I knew I fucked up when I woke up sharing a bed, apartment, and life with a man whose morning routine was to lazily have a sex session and to start watching conspiracy theory videos. At that moment, I had to ask myself, why am I stooping so fuckin’ low?
I was new to the city, tired of the dating scene, and peeped my first grey hair under my wig, so I freaked out and rushed into a whirlwind romance. Yes, like a weakling, I took a man who I barely knew at face value after a few dates and some bomb ding-a-ling without properly vetting or testing him for longevity and true compatibility. I went against my instincts to keep it player after our first sexual encounter and stuck around for the love bombing, future faking, and in retrospect, very predictable abuse soon to follow.
I may have been dumb, but at the time, I figured at least I was “high maintenance” with a man who provided for me. He was so addicted to my feminine energy and my coochie that he wanted me to quit my job so I could be more supportive of his endeavors and have the time to tend to my wifely duties while carrying his 4th child. I wasn't going to be like his exes, I was taken ring shopping because I was different, and I made him want to settle down, and… you see how delusional I was?
This relationship was a counterfeit, and it was just enough to match the low level of self-love I had at that time. Ironically, to find the strength to leave required me to remember who the fuck I was.
Not my accomplishments, not my looks, not my possessions but underneath all of that, a divinely feminine woman that has the power to create the life that I desire. To be honest, at the time, I did not do the work needed to heal from a traumatic past, and lazily imagined a relationship where, like some fairytale, a man was going absolve me from that. By sweeping me off my feet romantically and being a provider of safety and love, I would reach the promised land as long as I stayed submissive and I played my role as the virtuous, self-sacrificing woman.
Now at this point, you are probably wondering who was the fan of conspiracy theories here... me or him? Well, life ain’t no fairytale, and I allowed myself to be pushed to the edge until I had no choice except for choosing between this all-encompassing relationship or myself.
I Spartan-ed up, kicked his dusty ass off the mountain like I was in the movie three hundred, got myself to my place, into therapy, and head down into the life-transformative book, Why Men Don’t Love Women Like You by G.L. Lambert. And, would you like to know exactly why men didn't love women like me?
Because I didn’t love myself enough to devote the time to become whole and confident in my worthiness of a healthy relationship beyond my ability to endure abuse, be selfless, sacrificing, and subservient.
What I loved about the author is that he is a womanist at his core and points out how a woman's value in a relationship, does not lie in what she can do for a man. A woman is at her peak of power when she realizes her priority is self-preservation and self-care. He explains that with each failed relationship there is a certain level of personal responsibility we must take to access our true power:
“A man will only fuck you over if you let him, but so many women refuse to take responsibility. Their egos paint this picture that they fell for a man who had no warning signs, who was a master manipulator, and they were nearly an unsuspecting victim in his dishonest game.
"If you think a man can gain mental power over a woman without her giving it, you are either delusional or stupid. You control who gains access to your heart, but the first step is preventing these bums from gaining access to your ears.”
I’ve learned that when it comes to love and relationships, it's so common and incredibly easy to point the finger at the person who is doing dirt without airing out the ways I am doing myself dirty. The relationships we choose closely mirror the ones that we have with ourselves. After much healing of my feminine energy (and my energy in general) in the form of seeking professional therapy, I realized I constantly betrayed myself by settling out of fear and desperation. I spent so much time angry at others for not prioritizing me while I was constantly putting myself in the passenger seat of my own life.
In his book, Lambert explains:
“You are a woman. You can withstand immeasurable amounts of pain, show unconditional love, and give birth to life...you are the shit! Men kill, wage wars, lie, steal, pay, beg, and betray each other for women. Are you really going to believe the bullshit that you are soft, replaceable, are just a sexual release? You are the most powerful of all human beings.
"It is time to embrace this fact and shake off the habits and traditions that men have settled you with in order to keep you obedient and unsure of your place in this world. Take some time to appreciate how important you are in regard to the role that you play in this universe. Spend a moment basking in how potentially great you could be once you had the self-esteem of not giving a fuck.”
Show a man that you will stick with him through His worst behavior, and he will keep showing you his worst behavior. Struggle love doesn’t lead to change. It leads to more struggle...
— G.L. Lambert (@8plus9) February 5, 2021
Lambert's work ultimately helped me realize that the mindset and actions of "me comes before he or she" will ultimately lead to both the life and relationship that I desire because I am allowing space for the caliber of men to enter my life and show up. When it comes to the men that I am attracting, they are not supposed to take over my life. They are meant to enhance it for the better.
I am balancing my feminine energy by pouring way more into my self-care rituals, reflecting and releasing the past by daily journaling, and forcing myself to evolve instead of running back to people, places, and mindsets that have proven not to be beneficial to me. My garden is starting to bloom again. Less and less, I feel the need to prove what I bring to a relationship by exerting masculine energy walking around advertising myself like the latest model of an iPhone and am instead focused on leaning back and observing, giving men space to reveal themselves and their character. I am more focused on letting men (yes, dating more than one at a time) prove themselves to me and continue to show their feelings through actions instead of just words.
Self-love does not happen overnight. It takes practice, acceptance, consistency, compassion, and intentionality. By doing the hard work to consciously reach and maintain a certain level of self-love, I cannot accept less than that level of energy from a man wanting my romance. I'm learning that self-love is the very foundation of my dating process because if 'I loved myself as much as I loved the idea of a man's validation, I would be unstoppable.
'I've learned that while dating, if I find myself having to justify a man's behavior to my loved ones, then that's enough reason for me to release that fish back into the sea because that's a huge red flag. I learned it is very important to date a man who is secure within himself. Saying I am the prize is not enough. I have to live like the prize that I am. I have to be out here doing my own thing, keeping the mystery, continuing to have my own life, continuing to love myself. I have to continue to discover myself and not be afraid to show my personality.
Putting myself on a pedestal is something that I will never regret. The key is putting myself on a pedestal for things that people cannot take away, like my fearlessness and my character.
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New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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You'd Be Amazed How Much These 10 Essential Oils Can Give You Some Blissful Sleep
If you’re someone who has a sleep routine (or you’re seriously thinking about creating one), please make sure that you incorporate scent into it. Although things like a cooler temperature in your bedroom, incorporating nature sounds (like rain or ocean waves via a sound machine or even a YouTube channel) and even sipping on some tart cherry juice are proven ways to get you the quality of rest that you’re after, science says that your sense of smell shouldn’t be overlooked.
In fact, aromatherapy is quite powerful when it comes to promoting calm and relaxation, helping to put you into an optimistic mood, reducing stress, preventing insomnia, and improving how soundly you are able to sleep throughout the night. And so, since I’m such an essential oils fan (and I truly am!), let’s get into 10 that will help you to rest well — thanks to the way that they smell along with a few other benefits that they are able to offer you too.
Essential Oils for Better Sleep
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1. Lavender
When it comes to essential oils that are best for you in the “rest and relaxation department,” lavender may be the most popular one. That’s because it is well known for doing everything from reducing pain and inflammation and making menstrual cramps less intense to lowering anxiety and increasing your melatonin levels. On a super scientific note, something else that’s cool about lavender oil is it works with your body’s neurotransmitters in order to reduce restlessness if you happen to be someone who doesn’t sleep soundly due to tossing and turning all throughout the night.
2. Cedarwood
Although I’ve always liked the earthy scent of cedarwood, something that caused it to earn my respect was reading about how it’s an all-natural way to improve the attention span of children who’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Beyond that, as far as calming oneself goes, cedarwood oil is able to soothe arthritic discomfort, reduce coughing (if a cold is what’s keeping you up), decrease the itchiness and irritation that comes with eczema, lower your stress levels, and, yes, improve your quality of sleep if you’re someone who happens to rest yet not really…rest well.
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3. Patchouli
Another oil that has a solid reputation for decreasing bodily inflammation is patchouli. Some other things that make it stellar are the facts that it helps to ward off depression-related symptoms (if that is what keeps you up at night), puts you in a better mood, boosts your immunity (so that being under the weather doesn’t prevent you from catching some zzz’s) and it even intensifies your libido — ‘cause chile, ain’t nothin’ like the sleep that you get after having an orgasm…or two. Oh, and it absolutely must go on record that patchouli oil also acts as a sedative if you’ve been dealing with insomnia as of late as well.
4. Marjoram
Women who are looking for an all-natural way to regulate their hormones (check out “5 Signs Your Estrogen Is Too High. 5 Signs It's Too Low.”) might want to speak with their doctor (or homeopath) about trying marjoram oil. Some research says that it can help to balance hormones which can make PMS and the latter stages of perimenopause more tolerable (which can make falling and staying asleep easier to do too). Marjoram is also helpful when it comes to reducing pain, easing digestion, and alleviating anxiety.
Plus, since marjoram is an oil that is high in magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that can help you to get to sleep, stay asleep, and then wake up feeling refreshed — so long as you’re not pregnant or breastfeeding (you should consult your doctor first if you are because it can sometimes produce side effects in your case), you definitely should give marjoram a shot.
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5. Ylang Ylang
Typically, when I think of the essential oil ylang ylang, what comes to my mind is how it can make for a very eventful evening…if you catch my drift (check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm”); however, it can actually help you out in more areas of your life than just your bedroom. Ylang ylang is another oil that helps to reduce pain and anxiety. Something else to keep in mind about ylang ylang is if you’re having a hard time falling asleep due to something like a headache or even respiratory issues, putting a couple of drops into a diffuser could bring some relief. That’s because ylang ylang is also classified as being a sedative — one that can even help to lower the blood pressure in your bae (healthy men) if need be.
6. Fennel
As a doula, something that I’m well aware of is the fact that fennel seeds can help (some) mothers to produce more breast milk. It doesn’t stop there, though. If sleep is evading you due to gas or constipation, fennel oil can help you out there. Some scientific research also says that it’s the kind of oil that can help you feel less anxious if you’re trying to rest after a long hard day. And, since fennel is known for making sleeping better when it’s in tea form, I don’t see why it wouldn’t do the same thing as an essential oil too.
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7. Valerian Root
If you’re looking for the kind of essential oil that will help you to relax, on pretty much every level, look no further than valerian root. The properties in it are going to help to calm your nervous system, soothe headache tension, lower your stress levels, decrease menstrual cramp discomfort, bring relief to hot flashes (that come with perimenopause) and yes, it’s an all-natural approach to insomnia as well. Although many choose to use it in supplement form, applying valerian root oil to pressure points like your feet can also provide a very relaxing and impactful effect.
8. Jasmine
If you check out my article, “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” from back in the day, you’ll see that jasmine is another essential oil that is considered to be a pretty potential one if you’re looking to boost you (or your partner’s libido). I get why too because its floral-meets-fruity scent can be quite sensual. Beyond the bedroom, jasmine can help you to feel less stressed and anxious, experience less menstrual-related discomfort, and make you feel less depressed — and yes, it contains properties that qualify the oil to be a sedative. This is especially the case if you blend it with another soothing essential oil like lavender.
9. Clary Sage
If pretty much nothing but perimenopause symptoms are what’s keeping you awake at night, you might want to keep a bottle of clary sage oil on your nightstand because it can help to decrease night sweats by naturally “leveling out” the estrogen that may be on a bit of a roller coaster ride in your system right through here. Other things that this oil can do is reduce stress and help to relax your system. Not to mention the fact that if menstrual cramps are what’s keeping you up, some women say that rubbing some of the oil (add a carrier oil like sweet almond or avocado to the oil to dilute it a bit, please) to your abdominal region can provide quite a bit of relief.
10. Vetiver
Final one. In my opinion, it’s kind of surprising that vetiver essential oil isn’t mentioned more in the holistic care space. For starters, it has been celebrated for providing support for children with ADHD as well as decreasing nervousness and anxiety in adults. Some other ways that this oil can benefit you is it’s the kind of aphrodisiac that raises testosterone levels while lowering cortisol ones (cortisol is a stress hormone that’s in your body) which can intensify orgasms and promote great rest — and yes, it’s also mentioned quite often in the sleep-inducing space.
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You know, I once read that since 2010, the amount of people who rely on sleeping pills to get to sleep has pretty much doubled. Since the side effects of the long-term use of over-the-counter sedatives include things like headaches, muscle weakness, digestion issues, and even louder snoring and sleeplessness, consider trying one of these essential oils before popping a pill. As you can see, not only can certain oils help to lull you to sleep — but they can help in so many other areas too. Happy resting, chile.
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