OK. Before we get all deep into this, let me just put a disclaimer up. It's been proven that, on average, a man can have an orgasm in a little under five minutes (no shocker there) while us ladies, we need a good 20-25 minutes or so (although one study said the average time is 13.5 minutes). I am a huge advocate of the female species gettin' theirs—and enjoying every moment of the process—as often as possible so, by no means, is this article about how to rush the overall process. Quickies are cool (and sometimes very necessary), but I don't know any woman who always or only wants sex to last as long as the commercial break between her favorite television show.
With all of that out of the way, what I'm about to share is how to make the peak of sex happen quicker—just in case you want to have several back-to-back, you want to have simultaneous ones with your partner more often or you simply want to teach your body how to not take 20 minutes if you don't want to wait that long.
As a heads up, there's a far greater chance that you can shave somewhere around 10 minutes off of your time if you do at least five of these things during each of your sessions. The good news about that is, as you're about to see in just a sec, I can't see one good reason why you wouldn't want to check all of these off of your sex-sessions-to-do list at least every other time you have sex with anyone. You'll see why I say that in just a minute.
Become a “Sextpert”
Thankfully, I've never been with a man who wasn't a fan of foreplay. Not only did they all enjoy partaking in it, they liked to mentally "set the stage" hours, days even, before anything went down; only my experience of pre-play was a bit different. Back when I was sexually active, I don't remember people being as text-consumed as they are now. I don't know about you but I know women in their late 70s who prefer doing it to talking on the phone!
Since that's the way it is in these streets, you might as well get good at sexting. From what I hear, it's one of the best kinds of foreplay when you and your partner are not in the same room with one another. If you're not already a pro at doing it, some sexting apps you might want to try are Kaboom (it functions like a sexy form of Snapchat), Confide (it makes screenshotting virtually impossible) and Dust (it not only encrypts your messages but no personal data is required; all you need is a name and password). Another thing that you can do is become fluent in sex emoji language. The Cut is a site that features a pretty extensive sex emoji list. Other than that, just remember to use your imagination and have lots of fun!
Now that you know how to protect your goodies—in word and in deed—from everyone but your partner, you can dirty text and nudie shot to your heart's content. I'd venture to say that just about anyone is ready to climax after sexting their partner all day long.
Extend the Foreplay
Speaking of foreplay, does it really need to go on record that the longer it lasts, the easier orgasms will be? Kissing. Fondling. Massages. Strip teases. Sexy board games. Making out (indoors or out). Impromptu lingerie (or nude) modeling. Shaving your man's face. Letting him shave you elsewhere. Bathing together. Enjoying a meal of nothing but aphrodisiacs. Discussing each other's fantasies. Something all of these things have in common is they qualify as being foreplay. The more build-up there is leading to the sex, the better the sex will be once it happens. So get off of the foreplay clock, take your time and enjoy each other.
Light Some Jasmine-Scented Candles
One of my favorite medical-related websites is Dr. Axe and he just happens to be a fan of one of my favorite scents—jasmine. According to him, jasmine essential oil reduces anxiety and stress, fights depression, relieves chronic fatigue syndrome, is a reliable PMS remedy and is also a tried-and-true aphrodisiac. The reason why it works on the arousal tip is because jasmine is able to increase your blood circulation, body temperature and overall breathing rate.
Placing jasmine directly onto your body is definitely one way to get you and your partner revved up. Taking a shower together with jasmine oil in your diffuser and then lighting some jasmine-scented soy candles (soy ones last longer and burn cleaner) in your bedroom is a great idea too; being that it will heighten your sense of smell, and women with strong smelling abilities are able to have more orgasms. It's proven.
Tell Him “More Neck Time, Please”
A few years back, TIME published an article about what science considers to be women's most intense erogenous zones. Guess what won out? It wasn't just the standard breasts and clitoris; it was also a woman's neck, forearm and abdomen. The neck is what intrigued me the most, so I went to look up why.
Apparently, our necks are extremely sensitive to light touch; especially the nape and back of the neck. As far as a man's favorite foreplay go-to spot, our breasts, they respond well to pressure and vibration; however, because they are so sensitive, there needs to be a switch-up in focus. After too long, it can be less sexy and more annoying. That's why men should explore more than just…the obvious.
Anyway, sex experts say that the more our neck is played with, the quicker an orgasm will come.
Bring Some Coconut and Cinnamon Oil into the Mix
If you want to speed up your climax, more lubrication is most definitely gonna help you to get the job done. A lot of doctors sing the praises of coconut oil because it's a natural option that contains antibacterial properties. I will give you a heads up that although coconut oil is dope, it can sometimes be a little too harsh. If after using it, you feel itchy, it could be because the properties in it have disrupted your pH balance. In this case, an alternative is sweet almond oil or an organic lubricant brand like Sliquid Organics Natural Lubricating Gel (it's pretty affordable on Amazon).
Once you've got the right oil, add a little cinnamon essential oil to it. Not only is it naturally sweet to the taste buds, but it provides a tingly sensation that will set off more than a couple of fireworks!
Get Your Belly Button Some (More) Attention
Here's the phrase for today—"naval fetishization". It's all centered around the fact that some of us are able to have orgasms when our belly buttons are given the much-needed attention that they deserve. What makes it all happen? Legend has it that when our belly button is stimulated, it arouses the vagus nerve which is a nerve that connects our brain to our cervix. When that happens, an orgasm is just around the corner.
Sounds to me like that's one more place that men shouldn't underestimate. Point your partner into that direction and let me know if that triggers anything for you.
Be a Queen Who’s “Queening”
You are a queen, so why wouldn't you be out here queening? What is that exactly? It's the slang term for face-sitting. As far as the cunnilingus portion of why this will give you an orgasm faster, I'm thinking that's obvious—it's all about positioning oneself. When you're on your back, your partner is more in control. When you've over his head, you are. And when you can control his mouth, all kinds of amazingness ensues!
Get into the “Cat” Position
I remember once seeing two cats have sex. It was super fascinating. The female cat was on her stomach while the male cat was on her back, seemingly biting her neck (if you think I'm making it up, you can watch it all go down on YouTube here). Not to get too graphic or personal but when I saw that, I thought to myself, "maybe cats are my spirit animal" because I am a big fan of that position myself.
The reason why we humans like it is because a man can better control how deeply he penetrates as we women are able to stimulate our clitoris simultaneously. As a direct result, quicker and much more intense orgasms. It's the blended variety too.
Become More of a Missionary
The missionary position is a classic one; that's because it's been able to give women orgasms since the beginning of time. From the on and offline research I've done, sex experts and women alike agree that the combination of the eye contact, kissing and comfort of their partner's body enveloping them all play a direct role into why this is the kind of sex position that can give you a faster orgasm.
Even if you think it's a little on the boring side, give it some points for being mad reliable. Because it is.
Television and the movies tend to depict a lot of things incorrectly. For me, the first two that come to mind is labor and sex (not necessarily in that order). Back when I was getting my birthing certification in order to become a doula, I took a series of Hypnobabies courses (the same birthing class that Meghan Markle took). One of the things that it taught was the importance of deep, slow and focused breathing.
As life would have it, the way to have a lot of fun while making a baby is to deep breathe when you feel like you're about to climax as well. When you deep breathe during sex, it increases blood circulation. The more that happens, the more likely you'll be able to have one in record time; a really powerful one too!
So, if you've been he-he-hee'in during sex or labor, that's been working against not for you. You're much better off breathing in, holding for a count of 3-5 and fully exhaling. Next time you bring a baby into this world, the contractions—or pressure waves as we call them in hypnobabies world—will be easier to handle. And, as far as your bedroom action goes, your orgasms will come so much quicker. (Someone put Hollywood actors on game about that. Thank you.)
Featured image by Getty Images
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (firstname.lastname@example.org) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
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From Monogamy To Polyamory: 'I'm In An Asexual Poly Marriage With My Husband Of 7 Years'
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be asexual and in an open marriage? Relationship Coach Mikki Bey shared her first-hand experience with us as well as answered some of our burning questions.
Like a lot of people, Mikki met her now husband, Raheem Ali, online. As soon as they met, they instantly fell in love and got engaged on their first date. Just 90 days after they met, the couple tied the knot and have now been married for seven years. Raheem and Mikki aren’t your typical married couple, and despite being married for almost a decade, their marriage is anything but traditional. Mikki and Raheem have what she calls an "asexual polyamorous marriage."
Defining Her Sexuality
It wasn't until last summer that Mikki found the language to define her sexuality. "I didn't have the language for it until last summer," she explained to xoNecole. "Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing.”
Mikki always thought she was broken because she had no interest in sex. Mikki noticed after her friends came to visit and started discussing their sexual fantasies that she realized something was different about her. “At that point, I knew something was definitely different about me since I do not have sexual fantasies at all. It was truly news to me that people are at work thinking about sex! That was not my experience.” This led to Mikki researching asexuality, which she soon realized fit her to a T. “It felt like breathing new air when I was able to call it by name," said Mikki.
"Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing it."
Asexuality refers to people who experience little or no sexual attraction, experience attraction without acting on it sexually, or experience sexual attraction differently based on other factors. Like most things, asexuality falls on a spectrum and encompasses many other identities. It's important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always synonymous: some asexuals may reject the idea of sexual contact, but others may be sex-neutral and engage in sexual activity.
It's possible that some asexuals will have sex with someone else despite not having a libido or masturbating, but others will have sex with a partner because it brings a sense of connection.
From a Traditional Marriage to Kitchen Table Polyamory
Although Mikki never really had a high sex drive, it wasn’t until after the birth of her son, that she noticed her sex drive took a real nosedive. “I never had a high sex drive, but about a year after my son was born, I realized I had zero desire. My husband has a high sex drive, and I knew that it would not be sustainable to not have sex in our marriage at that time.”
She was determined to find an alternative to divorce and stumbled upon a polyamory conversation on Clubhouse. Upon doing her own research, she brought up the idea to their husband, who was receptive. “It’s so interesting to me that people weigh sex so heavily in relationships when even if you are having a ton of sex, it’s still a very small percentage of the relationship activity," Mikki shared.
They chose polyamory because Mikki still wanted to be married, but she also wanted to make sure that Raheem was getting his individual needs and desires met, even if that meant meeting them with someone else. “I think that we have been programmed to think that our spouses need to be our 'everything.' We do not operate like that. There is no one way that fits all when it comes to relationships, despite what society may try to tell you. Their path to doing this thing called life together may be different from yours, but they found what works for them. We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us,” Mikki explained.
"We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us. We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sex partners to lifetime partners if it should go there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it."
She continued, “We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sexual partners to lifetime partners if it should get there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it. Our dynamic is parallel with kitchen table poly aspirations.”
Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous relationship in which all participants are on friendly terms enough to share a meal at the kitchen table. Basically, it means you have some form of relationship with your partner’s other partner, whether as a group or individually. A lot of times, KTP relationships are highly personal and rooted in mutual respect, communication, and friendship.
Intimacy in an Asexual Polyamorous Marriage
Mikki says she and her husband, Raheem, still share intimate moments despite being in a polyamorous marriage. “Our intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, although non-sexual. We are intentional about date nights weekly, surprising and delighting each other daily, and most of all, we communicate our needs regularly. In my opinion, our intimacy is top-tier! I give my husband full-body massages, mani-pedis and make sure I am giving him small physical touches/kisses throughout the day. He is also very intentional about showing me his love and affection.”
Raheem and Mikki now use their lives as examples for others. On their website, thepolycouplenextdoor.com, they coach people interested in learning how to be consensually non-monogamous. “We are both relationship coaches. I specialized in emotional regulation, and Raheem specializes in communication and conflict resolution. The same tools we use in our marriage help our clients succeed in polyamory."
Mikki advises people who may be asexual or seeking non-monogamy to communicate their needs openly and to consider seeking sex therapy or intimacy coaching. Building a strong relationship with a non-sexual partner requires both empathy and compassion.
For more of Mikki, follow her on Instagram @getmikkibey. Follow the couple's platform on Instagram @thepolycouplenextdoor.
Featured image by skynesher/Getty Images