brands including Topicals, Black Fashion Fair, Theophilio, Advisry, Black Boy Knits, Bed on Water, and Homage Year.
ASHYA + Equator Productions
Ashley Cimone is a creative director, designer, and producer based in Brooklyn, NY. She co-founded ASHYA in 2017, a New York-based eco-friendly accessories design label that embraces travel, cultural awareness, style, and utility in its DNA. Additionally, she is a partner and executive producer at Equator Productions, a full-service studio at the intersection of art and advertising that has worked with brands like Ghetto Gastro, Nike, New Balance, Spotify, and Amazon.
Private Yard
When it comes to developer Caláh Jones, she is truly in her own lane! Using the power of intuition and technology with the goal of elevating and innovating the creative landscapes of others, Caláh started her experiential design and ideation lab Private Yard to fuel the web design and development needs of the culture — taking on partners who are genuinely committed to evolution. Her clientele has ranged from Renell Medrano and JT of The City Girls to the Collective Gallery and multiple brands within the fashion space.
TALENT & CREATOR AGENCIES
Meet the women who connect POC creators and influencers with brands & help our favorite social media mavens get paid what they deserve.
Agency Cliquish
Taylar Barrington-Booker is the Founder and Head of Talent & Partnerships at Agency Cliquish. Established in 2021 in response to the BLM protests, the agency is dedicated to providing not just corporate commitment but also guidance and support to help Black talent reach their full potential. Today, Agency Cliquish remains committed to culturally relevant, conscious, and advocacy-led influencer management for Black talent in the digital realm.
Kensington Grey
Kensington Grey is an Influencer management agency with a network of over 150+ creators rooted in diversity. Every day, brands, influencers, and social media managers are identifying gaps in the ever-evolving arena of content creation and digital marketing. Founded in 2019, Kensington Grey Agency was created to fill one such hole. Kensington Grey was created to be a direct answer to the lack of representation within the industry.
Black Girl Digital
Created by Latoya Shambo, Black Girl Digital is a mission-driven, award-winning, premium influencer marketing agency advancing the creator economy for Black women and all multicultural creators through fair and equitable brand partnerships.
Human Relations
Founded by PR genius Makensy Smith, LA-based Human Relations is a growth agency specializing in strategic communications and intentional partnerships for unconventional individuals. Smith's clientele includes Iddris Sandu, D Smoke, and NFL linebacker Bobby Wagner.
Agency.ab2
Amber Ajee is a multi-hyphenated muse + force. When she's not steering creative on the RCA label, she's pushing her creative talent house and management company AB2, a management consulting firm and agency that assists individuals and brands in building their true potential and producing their star ideas through the lens of a strategy. One of her clients currently includes the successful emerging artist 4batz who you can hear on every Reel and TikTok right now thanks to his song "act ii: date @ 8."
MEF Agency
MEF Agency, founded by Gabrielle Amai Williams, is a full-service marketing, creative, and social agency dedicated to maximizing the potential of businesses, brands, influencers, and entrepreneurs. They specialize in sales, social media, brand awareness, and PR— garnering clientele from Sephora, NARS, Nike, and Live Nation.
Blk Girl Studios
Ibukun Oladejo is the founder of Blk Grl Studios, a creative agency for Black influencers. She spearheads digital marketing, collaborating with major Black influencers on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube to amplify their presence and partner them with brands for inclusive social media campaigns. Notable clients include Nike, Afropunk, Sony Music, and MissGuided.
Beyond 8
Brittney Escovedo is an event producer and owner of the internationally successful agency Beyond 8. Beyond 8 is an events and lifestyle marketing company that curates events that go beyond the ordinary—offering innovative and immersive experiences. Beyond 8 has worked with Google, Saint Heron, Kering, Hood By Air, Uniqlo, Red Bull, and many more as their clientele list is ENDLESS! We stan!
abc group NYC
Jodi-Lee Reece is an experiential producer who's skilled in event management, production, contract negotiation, leadership, and experiential design. She is also the co-founder of ABC GROUP NY— a boutique experiential agency that specializes in event production and brand marketing within the fashion, lifestyle, tech, and entertainment industries.
BLK Girl Fest Studios
Founded by Nicole Krystal Crentsil, Black Girl Fest Studios is a cultural studio and consultancy specializing in social innovation, community, and experiences. Notable clients include Pinterest and eBay.
PHOTO & MEDIA VENDORS
Meet the women who create visual magic on the daily, across music videos, short- and long-form content, production, design, web, and more.
Trey Dgtl | Director + Producer
Founded by the visionary Treya Bolin, TREY DGTL is a dynamic production powerhouse specializing in visual storytelling. From immersive documentaries to short-form content, TREY DGTL has directed and produced for renowned clients such as Parsons, BET, Complex, American Express, Givenchy, Milk Makeup, and more. Treya Bolin's capabilities know no bounds.
Annie Bercy | Director + Photographer
From film directing, photography, video editing, graphic designing, and producing, Annie Bercy plays many roles in media. Working with the likes of SZA, Cardi B, and countless brands, there's no doubt that Annie's work has an iconic look and feel that simply cannot be duplicated.
Babe Cave LA | Director + Photographer
Randijah Simmons is a multidisciplinary artist and entrepreneur. In the summer of 2020, she opened up The Babe Cave LA and whether you're in the LA area or glued to your socials, you can always catch Randijah's work going viral across your timeline. Tinashe, Kari Faux, Flyana Boss, and Amaarae have been amongst her clientele and we think it's safe to say that this is just a taste of the opportunities to come.
Renell Medrano | Director + Photographer
Reigning from the Bronx, Renell Medrano is a Dominican-American photographer and director who continuously dominates our mooboards, TL's, and every editorial moment in between. Known for her raw and authentic approach to creative direction, Renell has photographed people like Kendall Jenner and Tyler The Creator to Jay-Z and André 3000, beauty brands like Burberry and Fenty, and has had multiple editorial pieces published under her name. And when she's not capturing shots, you can catch her steering her Ice Studios brand or inspiring the girls through her passion for fashion.
Keenan MacWilliam | Director + Photographer
Keenan MacWilliam is a Guyanese-Canadian filmmaker, creative director, and photographer whose style is inspired by the beauty of spontaneity and the observation of the human experience. Throughout her career, Keenan has collaborated with industry entities such as i-D, Spotify, The North Face, SZA, Hawa, and many others.
Exquisite Eye Studios | Director + Photographer
Breyona Holt who you may recognize as "Exquisite Eye" is an Atlanta native and artist who celebrates the timeless beauty and richness of Blackness. Inspired by her father's archival photography, Holt's work sparks dialogue about depicting Black skin, infusing vibrant colors and lushness to convey the intricacies of Black experiences. Collaborating with figures from sports, music, and fashion, including Serena Williams, SZA, Normani, and Kimora Lee Simmons, her imagery explores spiritual liberation and ethereal connections.
Nailah Howze #NaiShotThat | Director + Photographer
Nailah Howze, known as CloudNai, excels at capturing the essence of the Black community through her photography, showcasing the beauty of various cities and providing representation for the underrepresented. Her clientele includes New Balance, Adidas (with Yara Shahidi), Migos, Summer Walker, Big Sean, and numerous others.
Brain Studios
Kin Marie is a Chicago-based artist, film producer, post-colorist, and co-founder of the production company Brain Studios. Kin passionately prioritizes the visual culture of Afrofuturism—exploring its social implications and its potential as a blueprint for cultural evolution. Her work continues to serve as a platform for critical research and experimentation, examining the intersection of art, media, and social dynamics.
Dana Scruggs | Director + Photographer
Dana Scruggs, originally from Chicago's Southside, is a photographer and director based in New York. Her work centers on movement, abstraction, and eliciting emotion from the human form. Scruggs' distinctive vision has attracted clients worldwide, including Vanity Fair, SKKN, TIME, Rolling Stone, Glossier, The New York Times, Nike, Apple, GQ, and others.
The Ally Green | Director + Photographer
Alexandria Green, aka "The Ally Green," is a highly accomplished Black woman photographer and director based in LA, with NY as a secondary base. Starting in Houston, TX, she turned her early passion for photography into a full-time career by 18. Her impressive portfolio features collaborations with brands like Nike, HBO, and Toyota, and artists such as Travis Scott, Normani, and Kehlani. She's also partnered with Delta Airlines, Puma, Adidas, and luxury fashion houses like Dior, Versace, and Brandon Blackwood.
Renae Watson | Director + Photographer
Renae Wootson, also known as IIRONIC, is a visionary photographer whose work blends expressionism, portraiture, and documentary photography. With a focus on authenticity and depth, her work is described as 'visual poetry,' balancing simplicity with layered complexity. Collaborating with notable names such as Rolling Stone, Billboard, Alicia Keys, and Ralph Lauren, Wootson captures the intricacies of life and people through mood, emotion, and expression, embodying the core of her artistic ethos.
Milana Burdette | Director of Photography + Artist
Venice native Milana Burdette, a director of photography and artist, delves into the universal human experience through surreal visual narratives. By combining analog and experimental techniques, she crafts distorted dreamscapes that explore the essence of existence and challenge brutal subject matter. Her recent collaboration with Hennessy, Chad Easterling, and director Tevin Tavares showcases her ability to translate the reality of creating a legacy.
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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