The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)
OK, so I've got a question. How many of y'all journal on a regular basis? At first, I was going to ask how many of y'all own a journal, but if you're anything like me, you've probably got three or four of 'em collecting dust somewhere in your house. For me, I think that my relationship with journaling is a lot like my relationship is with reading—I write and research so much that I don't make as much time for either as I should. That doesn't mean that I don't know that both are extremely important practices, though.
Since we're specifically talking about sex journaling today, let's explore a few reasons why journaling, in general, is such a good thing to do. Journaling helps to increase your emotional intelligence. Journaling reduces stress. Journal provides clarity. Journaling gives your innermost emotions and thoughts a voice, platform and safe space. Journaling can help you to reach your goals. Journaling can also improve your memory and vocabulary while strengthening your self-discipline in the process. Journaling can do all of that? Yep. So, apply all of these points to your sex life and imagine what sex journaling is capable of.
No matter how you feel about your sex life at the moment, I'm going to encourage you to hop on Amazon, Etsy or go to a local bookstore to pick up a fresh new journal. Devote it only to your sex life and write in it at least a couple of times a week. Aside from all of the reasons that I just provided, there are some benefits that come with sex journaling that can make how you see—and perform—sex better than ever before. Benefits like what?
Sex Journaling Is a Great Way to Remember THE FACTS About Your Sex Life
Recently, I checked out an article on exaggeration. According to the piece, although virtually all of us do it, there are three types of exaggerating that can make life, as the article puts it, "unnecessarily dramatic"—there's overgeneralizing, there's catastrophizing (which is basically making something bigger in our minds than it actually is), and there's making snap judgments and jumping to conclusions. As I thought about the times when I've exaggerated in these ways before, I also thought about how exaggerating could be applied to my sex life. There are the guys who I thought were the absolute bomb, mostly because I had a tendency to only replay one or two times in my mind rather than our entire sexuationship. There are moments that caused me to struggle with my self-worth because I only focused on the things that I did "wrong" or average instead of taking the entire experience into account.
That's why, although some people who are close to me cringe whenever I pen an article like, "Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" (mostly because they feel like it's TMI 2.0), to me, it's like getting paid to journal. The reason why I feel that way is because writing it all out helps me to not just reflect on my feelings about my sex life, but to also put things into proper perspective as it relates to various situations and facts. When I do that, I am able to get clarity on what I did, what I would do now and what I would never do again.
Sex Journaling Can Help You to Pinpoint What Works—and What Doesn’t
Another cool thing that comes from sex journaling is it can help you to get a clear grasp of what works for you and what doesn't when it comes to the act overall, the kind of partners that you choose and various techniques and positions that you like and dislike. For instance, one of the couples that I used to work with, the wife was always talking about how her husband didn't please her like some of her past partners had. But whenever I would ask her to explain, she would look at me like, "What do you mean? Didn't I just tell you enough?" Actually, you didn't. Was it that you were more attracted to your past partners? Was the foreplay more pleasurable for you? Are there certain positions that you preferred that you're not experiencing now? How did you feel about your body at the time? What do you wish your partner would do more of and less of? If you're not having enough orgasms, are you faking them? What did your exes do that your partner isn't?
When you're out here generalizing your sex life, it's hard to come up with a plan for how to improve it. By asking yourself questions like the ones that I just mentioned and then writing the answers down, that can help you to better strategize what you want your sex life to be like; it can reveal what works and what doesn't in a very real and documented kind of way. It can give you a reference point that you can always go back to when needed.
Sex Journaling Is an Awesome Way to Mentally Stimulate You and Your Partner
Did you know that another benefit that comes from journaling is it can help you to get a better night's rest? If you and your partner make it a point to write down some of your favorite memories and experiences with one another, man—talk about the ultimate kind of bedtime story. Sex journaling can be a wonderful form of foreplay too because, if you both commit to reading some of your entries out loud to one another, that can bring your minds back to times that you want to repeat; hopefully as soon as possible.
While we're on this particular point, who said that this only has to happen when you're in bed with one another. Transcribe an entry and then shoot it in email or a part of it in a text while your partner is at work or out of town. Reading (or re-reading) the moments that both of you have enjoyed together can truly be the ultimate kind of aphrodisiac. Straight up.
Sex Journaling Can Serve As a Place of Revelation and Healing
Since every 73 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted, there is a huge chance that you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual abuse, assault or some sort of sex-related trauma. Keeping that in mind, it's not uncommon that when a counselor or therapist is dealing with a client who has been affected by something sexually traumatic that they will recommend they journal about it. Journaling has a way of helping you to confront what you've been through, to process it and to address it in a kind of open and uncensored way that you might not feel comfortable doing any other way. Journaling is able to give your pain a voice while validating your feelings about it at the same time.
With all of the stuff that I've been through, sometimes even I'm amazed that I haven't lost my mind. But when I'm able to look back on things I've written like "If You Have To Wonder If It Was Rape, It Was", I am able to see where I was vs. where I am. I am also able to establish the kind of boundaries that I need to set, moving forward and, more than anything, heal because, thanks to writing about the things that I've been through, my pain has not been silenced. Or ignored.
Sex Journaling Can Help You to Set Future Sex-Related Goals
Some of the happiest people on the planet are the ones who are constantly setting bars and reaching them, only to set more. That said, another benefit that can come from sex journaling is jotting down the kind of short-term and long-term sex-related goals that you want to achieve. Do you want to have more orgasms? Do you want to make more fantasies come true? Maybe you'd like to take a tour of some of the sexiest hotels that are in the country or even the world. Perhaps you want to try new sexual positions or to take greater sexual risks. Or, maybe the goal has to do with breaking some toxic patterns that have resulted in you being dissatisfied, both emotionally as well as sexually.
There is plenty of evidence to support that when we write down our goals, it is able to give us clarity and motivate us to take action. There are even studies to support the fact that you are 42 percent more likely to achieve your goals (and your dreams) if you decide to write them down. And just think—the more things that you are able to achieve, the more confidence you'll have, and the more open you'll be to add other goals to your list in the future. Sex-themed goals included.
If I've inspired you, at least a little bit, then you might wonder how much time you should devote to sex journaling in order to get the results that you want. Pulling out your journal and a pen and writing about 15-20 minutes a couple of times a week should just about do it. Just make sure that it's when the atmosphere is quiet and when the space that you're in puts you in a sensual frame of mind. Oh, and make sure to date your entries and to replace your journals every year. Fresh year. Fresh sex perspective. Fresh sex journal. In that order.
There's no time like the present to become a healthy and happier sexual being. One of the most effective ways to do it is by committing to doing a little sex journaling. Make the time. You—and your sex life—won't regret it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What Happened When I Challenged Myself To Journal More For Two Weeks
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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