As some of you know, I recently wrote an article on Black/White female friendships titled, "I Asked 5 White Women What They've Learned From Having Friendships With Black Women." The response from our readers was through the roof and it got me to thinking—let's switch this up and find out what black women think about the subject as well.
What do we wish white women understood about the black community? And what can they do to help bridge the gap?
Encouraged to dig deeper into the rabbit hole, I took the same formula from the previous article, with the same ladies, and reversed the context. So, sit back, review both articles, and let's all have this conversation.
Rachel Richards
Charliegh (L) and Rachel (R)
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
Length of Friendship: 6 years
"My girl, Charliegh, is loyal, consistent, compassionate, driven and honest. She loves to travel just as much as I do, but she has actually taken more trips out of the country than I have. She goes after what she wants and is in a place now where nothing or no one will steal her happiness. I enjoy most that we have no drama, we can always disagree and still be OK. We are always honest with each other and never hold grudges. When we don't like something that has been said, it's always addressed and then we move on. I think that's important in a friendship, you should always be in a space with friends where you can be heard or be yourself.
"Charliegh has taught me to stop worrying about everyone so much and focus on myself, which is the encouragement that I've always needed. I would describe us as Erin and Jenny from [the Netflix film] Someone Great. The support Erin had for Jenny in that movie is the same support Charliegh and I have for each other. We have been through our own individual hardships and I know that our friendship has helped each of us get through them.
"The subject of race is an actual topic for us all the time. I have shared with her my experiences as an African-American woman. I love that she doesn't ignore the fact that racism exists. She knows it's still a major problem and she honestly doesn't tolerate it. I have witnessed her directly educate others on racial profiling and healthcare discrimination (we're nurses), and to see the passion and anger she has for my race when doing so, makes me even more proud to call her my best friend."
Click to follow Charliegh and Rachel on Instagram!
Phoenix Jackson
Phoenix (L) and Courtney (R)
Location: Denver, CO
Length of Friendship: 2 years
"Courtney is direct, loud, fun and no holds barred. She has done some amazing things in her career and now she focuses her life around her husband, children, a few business and non-profit ventures. She is honest and open and she is willing to listen to things where others may be closed-minded. She is female empowerment, personified. Our favorite activities to do together are talking on the phone or going out to listen to live music and have drinks.
"The best advice she ever gave me was actually about a man. She once picked up on his behaviors and quickly noted how he was not good enough for me. And she turned out to be right. Since she is so direct, she is also very observant because you can't be direct as she is and be wrong, you know?
"Hopefully, through example, I am teaching her that Black women are not this tough exterior, 'bitch' persona that the world paints us to be. I am the softer of us two. I am also trying to get her to see that we have nurturing relationships with people from our past even if it didn't work out, through my example with my ex-husband. He and I are best friends and co-parenting the hell out of our son, whereas her experience in that area is different.
"Women need each other, we need to love on each other, be sounding boards to each other, explore other cultures together and learn together. I believe that we should have interracial friendships just for the learning experience and to break learned associations about who the other is painted to be. We need to learn to love each other into healing—no matter what race.
"Courtney is one of my newest friends. I have some friendships that span 22 years, so I have always been careful about who I allow into my intimate world. Courtney is definitely worth my time and energy."
Click to follow Courtney and Phoenix on Instagram!
Raynita (Ray) Nebeker
Ray (L) and Jessica (R)
Location: Fresno, CA
Length of Friendship: 15+ years
"I met Jessica at the perfect time in life. I had just moved to San Jose from the small town of Madera after a huge tragedy in my life. We went to the same high school and after a while, I was finally getting comfortable with making new friends. We ended up in the same crowd that day and just totally hit it off. From that day forward, we never went a day without talking and our bond became unbreakable. I stayed the night at her house almost anytime I wanted, her family became my family and vice versa. Now, I truly knew how it felt to have a best friend.
"Jess is the most trusting, honest, passionate, hard-working person that has ever come into my life. She is beautiful on the inside and out and rides hard for those she loves. I love that I can tell her anything and know she will tell me not only what I need to hear, but also keep our conversations between us. Jess has a drive that is so admirable and infectious. She knows how to have a great time anywhere and doesn't let negativity get to her.
"Being a black woman in America is not easy. The expectations of us in this world are different than others. We go through discrimination, judgment and criticism that no one deserves. Since this is something that all black women experience, it is important to always have that in the back of your mind when empathizing with a black woman. At times, we are instantly judged by something we are so proud of; the melanin in our skin.
"And on top of it all, just when you think the world is becoming a better place, one of our brothers gets shot by another cop.
"So, ladies, smile at the next black girl you see. This will show them you are with them and feel for them even though you will never understand their pain. Our black girl community is tight because we understand what we each go through. When meeting another black girl, you instantly have this underlying bond because they know how it is to have brown skin in this world today. Black girls go through things and emotions that others won't necessarily understand.
"Jessica is and has been, that person for me. She has been there to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, vent to, and to hear the good, the bad, and in-between. Womanhood is about being able to trust. Jessica has taught me the true meaning of a trustworthy friendship and I am so thankful for that."
Keep up with Jessica & Raynita's adventures on Instagram @bestietalks!
LuLu Zeko
LuLu (L) and Lucy (R)
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Length of Friendship: 1 year
"Lucy and I clicked due to a shared appreciation for listening to and creating podcasts. We spent a lot of time meeting up for quick coffees before we realized how consistent our communication had been; she felt like someone who's been in my life for the longest time. An added perk was us both working towards another grad degree together and being deep in self-development mode so we got to share ideas with one another all the time. And as they always say, the rest is history. She has become the bestie.
"My Lucy is a beautiful soul, very connected to the people in her life and always down for a mutual adventure or discussions about any and everything under the sun. She's extremely in-tune with what's happening in the world, a full-on news enthusiast and activist, for plenty of great causes. What I like most about her is her heart and how full of love it always is. She's such a brilliant mind and is an ambitious individual who's ready to help anyone out to get their life together.
"She always says to me, 'Stop digging in the trash, there's nothing for you there.' Oh, and that therapy is always a good idea. We compare ourselves to Cristina and Meredith [Grey's Anatomy] because of their intense connection to one another, but on a more whimsical side, Timon and Pumbaa [Lion King] 'cause our weirdness syncs up too well at times.
"Man, I wish Lucy truly knew how helpful her allyship is to the bigger focus of having black stories told. We both work in media and being able to celebrate diversity unapologetically and seeing how much she celebrates it, too makes a world of difference. Just her continuing on the path she's on and how aware and sensitive she is to the black community is astronomical to race relations today.
"Since we both have a strong global connection to the different countries that we've grown up in (she's bringing that Brit-Aussie-Greek-esque focus to life while I have the Southern African-Zambia-Namibia-South Africa angle), our perspective about life has a richness to it that creates an environment to process everything and anything together. That is sisterhood for sure."
Click to follow Lucy and LuLu on Instagram!
Shawna Wright
Shawna (L) and Kelly (R)
Location: Woodland Hills, CA
Length of Friendship: 9 years
"Kelly is one of the most loyal people I know. She is that person you want in your corner. She knows exactly how to balance having fun and taking care of business. The thing I love most about Kelly is that she genuinely enjoys life and lives life to the fullest with no regrets. She has taught me to just live in the moment, and be spontaneous (for example, book that trip to Vegas less than 24 hours in advance), take lots of pictures, and create memories that last for a lifetime.
"I've learned to always support other women I come in contact with on a daily basis the same way I would support Kelly. And to listen before passing judgment because, as women, we have so many struggles we encounter just because we are women, and understanding that even though we come from different backgrounds and walks of life, we have to uplift and support one another, the same way Kelly and I do.
"In regards to race, I wish white women understood institutionalized racism exists. And that it is so easy to overlook because it is institutionalized. I wake up every day with the mind state that I have to give everything I have no matter what I do because, as a black person, society is already judging me, let alone a black woman. My every move has to be calculated to ensure that I defy preconceived stereotypes. It can be overwhelming because the average white woman truly has no idea to always know and think about their skin color, and how to maneuver accordingly.
"To my white sisters, your friend doesn't have to look like you for them to be your friend. Your friend doesn't have to come from the same background as you to be your friend. My friendship with Kelly has taught me that you don't have to know someone for years to have a strong bond. From the moment I met her, I knew we would be friends for the rest of our lives. We have been through the good times and the bad (really bad) times life has thrown at us but we have still remained friends. I love her and wouldn't have it any other way."
Click to follow Kelly and Shawna on Instagram!
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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