OK. I'm gonna start this off by saying, out the gate, that dating a friend is a bit of a complex topic. On one hand, I'm a huge advocate of it because I wholeheartedly agree with what the late and great R&B singer Johnny Kemp once said when he sang, "the best of friends can be lovers, after all". Indeed. In fact, let me tell it, a lot of marriages would go the distance if folks actually married, not just "a friend" but someone they consider to be their best (highest quality, highest standing, most excellent, most suitable) friend. Why? Basically, because we tend to have so much more tolerance, understanding and willingness to work things out when someone is our very best friend. When we see them as anything less, not so much.
There is a flip to this, though. As someone who was once in a relationship with one of my best friends for several years and is no longer friends with that person now, there are a few things that you should think about long and hard before making that kind of shift in your relational dynamic. For me, I regret getting involved with this particular close friend for all kinds of reasons. Again, not because I don't rally for friends transitioning into more-than-friends. It was because he was into me, I wasn't all that into him and yet I convinced myself that, since he was such a good guy, I should talk myself into making "it" happen anyway. For the skimmers out here, let me just say that if you've got to convince yourself to be with anyone (or it looks like they are trying to "talk themselves into" being with you), that is absolutely NOT a good reason to make a relationship happen. You deserve to be with someone who you're totally into, "they" deserve to know what that feels like — and vice versa.
Still, if you and your friend have a mutual attraction, you do feel a bit of a mutual spark, you're both currently single and there is a part of you that wonders if you both should take things to the next level, here are some things that I highly recommend that you strongly consider — so that making that move can significantly up your chances of proving itself to be totally worth the risk.
Know That Yes, a Relationship WILL Change Things
When it comes from going from friends to more-than-friends, where some people mess up is they actually tell themselves that not much will change after the switch is made. In their minds, all that will really happen is they'll go out more and maybe become sexually involved. First of all, becoming sexually involved with someone changes things (it's designed to); if not immediately, eventually. Secondly, the mere fact that the two of you decided to become "more", that speaks to an immediate shift and you wanting one. And sometimes — no, most times — there's no going back once you do.
Can you see the future? Oh, the power we would have if we could. We can't and so yes, making this move is a bit of a gamble. All I'm saying is this is definitely not something that should "just happen". You need to be realistic about the fact that going from friends to more-than-friends can have a ton of benefits. It could also bring about some regret if you're not careful as well.
Whatever You Expect to Switch Up, Discuss It. Beforehand.
There's someone I know who was friends with someone else, dated them to the point of being engaged, broke up with their fiancée, remained friends (see, it happens) and now, all of these years later, he and his ex are considering making a go of it again. What's the hesitancy? Well, back in the day, the goal was marriage. He's divorced now and has no real interest in getting married again while his ex has never been married before. While she's not sure if jumping the broom is a true desire of hers, he cares enough about her and what they currently share that he wants to make sure that he doesn't end up wasting her time or standing in the way of the kind of relationship that could lead to marriage for her, with someone else, in the future.
That's some grown-up ish right there. Problem is, he's been discussing all of this with me more than with her because he wonders if expressing all of this could make things super awkward and possibly ruin the potential of something romantic. Maybe. Yet what's worse is to go ahead and start dating and/or having sex, with both of them assuming one thing, when they both couldn't be further off the mark.
If there is a benefit that comes with dating a friend, it should be that the two of you already are pretty good at communicating, so why feel uncomfortable with sharing your heart about being in a relationship or even what your fears are concerning it? The best that can happen is you both discover you're on the same page. The worst is realizing that you're not and so you continue on as friends. Right?
Don’t Do It As a Form of Settling
Sometimes, people consider dating a friend out of pure loneliness — shoot, even sheer desperation. Since there are no current prospects in their space, they tell themselves that since they've been spending so much time with their friend in the first place, why not test things out to see if becoming more serious is a good idea.
The guy that I was talking about in the intro? That is a part of what I had going on. I wasn't desperate. I had semi-recently broken up with someone else and so I was a little lonely, though. However, the biggest point was I told myself, "I mean, we hang out all of the time and I tell him everything anyway. All I've got to do is have sex with him. It can't be that big of a shift." Oh, yes it was. Suddenly, the guys I used to tell him about and get advice on, he didn't want me talking to and the hangouts that used to happen so effortlessly, we both wanted more from (he wanted them to happen more often and I wanted him to be much more romantic when they did).
Looking back, because we had been such good friends and that served as the foundation of our relationship, that's what made everything last for as long as I did. Yet I would be lying if I didn't say that I settled — big time. I didn't love him as more than a friend. I was in love with the idea of loving him as more than a friend. And, because of that, I tolerated more than I ever should have. He sucked at birthdays and special occasions. Financially, I was in a more stable place (read between the lines on that one). When he had sex with someone else, I stayed because I processed it as "holding down my friend" when I should've taken it as my "get out jail free" card. Literally.
The takeaway here is, when you know that you're settling, in anything, it usually starts to bring on feelings of resentment — and that can never (ever) be good. So, if you're considering dating a friend because "you've got nothing better to do" — don't. Take it from someone who did it that way and lost time that I will never get back.
What Are the Benefits of Going to the Next Level?
I mean, if you're going to think about this from all perspectives, I had to share with you some of the downside potential. Now let's hit on some of the immense perks. Dating a friend means you're getting involved with someone you already know (I mean, really know). Dating a friend means you're taking things up a notch with someone you trust. Dating a friend means that you can move past that "dating the representative" BS that leaves a lot of people totally disillusioned; while there is another side to one another that you will encounter, because you started out as friends, you tend to already know a lot of their flaws, triggers, history and issues (as they do you). And since you both decided to move forward anyway, it's all good.
If they are a close friend, chances are, your family members and other close friends already know them (or know a lot about them) and have accepted them as a part of your world. Dating a friend also means that you can be certain that you both have each other's best interest at heart — that you're not just "playin' each other". All of these are huge wins. They really are.
Remember to Keep the Friendship Your Top Priority
I'm thinking that we all can pretty much agree that the foundation of any relationship should be a friendship. That's why, although there are certainly exceptions to the rule, overall, I'm a bit leery of folks going from 0-100 in only a few months.
I mean, if it took you a couple of years to really trust your girlfriends, why would you marry a guy you've only been seeing (including just met him) for a half a year? While it's kind of a rhetorical question, the answer I've got is a lot of folks are so busy trying to be "in love" that they underestimate how important it is to be "in like" and if you ask any married couple which will get you through the hard times, I can guarantee that at least 90 percent will say that it's the latter.
That's why, if you and your friend do indeed decide to date each other, there's got to be a mutual commitment to keep your friendship as the top priority. What I mean that by that is you need to remain real with one another (even if something is hard to hear), that you both are practical about where things stand (even if it's tempting for one of you to romanticize things to where you are being a bit unrealistic about your expectations) and that you nurture the friendship over feeding the relationship. What I mean by that is you both check in to make sure that you feel like the friendship is still intact.
Because, take it from me, sometimes, when you're dating a friend, you can be so focused on what you think a relationship should be like that you don't even ask yourself if your friendship (and friend) is good — if all of the things that caused you to become friends in the first place are still in a healthy space.
Be Honest: Are You Willing to Risk Ultimately Losing the Friendship?
I was recently talking to someone about how heartbroken they currently are because they dated a friend, it didn't work out and what they are now grieving is the end of the relationship and the friendship. Why did it have to cost them both? Because the reality is, even when you are super close with someone on a friendship level, there are some things that you can only experience in a relationship and if things like disloyalty, wanting different things from the relationship, being emotionally hurt on a relational level happens, sometimes that can taint the friendship because you just don't see your friend in the same way.
Personally, if I had really thought about if I was willing to lose my friendship for a chance at a relationship, with all that I now know, the answer wouldn't just be "no". It would be "hell no" because, although he and I are now peaceful, there's just too much water under the bridge at this point.
Again, I hope you don't close out this article and be like, "Damn. Dating a friend sucks" because it really doesn't have to. It's just important that you and your friend are open, honest and really clear about why you're doing it and what you ultimately hope to gain from it. If that happens, again, your odds of success are really good. On the flip, if you're not sure, keep what you already know is great — the friendship.
Because if it's meant to be, you both will know at the right time, there will be a mutual level of peace and the relationship will also move forward into something else — a long-term commitment. If you or he just doesn't feel right about all of that, at least for now, leave well enough alone, chile. Please. Thank me later.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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