“Get an education, start your career, travel the world, and don’t think about marriage until you’re at least 30 years old,” is the advice a play aunt gave me when I was 16 years old. As a girl growing up in the South, I certainly didn’t hear that type of advice every day. However, having known at an early age that there were certain milestones I wanted to achieve before starting a family, her advice resonated with me.
Tending to be Type A, I wasted no time making plans to obtain an education, a career, financial stability, and a well-used passport. And I executed each of these plans. What I did not plan for is turning 30 and not being at a stage in my life where children were even a consideration in the near future. This is when I first started thinking about freezing my eggs.
But as the old saying goes, life happened and I didn’t follow through. Fast-forward to a few months shy of my 34th birthday, I joked to my friend, “I’ll be 35 next year, I don’t have time for that.” This statement stopped me in my tracks. Although I was well aware of my age (and proud of it), somehow verbalizing I’d be 35 soon felt eerily different.
At 33, I could still claim my early 30s, but 35 is when everything changes. It’s the “magic number” where the “average woman’s” fertility begins to decline and she is considered to be at an advanced maternal age aka “geriatric.” Though I do not believe motherhood is solely biological (other options include adoption, fostering, and egg donation), I wanted to do what I could to conserve this option. Thus, my deep dive into the world of egg freezing commenced.
While researching the egg-freezing process, I searched for stories from women who had gone through the process. Notably, there weren’t many stories from Black women documenting their journeys. This could be for a number of reasons: lack of access and resources, cultural and/or religious beliefs, and the social stigma associated with egg-freezing.
Whatever the reason, I respect it, but I know from personal experience and statistical data that there were many other Black women who’d walked a similar path to mine and who were likely evaluating this option, and that created a desire in me to share my journey. The decision to do so, however, did not come without my own internal struggle on whether I wanted to share this deeply personal journey.
What is Egg Freezing?
Everyone’s experience is different but the process is generally the same. Essentially, you take hormone injections over the course of 10-14 days to help multiple eggs develop at the same time. At the end of the cycle, you undergo a surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs. The eggs that mature (all aren’t guaranteed to mature) are then frozen. Going through the process isn’t a guarantee of future fertility, but it increases your chances. And to answer the question I got often, “Can you get pregnant naturally if you freeze your eggs?” -- yes. You will still have eggs and may never have to use your frozen ones.
The process is expensive -- one cycle can cost between $10,000 and $20,000, and some women have to go through multiple cycles. There is also an annual storage fee (mine is $600). I’d begun saving for the process, but a couple of months into me saving, my employer announced it was adding fertility benefits *inserts happy dance.* So, I only had to pay my deductible and for lab work. But I acknowledge my privilege in being able to save for the procedure. If you are considering freezing your eggs, check with your benefits department.
Pre-Cycle Preparation
I scheduled a consultation with the clinic to discuss the process. My provider recommended I begin taking vitamins and supplements to help with egg quality. Next, I had blood work done to test, among other things, my AMH levels -- which show approximately how many eggs you have -- and an ultrasound to count my follicles (our egg carriers). My AMH levels revealed that my ovarian reserve was slightly lower than average for my age, and I might have to go through 2-3 cycles to harvest the number of eggs necessary to possibly achieve the number of children I want. This information was devastating.
I left upset with myself for not going through the process sooner. I eventually came back to my life’s conviction that God is in control and what’s meant to be will be. Moving forward, I was prescribed birth control pills and the medications for the cycle. I then had a meeting with my IVF coordinator (egg freezing is the same as IVF, minus fertilization) to go over prepping and administering the injections. This was helpful because I was overwhelmed when I saw the amount of medicine and realized I had to mix some of it.
Day 1 of the Egg Freezing Process:
I returned to the clinic for bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure nothing major had changed and my estrogen levels were desirable. After being cleared to start, I gave myself two injections in the morning while I was at work. Thankfully, one of my work friends who is knowledgeable about the procedure was there to assist because, although I’m not afraid of needles (I have tattoos), I stalled when it was time to give myself the first injection.
One of the medications burned while being injected but the other one was fine. Moving forward, I always started with the worst injection. That night, with my best friend, a nurse practitioner, on video chat, I gave myself the two evening injections. I also took antibiotics twice daily.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Days 2 and 3:
The routine on the second and third days looked like two injections in the morning and two injections in the evening. On day three, I realized I was going to run out of one of the medications over the weekend, so I called the pharmacy and had some overnighted.
Tip: Pay attention to your dosage and how much medicine you have left so you won’t run out and not be able to get the medicine in time for your next injection, as each is essential for optimum results.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Day 4:
I continued with injections and returned to the clinic for an ultrasound and bloodwork. This was to see how my body was reacting to the injections and to count and measure my follicles. That evening my IVF coordinator informed me that I was responding well!
At this point, outside of soreness at the injection sites, I didn’t have any of the symptoms I’d read about (emotional breakdowns, acne, weight gain, cramping, bloating, exhaustion).
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Days 5 and 6:
Pretty much the same routine on the fifth and sixth days. On day five, I went on a turnaround trip so I had to take my medicine and supplies with me so I wouldn’t miss my evening injections. On day six, I added an additional injection at noon (up to five injections now). I felt a little dizzy and nauseous, but it passed.
At this point, I was searching for new places to inject myself. I was also starting to get tired of the routine and was ready to be finished. My hat goes off to those who have to take daily injections indefinitely!
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Days 7 and 8:
Same routine, with another clinic visit on day seven. I spilled one of the injections because I didn’t have the needle on tightly, but because I was responding well, my coordinator told me to not worry about it. I was more tired than usual and struggled to stay awake and focused throughout the day. I was also unusually thirsty.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Day 9:
I returned to the clinic for another round of ultrasound and bloodwork. The results showed that my eggs were mature enough for me to take the trigger injection! So, I took my routine injections and the trigger injection. This trigger injection signals to the eggs to finish maturing because it’s time for them to be released, and it must be taken exactly 36 hours prior to retrieval. I started having some cramps.
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Day 10:
I returned to the clinic for bloodwork only and it showed that the trigger shot worked, so no more injections! I was a zombie at this point and the cramps continued.
Day 11: The Egg Retrieval
Courtesy of Cynthia Lee
Retrieval day! I woke up anxious about the number of eggs that would be mature enough to freeze. The procedure went fine. I was under anesthesia, so I don’t remember it. My best friend picked me up (because just like after any procedure, you can’t drive). Later that day I learned the number of eggs that were frozen, which was slightly less than the number of eggs retrieved.
All things considered, I was pleased, but I may do another cycle down the road.
The recovery wasn’t bad for me. I had some pain, discomfort, cramps, and a ton of bloating for a couple of days after.
Closing Thoughts
Although I hope to never have to rely on my frozen eggs, I am happy to have them if I need them. I highly recommend women look into egg freezing as early as possible, if possible. If nothing else, I recommend women take an AMH test to learn about their personal reproductive health.
I didn’t have this option because only one clinic in my area was covered by my insurance, but I recommend you “shop around” for a doctor with whom you feel comfortable - one who is willing to carefully address your questions and concerns. Keep in mind, it is a huge time commitment and requires multiple clinic visits, so choose a nearby clinic if you can.
I feel incredibly blessed to have loved ones who regularly checked on me throughout the process to see how things were going, so make sure to reach out to those you trust before you begin to ensure you have your support system in place.
Don’t be discouraged if some don’t understand your decision to go through the process, as it is a personal decision and you owe no one an explanation.
Lastly, this experience has deepened my respect and empathy for all women who struggle with fertility, and I send love to all.
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Featured image courtesy of Cynthia Lee
- Tai Beauchamp On Her Decision To Freeze Her Eggs At Age 35 ›
- What No One Tells You About Freezing Your Eggs ›
- More Black Women Are Deciding To Freeze Their Eggs For The Same Reason As Angela Rye ›
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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