Listen, I don't know about y'all but if there is one thing that the past several months has taught me, it's to embrace the space that is all mine that I have total control of—my house. While I have always been pretty domesticated in the sense of wanting my place to feel as warm and inviting as possible, lately, I've been intentionally investing in the rooms of my home so that they evoke intense feelings of peace, tranquility and calm. Basically, every time I walk into my front door, I want to be able to exhale whether I go into my living room, kitchen, bedroom or even my bathroom.
A part of the reason why this is so important to me is because I have worked from home for years now. Yet whether or not that is your personal testimony, I want to take out some time to encourage you to do all that you can to make your weekend hours at your own house feel as much as an oasis as possible. After all, an oasis is the perfect word for what most of us need right through here, don't you think?
Oasis: something serving as a refuge, relief, or pleasant change from what is usual, annoying, difficult, etc.
If this is exactly what you want, but you need a little help finding some inspiration, I've got 15 tips to help to get your started. Ready?
1. Invest in Some Greenery
There are a few awesome reasons to have plants in various rooms of your home. They're proven to be able to help to improve your mood, make you more creative and decrease your stress levels. Growing up, there were quite a few plants in my house, but I must admit that I like my place being on the darker side, so I don't have any around at present. What I do have is a huge faux tree in one of my rooms and I adore it to no end. So, whether it's the real deal (which can also decrease indoor humidity and noise levels) or something that's just for show (click here for some of the best fake greenery around), add some plants to your place. It will definitely—and immediately—create an oasis effect.
2. Make Your Own Scented Candles
Personally, I don't know anyone who isn't close to being totally in love with candles; especially if they're scented. If you happen to be one of them but you've never contemplated the benefits that come from lighting a few of 'em up, candles provide a calming effect. Based on the scent that you choose, they can also appeal your sense of smell and put you into a better mood. Plus, candles are a wonderful complement if you're someone who likes to meditate, pray or journal. And, if your oasis is going to consist of a partner being in your space, candles are mad romantic too.
Thing is, candles aren't always or necessarily the cheapest things on the planet. So, if your budget is super tight, something that you might want to do is make some of your own. It might sound like quite the feat at first, but they're actually easier to make than you might think. You can get a thorough walk-through by checking out this article right here.
3. Get Some Big Throw Pillows
Other than the pillows that you've got on your bed, how many other ones do you own? Something that I dig about big throw pillows is they immediately make a room look warmer and more appealing. Plus, there's nothing more comfortable than putting a couple of them on the floor and laying on them while listening to some music or watching a movie. As a bonus, many throw pillows are pretty inexpensive. You can find them everywhere, from Target and Walmart to Big Lots and Bed Bath & Beyond (Apartment Therapy did a feature on where to get some higher end ones; you can check it out here).
4. Switch Up Your Wall Art
I'm not sure what makes us think that just because we've hung up a particular picture that we can't ever switch it out with something else. By rotating your wall art—based on your particular mood or even season of the year—not only is it a simple way to avoid getting bored with your décor but it can totally shift the energy of any given room in your house. If you want some one-of-a-kind pieces, I've found some really unique and affordable prints on Etsy. Just go to the site and put whatever your favorite kind of art is in the search field.
5. Use Natural Light As Much As Possible
There are a few reasons to make the most of natural light. On the financial tip, it's cheaper than relying on your overhead lights and lamps. Also, natural lighting keeps seasonal depression at bay, helps you to get more Vitamin D into your system and can improve your quality of sleep as well.
If you're someone who is hesitant to open your window treatments up because you're worried that someone can peep in to see what you're up to, there is something called mirror window film that you can apply to your windows. It's cool because it makes it possible for you to look out of your windows while preventing others from being able to look inside of 'em. Just know that this is designed to work during the day not at night (as far as looking outside from indoors). Anyway, you can find rolls of the film at a pretty reasonable price at your local home improvement stores.
6. Add More Neutral Hues
If you speak with interior decorators, many of them will say that nothing welcomes the feeling of calm and tranquility quite like neutral colors do. For the record, the four basic hues of neutral are white (which represents purity and cleanliness), black (which represents sophistication and affluence), grey (which represents maturity and reliability) and brown (which represents authenticity and warmth); however, "near neutrals" (which are lighter or darker versions of the four) are great too. Speaking of colors that are wonderful for creating an oasis-like feeling, pale pastels can also provide a feeling of serenity.
7. Cop Some Seasonal Blankets
I think one of the best things that I ever did to pamper myself was purchase several throw blankets. At this point, I believe I've got around 10 of 'em. I just like stringing some along my loveseat and ottomans, so that I can curl up in one at any given moment while I'm chillin' in pretty much any room of my house. Just make sure to get the ones that match the season you're in. Cotton and fleece are most ideal for spring and summer while wool, cable knit and cashmere are more ideal for the fall and wintertime.
8. Take a Milk Bath
The reason why I wrote the article, "Did You Know There's A Right & A Wrong Way To Take A Bath?" around this time last year is because, the reality is, not all baths are created equal. The reason why I also wrote, "Make 'National Bathtub Party Day' Your Favorite Day Of The Year" (which rolls around at the top of every December, by the way) is because, soaking in your tub is one of the most cost-effective yet also luxuriant ways to pamper yourself. If you opt for taking a milk bath from time to time, depending on the kind of milk that you choose, it can perform mini miracles for your overall health and well-being.
Coconut milk and buttermilk contain lauric acid which supports the skin and the production of collagen. Oat milk soothes dry skin and eczema-related symptoms. Goat milk helps to gently remove dead skin cells. Plus, all of these milks will moisturize your skin in a way that is simply incomparable. Just pour two cups of your preferred milk under warm running water. Then add 1/3 cup of your favorite carrier oil (like coconut oil, grapeseed oil, sweet almond oil, jojoba oil or avocado oil) and a few drops of your preferred essential oil to provide an aromatherapy effect. I promise that you will struggle with getting out of your bathtub once you set the stage with all of this holistic healing stuff.
9. Create Your Own Massage Oil
In a perfect world, we'd all have a man who lived to give us massages on demand. But if that's not your personal testimony (mine either, chile), that doesn't mean that you have to deprive yourself. Self-given scalp massages are divine. So is rubbing your feet while you're watching your favorite show on Netflix, Hulu, UMC or a free streaming site Tubi. Just make sure you pamper your scalp or skin with an oil. Warming up something like olive, avocado or Jamaican black castor oil is good for your scalp. As far as your skin is concerned, why not make a divinely scented one? I actually happened upon a site that lists a whopping 22 different DIY massage oil recipes. You can check it out here.
10. Play Some ASMR or Soothing Music
The reason why there are articles on this platform like, "Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life" is because, there's no way around the fact that music is powerful—and powerfully influential.
From a scientific standpoint, music is proven to do everything from slow down your breathing and heart rate and reduce stress and anxiety to relieve muscle tension and trigger the production of serotonin so that you're calmer and are able to sleep more soundly.
As far as ASMR goes, while it's only been close to a couple of years now, it has gotten to the point where I never turn in for the night without some rain or ocean waves playing in the background. There is an article I once read that said that ASMR actually has the ability to produce "brain orgasms" from a physiological standpoint. So, if you wish you could be at a beach house, trapped indoors on a rainy day or could hike through a tropical rainforest, hopping on over to YouTube and putting in your favorite nature sounds can be almost just like being there.
11. Sign Up for a Wine Subscription
If there is one thing that gets y'all super hype on this platform, it's wine! I ain't mad about it either because wine is an alcoholic drink that has a significant amount of health benefits; especially if it's red wine. Red wine is scientifically proven to contain antioxidants known as polyphenols that will help to keep your heart healthy, the plant compound resveratrol that helps to lower your blood pressure and improve your cognitive functions, and other properties that assist in lowering depression-related symptoms. Wine also has nutrients that support you having stronger immunity and glowing skin. You can always run up to your closest liquor or even grocery store to get your favorite bottle. Or, if you're like me and you prefer to be indoors as much as possible on the weekends, another option is to join a wine club or subscription box service. You can find over 20 of the best ones by going here.
12. Order Some Takeout
Eating out isn't always the cheapest thing; especially if you're ordering food to be delivered. I'll give you that. But if you want to support local eateries in your area and enjoy a good meal without having to prepare it, that is always an option that you can take advantage of. If you're a bit leery because of the pandemic, check out, "10 Safety Practices For Ordering Takeout (During A Pandemic)". If you'd prefer to help out a Black-owned restaurant specifically, Eat Okra is a new app that features those in your local area.
13. Or, Eat Some Calm and Comforting Foods
Really. What's the point in cultivating the perfect ambiance if you're gonna be a nervous wreck either way? Sometimes, in the effort to find a little peace and tranquility, we mess up by chowing down on foods that ultimately cause us to climb the walls (umm, like sugar). Certain foods that promote a sense of harmony are featured in the article on our site, "8 Foods That Will Keep You Cool, Calm & Totally Relaxed". Some other foods that didn't make the list, that are both calming and comforting, include homemade soup, sautéed spinach, avocado toast, grilled salmon and turkey melts.
14. Put Your Phone on Vibrate
Tell me something. If you were on vacation right now, at your favorite spot, would you have your phone with you, 24/7? Unless you're a parent and your kids aren't with you, if your answer is "yes", please check out "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.". We've got voicemails on our phone for a reason; one of them is so that we can have moments when we're not constantly checking social media notifications or even chatting back and forth with other people. If you want to create a sense of calm and serenity on your weekends, put your phone on a charger in another room. Whatever is awaiting you on it…it can wait. It really can.
15. Sleep In
While recently checking out a pretty extensive sleep survey, I noticed that two-thirds of Americans claim to not sleep well during the week. That's a lot of people. If you're one of them, why not use the weekend to get some extra rest in? For the record, there really is no such thing as "catching up on your sleep", but being able to have a couple of days when you don't have to be a slave to your alarm clock—that can be super refreshing and a perfect way to recharge for Monday. So, definitely make it a point to either go to bed earlier or to stay in bed a little longer on the weekends. Get some new bedding. Sprinkle some lavender essential oil on your sheets (lavender oil is a natural de-stressor). Drink a little tart cherry juice (the melatonin in it will have you out like a light!). Sleep is a very simple way to get the peace that you've been looking for while you're in the oasis atmosphere that you created for yourself. Make sure that you get some this weekend, aight?
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Friendship break-ups are hard — hell, sometimes even flat-out devastating. There are articles out here that say that they’re actually a close equivalent to having a limb cut off, that it can take more out of you emotionally than going through a breakup or “falling out of love” and, because sometimes it can be as life-altering as the death of a loved one, the grieving process of losing a friend can take years to get over/past/through.
Yeah, friendship break-ups can totally wear you out on a myriad of different levels — believe me, I know.
So, what do you do if, after going through one and doing some healing, a former friend comes back into your world and wants to try and reconcile? Is that something that should even be up for consideration? Oh, if only there was a cut-and-dried or black-and-white answer for that. The reality is, since each friendship is so unique that it pretty much has its own “fingerprint,” there is no simple yes or no resolve.
However, I do think that I can provide you with a few things to strongly consider (and perhaps even journal about) so that you will end up making the kind of decision that you can feel good about; the kind that you can make real and lasting peace with.
If there is a former friend who has recently resurfaced on some level and you’re wondering if a “round two” of friendship is in the cards for you, here are some things that you should think long and hard about before saying or doing anything about…it all.
Why Did the Friendship End to Begin With?
GiphyNot too long ago, I ran into someone who I hadn’t seen in years. As we were catching up, one of the things that she inquired about was the status of someone who we have in common — or at least used to. I’m definitely not friends with this person anymore because, let’s just say that they did something that was so selfish and even emotionally cruel, that there is simply no coming back from it. That said, I haven’t not forgiven them; it’s just that, even though I knew that they had some narcissistic traits, I didn’t realize that they were capable of going as low as they did or that they would absolutely suck at holding themselves accountable when I brought the issue to their attention.
Y’all, when it comes to reconciling with someone on the friendship tip, while I am sometimes open to the possibility, what I am absolutely not interested in is when those who don’t take accountability for their actions try to come at me on some, “Girl, you’re still on that? When are you going to let that go?” gaslighting mess. And why is that the case? Because if someone isn’t willing to acknowledge what they did — or how you feel about what they did — there is a huge chance that they are going to repeat the same actions…and next time, it could be worse.
And so, before doing anything else, the first thing that you should reflect upon is why the friendship break-up transpired in the first place. Was it just a big misunderstanding or did some pretty damning things transpire that revealed a lot about the person’s character and/or their commitment (or lack thereof) to the friendship overall? It’s hard to begin something new if you’re not sure about why “it” ended to begin with.
Have You BOTH Taken Accountability?
GiphySpeaking of accountability, it takes two people to be friends and usually, it takes the actions (or inactions) of two people, at least on some level, to bring a friendship to an end as well — and that brings me to the next point. Many years ago, a former friend of mine decided to marry a guy who had all sorts of red flags. Partly because I’m a marriage life coach and then partly because I’m simply Shellie, all of my friends know that if I see a very potential relational trainwreck about to happen, I’m absolutely going to speak up — and with her, I did. Her church told her that I was being an “enemy” of the engagement (chile) and so she ended our friendship.
I believe she was still in her newlywed years when we ran into each other at an event. All she did the entire time was sob and, although we weren’t friends anymore, because I did still care about her, afterward, we spoke for several hours — about everything, including what ultimately transpired between us. I was glad that we had that conversation because I was able to take accountability for how abrupt I was and how I could’ve been more compassionate and she took accountability for not standing up for herself enough to where some strangers (of our friendship) could get her to make such a drastic decision.
Still, when it was all said and done, although I was glad that we were able to make peace when she mentioned us exchanging numbers so that we could go thrift store shopping (which is totally one of my favorite things to do to this day), I passed. After sharing some of the things that she was going through now that she actually was a wife, there was nowhere for us to go. I still wasn’t in support and yet I’m no idiot — a person’s spouse needs to take priority over their friendships (some folks seem to forget/ignore that) and so there was no point in putting either one of us through “act two” of the drama and trauma.
Yet remember again what I said: we both were in a peace-filled place and that wasn’t the case when we initially “broke up” — and the only thing that really brought us there was us both holding ourselves accountable. The takeaway here is definitely don’t consider trying again with someone if you’re both not willing to own what brought you to the ending of your friendship in the first place. Why? Because if neither of you changed, what’s going to be different now? Straight up.
Let’s Go Back Over What “Reconcile” Means
GiphySo, what if, in your opinion, what led to the breakup is truly something that you can get past and both of you have been very open, honest, and candid about what y’all could’ve/should’ve done better? What next? Well, my recommendation would be to keep in mind that “there are layers to this thing” as far as reconciliation is concerned. What I mean by that is, that there are different definitions of the word and so, you need to decide what your goal is — and by that I mean, what actually would be best for you and them.
Reconcile: to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired; to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable; to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.); to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent; to restore
Another friendship story — this time, it’s with a guy. After almost three decades of being close, a former friend of mine got a girlfriend; one who, after only a few weeks, decided that she should “pull rank” on our friendship…and chile, he allowed it. Suddenly, he was sneaking to talk to me on the phone or rushing off whenever she was around. He was basically treating me like a side chick which was weird as hell because our friendship had literally “survived” a fiancée and a wife (two different women) with no problems. The way he handled all of that, I lost so much respect for him that I ended the friendship.
The birthday following our break-up, he sent me some money and I asked him what his agenda was. He said that he wanted the friendship back, that his relationship was toxic and yet, he was still going to keep her in his life while trying to rebuild our friendship. Are you kidding me? To choose chaos is…chaotic. And so, the kind of reconciling that I decided to do with him was that first definition: get him to realize that we can’t be friends when he’s with a woman who moves like she does. We can be cool, but our intimacy is over. She’s unsafe which made him unsafe (for me) too (check out “Are You An Emotionally & Relationally Safe Person To Be Around? 6 Ways To Know.”).
Then there’s the type of reconciliation that I spoke about right before this. By talking everything out with “her,” we were able to get to an amicable place and position — and sometimes, that’s all that needs to happen because, as I oftentimes say, you get old (and mature) enough and you both realize and accept that there is a significant amount of space between “friend” and “enemy” — many relationships (or situations or interactions) fall somewhere in there.
And then there’s the kind of reconciliation that literally brings two people back together. That requires settling matters and then seeing if you can get back into some sort of holistic agreement so that the relationship can be restored — and that takes quite a bit of mutual time and effort.
That’s why, the next thing that I recommend is asking yourself what kind of reconciling you’re after: getting clarity on why things need to remain as they are; a conversation that can bring both of you into a state of peace, so that folks aren’t rolling eyes at the mall or being passive aggressive on social media? Or do you feel like there is enough to salvage to where you want to try to be friends again?
Now, let me just say that before you give (yourself) an answer, restoration is a bit of a layered word too:
Restore: to bring back into existence, use, or the like; reestablish; to bring back to a state of health, soundness, or vigor; to put back to a former place, or to a former position, rank, etc.; to give back; make return or restitution of (anything taken away or lost)
Synonyms: bring back, build up, improve, reinstate, repair, revive, replace, rescue, strengthen
What these definitions amplify is if you’re thinking about restoring a friendship, you’ve got to ponder all of these definitions, so that you can know what it will require and entail. I mean, do you want to bring it back to where it was before? If so, why? Are you both willing to “make restitution” by making amends for what you both may have emotionally lost as a direct result of the break-up? Was your friendship even healthy to begin with? Because you can’t bring something “back to a healthy state” unless it was initially in one (and that’ll preach!).
Yeah, a part of the reason why I even wanted to tackle this topic is some folks think that “fixing a friendship” is simply a matter of saying that you did — oh, but it requires so much more work than that, chile. That’s why you’ve really got to be real with yourself about if it’s even worth it. Is it?
If Things Aren’t Going To Be Better Than Before, What’s the Point?
GiphyDid you notice how synonyms for restore included things like “improve” and even “replace”? When it comes to most of my broken friendships, while again, I have done my part to make sure that there is peace between us, I can’t really say that “getting back with them” would result in a better-than-before dynamic. For one thing, with some of the folks I was friends with, at the time when we became friends, I wasn’t even really friends with myself (check out “Self BFF: 7 Signs You're Your Own Best Friend”) and so I selected them from a broken and/or dysfunctional head and heart space. Others? Because they keep a victim mentality and refuse to take accountability for the breakdown, I simply don’t trust them or see the need to invest in them on a friendship level.
Listen, the folks who I consider to be my friends, they know that I’ve got them and then some and so, especially at this point and place in my life, if a person, place, thing, or idea isn’t going to make me a better person, I don’t see the point in bringing it/them into my intimate space. And definitely, if I’m going to put in the blood, sweat, and tears that are needed to restore a friendship, I’m going to need to see some indications that not only is it NOT going to be a sequel of what we already went through, but that we are BOTH going to do what’s needed for things to be so much better. Otherwise, again, what’s the point?
On repeat for the people in the back: If you’re going to reconcile, just for more of the same — and that was oftentimes stuff that wasn’t good — sis, what’s the point?
Implement a “Probationary” Period
GiphyIt’s pretty common that when someone first gets hired for a job, they are (usually) given a 90-day probationary period. The main point of that is to see if a new employee is truly a good fit for the job. Personally, when it comes to reconciling with a former friend, I think a similar practice should be limited. I mean, people can say anything — before going all in again, ease into things. Give it a few weeks to see if you both have healed, if growth has truly transpired, and if you still work, as friends, after all that has happened.
By not jumping totally in, that helps you to guard your heart, so that if one or both of you discover that either a friendship isn’t going to work or that it’s time to transition into a different kind of dynamic, feelings are spared and there’s not so much “spilled milk” to clean you. You can transition smoothly with fonder memories in tow.
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Should you reconcile with a friend? I’ll end this with a quote by civil rights activist John M. Perkins: “There is no reconciliation until you recognize the dignity of the other until you see their view — you have to enter into the pain of the people. You've got to feel their need.” If neither of you is at this place, while there may be a need for a conversation, a reconciliation may be premature…if necessary, at all.
Again, if you’re going to enter into phase two of a relationship with a former friend, it should be better than it was before. I hope all of this will help you to determine if that is indeed the case…or not.
Either way, your time, heart, and investments are precious. Reconciliation or not, for your own sake, please choose wisely.
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