Sex
As a marriage life coach, if you come to me for premarital counseling, my former clients (of that) will tell you that when it comes to tackling things like purpose, childhood stuff, and intimacy, I am going to take my sweet time. Why? Because over two decades of experience in this lane has confirmed that one of the reasons why some people struggle in their marriage is because there wasn’t enough time spent on figuring out if they complemented each other’s purpose, if they were bringing childhood dysfunction into their union (and if so, how much) and if they were on the same page as far as how to prioritize intimacy.
On the sex tip, this includes getting into the details like foreplay…and not just when it comes to intercourse either. In fact, I’d venture to say that both men and women would have partners who enjoyed coitus and oral sex so much more if foreplay were incorporated far more than it tends to be.
Today, we’re going to come at it from the fellatio and cunnilingus angle. And with that said, be honest — how much effort is put into arousing, stimulating, and exciting your partner before the deed gets done? Not just when it comes to giving but receiving as well?
If you know that you both could use a bit of work in this department (perhaps because you’ve always only seen oral sex as foreplay — hmm…), I’ve got 10 tips that can make that part of sex feel like more than just an appetizer. Hell, sometimes, it can be the whole damn meal.
1. Talk About “It”
I’m a BIG fan of dirty talk. I’m pretty sure that the main reason is because my top love language continues to be words of affirmation, plus being a writer doesn’t hurt. However, I’m also aware that there is a science behind the impact of what words can do to our psyche too. For instance, while negative words cultivate stress and anxiety that can cause our hormones to go into influx, positive words help to regulate both physical and emotional stress.
And when it comes to dirty talk, specifically, just like some words can be emotionally arousing, it’s been reported that 7 out 10 individuals enjoy making sexual suggestions, asking sex-themed questions and verbally expressing appreciation whenever a sexual need or desire is met. And all of this is exactly why more dirty talk should come into play, as a form of foreplay, before fellatio or cunnilingus transpires. Tell your partner what you want to do to them. Ask them what they fantasize about (as far as oral sex goes). Inquire about what words turn them on.
When it comes to foreplay — hell, of pretty much any kind — once you’ve mastered dirty talk, you’d be amazed how far it can take (and get) you.
2. Kiss EVERYWHERE BUT…First
When you get a chance, check out “The Secret To The Ultimate Oral Sex Experience? Lip Gloss.” Listen, when it comes to making sure that you experience THE BEST SEX EVER, I’m good for coming up with some real deal hacks. LOL. And yes, y’all — kissing your partner everywhere but where you plan on — eh hem — kissing him the most? That is a surefire way to intensify the experience!
Not only does kissing feel really damn good (at least to most of us; check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?” sometime, chile), many studies say that while women prefer sex with men they kiss, men actually put sex hormones and proteins into the mouth of the women they kiss.
And y’all, who said that kissing has to stop at the mouth? Wherever your partner’s sexual pressure points are (you can find out by asking during that dirty talk that I already mentioned), kiss them there. The warmth and wetness of your mouth on their highly sensitive spots will arouse them in ways that you can’t even begin to imagine, chile.
3. Play Around with Temperatures
Another article that you should check out when you get a chance is“Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom.” I’m sharing it here because it’s a form of temperature play and that is something else that can make oral sex foreplay unforgettable.
The reason why a lot of people enjoy playing with hot, warm and cold levels during sex is because it causes their nerve endings to react in some pleasant and yet oftentimes unexpected sort of ways. So, bring in a bowl of ice. Light up a massage candle. Use your breath to blow on your partner’s body without actually touching them. Seduction is a huge part of arousal. Temperature play can make seducing your partner so much easier to do.
4. Bring Silk and Satin into Play
Whether it’s your lingerie (check out “Lingerie Hacks: How To Choose The Best Kind For Your Body Type”), a blindfold, some makeshift handcuffs or your bedding — absolutely make sure that you play around with some silk and satin fabrics. The reason why both of these are basically synonymous with seduction is they are luxuriant, soft to the touch and, when worn, they complement pretty much every body type. So, whether you want to give him a show or you want to use silk or satin to tease and entice him, both materials will have your back either way.
5. Try Body Mapping
The concept of body mapping is a layered one. Generally, it’s a technique that is used to help people to work through a difficult or traumatic experience (you can read more about that here). If you’re trying to process something that is sexually-related (and you are a woman), vaginal mapping may be something that you want to try (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”). However, there are other forms of body mapping that serve other purposes.
For instance, if you’re a musician and you happen to use your hands and wrists a lot, body mapping can help to speed up the healing process in those areas (you can read more about that here). Or if you want to arouse your partner, body mapping (which, in this case, is oftentimes also known as pleasure mapping) is all about zeroing in on various parts of your partner’s body in order to learn more about what does and doesn’t turn them on. At the end of the day, it’s about becoming hyper-focused on what brings them the most pleasure and what…doesn’t. You can read more about how to do effective body/pleasuring mapping here.
6. Do Different Things with Your Mouth
The mouth is not a one-trick pony. When it comes to this particular topic, what I mean by that is, just because sucking is the main thing that comes to mind when it comes to fellatio (like licking is typically what people think of first and most when it comes to cunnilingus), that doesn’t mean that’s all that your mouth can do. So…experiment. Nibble on his lips, neck and nipples. Gently suck on his pecs and around his belly button. Blow air on top of his penis before taking it into your mouth. Building anticipation is a huge part of great foreplay and “seeing what that mouth do” can help to make that happen, for sure.
7. Lick with Flavored Lube
Y’all, I can’t believe that there are people who are well into their 30s and 40s who think that safe sex only consists of using condoms during intercourse. Let the record show that just like you can get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes (simplex virus types 1 and 2), HPV and HIV from coitus, you can get it from unprotected fellatio and cunnilingus as well — and that is why it’s a good idea to get tested before engaging in oral activity and to use condoms and dental dams with individuals who you are not in an exclusive sexual dynamic with.
To make the experience more fun, incorporate some flavored lube. That way, you won’t have the latex (or whatever rubber material you are using) flavor in your mouth and it won’t feel so…clinical (at least that’s the word that immediately came to mind).
8. Lube Up Your Hands Too
A hand job isn’t a blow job — it can bring about its own level of pleasure, though, especially if you lube up one or both of your hands before gracing your partner with one. And why do they bring (most) men so much joy? One of my male friends said that it’s because hands can easily change the amount of pressure that is put on their penis. Another friend said it’s a great way to incorporate kissing (the mouth) and genital arousal at the same time. Still another friend said that they feel that more women are better at hand jobs than fellatio (check out “Umm...Wanna Learn How To Swallow? Try These”). And if the hand is super wet? Take everything that was said and go up a couple of notches if/when the hands are wet!
9. Massage the Inner Thighs and Pubic Bone
The first time that I visited South Africa, I saw my fair share of women with sheer tops on; sometimes without a bra. When I asked one of them about it, I’ll never forget what the beautiful Zulu lady said: “Breasts are for feeding babies. Europeans taught you Americans to sexualize them so. Inner thighs are sacred. They are the gateway to the womb.”
It would also make sense that inner thighs would be an erogenous zone since they also lead to the genitalia that brings so much sexual pleasure. And that is why, another beyond awesome oral sex foreplay move is to gently massage your partner’s inner things while kissing other parts of his body and his pubic bone before taking him into your mouth. Thank me later, chile.
10. Stretch “It” Out
When it comes to how long foreplay should last, every couple is different. That said, the average time that works for most is somewhere around 20 minutes. So, if you’re someone who typically dives right in after five minutes or so…stretch foreplay out a bit. One way to “time yourself” is to play some sexy music and try to stay in foreplay mode through 3-4 songs (songs tend to be around three minutes) before diving into “the main course.” Listen, if you follow through with the tips that I provided, you might up and realize that you like foreplay just as much as what follows. Here’s hoping, sis. #wink
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