Recently, I was talking to a single woman about what her plans were for the holidays. When she started talking about how badly she wanted to be in a relationship, I found myself calling her out on it a bit. "Girl, you ain't said nothin' about a man all year and now you want to be with somebody?" After she (literally) poked out her lip, she said, "It just seems like everyone in the world is with someone but me and I don't like it."
Listen, it doesn't matter how much you adore your single state, there are definitely going to be times when you will either want what others have or wonder what it would be like to have what others have and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. At the same time, if you're tempted to reroute your entire life just because of six weeks' worth of sentiment, at least make the time to skim this so that you're absolutely sure. Because having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve is one thing. Taking on all that comes with being in a relationship? That is a reindeer of a whole 'nother color, sis.
So, the Hallmark Movies Have Got You Going, Eh?
OK, kinda off of the subject yet not really — what is up with all of these interracial couples in these holiday Hallmark and Lifetime movies and commercials? Listen, my goddaughters are bi-ethnic, so that is no diss; however, Black love is my lane and it seems like that is getting harder and harder to find right through here. Whew.
Anyway, although I'm not personally a holiday observer (and no, I am not a Jehovah's Witness), I do enjoy a good-'n-semi-corny holiday romance film, more than anything, because of the sweet innocence that seems to come along with it (which is hard to come by in TV and film these days). A word of caution, though — if you watch too many of those, it can definitely get you caught up if you're single. What I mean by that is, after about three of 'em, you'll be close to crying into your hot chocolate because it will seem like EVERYONE in the world is boo'd up when that isn't even close to being the case. Not by a long shot.
Still, if you know that you are naturally super sentimental, you might want to balance how much lovey-dovey stuff that you consume. Holiday movies are supposed to make you feel good. If all they're doing is making you feel lonely, it's time to read a book, listen to a podcast, or do something else.
Is This the Time of Year That Has You “Feeling Some Type of Way” Every Year?
I'm pretty sure it will come as no surprise to you that a whopping 40 percent of engagements happen in between Christmas and Valentine's Day. So, between IG posts of randoms with their sparkling diamonds, your friends with pics of them standing underneath the mistletoe, and perhaps even looking around at your family members and their boo, it's important to sit back and assess if you actually want to be with someone right now or does it just seem like this is the time of year when it is made abundantly clear that you aren't.
Then, once you've got that question answered, follow it up with if the holidays are a trigger for you every year. If so, don't take that lightly because you don't want to go out there and try and make a relationship out of scraps (an ex, a booty call, etc.) just because you're going through an annual trigger that will pass just (about) as fast as it came. You'd be better off treating yourself to a pampering day than forcing a relationship that you know you don't really want but try to make work…just because you're a little (overly) emotional right now.
After New Year’s, Do You Even Have Time to Maintain a Relationship?
Something that I personally think the holidays and weddings have in common is folks can put a lot of blood, sweat, tears, and expenses into both, only for both to end pretty quickly. My point? When it comes to weddings, couples need to make sure that they are taking their life following their nuptials into account. And when it comes to the holidays, well — if you were doing just fine not having a man prior to Thanksgiving, what makes you suddenly think that now is the time to get with one?
Y'all, something that life and time have taught me is things are best when they happen organically when they aren't forced. If you happen to meet a guy at your favorite coffee shop the day before Christmas, awesome. Yet if you don't, again, your life was pretty full before the holiday season began, and trust me, these next few weeks are about to fly right on by. So, if you already know that you've got a ton of plans for the new year and being in a relationship would kinda sorta ruffle them, it's probably best that you are single right now. Don't mourn this fact. Celebrate it.
Always Remember That Sentimentality and Responsibility Are Two Very Different Things.
Whew. If you don't get anything else from this piece, please get this (and yes, I'm about to yell it) — THERE ARE A TON OF PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING DIVORCED, EVEN AS WE SPEAK, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE CAUGHT UP IN THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT SOMEONE MORE THAN THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT COMES WITH BEING IN A HEALTHY AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP. To be sentimental isn't just about having feelings of love; it is also tied into nostalgia. And believe you me, I have found myself holding someone in my heart or bed far longer than I should've and it was all because nostalgia — not love — had gotten the best of me.
Besides, if you are single during the holiday season, don't take for granted the perks and pluses that can come with that — sleeping in, saving money, not sharing a remote, hanging out wherever you want with whomever you want for as long as you want, going on a few different dates with a few different guys…I can go on and on. Something that I share from time to time is a video that my goddaughter's mom did for me many years ago (you can check it out here; Rissi also has a dope Apple radio show called Color Me Country. Learn more about it here and here). She's married and she gets really real about the price that comes with that. It's a great reminder that while love is a beautiful thing, there are some blessings that come with being single that are totally unmatched as well (again, watch the video).
“Cuffing Season” Can Apply to YOU Too.
OK, so what if you read all of what I just said and you're like, "I hear you, Shellie. I would still like to go on a romantic date, binge-watch some shows on the couch or cuddle up while listening to some Donny Hathaway this year." Understood and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. That said, there is a big difference between being in a relationship and having a cuffing partner or even just someone to casually date right through here. Definitely do some pondering on which one you actually desire because the latter two require a lot less, basically everything, than that first one does.
Speaking of cuffing season, you know, it really does trip me out that when the topic of it comes up, it's oftentimes assumed that it's a "man's sport" when the reality is they wouldn't be able to pull it off without us. So, if after reading a lot of this, you know that what you want is some holiday company more than anything else, be real with yourself about that and then be honest with others who may be trying to set you up on a blind date or who may be trying to make a match with you online. At the end of the day, cuffing season is about people who want some company and not necessarily a relationship. Personally, I have a lot more respect for people who are honest about that fact than those who try to make something be more than what it is, all in the name of holiday-themed romance.
Whatever You Do, Plan and Choose Wisely, Sis.
See the feature pic for this piece? Imagine that the woman in it got linked up to the guy via a co-worker a week prior to Halloween. Neither of them could travel home for Christmas due to their work schedules, so they stayed at his/her/both places from Christmas thru New Year's and made some great, umm, memories. How beautiful — only, come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, somebody's period is late and the pregnancy test that she bought seems to have the faintest double line on it. Or, her period is on schedule but there seem to be some little bumps down below. Or, her health is all good but someone is suddenly not answering her calls or responding to her texts anymore.
I could go on and on with various scenarios yet the point is this — whether you decide to make this the year that you get into something serious or you just want some holiday company to tide you over, please don't just let your feelings just run away in any direction that they want. Be honest with yourself, not just about what you want but what you need. Put together a plan that will serve you best. Then move in wisdom, taking your future and not just the present into account. Because no matter how much you may have the urge to reenact some rom-com right now, reality always sets back in and that's what you'll have to deal with after the credits that triggered your emotions in the first place stop rolling. Remember that. Every holiday season. OK? Cool.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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