
All The Ulta Beauty Self-Care & Beauty Steals We’re Currently Indulging In

This article is in partnership with Ulta Beauty.
Now more than ever, self-care is proving to be the essence of a life well-lived. As Black women, we often forget how vital it is to take the time to pour into ourselves in order to move through the world in the true power of our highest selves. While practices like meditation and lighting a candle are excellent ways for us to maintain our peace, it is equally important to find ways to radically practice self-care through acts of pampering and indulgence. What better way to indulge than to give your beauty and skincare routine a revamp. Enter, Ulta Beauty's 21 Days Of Beauty that is bringing us all the self-care energy we deserve!
From August 30 through September 19, the name of the game is self-care and Ulta Beauty has us covered with a lineup of daily Beauty Steals®. With their famed bi-annual event, daily Beauty Steals are Ulta Beauty's way of allowing beauty lovers to try new products that might have always been on their wish list at a fraction of the price (hello, bad and boujee on a budget). There's nothing like the therapeutic act of applying a new winged eyeliner or a rejuvenating face mask can have you feeling bomb while looking bomb.
Given our current life and times, it's the exact kind of pampering our days are calling for. Thankfully, Ulta Beauty is also providing us with a plethora of ways to shop. We can do so in store, online, in the app, or even curbside pickup. Keep in mind that highlighted beauty steals are only valid for a 24-hour window on the designated days. Are your carts ready? Let's get it!
Check out everything new and covet-worthy from Ulta Beauty's 21 Days Of Beauty event below:
Week 1 Beauty Steals
Day 1: Sunday, August 30
Benefit Cosmetics Precisely My Brow Pencil
Ulta Beauty
The Benefit Cosmetics Precisely My Brow Pencil is the definition of the mantra "my brow, but better" and is key to a defined brow. As a fan fave, this brow pencil is ideal for giving sparse brows the ultimate assist with a custom goof-proof tip and a smudge-resistant formula. As a beauty steal, the brow pencil is 50% off at a sale price of $12.
Foreo Luna Mini 2
Ulta Beauty
High-tech meets skincare with the Foreo Luna Mini 2. This device offers a gentle cleanse which is great for those with a sensitive skin type. However, the beauty steal doesn't sacrifice effectiveness, as it emits 8,000 pulsations per minute for a truly deep clean. And for a sale price of $59.50, our pores are already singing its praises.
Day 2: Monday, August 31
Murad AHA/BHA Exfoliating Cleanser
Ulta Beauty
Do you have trouble with dark spots or hyperpigmentation? Get you an acid, sis! The Murad AHA/BHA Exfoliating Cleanser acts as a chemical exfoliant, gently exfoliating the surface of the skin to reveal brighter, more even-toned skin over time. In addition to consisting of a trio of acids (salicylic, lactic and glycolic) to help with skin tone and texture, the intensive triple-action cleanser also includes Jojoba skin-polishing beads to deeply clean pores while smoothing away dry and dull skin. New complexion, who dis?
Murad Essential-C Cleanser
Ulta Beauty
The Murad Essential C-Cleanser is an antioxidant-rich cleanser that consists of a vitamin-rich formula that rehydrates your skin with the moisture it didn't know it needed. Even while inside of the house, thanks to social distancing season, your skin can be impacted by its fair share of impurities, and let's not get started on the dreaded 'maskne' some of us have become susceptible to. This 50% off beauty steal also helps to protect skin from harmful UVA/UVB rays and free-radical damage while replenishing dry skin with the moisture it craves.
Day 3: Tuesday, September 1
bareMinerals Mineral Veil
Ulta Beauty
Looking for a more airbrushed finish to your go-to makeup look of choice? Well, this finishing powder is the beauty steal every makeup aficionado should have in their arsenal. The bareMinerals Mineral Veil is a special blend of minerals that help absorb any excess oil daring to infringe upon the perfect face beat. In its wake, it makes for a soft focus finish that's the matte finish most of us live for.
A first-time steal to the 21 Days Of Beauty line-up, Mario Badescu Regimen Kits are no stranger to the list of Ulta Beauty fan favorites. The regimen kits address a variety of skin concerns, from combo/oily to brightening. The Mario Badescu Brightening Regimen Kit contains products like the Glycolic Foaming Cleanser, the Alpha Grapefruit Cleansing Lotion, the Vitamin C Serum, and the Whitening Mask. The Mario Badescu Combo/Oily Regimen Kit contains products like the Enzyme Cleansing Gel, Cucumber Cleansing Lotion, Aloe Moisturizer, and the Flower & Tonic Mask.
Day 4: Wednesday, September 2
SeroVital HGH Dietary Supplement
Ulta Beauty
SeroVital HGH Dietary Supplement helps boost the body's ability to naturally produce the human growth hormone, otherwise known as hGH. For those of us over the age of 25, we might want to get in formation and incorporate this in our routine. In addition to helping reduce wrinkles, the human growth hormone is associated with increasing your energy, improving mood and sleep, boosting your mental acuity, and decreasing body fat. SeroVital helps with checking off the boxes of all of the above. So yes, you need this.
Day 5: Thursday, September 3
Urban Decay All Nighter Waterproof Setting Powder
Ulta Beauty
This product is the truth when it comes to prolonging your makeup look. Urban Decay All Nighter Waterproof Setting Powder is known to do exactly that: last all night. With its matte finish, the setting powder is celebrated for being able to prevent shine from oil, give the skin a smooth look, and extend the life of your foundation for up to 11 hours, no reapplying needed. Let's just say, we're sold.
Day 6: Friday, September 4
Lancome Monsieur Big Mascara
Ulta Beauty
Lancome Monsieur Big Mascara is a fan fave because it gives you enviable lashes for days. Emphasis on 'days'. As a long-lasting, intensely black pigmented mascara, 'big' proves to definitely be in. With one swipe, the ultra-creamy Lancome Monsieur pumps up the volume times 12, providing your eyelashes with a 'falsies' look with the glue or faux lashes. Plus, the waterproof, smudge-proof formula also comes with 24-hour staying power. Need we say more?
Peter Thomas Roth Water Drench Cloud Serum
Ulta Beauty
Get your skin on wet-wet with Peter Thomas Water Drench Cloud Serum. It's the serum among serums. This product contains 75% Hyaluronic Acid Complex which allows it to act as a potent hydrator, with the equivalent of a liquid cloud filled with moisture. This product will provide your skin with long-lasting hydration with staying power of up to 72 hours.
Peter Thomas Roth Water Drench Toner Mist
Ulta Beauty
Just like its companion product, the Cloud Serum, Peter Thomas Roth Water Drench Toner Mist is the skin refresher you've been looking for. It rejuvenates the skin while offering an instant refresher, thanks to its Hyaluronic Acid Complex. The Toner Mist clarifies, hydrates, and moisturizes the skin, creating a more youthful, poreless complexion.
Day 7: Saturday, September 5
Tarte Shape Tape Glow Wand
Ulta Beauty
The Tarte Shape Tape Glow Wand is a liquid brightener that helps you create the appearance of an eye lift without a single nip, tuck, or filler. And it does so with a soft-focus finish. Formulated with a proprietary diamond complex that provides the product with its extra oomph, this first-time beauty steal also has the added bonus of being vegan, baby.
Tula Brighten Up Smoothing Primer Gel
Ulta Beauty
It's prime time that you stocked up on this primer. The Tula Brighten Up Smoothing Primer Gel is a silicone-free, yuzu-packed priming gel that brightens the skin and binds to your makeup without clogging your pores. It does this while giving your skin a burst of a cooling, refreshed sensation.
Week 2 Beauty Steals
Day 8: Sunday, September 6
Anastasia Beverly Hills Luminous Foundation
Ulta Beauty
The Anastasia Beverly Hills Luminous Foundation is a first-time steal during the 21 Days Of Beauty event. This foundation formula is lightweight, offers medium coverage, and has a shade range of over 50 shades -- hello, melanin! Anastasia might be known for her coveted brow pencil and pomade, but her Luminous Foundation is truly one to be coveted by any beauty-lover.
Perricone MD Cold Plasma Plus+
Ulta Beauty
Perricone MD Cold Plasma Plus+ is a multi-tasking skincare collection dedicated to promoting healthier, more youthful-looking skin. The collection consists of an array of skincare treatments targeting the face, neck, eyes, and chest. The powerhouse products have the capability of meeting your unique skincare needs as well as addressing concerns like fine lines and uneven texture.
Day 9: Monday, September 7
Too Faced Natural Palettes
Ulta Beauty
Who said natural had to be boring? Too Faced Natural Palettes is shedding a new light to the richness of a good nude. Understated but never dull, these rich and pigmented face and eye palettes allow you to stunt and emphasize the warmth of your melanin.
Dermablend Loose Setting Powders
Ulta Beauty
These setting powders are a weightless, translucent powder that is the perfect punctuation to any makeup look. Formulated to lock in concealer and foundation flawlessly, Dermablend Loose Setting Powders have staying power for a total of up to 16 hours. The finish is flawless, smudge-proof, and transfer-resistant. No touch-ups necessary.
Day 10: Tuesday, September 8
Select Faux-Mink Lashes
Ulta Beauty
A dope pair of lashes can provide quite the boost when it comes to looking and feeling good. And today only, Ulta Beauty is giving you a few reasons to bat your lashes. From Lilly Lashes and House of Lashes to Blinking Beaute and Velour Lashes, Ulta Beauty is offering a wide array of faux lashes that add length and volume for 50% off.
Day 11: Wednesday, September 9
BECCA Primers
Ulta Beauty
When it comes to perfecting makeup looks, in order to create your best look, you need to start with a proper canvas. The smoother your skin looks and feels, the better. BECCA Primers are a great way to help mimic those circumstances for your best FOTD yet. The vegan primers that can be used to mattify the skin and blur the appearance of pores all while helping your makeup to last all day.
Day 12: Thursday, September 10
IT Cosmetics Confidence in an Eye Cream
Ulta Beauty
Looking to diminish the appearance of lines and wrinkles under the eyes? IT Cosmetics Confidence in an Eye Cream might be the slice of skincare heaven you've been looking for. The product caters to the most delicate skin on the face with promises to rejuvenate your eyes, helping you say goodnight to tired eyes for good and giving your confidence a boost along the way.
Cover FX Monochromatic Blush & Bronzer Duos
Ulta Beauty
Richly pigmented palette? Check. Consciously created product? Double-check. Cover FX Monochromatic Blush & Bronzer Duos features a pressed palette composed of both shimmer and matte shades. The lightweight talc-free product delivers a delicate but impactful pop of color in a seamless application.
Day 13: Friday, September 11
Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliners
Ulta Beauty
Urban Decay 24/7 Eyeliners are an Ulta Beauty fan fave, and we know why. Their creamy, waterproof eyeliners are as foolproof as they are vibrant. In terms of application, the liners go on smooth and stay soft to blend, but when they dry, they stay put for a long-lasting finish of up to 24 hours. The liners come in 24 shades, allowing you to choose to showcase your mood across a variety of colors.
Philosophy Ultimate Miracle Worker SPF 30 Moisturizer
Ulta Beauty
Sunscreen is one of the many ways to ensure that your black never cracks. In recent years, the old myth of black people not needing sunscreen has dissipated to make way for skincare practices that will ensure we protect ourselves from harmful environmental damage, like that of UV rays. Philosophy Ultimate Miracle Worker SPF 30 Moisturizer is a groundbreaking multi-rejuvenating cream that hydrates the skin while protecting it and defending it against the elements.
Day 14: Saturday, September 12
Mario Badescu Grab and Go Duo
Ulta Beauty
The Mario Badescu Grab and Go Duo is an exclusive Ulta Beauty steal and also happens to be a fan favorite among consumers. The drying lotion and facial spray combo is a necessity to cop for anyone seeking to obtain or maintain clear, glowing skin on the go. Keep your breakouts at bay with this power-packed duo.
Week 3 Beauty Steals
Day 15: Sunday, September 13
Too Faced Hangover Primer
Ulta Beauty
It's prime time to invest in a primer that is as replenishing as it is smoothing. And for those of us looking to level up our makeup looks while pouring into our glow game, the Too Faced Hangover Primer might be the Ulta Beauty steal of your derams. This primer is a fan favorite for a reason, as it hydrates and brightens your skin, promotes your skin's tone and elasticity, and soothes while it smooths. It manages to do all of this while making your skin the perfect canvas for your foundation. This primer will have you looking like you've been minding your business and drinking your water, and we wouldn't have it any other way.
Too Faced Hangover Setting Spray
Ulta Beauty
Another Ulta Beauty fan fave, Too Faced Hangover Setting Spray is a weightless three-in-one replenishing mist that sets, primes, and refreshes your makeup look. While the primer creates a healthy glowed up finish by smoothing, hydrating, and brightening the skin, the coconut-water infused mist puts in work by making sure your skin keeps its dewy appearance. Yes ma'am, we slay.
Skyn Iceland Eye Gels (4ct)
Ulta Beauty
Ulta Beauty's 21 Days Of Beauty is treating us to 50% off of yet another fan fave with their inclusion of these Skyn Iceland Eye Gels. For those of us who wish to give our undereye area special treatment, these 4-ct eye gels are the perfect addition to your self-care routine. Tone and de-puff the windows to your soul with this 10-minute or less beauty practice.
Skyn Iceland Eye Gels (8ct)
Ulta Beauty
Just in case you wanted to level up your beauty aresenal and self-care routine by one more level, you can choose to invest in the 8-ct version of this Ulta beauty steal. In just under 10 minutes, the Skyn Iceland eye gels tone, de-puff, and reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.
Day 16: Monday, September 14
Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner
Ulta Beauty
If you want to make sure your eyeliner escapades are precise, look no further than Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eyeliner. This waterproof liquid eyeliner glides onto the eyelid easily, dries quickly, and doesn't smudge or run. An added bonus is the fact that this quick-drying precision liner has all day staying power, lasting well over 12 hours.
Lancome Cils Booster Mascara Primer
Ulta Beauty
The eyes have it, and the right mascara is key to ensuring your eyes pop whenever you get your smize on. While most people might not think a mascara primer is a necessary first step before applying your favorite mascara, Lancome Cils Booster Mascara Primer has other ideas. The vitamin-infused lash-conditioning mascara primer is an all-in-one product that primes lashes while improving its curl and thickness over time.
Day 17: Tuesday, September, 15
Benefit Cosmetics Boi-ing Cakeless Concealer
Ulta Beauty
A first-time steal, Benefit Cosmetics Boi-ing Cakeless Concealer promises to help you conceal imperfections without giving you a cakey look, and let's just say our interest is piqued.It hides everything, from undereye circles to discoloration caused by scarring and hyperpigmentation. The lightweight liquid concealer is a full coverage formula that doesn't crack, settle into fine lines, or crack.
Crepe Erase Advanced Body Repair Treatment
Ulta Beauty
When we talk about skincare, we often focus on our face rather than our body, but as the largest organ of the human body, your skin should be catered to everywhere, period. In order to remedy our lowkey indifference towards the skin we're in, look towards Crepe Erase Advanced Body Repair Treatment for an assist. This Ulta Beauty steal improves tone, texture, and elasticity of the skin.
Day 18: Wednesday, September 16
Smashbox Primers
Ulta Beauty
Smashbox Primers are the GOAT when it comes to oil and shine control. The transformative gel-to-powder formulas are all lightweight and mattifying, taking your FOTD to all new heights. At the same time, it helps facilitate a vitamin glow to your skin without making you look greasy. The formula both refreshes and awakens the skin while preserving your makeup looks.
Exuviance Performance Peel AP25
Ulta Beauty
The Exuviance Performance Peel AP25 helps to refine pore size and smooth the skin's texture by exfoliating dull and dead skin at the surface level to unveil healthier skin underneath. Packed with its 25% blend of AHAs and PHA, this product is an absolute must in anyone who desires a flawless complexion. Perfect for all skin types, over time with consistent use, your texture will be smoother with a more refined texture.
Day 19: Thursday, September 17
Tarte Lights-Camera-Lashes Mascara
Ulta Beauty
Tarte Lights-Camera-Lashes Mascara is a four-in-one mascara that is regarded as a cult classic in its industry for a decade. Thanks to ingredients like Olive Esters and Rice Bran Wax, this vegan mascara is a nourishing formula that provides length and volume for days to your lashes with the flick of a wrist. With Tarte Lights-Camera-Lashes, every lash gets catered to and every curl defined with the help of its 360-degree magniLASH wand.
Dermalogica Calm Water Gel Moisturizer
Ulta Beauty
Do you have dry, sensitive skin? This moisturizer is the thing your skincare dreams are made of. Dermalogica Calm Water Gel Moisturizer is a weightless moisturizer that hydrates without clogging your pores or irritating your skin. The refreshing gel formula goes onto the skin in liquid form for skin-quenching results.
Day 20: Friday, September 18
Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Starter Kits
Ulta Beauty
The Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Starter Kits is a limited-time kit that includes a mini brow wiz, a mini definer, a mini clear brow gel, and a mini dip brow gel. The kits come in four shades, including Medium Brown, Dark Brown, and Dark Ebony. This exclusive first-time steal proves once again why the Anastasia Beverly Hills brand has become synonymous with the perfect brow.
Clinique Moisture Surge 72 Hour Hydrator (1 oz)
Ulta Beauty
Alexa, play "Nonstop" by Drake. This song is appropriate for all that Clinique Moisture Surge 72 Hour Hydrator can achieve. The hydrating gel-cream moisturizer provides a moisture boost and is packed with hydration so it can elevate the glow of even the dullest skin. This moisturizer stays moisturizing your skin for up to 72 hours without the need to reapply. And it does so nonstop.
Day 21: Saturday, September 19
IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation
Ulta Beauty
IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation is a full coverage moisturizing foundation that is formulated to improve the look of the skin while also addressing the need to practice effective skincare. Wearing makeup doesn't mean you ignore the importance of taking care of your skin underneath. This foundation gets that. From redness and pores, to breakouts and dark spots, IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation quite literally has you covered.
IT Brushes For ULTA Full Coverage Complexion Brush #77
Ulta Beauty
You've got your canvas all the way together, but what about your paintbrush? You are an artist after all. IT Brushes for ULTA Full Coverage Complexion Brush #77 has your back, sis. The exclusive Ulta Beauty steal has a unique triangle shape that contours to the face for a smooth and even application. Your makeup finds couldn't have asked for a better complement.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Okay, so I’ve got a question: When was the last time that you friend-zoned someone? Uh-huh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about either because, if you live long enough on this planet, you’ve probably encountered at least one male guy who you knew wanted more than friendship from you. Thing is, you didn’t feel the same way, although you may not have been as direct about that as you should be either because you wanted to keep the friendship intact (good) or you wanted to get the benefits of his feelings for you (not good; that is manipulation) — and so, you friend-zoned him.
Along these same lines, next question: When’s the last time that you friend-zoned yourself? This is an angle on the whole friend-zoning thing that I don’t think is tackled enough. Oh, but it’s real because I know quite a few women (and even a couple of men) who end up being seen as just a friend, time and time again, and it’s (mostly) because they make certain moves that cause people to look at them that way.
If you’re sick of always being seen as not just one guy but most guys’ favorite friend, and you’re wondering how to change that, check out the following six points. If more than a couple of ‘em apply, the bad news is that friend-zoning yourself is exactly what you are doing. The good news is that now you know what to do about it.
You Self-Sabotage Potential Dating Opportunities
Pop the Balloon, boy. As I’ve been watching the show evolve to things like being featured in Saturday Night Live (you know, as a skit) to the host Arlette getting sponsorship deals like her one with Fashion Nova to Netflix picking it up (for a live version), you’ve definitely got the give the YouTube series its props. And when it comes to this topic, the reason why the show came to mind is I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched it and seen people self-sabotage opportunities.
For instance, once I saw a man pop his own balloon because a woman said that she prefers tall men, and he was right under 6’. Another time, I saw a woman pop her balloon because the guy said that he wants a spiritual person and she assumed that he meant a Christian.
And you know what? People who friend-zone themselves oftentimes do the same thing “in the real world” because they will determine that they are not someone’s type based on (for example) who they’ve seen them date before or because they decided that someone wouldn’t see them as a potential match (without actually knowing that for sure). In their mind, the person they are interested in is “out of their league,” so they give off the energy that never conveys that they are interested in being seen as more than a friend.
How do I know this? Because I once did it with a guy from my past back when I was in college. When I first met him, I thought he was so attractive, and so I simply assumed that there wasn’t a chance for anything serious that I conveyed that to him after a few phone conversations, that while I was down for a sexual dynamic, I didn’t want to be more than friends.
Fast forward to years of coitus and friendship going down while I was low-key feeling resentful that it didn’t end up going past that. When I brought it up, know what he said to me? “Shellie, you never gave me the opportunity to see you as anything else. Don’t blame me for keeping up the end of the bargain that you set.” And because I like to take accountability for my ish, I have to admit that he’s spot-on right.
Moral to the story with this one is this: sometimes you think that predetermining how someone is going to see you is the way to keep from potentially getting hurt. Here’s the thing about that, though — unfortunately, more times than not, all you’re doing is getting in your own way. If you’re deciding how someone should feel about you, that is a form of self-sabotage — and a definite way to end up friend-zoning yourself.
You Tell Everyone and Their Grandma That You’re Only Seen As Guys’ Friend
There is someone I know who, well, I don’t think she’s ever had a boyfriend before — and she’s good, GOOD, and grown at this point. I do know that she’s liked quite a few people, and no one has really taken her seriously, though. There are a couple of reasons why (because some of the men have told me directly); however, the main one is because she has told pretty much anyone who will listen that she is seen as the homie for men for so long that her words have created her own reality.
In other words, she is the living meaning of the quote, “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny” (Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said that).
That said, although science is forever conducting research on whether or not emotional energy is indeed “contagious,” what we do know is something called emotional contagion is quite real; it’s what happens when you are around someone and you end up picking up on their body language and then mirroring/imitating it, sometimes without even noticing. Now think about that from the angle of what we’re discussing in this article.
If you’re around a guy and all you’re sending off is “just friend” vibes, there’s a good chance that even if a guy thinks you’re attractive, he may give you the same energy because he’s mirroring what you are doing. Or even if he was potentially interested in you, if all you talk about is how you’re every guy you know’s BFF — he may take that as meaning that you don’t want to be anything else…or more.
Remember that quote — your thoughts ultimately can become your destiny if you’re not careful. I mean, if you want to ultimately be every guy’s confidant about some other woman, hey have at it. If not…emotional contagion is real. What kind of body language and conversation are you giving off…that the men around you just might be…mirroring?
You Tend to Play Down Your Femininity (and Sensuality)
This year, the rom-com Just Wright(Queen Latifah, Common, Paula Patton) turns 15 (time, boy). Although it’s been a hot minute since I’ve watched it, I thought about how much Queen Latifah’s character, Leslie, helps to make this particular point. And while we’re here, although it might seem like Paula Patton’s character, Morgan, was the “villain,” actually Leslie’s mom (played by Pam Grier) is who irked me most of all.
I say that because, while Leslie was definitely a tomboy, it’s almost like her mom never really encouraged her to explore her more feminine and sensual side — and to me, that, is what made it initially difficult for Common’s character Scott to not see her as much more than “one of the boys.” Because clearly if there was absolutely no physical chemistry or connection, sex wouldn’t have ultimately gone down, and he wouldn’t have eventually ended up with Leslie (because who wants to be in a long-term relationship with someone whom they aren’t physically attracted to)?
I don’t know about y’all, but I know some “Leslies.” They might not be the traditional kind of pretty (whatever that means these days); however, they are definitely beautiful in their own right. Thing is, it can be hard to see them as “sexy” on any level because they’re always in some jeans and kicks and dapping guys up. Oh, but put them in a dress and some pumps sometimes and damn — she’s definitely giving other women a solid run for their money.
Listen, I’m a sneakerhead and proud of it. I remember a time when I didn’t own any, though, and the last boyfriend who I will ever have in this lifetime bought me some sneaks because he wanted to see what I looked like in a pair. About a year later, he felt like he created a monster because he rarely saw me dress up anymore, and he missed it. Because the thing about fashion is that it has the ability to bring out different sides to us.
If, when it comes to your own sense of style, words like “feminine” and “sensual” rarely — if ever — come to mind, why not make a few tweaks to that? No one said that you have to wear a little black dress every day. All I’m saying is just like Leslie caught our eyes when she dressed up, the same thing can happen to you…off screen.
You Are More Concerned with Being Everyone Else’s Matchmaker and/or Dating Coach
Does everyone come to you for relationship advice, and yet, interestingly enough, rarely are you offered any? Yeah, that’s another huge sign when it comes to what it means to friend-zone yourself. Here’s what I mean — a couple of years ago, I got sick and tired of a woman telling me that she was interested in a guy, yet she was too “scared” to tell him. He was a friend of mine as well, and so, one day, I randomly mentioned her in conversation, just to see where his head was at.
When he told me that he thought that she was cute, smart, and funny, I asked him if he had ever considered asking her out. His response was perfect for the point that I am trying to make here: “Oh, she’s not seeing someone? Every time we talk and the subject [of relationships] comes up, she’s always mentioning other women, so I thought that was her way of deflecting off of her.”
Okay…I don’t know how a guy is supposed to pick up on signals that you would be open to going out with him if you are constantly playing matchmaker when it comes to him and someone else, or even if you are the one he comes to for advice about another woman. I mean, I know in Usher’s song, “You Make Me Wanna,” and particularly when he said that he would (romantically) think about his best (female) friend after talking to her about his girlfriend, that it might seem like that’s the route to take — trust me, IT’S NOT.
I’ve got enough male friends, and I’ve been working with men long enough to know that they are pretty literal and quite good at compartmentalizing things. So, even if you are a bomb individual in their eyes, if you’re always talking to them about other women, they are going to see you as some version of a free dating coach and probably not much else. And if men are sounding off about other ladies to you…how in the world can you be seen as anything more than a shoulder or an ear?
What You Think Are ‘Boundaries’ Are Actually WALLS
Another way that some people friend-zone themselves is that they don’t allow someone to get close enough to see them as more than a friend. Group dates? Sure. One-on-ones? Nah. Text exchanges? Sure. Phone calls? They’re not so comfortable. Surface conversations about music, sports, culture, etc.? Sure. Deep conversations about dreams, feelings, and desires? They are gonna skirt around those as much as they possibly can.
I’ve asked some people who move like this what the deal is; what most of them say is since so many people see, treat and like them as a friend, they don’t want to run the risk of getting hurt or ultimately losing even the friendship if they step out and actually express more than platonic interest. If that is you, that, my dear, is also a form of self-sabotage.
Honestly, even when it comes to the whole “friends with benefits” thing, when the dynamic has run its course, usually who seems to have a problem with being "just friends" most, to me, is women — or at least, women who know that they settled for less by agreeing to something that was less than what they wanted in the first place. Meaning, (most) guys can handle — and would even prefer — remaining some sort of friends after sex ceases.
And the reason why all of this is relevant is because…if you like someone, you shouldn’t be afraid to let your guard down and see where things could go. If the two of you have some sort of healthy connection, even if things don’t work out, there is probably something salvageable there where you can still stay in touch or at least hug it out whenever you run into each other.
Bottom line: Guarding your heart and assessing the potential risks? That is called having boundaries. Never letting anyone close enough to you to even consider you as an option? That is called a wall. BIG DIFFERENCE.
No One in Your World Knows That You Truly Desire a Relationship
“You have not because you ask not.” It’s a verse in the Bible (James 4:2, to be exact) that is a great way to bring all of this to a close. I say that because the reality is, if you’ve seen yourself all up in and throughout this article, there’s a pretty good chance that another reason why you keep friend-zoning yourself is because no one really knows that you truly desire to be in a relationship in the first place. It’s like you assume that no one is going to see you in “that way,” and so you keep the wish to yourself.
Here’s the thing about that, though — as a Business Insider article states, there is a lot of power in asking for what you want because making a declaration helps to set things into motion; plus, as author Paulo Coelho once penned, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
Adding to all of this, I promise that once you let your safe space know that you’re truly interested in dating, I’m willing to bet that you’ve got at least one or two girlfriends who will be more than happy to hook you up up with someone — they were just waiting on you to say the word. You know what they say — closed mouths don’t get fed and, as far as this topic is concerned, if you don’t say that you want to get out of the “friend zone”, how is someone supposed to know it?
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Friend-zoning? If you’re on the receiving end, it can be a hard pill to swallow. The only thing more challenging? It’s if you are doing it to your own self.
Now that you see what that looks like, please make the decision to pivot into something else. Hey, you never know what possibilities are in store when you actually put forth the concerted effort to stop…friend-zoning yourself.
Amen? Amen.
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