As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Maya's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
Neptune illusion. My Venus was opposing my Neptune in my chart--that's how it started. If you're into astrology, then you know what this means. If not, it's another way of saying, "I didn't listen." I was seeing my relationship with rose-colored glasses. Sometimes we see people with the good energy we have and we try to project that onto them, energy that they don't have by the way. But it's all a lie.
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2016. What a terrible year. I was in such a bad head space in life. My energy was always drained, and I was having confidence issues. I never felt good in my own skin or in my abilities.
And why? I was in a toxic relationship.
GiphyIt all started when my boyfriend and I planned to attend an event catered to rappers, singers, creatives, artists, influencers, and more, in LA. And because we had all the same friends, we decided to go as a group. I actually planned to meet everyone there because I had some things to take care of first, so I came about 30 minutes after our group did. When I arrived, I texted him to let him know I was there but he didn't respond. In fact, no one in our group was responding.
In their defense, the cell phone reception was terrible, I couldn't get through, and no one was answering. This particular event was massive; there was no way I was going to just run into them, so I decided to go in and see if I knew anyone else. Roughly an hour later, I got in contact with one of the people in the group, and linked up with them. Finally, right? Hm.
I see my boyfriend and we hug and greet each other the way we usually do and we all decide to walk around. The event was a vibe, I loved everything about it. We were taking pictures, meeting people, chatting with other artists and celebs--just really getting involved in the mix of things.
But unbeknownst to me, during the time I was lost, he met this girl. Let's call her 'Ashley.'
Ashley was an artist; a singer. Actually kind of popular, you may know her. She does her thing out here, not gonna lie, very beautiful woman as well. Anyway, my boyfriend met this girl, and what he told me was it wasn't on a flirty tip or anything, just a networking vibe, which I respected. The event was over and we went back to our relationship bliss, literally living our best lives together because we had what I thought was a great relationship.
Chiiiile.
He started doing subtle things--things like getting real funky about his phone. But I would always write it off as me being paranoid because he just did all this great stuff for me, or because 'we had a great Valentine's Day' or whatever the case may be. But it wasn't right, y'all, something just wasn't right. And it slowly started to eat away at me. I tried to ignore it, y'all, I tried.
Additionally, during that time, I was exploring and becoming more in tune with my spirituality, and I had just got my first deck of tarot cards. Now, I'm flipping cards all day long, but at that time, I remember I was nervous pulling the cards--almost scared (I grew up in a Christian household, and there's a lot of things they tell you about magic and divination, as such I had to release those belief systems and fear around those things). But anyway, I remember I started asking the cards and asking my intuition to speak through me and basically tell me what's going on.
Is he cheating on me? Card: Yes.
Is he cheating on me? Card: Yes.
Is he cheating on me? Card: Girl, yes.
Y'all, I asked multiple, multiple, multiple times. And the answer always came up as 'yes.' But wait, this can't be right. Am I doing something wrong? Am I pulling my own thoughts into the reading? I would have dreams about him cheating, are these dreams infiltrating my thoughts? Am I denying my intuition?
It was time to go see my psychic.
GiphyI went to one of my favorite psychics that I always go to, and I basically straight up asked him. I didn't sugar coat it at all, I needed the truth and I knew he would give it to me (which sidebar: if your psychic doesn't give it to you raw and uncut, then you need to find a new one).
He told me that my boyfriend wasn't physically cheating on me yet, that he wasn't having sex with anyone, but that eventually he would and he gave me a time frame.
He told me he was going to meet this girl soon and when he does, it's not good, it's not pretty. I was devastated. I was disappointed. This was my soulmate. What am I supposed to do? What would you do?
It never occurred to me that the process had already started.
One morning, I had to get up early and when my alarm went off, I went for his phone to set the timer for a few more minutes. When I tell you he woke up out of his sleep and snatched his phone back so fast, like...I couldn't believe it. I knew exactly what it was. He went back to sleep and I grabbed his phone and began to go through it, and there it all was. Him and Ashley flirting, going back and forth, discussing being in a relationship, and more. They were planning to link up the next day to do their thing and all.
As for me, it was my first heartbreak.
My mind was going crazy. I woke him up, told him to leave, and that was it. I was done.
I tell my story for this reason, ladies: red flags are real. I had all the signs, I had all the confirmations, I had the answer I was looking for all along. My spirit was frickin yelling at me and I was stuck in this Neptune delusion. Society teaches us that we can't trust psychics or that it's magic crap that we cannot apply to our lives, and that's simply not true. Trust your psychics. Your divine feminine energy is your gift.
I think back to this relationship, and realized I was so insecure at this time, which basically determined why and how I behaved or accepted other's behaviors towards me. It took me a long time to bounce back and to really find myself. So, always listen to your divine intuition, always listen to what your heart is telling you. Your angels will speak, your Gods will speak, and most importantly, your higher self will speak to you and guide you as they should.
And a good psychic, too.
Jaelyn is a spiritual guru who specializes in helping women awaken their inner goddess. Her mission is to bring the world content that uplifts, enlightens and makes people laugh too. Follow her on Instagram @itsbabyj.
Featured image via Jaelyn/@itsbabyj
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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