
There is no shame in needing a little bit of help – even if said help comes from the pages of a book. Nevertheless, so many self-help books – if you're looking in the wrong places – can be more hindering than helpful. The best self-help books these days thankfully come from experts in their field – journalists, psychologists, social scientists, career coaches, life coaches, and legitimate successful people who've been where you are.
Here are the 13 best self-help books you should read to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself:
Black Girl, You Can Do This by Brittni Kirkpatrick

"This book is written from my heart and soul to teach and guide the next generation in love, empowerment, and truth."
―Brittni Kirkpatrick, Black Girl, You Can Do This
In this manifesto of mindset liberation for young women, Brittni Kirkpatrick encourages the next generation to explore their ideas and values, find the meaning and truth within, and be true to themselves rather than fitting in with the crowd.
Black Girl, You Can Do This is a series of love letters from Kirkpatrick to her younger self, followed by the practical techniques that will help you cultivate the needed space for personal growth and development, love and healing, and empowerment to thrive in the power of your natural talents, skills, and abilities.
The Self-Love Experiment: 15 Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself

Amazon
"Your desire to change must be greater than your desire to stay the same."
― Shannon Kaiser, The Self-Love Experiment: Fifteen Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself
In The Self-Love Experiment, Shannon Kaiser encourages you to overcome your fears and put a stop to self-sabotage, so that you can gain the confidence you need to reach your goals and become your own biggest fan, best friend, and unwavering supporter.
The Self-Love Experiment rectifies the problem people face when they believe that they are not allowed to put themselves first or go after their own dreams out of fear of being selfish or sacrificing others' needs. No matter what you're going through, Kaiser walks you through her own personal experiment, a simple plan that compassionately guides you through the process of removing fear-based thoughts, so you can fall in love with your life.
milk and honey by Rupi Kaur

Amazon
"What's the greatest lesson a woman should learn? That since day one. She's already had everything she needs within herself. It's the world that convinced her she did not."
- Rupi Kaur, milk and honey
milk and honey is the experience of violence, abuse, love, loss, and femininity. Divided into four chapters, each chapter serves a different purpose, deals with a different pain, and heals a different heartache.
milk and honey "takes readers through a journey of the most bitter moments in life and finds sweetness in them because there is sweetness everywhere if you are just willing to look."
the sun and her flowers by Rupi Kaur

Amazon
"This is the recipe of life/ said my mother/ as she held me in her arms as i wept/ think of those flowers you plant/ in the garden each year/ they teach you/ that people too/ must wilt/ fall/ root/ rise/ in order to bloom."
- Rupi Kaur, the sun and her flowers
Unlike milk and honey, the sun and her flowers talks about the experience of growth, healing, ancestry, and honoring one's roots. Divided into five chapters and illustrated by Kaur, the sun and her flowers is a journey of wilting, falling, rooting, rising, and blooming. A celebration of love in all its forms.
the sun and her flowers reflects souls who rise above the barricades that incumber their growth. It is a passage between decay, awakening, and healing; and it is a passage that has the capacity to truly mend and heal broken hearts stuck in darkness and despair.
the sun and her flowers beautifully discusses "expatriation and rising up to find a home within yourself."
The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

Amazon
"And what is the right woman, the right man? Someone who wants to go in the same direction as you do, someone who is compatible with your views and your values ― emotionally, physically, economically, spiritually."
― Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love
In The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel sheds light on deep-seated fear-based beliefs and assumptions that cripple love and lead to suffering and drama in relationships. Utilizing perspicacious anecdotes to bring his message to life, he shows us how to heal our emotional wounds, reclaim our freedom and joy, and reestablish the spirit of playfulness that is essential to healthy, loving relationships. Using teachings from the three Toltec Masteries — Awareness, Transformation, and Love — as groundwork, Don Miguel illuminates the misconceptions and erroneous expectations about love that pervade most relationships.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Amazon
"You express your own divinity by being alive and by loving yourself and others."
― Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel argues that everything we do is found on agreements we have made with ourselves, with other people, with God, and with life itself. Out of these agreements, the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements, we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, and what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth. With The Four Agreements, bestselling author Don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and creates unnecessary suffering. The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can quickly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and, ultimately, love.
sunny. by Gabrielle Hickmon

via Permission To Write
"When was the last time you let yourself feel everything?/ Gave yourself over to the love,/ the fear,/ the soul of it all?"
-- Gabrielle Hickmon, sunny.
As a collection of poetry dedicated "to everyone, but especially the girls everywhere — chasing the sun," sunny. is a poignantly familiar place for you to spend your afternoon. With poetry and prose about the ins and outs, ups and downs, and twists and turns of life and love, sunny. is rooted in the notion that "everything is a piece of a poem, if you're paying attention." Exploring the ideas of self-love, what happens when a relationship falls apart, and how love finds us in even the ostensibly minuscule details of life alone or with someone else, Hickmon, showcases the struggles of being vulnerable and effortlessly loving oneself, seamlessly.
This collection of poetry is reminiscent of poets before her, such as Rupi Kaur and Amanda Lovelace, with more of that refreshingly raw and gritty edge one could expect from such a book.
The Wisdom of Sundays by Oprah Winfrey (and Guests)

Amazon
"All of us are seeking the same thing. We share the desire to fulfill the highest, truest expression of ourselves as human beings."
― Oprah Winfrey, The Wisdom of Sundays: Life-Changing Insights from Super Soul Conversations
The Wisdom of Sundays features insightful selections from the most meaningful conversations between Oprah Winfrey and some of today's most admired thought leaders. Organized into ten chapters — each one representing a powerful step in Oprah's own spiritual journey and introduced with a personal essay by Oprah herself — the moments of inspiration that have enlightened millions are collected and held within this stunning, treasurable, and deeply-affecting book.
Paired with beautiful photographs, including many from Oprah's private property in California, The Wisdom of Sundays promises to be a timeless memento that will help readers awaken to life's astounding potentials and discover a deeper connection to the natural world around them.
You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living An Awesome Life by Jen Sincero

"If you're serious about changing your life, you'll find a way. If you're not, you'll find an excuse."
― Jen Sincero, You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life
You Are a Badass is the self-help book for people who gravely want to improve their lives, but don't want to go broke doing so. In this invigoratingly entertaining how-to guide, Jen Sincero — world-traveling success coach — offers humorously inspiring stories, sagacious advice, and easy exercises, helping you to: Identify and change the self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors that stop you from getting what you want; to ultimately create a life you can be incandescently in love with.
You Are A Badass lets you create the life you want not tomorrow, not the next day, and not in a month, but now. By the end of the book, you'll understand why you are the way that you are, how to love what you cannot change, how to change what you don't love, and how to use everything else to kick some serious ass. You Are A Badass makes you feel…well, like you're a badass. The baddest of them all to be exact.
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown

"Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It's a shield. It's a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from flight."
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
With living in the age of social media, each day we face a bombardment of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. In doing so, we are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, then we would no longer feel inadequate. We would no longer feel incomplete. So, most of us perform, please, and perfect instead of living as our true, authentic selves.
In The Gift of Imperfection, Brené Brown — a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging — shares what she has acquired from a decade of research on the power of Wholehearted Living; and teaches her readers how to engage with the world from a place of worthiness. Using ten guideposts, Brown engages your mind, heart, and spirit while she explores how you can cultivate the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think I am enough.
UnFu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life by Gary John Bishop

Amazon
"Wake up to the miracle you are. Here's what you've forgotten: You're a fu*king miracle of being."
- Gary John Bishop, UnFu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life
In this straightforward handbook, Gary John Bishop gives you the tools and perceptive guidance you'll need to demolish your woes weighing you down, so that you can become the truly unfu*ked version of yourself. Through a series of seven assertions, Unfu*k Yourself encourages you to believe that you are: willing, wired to win, unstoppable, capable of embracing uncertainty, not your thoughts, what you do, expectant of nothing and acceptant of everything.
Unfu*k Yourself illuminates the idea that "it isn't other people that are standing in your way, it isn't even your circumstances that are blocking your ability to thrive, it's yourself and the negative self-talk you keep telling yourself." If you're tired of feeling fu*ked up, Unfu*k Yourself does a marvelous job of showing you that you can truly lead the life you were meant to have. All you have to do is get out of your own head and out of your own way.
Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun, and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes

Simon & Schuster
"There is no list of rules. There is one rule. The rule is: there are no rules. Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be. Being traditional is not traditional anymore. It's funny that we still think of it that way. Normalize your lives, people. You don't want a baby? Don't have one. I don't want to get married? I won't. You want to live alone? Enjoy it. You want to love someone? Love someone. Don't apologize. Don't explain. Don't ever feel less than. When you feel the need to apologize or explain who you are, it means the voice in your head is telling you the wrong story. Wipe the slate clean. And rewrite it. No fairy tales. Be your own narrator. And go for a happy ending. One foot in front of the other. You will make it."
― Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes
Before her Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes was an expert at declining invitations others would leap to accept. With three children at home and three hit television shows on TV, it was easy to say that she was simply too busy. But in truth, she was also afraid. Afraid of cocktail party faux pas like chucking a chicken bone across a room; petrified of live television appearances where she could trip and fall and bleed out right there in front of a live studio audience; terrified of the difficult conversations that came so easily to her characters on-screen.
Then, on Thanksgiving 2013, Shonda's sister muttered something that was both a wake up call and a call to arms: You never say yes to anything.
Afterwards, Shonda knew she had to embrace the challenge: for one year, she would say YES to everything that scared her. In Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes hilariously, emotionally, and candidly shares anecdotes and her solution to overcome your fears. This book is a genuine and rousing account of saying yes to life. After reading this novel, you will feel like you are limitless and that you are only one word away from your life-changing moment. When in doubt, step back, assess the situation, and without hindrance, say "yes."
Be Unapologetically You: A Self Love Guide for Women of Color by Adeline Bird

Adeline Bird
"As a woman of color, you think you are at the bottom of the pile but your position is unique and your differences are not your weakness, they are your strength. Once you own that, you can be unstoppable."
– Adeline Bird, Be Unapologetically You: A Self Love Guide for Women of Color
In Be Unapologetically You, Adeline Bird teaches that self-love is a journey that starts with forgiveness and acceptance of what is. Only after you have forgiven yourself and accepted that whatever happened happened, can you start your soulful revolution, where you stop judging yourself and start celebrating yourself instead.
In hopes that you become self-aware, Bird encourages her readers to learn what is important to them and then she forces them to decide what kind of behavior they are prepared to accept from themselves and from others. Loving yourself is non-negotiable, and with the help of Bird, she teaches you that although loving yourself is hard, takes courage and commitment, you are blessed with the creative genius to shape your own world. All you have to do is reach out and grab it with both hands.
Once you've found and cultivated a better relationship with yourself, with the help of these novels, come on back and let us know which one helped you the most.
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Featured image by LightField Studios/Shutterstock
Originally published on February 2, 2019
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Dreaming Of A White Christmas? These 7 Winter Wonderland Destinations Are Perfect For The Holidays
While most people opt for a tropical vacation during the winter months, there are still many people who want to fulfill their winter wonderland fantasies, which are more than likely centered on watching snow by the fireplace while sipping some hot cocoa.
With Thanksgiving vastly approaching and Christmas a little under a month away, there is still time to ditch the traditional Christmas home to visit family or friends.
Whether you’re looking to put a new stamp on your passport and keep things domestic with a destination in the States, xoNecole has you covered with a few hotspots for those itching to go somewhere cold (but with cozy vibes) this holiday season.
Aspen, Colorado
Our Christmas queen, Mariah Carey, has been taking an annual trip to this snowy destination since 1997, just three years after dropping the track that would make her the unofficial (but official to us) ambassador of the winter holiday.
Aside from being a key vacation spot for one of the culture’s greatest musicians, Aspen also offers travelers access to world-class skiing and snowboarding and four distinct mountains that provide the perfect backdrop for a winter vacation.
Whistler, British Columbia, Canada
Home to the largest ski resort in North America, Whistler Blackcomb, this destination is located in the Coast Mountain Range and is about 75 miles north of Vancouver.
From luxury spas like Scandinave Spa Whistler to Olympic Park, this is another top winter vacation spot that offers a unique experience for people who love snow and the thrill of a good adventure.
Western Massachusetts
Dubbed the place for a magical holiday escape, Springfield, Massachusetts, blends the warmth of small-town charm with unforgettable experiences like Grinchmas at Springfield Museums, Winterlights at Naumkeag in Stockbridge, Historic Deerfield’s Winter Frolic, and many others.
This destination offers something for all ages, and it’s close to home, making it all the more reason to place on your radar for a winter getaway.
Rovaniemi, Finland
If you want to really get into the Christmas spirit, this just may be the place for you. As the official home to Saint Nick himself, Rovaniemi, Finland offers reindeer sleigh rides, the opportunity to stay in a glass igloo, as well as an opportunity to experience the Santa Claus Village.
Lake Tahoe, California/Nevada
Who says that visits to the lake house are only reserved for summer vacation? A winter trip to Lake Tahoe is equipped with stunning lake views and top-notch ski resorts, including Heavenly and Northstar.
Chamonix, France
Sitting at the base of Mont Blanc, Chamonix, France, is known for its skiing and mountaineering. This destination is home to the Aiguille du Midi cable car, the charming Alpine village, and is also close to various other European ski destinations.
Northeastern Pennsylvania
This area of the U.S. state is home to the Poconos Mountains, whose renowned ski resorts include Camelback Mountain, Blue Mountain, and Jack Frost Big Boulder. Whether you’re a ski expert, a beginner, or just there for the vibes, this destination makes for a winter vacation that balances fun adventures and cozy getaways. Additionally, Pennsylvania is home to the Christmas Tree Capital of the world.
Feature image by Shutterstock
Originally published on November 23, 2024









