I was close to entering my early twenties when I discovered the wonderful world of “pegging.” There was something so arousing about seeing a woman with her harness and dildo in tow, fully dominating a man in a way where he was fully submissive. I dabbled a time or two myself in that arena, and I’m convinced there’s nothing like it. I have yet to encounter another cisgender man who is comfortable enough with his sexuality to allow that terrain to be explored, but I’m just saying.
In addition to being used by straight women on straight men, strap-ons have long since been used for penetrative sex by lesbian women, trans men, people with erectile dysfunction, and more. Strap-ons can be used by anyone to penetrate anyone consensually. It is a sex toy for the purpose of evoking pleasure and that isn’t limited to any one gender or circumstance and it isn’t contingent on the genitalia of the giver or the receiver.
If you’ve ever wanted to explore strap-on play with your partner, xoNecole has you covered! We talked to certified sex educator Jennifer Eden who says, communication is key. “Talk about what you want to do, how you want to feel, and maybe even why you feel drawn to try it,” they advise. “Porn isn’t always a great sex ed resource, but it can be a great jumping-off point. Find a flick that shows what you want to do, and have a conversation with your partner about what you see. What do you like about it? What would you want to do differently?”
Here are Eden's best beginner strap-on tips to incorporate into your strap-on play.
1.When you go shopping for your first strap-on, know what you’re looking for.
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“A strap-on is technically two components - a harness and a dildo. And in most cases, those items are sold separately," Eden tells xoNecole. "When it comes to your harness, there are a lot of options: adjustable, padded, leather, briefs, boxers, and the list goes on. You want a style and fit that works best for your body and your self-concept. For example, if you would be distracted by straps pressing into the flesh of your hips and thighs, you may want to consider a brief- or boxer-brief-style harness for a smoother look and feel.”
2.Get over the heteronormative and queerphobic hang-ups around strap-ons
“Sex toys are inanimate objects and have no gender. So your orientation or the way you label your sexuality doesn’t change just because you’ve introduced a new activity or accessory to your sexual repertoire. Allow yourself to adopt the mindset of pleasure over everything - over labels, over stereotypes, over limiting beliefs, and especially over that little voice in your head that says ‘you shouldn’t be doing this.’ Ask yourself what’s more important to you - fitting a label or feeling good?”
3.Consider the material, size, and color of your dildo of choice.
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“When it comes to the dildo, there are even more options! You want to consider material, size, and color to narrow down your search. If it’s safe and accessible to you, I recommend going to your local adult store rather than shopping online. That way you can see things in person instead of relying on pictures and descriptions. Which aren’t always accurate.”
4.Spend time wearing your harness before introducing it into the bedroom.
“Your first time wearing your harness shouldn’t be when you and your partner are about to get it on," Eden says. "Spend some time wearing it before go-time. Put it on, stand in the mirror, and move your hips. Do some squats, some lunges, some toe-touches. You’re probably chuckling to yourself at this point but I’m serious. You want to see how the harness moves with your body and, more importantly, if it’s comfortable.
"Is it digging or pinching around your hips or thighs? Depending on the style of harness you have, you might be able to adjust it to your comfort. Is your dildo pointing at the floor? Your harness may not be able to support the weight of the dildo you chose. It’s best to find these things out before your debut performance.”
5.Lube is your friend.
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“The vagina self-lubricates, the bootyhole does not. Both these holes, and any other fold or crease you might want to play with, can always benefit from some added moisture. There’s this myth that using lube is a bad thing. But why make the body do extra work? The body’s natural moisture may change for a number of reasons. Maybe you haven’t been drinking as much water as you should. Maybe it’s cold in the room. Maybe you’ve recently switched up your medications or supplements.
"Whatever the reason, adding a little lube can make it a more comfortable and pleasurable experience for everyone involved.”
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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