I Figured Out Why Men Didn’t Like Women Like Me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up sharing a bed, apartment, and life with a man whose morning routine was to lazily have a sex session and to start watching conspiracy theory videos. At that moment, I had to ask myself, why am I stooping so fuckin’ low?
I was new to the city, tired of the dating scene, and peeped my first grey hair under my wig, so I freaked out and rushed into a whirlwind romance. Yes, like a weakling, I took a man who I barely knew at face value after a few dates and some bomb ding-a-ling without properly vetting or testing him for longevity and true compatibility. I went against my instincts to keep it player after our first sexual encounter and stuck around for the love bombing, future faking, and in retrospect, very predictable abuse soon to follow.
I may have been dumb, but at the time, I figured at least I was “high maintenance” with a man who provided for me. He was so addicted to my feminine energy and my coochie that he wanted me to quit my job so I could be more supportive of his endeavors and have the time to tend to my wifely duties while carrying his 4th child. I wasn't going to be like his exes, I was taken ring shopping because I was different, and I made him want to settle down, and… you see how delusional I was?
This relationship was a counterfeit, and it was just enough to match the low level of self-love I had at that time. Ironically, to find the strength to leave required me to remember who the fuck I was.
Not my accomplishments, not my looks, not my possessions but underneath all of that, a divinely feminine woman that has the power to create the life that I desire. To be honest, at the time, I did not do the work needed to heal from a traumatic past, and lazily imagined a relationship where, like some fairytale, a man was going absolve me from that. By sweeping me off my feet romantically and being a provider of safety and love, I would reach the promised land as long as I stayed submissive and I played my role as the virtuous, self-sacrificing woman.
Now at this point, you are probably wondering who was the fan of conspiracy theories here... me or him? Well, life ain’t no fairytale, and I allowed myself to be pushed to the edge until I had no choice except for choosing between this all-encompassing relationship or myself.
I Spartan-ed up, kicked his dusty ass off the mountain like I was in the movie three hundred, got myself to my place, into therapy, and head down into the life-transformative book, Why Men Don’t Love Women Like You by G.L. Lambert. And, would you like to know exactly why men didn't love women like me?
Because I didn’t love myself enough to devote the time to become whole and confident in my worthiness of a healthy relationship beyond my ability to endure abuse, be selfless, sacrificing, and subservient.
What I loved about the author is that he is a womanist at his core and points out how a woman's value in a relationship, does not lie in what she can do for a man. A woman is at her peak of power when she realizes her priority is self-preservation and self-care. He explains that with each failed relationship there is a certain level of personal responsibility we must take to access our true power:
“A man will only fuck you over if you let him, but so many women refuse to take responsibility. Their egos paint this picture that they fell for a man who had no warning signs, who was a master manipulator, and they were nearly an unsuspecting victim in his dishonest game.
"If you think a man can gain mental power over a woman without her giving it, you are either delusional or stupid. You control who gains access to your heart, but the first step is preventing these bums from gaining access to your ears.”
I’ve learned that when it comes to love and relationships, it's so common and incredibly easy to point the finger at the person who is doing dirt without airing out the ways I am doing myself dirty. The relationships we choose closely mirror the ones that we have with ourselves. After much healing of my feminine energy (and my energy in general) in the form of seeking professional therapy, I realized I constantly betrayed myself by settling out of fear and desperation. I spent so much time angry at others for not prioritizing me while I was constantly putting myself in the passenger seat of my own life.
In his book, Lambert explains:
“You are a woman. You can withstand immeasurable amounts of pain, show unconditional love, and give birth to life...you are the shit! Men kill, wage wars, lie, steal, pay, beg, and betray each other for women. Are you really going to believe the bullshit that you are soft, replaceable, are just a sexual release? You are the most powerful of all human beings.
"It is time to embrace this fact and shake off the habits and traditions that men have settled you with in order to keep you obedient and unsure of your place in this world. Take some time to appreciate how important you are in regard to the role that you play in this universe. Spend a moment basking in how potentially great you could be once you had the self-esteem of not giving a fuck.”
Show a man that you will stick with him through His worst behavior, and he will keep showing you his worst behavior. Struggle love doesn’t lead to change. It leads to more struggle...
— G.L. Lambert (@8plus9) February 5, 2021
Lambert's work ultimately helped me realize that the mindset and actions of "me comes before he or she" will ultimately lead to both the life and relationship that I desire because I am allowing space for the caliber of men to enter my life and show up. When it comes to the men that I am attracting, they are not supposed to take over my life. They are meant to enhance it for the better.
I am balancing my feminine energy by pouring way more into my self-care rituals, reflecting and releasing the past by daily journaling, and forcing myself to evolve instead of running back to people, places, and mindsets that have proven not to be beneficial to me. My garden is starting to bloom again. Less and less, I feel the need to prove what I bring to a relationship by exerting masculine energy walking around advertising myself like the latest model of an iPhone and am instead focused on leaning back and observing, giving men space to reveal themselves and their character. I am more focused on letting men (yes, dating more than one at a time) prove themselves to me and continue to show their feelings through actions instead of just words.
Self-love does not happen overnight. It takes practice, acceptance, consistency, compassion, and intentionality. By doing the hard work to consciously reach and maintain a certain level of self-love, I cannot accept less than that level of energy from a man wanting my romance. I'm learning that self-love is the very foundation of my dating process because if 'I loved myself as much as I loved the idea of a man's validation, I would be unstoppable.
'I've learned that while dating, if I find myself having to justify a man's behavior to my loved ones, then that's enough reason for me to release that fish back into the sea because that's a huge red flag. I learned it is very important to date a man who is secure within himself. Saying I am the prize is not enough. I have to live like the prize that I am. I have to be out here doing my own thing, keeping the mystery, continuing to have my own life, continuing to love myself. I have to continue to discover myself and not be afraid to show my personality.
Putting myself on a pedestal is something that I will never regret. The key is putting myself on a pedestal for things that people cannot take away, like my fearlessness and my character.
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New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Why Do Millennials & Gen-Zers Still Feel Like Teenagers? The Pandemic Might Be The Reason.
There’s nothing quite as humbling as navigating adulthood with no instruction manual. Since the turn of the decade, it seems like everything in our society that could go wrong has, inevitably, gone wrong. From the global pandemic, our crippling student debt problem, the loneliness crisis, layoffs, global warming, recession, and not to mention figuring out what to eat for dinner every night. This constant state of uncertainty has many of us wondering, when are the grown-ups coming to fix all of this?
But the catch is, we are the new grown-ups.
As if it happened without our permission, we became the new adults. We are the members of society who are paying taxes, having children, getting married, and keeping our communities afloat, one iced latte at a time. Still, there’s something about doing all these grown-up duties that feel unnaturally grown-up. Enter the #teenagegirlinher20s.
If there’s one hashtag to give you the state of the next cohort of adults, it’s this one. Of the videos that have garnered over 3.9M views, you’ll find a collection of users who are overwhelmed by life’s pressing existential responsibilities, clung to nostalgia, and reminiscent of the days when their mom and dad took care of their insurance plans.
@charlies444ngel no like i cant explain to her why i had to buy multiple tank air dupes from aritzia #teenagegirlinher20s #fyp
The concept of being a 20-something or 30-something teenager is linked to the sentiment of not feeling “grown up enough” to do grown-up things while feeling underprepared and even nihilistic about whether that preparation even matters.
It’s our generation’s version of when we ask our grandmothers how old they are and they simply reply with, “I still feel 45,” all while being every bit of 76 years old. In this, we share a warped concept of time while clinging to a desire for infantilization.
Granted, the pandemic did a number on our concept of time. Many of us who started the pandemic in our early or mid-20s missed out on three fundamental years of socialization, career development, and personal milestones that traditionally help to mark our growth.
Our time to figure out and plan our next steps through fumbling yet active participation was put on pause indefinitely and then resumed provisionally. This in turn has left many of us hanging in the balance of uncertainty as we try to make sense of the disconnect between our minds and bodies in this missing gap of time.
Because we’re all still figuring out what the ramifications of being locked away and frozen in time by a global pandemic will have on us as a society, there really is no “right” way of making up for lost time. Feeling unprepared for any new chapter of life is a natural rite of passage, pandemic or not. However, it’s important to not stay stuck in the last age or period of life that made sense to us because self-growth is the truest evidence of personal progress.
So whether you’re leaning on your inner child, teenager, or 20-something for guidance as you fill the gap between your real age and pandemic age, know that it’s okay to grieve the person you thought you would be and the milestones you thought you’d hit before you ever knew what a pandemic was. If there’s anything that the pandemic taught us, it’s that we have the power to reimagine a better world and life for ourselves. And if we tap into our inner teenager as a compass, we can piece together our next chapter with a fresh outlook.
Sure, we’ve lost a couple of years, but there are still some really amazing ones ahead.
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