The ItGirl Directory is like the ultimate group chat for women to connect with a fierce selection of women-led ItGirl agencies and businesses. This is your digital link-up for collaboration, empowerment, and nurturing your personal and creative ventures. Connecting with like-minded women who get you is essential, and the ItGirl Directory makes it possible.
We’re committed to supporting the girlies by providing access to resources and opportunities that amplify personal and creative endeavors.
Get connected with ItGirl-certified and Black women-owned companies, agencies, and freelancers, across marketing, creative production, branding, and more.
Featured Categories: Marketing & Branding | Talent & Creator | Photo & Video
MARKETING & BRANDING
Meet the dot connectors across marketing, branding, strategy, campaigns, experiential, and more. These women pull off large-scale campaigns, brand partnerships, strategic marketing, consulting, press and communication strategy, and much more.
19th & Park
Founded by Tahira White and Whitney Headen, 19th & Park is an agency rooted in strategy, innovation, ideation, and execution — allowing them to create stories that make people feel again and build with brands including Bumble, L'Oreal, and Meta.
SLUG Global
SLUG is a team of young artists from diverse professional backgrounds and disciplines founded by creative director and musical artist Brittany Bosco. The agency specializes in graphic design, web design, digital marketing, original content curation for web and social media, creative direction, immersive set design, and event production across the intersectional spaces of music and culture—leading them to work with brands such as Spotify, Facebook, and many more.
Crown and Conquer
Based in Los Angeles, April McDaniel's Crown + Conquer is an independent agency redefining success for brands based on authenticity. By fostering meaningful cultural interactions, the agency has curated campaigns for Adidas, Amazon Studios, Google, and others.
RTTR
Rachel Wims, a marketing executive, author, and global philanthropist, serves as the founder and CEO of RTTR. Her agency specializes in content production, talent management, and artist creative/brand development. Among Rachel's clientele are notable names such as Jayda Cheaves, Dess Dior, and the beauty brand Topicals.
D28
Specializing in fashion, entertainment, lifestyle, hospitality, and tourism— Shenell Renwick is a Brooklyn-based publicist, storyteller, and co-founder of d28. D28 is a PR and digital marketing agency working with emerging brands and talent including True To Us and Sondér New York.
All Angles Agency
Founded by Evangeline Elder, All Angles Agency is a brand partnerships and integrated marketing engine, powering multicultural platforms in music and entertainment with strategy & consulting across brand deals. AAA connects the dots between the hottest cultural entities and brands looking to create authentic touchpoints with diverse audiences. AAA has worked with artists such as Jean Deaux, Free Nationals, Ambre, as well as cultural platforms Femme It Forward, Hoorae/Raedio, Roc Nation, and more.
OneDayCMO
Emmelie De La Cruz is the founder, marketing consultant, and AI enthusiast of OneDayCMO. Curated through the love for growing small businesses and startups, her omnichannel strategy service allows companies to confidently delegate their marketing thanks to Emmelie and her in-house team of vetted experts.
Third & Hayden
Third & Hayden, founded by Kei Henderson, is a Creative Incubation Hub functioning as a record label, management, and publishing company. We support artists and creators in establishing enduring careers by providing startup artists with foundational capital, strategic guidance, operational support, and essential resources for success. Recently the agency inked a joint venture label deal with SoundCloud.
Creative Collective NYC (CCNYC)
Imani Ellis is the Founder and CEO of The Creative Collective—the largest community of diverse creative professionals in the country. Additionally, Imani is also the creator of CultureCon—an annual IRL event extension of The Creative Collective that prioritizes visibility and opportunity for Black and Brown creatives. With ongoing partnerships with Max, Cash App, and others, Imani continues her mission of building community and fostering cultural collaboration.
Worque + Off Worque
Cristina Jerome, the founder of Worque, operates as a freelance marketer and creative, excelling in talent collaboration, social media, and brand marketing. Initially known for her achievements in the music industry, she spearheaded digital strategy for R&B acts at Keep Cool (RCA Records). Expanding into TV, she contributed to projects like Red Table Talk, Bel-Air, and Rap Sh!t. Subsequently, roles at Topicals and Adidas tapped Cristina to direct social content and lead global brand marketing campaigns. These diverse experiences culminated in the creation of Worque, a community and content marketing agency where Cristina's work, worth, and wins speak for themselves.
SydTheCreative
Sydney Price, also known as SydTheCreative, is a Spelman graduate, creative strategist, content creator, and storyteller. She specializes in helping entertainment and lifestyle brands develop bold creative and meaningful content and strategy. Sydney has collaborated with clients such as Twitter and Adobe.
Sunset Works
Based in LA, Deena Morrison is the founder and producer of Sunset Works Entertainment, a full-service agency specializing in content production and artist development. With over 8 years of experience and a dynamic team, Deena has served clients such as Spotify, ESPN, Nike, Blavity, META, and more.
The Elle Empire
Founded by Elle Houston, the Elle Empire creates dope events for cool brands and cooler people. This agency has been responsible for partnering with Apple Music, Savage X Fenty, and many more.
PopNCreative
After being tired of not seeing women launch and lead in the advertising and marketing industries, founders Lori Hall and Jessica Lane started the Pop’N Creative agency during the pandemic. This agency operates with a mission to see brands win in marketing within a multicultural world— working with brands such as H&M, Hulu, Netflix, Discovery, and many more.
League Twenty Two
Founded by Ashley Henderson, League Twenty Two is a diverse team of forward-thinking millennials bringing unique and bold perspectives to an experiential strategy with over a decade of experience. They infuse cultural authenticity and relevance with expertise to make moments memorable and redefine what’s possible. They specialize in experiential production and fabrication, content curation, and creative strategy rooted in culture. They’ve worked with Clinique, Nike, PrettyLittleThing, SiriusXM and more.
Jessica Roner
An LA native now based in New York, Jessica Roner is a consultant who thrives through illustration, brand storytelling, and creative strategy. With a background in ideating and executing pitches for both global and local campaigns, she excels in repositioning and establishing value within brands. Her diverse portfolio includes collaborations with solo entrepreneurs and larger corporations such as Louis Vuitton and Atlanta Apparel Mart.
Marz Enterprise
Founded by Jasmine C. Green, MARZ Enterprise is committed to revolutionizing the modeling industry through a strong emphasis on diversity and authentic representation. We specialize in tailored creative talent solutions for ad agencies, production companies, casting directors, and beyond.
24:Ours
Founded by Goldie Harris in 2016, 24:OURS is a creative label based in NYC that bridges the gap between music, media, and marketing. Specializing in event and content production, they curate experiences for diverse audiences and true music enthusiasts. Additionally, the 24:OURS Creative Studios serves as a co-working space and full-service rental photography/video studio, offering tailored meeting and event spaces for the musical and creative community.
A Same Different Story
Since 2020, Reegan Houston has orchestrated major global cultural events through her agency, A Same Different Story. Specializing in brand strategy, creative direction, and executive production, she has collaborated with luxury brands and institutions. As a freelance executive producer and creative director, Reegan has partnered with Kendrick Lamar, Migos, Drake, Shawn Carter, The Recording Academy, GQ, LaQuan Smith, Google, Netflix, and others.
Refine Collective and IBandfriends
Founded by IB Majekodunmi, Refine Collective is a digital community promoting and supporting minority-owned businesses and freelancers. Our mission is to empower the underrepresented by directing purchasing power their way. Additionally, our sister company, IB&FRIENDS, specializes in event production and creative consulting.
Ghetto Yolie
Yolanda Hoskey is a Brooklyn native and multi-disciplinary artist based between New York and Los Angeles. Her work challenges the monolithic perception of Blackness — leading to opportunities for partnership with prominent institutions and brands including The New York Times, Bloomberg, FUJIFILM, SNIPES USA, Walmart, and Aperture Magazine.
Imperial Marketing Group (IMG)
Founded by Anastasia Wright, IMG is a strategic marketing agency, consulting house, and talent management company with a long resume across music, culture, and entertainment. They’ve worked with Samsung, Soho House, and more in the brand realm–along with strategic marketing and deals for talent such as Janet Jackson, Mýa, Andrea Valle, Juvenile, Janelle Monáe, and more.
Chanel Hinds
As a freelance creative production manager, Chanel Hinds oversees the planning and execution of creative projects for clients in the fashion, music, and entertainment industries. She manages teams, budgets, schedules, logistics, and vendor relations for projects ranging from modest independent films to sizable commercial shots. Across the span of her career, she has worked with Amazon, Google, Nike, Prada, Awake NY, and more.
The Brownie Agency
The Brownie Agency was founded to address a gap in the market that overlooked the magic of women of color. With backgrounds in fashion and music, founders Ayanna Wilks and Brianna Agyemang leverage their experience to curate events and lifestyle experiences centered around celebrating women of color.
A Gold Consulting
A Gold Consulting, an international boutique agency, was established by New York native Ah-Niyah Gold. As a fashion and beauty consultant, A Gold Consulting is dedicated to carving out space for the next generation, shaping the future of fashion, beauty, and beyond through innovative approaches to PR and VIP relations. With nearly a decade of experience in event production and creative services, Ah-Niyah embarked on her industry journey nearly nine years ago, collaborating with Brittney Escovedo of Beyond 8. Together, they assisted notable clients such as Pyer Moss, Betsey Johnson, and Bobbi Brown. Today, Ahniyah's agency represents exciting brands including Topicals, Black Fashion Fair, Theophilio, Advisry, Black Boy Knits, Bed on Water, and Homage Year.
ASHYA + Equator Productions
Ashley Cimone is a creative director, designer, and producer based in Brooklyn, NY. She co-founded ASHYA in 2017, a New York-based eco-friendly accessories design label that embraces travel, cultural awareness, style, and utility in its DNA. Additionally, she is a partner and executive producer at Equator Productions, a full-service studio at the intersection of art and advertising that has worked with brands like Ghetto Gastro, Nike, New Balance, Spotify, and Amazon.
Private Yard
When it comes to developer Caláh Jones, she is truly in her own lane! Using the power of intuition and technology with the goal of elevating and innovating the creative landscapes of others, Caláh started her experiential design and ideation lab Private Yard to fuel the web design and development needs of the culture — taking on partners who are genuinely committed to evolution. Her clientele has ranged from Renell Medrano and JT of The City Girls to the Collective Gallery and multiple brands within the fashion space.
TALENT & CREATOR AGENCIES
Meet the women who connect POC creators and influencers with brands & help our favorite social media mavens get paid what they deserve.
Agency Cliquish
Taylar Barrington-Booker is the Founder and Head of Talent & Partnerships at Agency Cliquish. Established in 2021 in response to the BLM protests, the agency is dedicated to providing not just corporate commitment but also guidance and support to help Black talent reach their full potential. Today, Agency Cliquish remains committed to culturally relevant, conscious, and advocacy-led influencer management for Black talent in the digital realm.
Kensington Grey
Kensington Grey is an Influencer management agency with a network of over 150+ creators rooted in diversity. Every day, brands, influencers, and social media managers are identifying gaps in the ever-evolving arena of content creation and digital marketing. Founded in 2019, Kensington Grey Agency was created to fill one such hole. Kensington Grey was created to be a direct answer to the lack of representation within the industry.
Black Girl Digital
Created by Latoya Shambo, Black Girl Digital is a mission-driven, award-winning, premium influencer marketing agency advancing the creator economy for Black women and all multicultural creators through fair and equitable brand partnerships.
Human Relations
Founded by PR genius Makensy Smith, LA-based Human Relations is a growth agency specializing in strategic communications and intentional partnerships for unconventional individuals. Smith's clientele includes Iddris Sandu, D Smoke, and NFL linebacker Bobby Wagner.
Agency.ab2
Amber Ajee is a multi-hyphenated muse + force. When she's not steering creative on the RCA label, she's pushing her creative talent house and management company AB2, a management consulting firm and agency that assists individuals and brands in building their true potential and producing their star ideas through the lens of a strategy. One of her clients currently includes the successful emerging artist 4batz who you can hear on every Reel and TikTok right now thanks to his song "act ii: date @ 8."
MEF Agency
MEF Agency, founded by Gabrielle Amai Williams, is a full-service marketing, creative, and social agency dedicated to maximizing the potential of businesses, brands, influencers, and entrepreneurs. They specialize in sales, social media, brand awareness, and PR— garnering clientele from Sephora, NARS, Nike, and Live Nation.
Blk Girl Studios
Ibukun Oladejo is the founder of Blk Grl Studios, a creative agency for Black influencers. She spearheads digital marketing, collaborating with major Black influencers on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube to amplify their presence and partner them with brands for inclusive social media campaigns. Notable clients include Nike, Afropunk, Sony Music, and MissGuided.
Beyond 8
Brittney Escovedo is an event producer and owner of the internationally successful agency Beyond 8. Beyond 8 is an events and lifestyle marketing company that curates events that go beyond the ordinary—offering innovative and immersive experiences. Beyond 8 has worked with Google, Saint Heron, Kering, Hood By Air, Uniqlo, Red Bull, and many more as their clientele list is ENDLESS! We stan!
abc group NYC
Jodi-Lee Reece is an experiential producer who's skilled in event management, production, contract negotiation, leadership, and experiential design. She is also the co-founder of ABC GROUP NY— a boutique experiential agency that specializes in event production and brand marketing within the fashion, lifestyle, tech, and entertainment industries.
BLK Girl Fest Studios
Founded by Nicole Krystal Crentsil, Black Girl Fest Studios is a cultural studio and consultancy specializing in social innovation, community, and experiences. Notable clients include Pinterest and eBay.
PHOTO & MEDIA VENDORS
Meet the women who create visual magic on the daily, across music videos, short- and long-form content, production, design, web, and more.
Trey Dgtl | Director + Producer
Founded by the visionary Treya Bolin, TREY DGTL is a dynamic production powerhouse specializing in visual storytelling. From immersive documentaries to short-form content, TREY DGTL has directed and produced for renowned clients such as Parsons, BET, Complex, American Express, Givenchy, Milk Makeup, and more. Treya Bolin's capabilities know no bounds.
Annie Bercy | Director + Photographer
From film directing, photography, video editing, graphic designing, and producing, Annie Bercy plays many roles in media. Working with the likes of SZA, Cardi B, and countless brands, there's no doubt that Annie's work has an iconic look and feel that simply cannot be duplicated.
Babe Cave LA | Director + Photographer
Randijah Simmons is a multidisciplinary artist and entrepreneur. In the summer of 2020, she opened up The Babe Cave LA and whether you're in the LA area or glued to your socials, you can always catch Randijah's work going viral across your timeline. Tinashe, Kari Faux, Flyana Boss, and Amaarae have been amongst her clientele and we think it's safe to say that this is just a taste of the opportunities to come.
Renell Medrano | Director + Photographer
Reigning from the Bronx, Renell Medrano is a Dominican-American photographer and director who continuously dominates our mooboards, TL's, and every editorial moment in between. Known for her raw and authentic approach to creative direction, Renell has photographed people like Kendall Jenner and Tyler The Creator to Jay-Z and André 3000, beauty brands like Burberry and Fenty, and has had multiple editorial pieces published under her name. And when she's not capturing shots, you can catch her steering her Ice Studios brand or inspiring the girls through her passion for fashion.
Keenan MacWilliam | Director + Photographer
Keenan MacWilliam is a Guyanese-Canadian filmmaker, creative director, and photographer whose style is inspired by the beauty of spontaneity and the observation of the human experience. Throughout her career, Keenan has collaborated with industry entities such as i-D, Spotify, The North Face, SZA, Hawa, and many others.
Exquisite Eye Studios | Director + Photographer
Breyona Holt who you may recognize as "Exquisite Eye" is an Atlanta native and artist who celebrates the timeless beauty and richness of Blackness. Inspired by her father's archival photography, Holt's work sparks dialogue about depicting Black skin, infusing vibrant colors and lushness to convey the intricacies of Black experiences. Collaborating with figures from sports, music, and fashion, including Serena Williams, SZA, Normani, and Kimora Lee Simmons, her imagery explores spiritual liberation and ethereal connections.
Nailah Howze #NaiShotThat | Director + Photographer
Nailah Howze, known as CloudNai, excels at capturing the essence of the Black community through her photography, showcasing the beauty of various cities and providing representation for the underrepresented. Her clientele includes New Balance, Adidas (with Yara Shahidi), Migos, Summer Walker, Big Sean, and numerous others.
Brain Studios
Kin Marie is a Chicago-based artist, film producer, post-colorist, and co-founder of the production company Brain Studios. Kin passionately prioritizes the visual culture of Afrofuturism—exploring its social implications and its potential as a blueprint for cultural evolution. Her work continues to serve as a platform for critical research and experimentation, examining the intersection of art, media, and social dynamics.
Dana Scruggs | Director + Photographer
Dana Scruggs, originally from Chicago's Southside, is a photographer and director based in New York. Her work centers on movement, abstraction, and eliciting emotion from the human form. Scruggs' distinctive vision has attracted clients worldwide, including Vanity Fair, SKKN, TIME, Rolling Stone, Glossier, The New York Times, Nike, Apple, GQ, and others.
The Ally Green | Director + Photographer
Alexandria Green, aka "The Ally Green," is a highly accomplished Black woman photographer and director based in LA, with NY as a secondary base. Starting in Houston, TX, she turned her early passion for photography into a full-time career by 18. Her impressive portfolio features collaborations with brands like Nike, HBO, and Toyota, and artists such as Travis Scott, Normani, and Kehlani. She's also partnered with Delta Airlines, Puma, Adidas, and luxury fashion houses like Dior, Versace, and Brandon Blackwood.
Renae Watson | Director + Photographer
Renae Wootson, also known as IIRONIC, is a visionary photographer whose work blends expressionism, portraiture, and documentary photography. With a focus on authenticity and depth, her work is described as 'visual poetry,' balancing simplicity with layered complexity. Collaborating with notable names such as Rolling Stone, Billboard, Alicia Keys, and Ralph Lauren, Wootson captures the intricacies of life and people through mood, emotion, and expression, embodying the core of her artistic ethos.
Milana Burdette | Director of Photography + Artist
Venice native Milana Burdette, a director of photography and artist, delves into the universal human experience through surreal visual narratives. By combining analog and experimental techniques, she crafts distorted dreamscapes that explore the essence of existence and challenge brutal subject matter. Her recent collaboration with Hennessy, Chad Easterling, and director Tevin Tavares showcases her ability to translate the reality of creating a legacy.
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
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Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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