While we wait out this whole corona-thing, I'm doing my part to save the world by social distancing with my snacky snacks and catching up on Insecure's season 4. So far we're only two episodes into the long-awaited new season and Issa has already found herself in a situation.
awkward issa rae GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphy
Here's the rundown, filled with spoilers if you're already not caught up…
Issa unknowingly befriended Lawrence's new girlfriend, Condola and they started working closely together. Eventually, they realized that Issa's ex bae and Condola's new bae are the same bae, but they forge on with their work friendship sans the initial awkwardness. After addressing the elephant in the room aka cracking a few light-hearted jokes about Lawrence, it now seems like the two ladies may be forming a real friendship. Issa even goes as far to say, "I LOVE Condola!"
SN:Issa's bestie Molly made it clear that she thinks their "friendship" is a very bad idea.
Like I said, a situation. Since the relationship themes in the cult-show reflect our real-lives (you know, outside of quarantine) all too well, I wondered how I would handle this, well, situation. I hold my female friendships near and dear. Lucky for me, I tend to befriend folks easily, and often approach possible friendship matches like a pro Pokémon player—gotta catch 'em all. So, I'd try my best to not let a little thing like a guy get in the way. After all, one woman's ex is another woman's husband. But not all exes are the same. There's one very important factor to remember here: Issa and Lawrence were together for FIVE YEARS.
They lived together, experienced growth together and were (maybe still are) in love with each other. I was in a roller coaster of a relationship for seven years, and while I may have never accidentally befriended my ex's girlfriend, I would not knowingly venture down that road for sanity's sake. Put in Issa's shoes, I would keep the working relationship with Condola since it seems to be going well, but keep it moving in the other direction when it came to anything personal. I don't need a constant reminder of a relationship I said "thank you, next" to and unfortunately my new gal pal is too deeply intertwined with someone who was meant to stay in my past.
But that's just me! I avoid anything that has even the potential of drama to develop. However, I love to watch the messiness play out on-screen and will definitely pull up seat to hear juicy real-life tales that mimic Issa's. So, I reached out to Insecure fans to ask them:
Could you be friends with your ex's new bae?
"I’m Mature Enough To Handle It"
"I would def be friends with my ex's new bae. I think once you are a woman of a particular age, we don't have time for the childish games. Adults should be able to get along, be cordial and especially get money. My motto would be money over everything because the men will come and go. Also, he is an ex for a reason so sis HAVE AT HIM! That connection could be a divine one and letting ego and pettiness get in the way could burn the bridge. At the end of the day this all boils down to maturity. How mature are you to handle this? And as for me I believe I'm mature enough to handle it." –LaToya Newton, 40, TheAnalogGirl.com
"Don't Force It."
"If I meet a smart, kind woman and we get along, I consider that a win. If I come to find out she's my old bae's new bae, I still would be friendly, but the extent of our friendship will differ based on my comfort and friendship level with old bae. Sometimes relationships end and that's OK, but I don't want to be forced to hang out with someone I no longer want in my life." –Brittiany Cierra, 33, Founder, Cur8ted Media
"Possibly. Maybe. But I Need Boundaries."
"I guess it depends on how the relationship ended. If it was an amicable break-up, then I would consider, but there would be boundaries on how we conduct our friendship." –Kateri Fischer, On-Air Scheduling Coordinator
"We Could Be Friends. I Just Doubt We Would Be Friends."
"I could definitely be friends with my ex's new girlfriend. I haven't met an ex that I want back yet. Maybe some love lost, but never any hate gained. I honestly do come out of every relationship feeling as though I gave it my best, so I have zero regrets and few reservations in the end.
"Now, realistically, could my ex be friends with me? Let alone, could his new girl be friends with me? Doubt it. It's as simple as this. While I may have far fewer desire to have that old thang back, I can't say the same for all of my exes. That's not to boast or brag, that's just my truth. But I've noticed that, while I have a bit more control over my feelings (or lack thereof) post-breakup, that hasn't always been the case for my exes.
"With that said, there are way too many emotional factors on all ends to consider. The chances of everyone being on the same page, are slim to none." –Soraya "Sojo," Digital Director + Personality
"God Is Still Working On Me."
"I've never had a situation like this happen to me (thank God), but I'm pretty sure I would not be able to befriend my ex's new boo. Especially, if the ex and I were together for a significant amount of time (like Issa and Lawrence were). Truthfully, I'd have a hard-enough time getting to a place where l was cool with my ex again, so the new boo is a no-go. Kudos to the folks that are mature enough to handle something like this, because I most certainly am not. God is still working on me. (Laughs)" – Tiffany, 29, Fine Artist
"It Would Never Go Beyond A Surface Relationship."
"Honestly speaking, a friendship with my ex's new girlfriend would never be something I could start. The friendship wouldn't be genuine because I wouldn't want to discuss her relationship and she wouldn't feel comfortable confiding in me like she would with a friend. It would be a surface relationship, and those aren't worth even having if you can avoid them." –Kim C., 30, Marketing Manager
"Not Accepting Additional Soul Ties."
"...another woman's treasure right! (Laughs) I couldn't be friends. However, I would be super cordial. If I found out she was dating my ex like Issa did, I would make it work for the duration of the project; especially if she's a sweet person. However, my ex is my ex for a reason, and I don't need any additional soul ties." –Marie Lewis, Social Media Manager
"Wondering About Their Pillow Talk Would Drive Me Crazy."
"For me, it's a no. Not that we couldn't be cordial, but I don't want to consume my life with wondering what is being talked about during their pillow talk. Who wants to build a relationship with someone whose bae has a playbook to your love life? Just saying." –Tweety E., 20-Something, Writer
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Featured image via Insecure/HBO
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She recommended EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and explained it to me. According to the Cleveland Clinic, EMDR is a mental health therapy method designed to treat conditions stemming from traumatic memories. It’s mostly known for addressing PTSD and other conditions. My therapist provided me with information about EMDR, and I agreed to pursue the next chapter of therapy. She helped me find a new therapist, and the transition began.
At first, I was nervous because I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew this was a necessary step for my progress. EMDR reaches the deep parts of your memory where trauma and darkness reside. It’s like revisiting the trauma, but with guided exercises that help you reprocess it in a more positive light. This therapy aims to lighten the shadow that has been following you throughout life. Although it’s challenging, the experience is worth it to be on the happier side of life.
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I've been doing EMDR therapy for over a year now, maybe closer to two years. Since starting, I’ve noticed that it helps me process life differently. I’m no longer so quick to slip into a dark space. I’m learning to give myself more grace and to understand that the human experience is full of ups and downs.
The biggest lesson I’m learning is not to stay down during tough times. In the past, when something unfortunate happened, I would automatically link it to similar past experiences, layering all those dark feelings together, which left me feeling defeated.
Now in my early 30s, I believe therapy is an ongoing journey; it’s not about reaching a final destination. I remain committed to achieving peace and happiness for my past, present, and future self. With the support of my therapist, maintaining my faith, love from my community, and consistency, I’m improving each day. The mountain doesn’t feel as heavy as time goes on. EMDR is teaching me to extend grace to my past self, which makes room for the blessings to come.
If you're considering EMDR therapy, I encourage you to give it a try. Just remember that therapy is a relationship—it requires you to show up, be present, and put in the work, even when it’s uncomfortable. EMDR is a long-term commitment because it involves breaking down your traumatic experiences, fully feeling those emotions, and reprocessing those events.
Changing how you feel about life’s experiences takes time, especially if you’ve been carrying that pain for a while or if you’ve come to see your trauma as part of your identity. But you can do it, and you’re worth the effort.
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Feature image by Courtney Hale/ Getty Images