I'll be real here–I get pleasure from a little pain. As a result of that, I can be a bit of a masochist in how I approach things of the sexual nature. I enjoy lovemaking, but rough sex has always been a personal preference.
Anal, or butt sex, kind of nestles on a line in between those two things. Where pain meets pleasure, pleasure meets pain. Anal sex isn't ordinarily a go-to for many couples, mainly because the nature of it is not the seamless penatration and frenzied motions we see porn stars encapsulate so well on film. That kind of pacing is something that has to be worked toward.
Yet, anal sex is increasingly becoming more and more of a facet in our day to day sexual experiences, whether it is an option you want to engage in during that time of the month, in lieu of period sex, or if you're just looking for something a little different than vaginal penetration or oral sex.
The anus is a very erogenous zone of the body and is very sensitive to touch, and thus offers a very pleasurable experience when stimulated. For women, anal sex can promote the stimulation of the g-spot, the clitoral legs, and the cervix due to those nerves being in close proximity to some of our bodies' most pleasurable areas. Some women who might struggle with obtaining an orgasm might find that anal provides a whole new set of sensations that lead to that illustrious vaginal orgasm (in tandem with other forms of stimulation, of course).
However, as previously mentioned, despite what you see play out on your favorite PornHub vid, entering an ass is not the same as entering a vagina.
While the vagina stretches to accommodate the penis naturally, the anus needs a lot more help to become pliable. I refer to the anus as a “ring of fire" because initially when your partner penetrates you, the hardest part is to get the head of his penis past that ring, and a lot of women get thrown off by that feeling of strong discomfort and pressure that they experience and stop altogether.
During my first couple of attempts at anal, I underestimated just how much help my ass needed to accommodate a penis, and even an average sized penis felt gargantuan knocking at that door, so I gave up on anal very easily. I didn't take into account the level of preparation you need before anal to make the ride as smooth as possible. And I mean that literally.
What To Do Before Anal Sex
Having a proper diet and good hygiene practices helps with overall cleanliness down there. I've heard some people go to the extremes of douching as a means to act as an enema, but I can honestly say that if you're eating a good diet, your body does its work enough throughout the day to keep the bowels clean. If you are planning to have anal sex, say “no" to eating at least a few hours prior to intercourse to avoid any unnecessary messiness. Strengthen your muscle control through Kegel exercises to further increase pleasure down there.
Also, consider investing in butt plugs. Some adult novelty stores sell them in a three per pack variety with the small, medium, and large options to train your anus. I had great success using them and gradually increasing in size throughout the week leading up to my first true anal sex experience. The small was about the size of the finger and of course, the large is at least the width of a penis, which made anal easier. Practice makes perfect. It's something you can invite your partner to do with you as well. I use them sometimes during vaginal sex, which makes for a new, more intense experience for the both of us as well.
Related: So Your Man's Not Feeling Your Sex Toys, Here's How to Change That
Foreplay is not a luxury; it's a necessity, and even more so one when partaking in anal. It's important that your partner makes you feel like you're in heaven on earth. He should be catering to your every whim and desire as he crosses deserts to bury his head in the water that is that valley in between your thighs. Also a sensual butt massage does wonders in opening up your body to the pleasure it is about to receive.
"Foreplay is not a luxury; it's a necessity."
During Anal Sex
Lubrication is undoubtedly THE most important part of anal sex. Again, the anus is not the vagina, so it needs a little help. In terms of lubrication, it needs a lot of help. My golden rule with lubrication and anal sex is that there is never too much. Spread it very generously on the penis, even if a condom is being used. Spread it very generously on your ass and anus, spread it very generously on your plug, and have a few practice strokes. There's no such thing as too much lube because the anus does not produce secretions like the vagina does when aroused, and those secretions are important to protect your body while producing the friction that sex creates.
Related: The Wetter, The Better: A Simple Guide to Getting Off With Lube
Relaxation is also incredibly important. Breathe and focus on the relaxation of the anal area opening for your partner. He must enter you as slowly as possible. Remember that ring of fire I mentioned above? My favorite way to be entered anally is in the spooning position, with his arm around me and his lips at the back of my neck. Focusing on his breathing and how delirious those kisses feel at the base of my neck (that's my spot!) help me to relax enough to let him into my body. Some women find distractions in the form of other stimulants work best for them. For example, using a vibrator or having his/her hands find your clit and play with it.
Communication is the last big thing that comes into play with anal sex. My partner knows to always start slow and to allow my ass to adjust to the size of him. He instinctively asks me, “You okay?" I moan my answer. “Can I go a little deeper?" "Can I go a little faster?" Those questions enter the room after how into it I am becomes more obvious. My hips are meeting his thrusts, my moans are echoing off our walls. In other words, hell yes, daddy. We both are on the same page when it comes to what feels good to us and that allows the experience to be all the more pleasurable.
Comfort, arousal, and pleasure should be three of your biggest priorities when engaging in anal sex. It takes time and patience to have anal. Anal sex can be quite an intense and satisfying experience for both parties involved, and is definitely something I think everyone should try at least once.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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