Tall, like at least six feet. Attractive. Doesn't have to be college educated but he's got to be ambitious...and intelligent. Not too clingy, but present. Meh, I don't do locs. No locs. In fact, no hair. Just a clean fade.
That is just a glimpse of the checklist I keep in my mind when keeping my eyes peeled for potential. I'm willing to admit that I'm shallow, but I have also made it a point to remind myself that I wouldn't put a pin in that very potential I had been on the lookout for if someone came along and he wasn't a concoction of my imagination and past baggage. Basically, I've always said I'm not shallow enough to ignore and resist chemistry simply because I'm not immediately attracted to a person's outward appearance.
However, it's only recently that I've been forced to be a woman of my word and date outside the comfort zone of my list. I believe it has everything to do with me taking on round two of the big chop with all of the confidence I didn't know the first time I big chopped. To break down the equation, it seems to be two parts confidence, one part big chop, and I'm convinced that it will have a significant impact on the way I view dating, men, and the laws of attraction.
In cutting off my hair, I observed how my TWA would stop attracting one type of man and draw in another.
It stopped attracting my type and I started attracting a greater level of authenticity. After chopping my hair, while I was more confident and more fashionable (something I now felt I had to be so that I was not to be mistaken for a prepubescent boy) than I ever imagined, I would be back in my "Apple Bottom" phase and I was also forced to have a slice of humble pie. Who was I to write someone off for their hair? At the very least I knew I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't tighten up with all of these physical characteristics I deemed "my type".
My big chop has forced me to hone in on the agape love that I was putting out into the rest of the world.
Agape love, a Greco-Christian term and something that I only recently learned about, is a selfless sacrificial type of love. It's one of four types of love in the Bible that we observe in the world; the others include Eros, Philia, and Storge (in no particular order). Most people, myself included, act out of eros or erotic love upon first meeting someone. Eros love is the superficial stuff, eros demands a physical attraction. Acting on eros love first is a desire to want the full package before penetrating the surface. However, it's agape love that will help you look past the superficial qualities a person has to offer and see their truth alongside your truth.
This is what I've come to understand about myself! There's levels to this and this whole time I've been trying to level up without doing the work in between, and doing it backward at that. Sexually driven, I've always wanted to be attracted to you outwardly before I acted on anything else, and if the sex was good then for me, that led to romance but it almost always led me to lackluster, half-ass romance.
There's an exception to all of this, of course, but we can't all be that. We can't all be the couple who married after 30 days and stayed together for a lifetime. We can't all be the couple who started out just f*cking and then ended up in love. We can't all be the love that the media portrays, and that's what we want when we seek out these superficial qualities.
The reality is that leading with eros will almost always fail you when you're hoping to build something authentic.
Ultimately, you attract what you are and sometimes you attract what you lack. You attract what you put into the world, you attract what you're ready for, and if you can't embrace a new face in the most wholesome way of love, then the truth is you (and I'm speaking to myself here) have more room for growth.
Well, the TWA is making me grow. The hair has made me love myself in an agape way that I don't think was present before. I loved myself with the condition, I loved myself in an eros way that I knew made me appealing and attractive to a majority but I don't want the majority filling my cup.
As I break down the walls of my love and its superficial standards, I can't lose because I will have evolved and so I will have attracted someone who meets me right there where I'm at. Evolved. And when that's not what it is, I'll know and I won't settle because I'll know there are more many more fish in the sea when you dive deeper than the superficial waters I've been living in.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Originally published on March 14, 2019
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Almost two weeks later, Wicked is still on everyone's lips. The high-grossing film stars Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande as Elphaba and Glinda, as their characters, tell a story about race and acceptance. However, what has captured audiences on and off the screen are Cynthia's and Ariana's looks as they play on their characters' styles.
Ariana, like her character Glinda, is often dressed in pink, and Cynthia, much like Elphaba, is covered in green. But what also has many people talking is the British actress' nails. Her nails are often long, blingy, and, of course, green. Many TikTok girlies are even doing their own versions of Elphaba's nails. But there's one person to thank for the green nail mania: Shea Osei.
The London-based nail artist has been working with the Wicked actress since she was 16 and shared all the tea on her epic nail styles with Unbothered UK.
Here what she said.
Shea On Elphaba's Nails Being The First Thing We See Before Seeing The Character
I was ecstatic. I was happy. It was just great to see my craft, my artistry just out there, not just nationally but globally.
Shea On Elphaba's Nails Representing Her Character Development
When we started with the first [nail] look, we chose nice, subtle green ombre nails that show who she is but a calm, chilled-out version of Elphaba. As she grew into herself, became more confident, and found herself, she was more like, yes, this is me, I’m Elphaba, I am who I am, and her nails became more daring. In the salon scene, when she had a transformation, her nails were, one, longer and two, they were more daring. There are many close-ups of Elphaba’s hands in the film, where you see her nails, and you see the difference in what they were [at the start of the film], so I feel like that helps to tell the story.
Shea On Elphaba's Nails Representing Black Womanhood
Yes, it was 100%. And I feel like, yes, the nails represented Black womanhood but also just being yourself. I just feel like the nails represented Cynthia as if to say, ‘I'm Black and I can be a Black witch’. This is who I am. And also, I can have braids and they can be done in any kind of way and can still be styled however is needed. I think we saw, if I'm correct, three or four different braid styles in the movie. Sim Camps, who styled the braids, did an amazing job — there would be mornings when she would be making sure the braids were intact and looked amazing on camera. So, yeah, definitely the braids were an ode to Black culture and the nails were 100% like, yes, we're doing it.
Shea On Seeing The Fan Recreation On TikTok
Yes, I have! If you are going to the salon and you want to recreate Elphaba's nails and let's say, you're going for the nails after the salon scene, where she just gets a fresh set, I would say ask for a plain black base and then ask if they have green foils to stick it on top to give that green effect. Then apply a shiny top coat. And it looks insane! The green ombre is more complicated with colours mixed to give it a green earthy colour.
Shea On The Importance Of Expressing Yourself Through Nail Art, Despite Some Criticism
We love it and don't want anyone to change. Let's look at athletes such as Flo-Jo, remember her nails? Now we have ShaCarri Richardson and her nails are always long and she's always got nice designs [on them]. It’s also Black people, not only Black women — because if you look at athletes that are men that make sure they get their nails painted as well. A$AP Rocky gets his nails painted. It's just so good to see that our culture is so colourful and also so inviting. It’s not only Black people that can have these kinds of nails, anyone can have them. I’m glad we can be the inspiration to everybody and they can draw bits of our culture and add it to theirs.
I like the fact that Cynthia is able to go out of there into the world and still be authentically herself. She hasn't changed for anything or anyone. This is how I am. I like my nails like this, my nail techs love doing my nails like this.
I'm over the moon that Cynthia can go out and still have her nails how she wants to. [Cynthia’s nails] has been a topic this entire Wicked press tour. Everyone will ask Cynthia about her nails in every interview and I love that. I love it because that's who she is. And if you see her you'll see that she's always got her nails done and she’s always got some banging heels on. Even on her down days, she’s always dressed. That's just how she is.
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Feature image by Jeff Spicer/ Getty Images