There is a Chinese Proverb that, when you hit a milestone birthday like I did this year, it will hit you like a ton of bricks: “Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.” Lawd, ain’t that the truth. Anyway, whenever people ask me how I celebrated, anyone who really knows me knows that I am a true ambivert who almost throws up in my mouth at the mere thought of a big birthday bash. That’s why I decided to do one-on-one lunches and dinners with friends. I am in the process of booking a couple of trips, and I decided to write a follow-up to my first book.
Y’all, if you want to see how fast time is moving and also how much you are progressing, look at children or go back and read some of your journal entries from back in the day. As far as the journals go, that can be a really solid practice if you’re ever feeling stagnant or stuck because, believe you me, if you are intentional about evolution and transformation, reading who and where you were once upon and time vs. where and who you are now will showcase it for you, live and in living color. And honestly, that is what the sequel to my first book has done for me.
After I completed it, I realized that it was the best birthday present — both to me and for me.
Because so many of you have been kind enough to contact me to see when I am penning another book, that’s why I’ve written this article — Inside of Me 2.0. My Story. With a 20-Year Lens. is officially available as of this month. That was definitely on purpose because I was going to either release it on my birthday (June) or during Rosh Hashanah (the new year that I observe, which was October 2-4 this year) and preferably in the month of October, which is my late father’s birthday month (if/when you read the book, it’ll all make sense). This year, it all played out perfectly.
Twenty years wasn’t yesterday by any stretch of the imagination (listen…). And so, if you’re not familiar with my work as an author and you’re curious before purchasing my latest read, I totally get it. Here are a few things about Inside of Me and Inside of Me 2.0 that, hopefully, will get you to make a $12.99 or $7 e-book investment. C’mon. Mama needs a new set of Pumas. #wink
Inside Of Me...20 Years Ago.
'Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption'
Twenty damn years ago. To give you some perspective, the movie The Notebook came out in 2004. Usher’s LP Confessions came out in 2004 (“Superstar” definitely should’ve been an official single, and “That’s What It’s Made For” is low-key one of the most sexually irresponsible songs to date, chile). The online review site Yelp (that is pure chaos, by the way — LOL) made its debut in 2004. Bill Clinton’s autobiography My Life came out in 2004 — and it just happened to be the same month (and year) that my first book (which was also an autobiography of sorts) did.
Oh, Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption. Some fun facts include the fact that:
*My brother actually chose the name (well, the “Inside of Me” part).
*Although I had no hand in the design (although it did turn out to be pretty stellar, if I do say so myself), a friend of mine by the name of Cole Warren (no relation) took the cover shot (the design team overlooked giving her photo credit, so there ya go, Cole).
*One of the best vocalists of our time (if you’ve been to a live show of hers, you know that I’m not exaggerating), India.Arie penned the foreword because we happened to be each other’s first “official” celebrity interview (I still have a copy of her demo from her debut LP somewhere): me as the journalist and her as the feature. We stayed in touch via email for a few years after that. There are typos in the foreword because she sent it handwritten right when we were about to literally go to press, and there was no time to edit it without it costing thousands of dollars more (real talk).
*I call the first Inside of Me my “sexual autobiography” because, although it wasn’t exactly planned to play out this way, a lot of what was consuming me in my 20s was sex and relationships. Hmph. I guess that’s why when Karrine Steffans’s (who now goes by Elisabeth Ovesen) first book, Confessions of a Video Vixen (which came out in 2005), was released, some folks said that I was the “Christian Superhead” (chile). Yeah, not even close, although I do get the comparison in the sense that both books were pretty candid — in some ways, mine even more so, since I was a Christian (at the time), and yet I was so open about my sex life and the consequences that came from it. Yeah, that was pretty taboo back then.
*Who published the book is a former publishing company that also produces the Christian pop culture magazine Relevant. I used to be a columnist for it. Kyle Chowning, Cara Baker (I think she’s married with a different name now), and yes, even Cameron Strang were really good to me there; thank you.
*People often ask me how to get a publishing deal; I’m not sure what to tell them because all of the deals that I’ve gotten (which are two; my third book, I took a different route…more on that in a sec) were offered to me.
*Every book that I’ve written has taken about six weeks to do it from start to finish (don’t ask me why; it just always plays out that way).
*Although my immediate family came and celebrated at my book signing party that I hosted at an art gallery here in Nashville when my book was released, while I was actually penning it, my mother didn’t speak to me for six months because she wasn’t supportive of the content that I was writing. I had a lot of fear back then, so if you ask me, it was a pretty tame version of everything that I went through. I am pretty fearless now (do with that what you will).
*Also, the “main men” in the book were not blindsided; I made sure that the fathers of my aborted children heard their specific chapters prior to publishing — not because I needed their approval but because I know what being caught totally off guard feels like, and I didn’t want to do that to them. They all said that they were fine with my perspective even if it wasn’t 100 percent their own (understood).
*I had a publicist who did a pretty good job promoting the book. I even had an Oprah (show) invite, although I turned it down because they wanted me to spend a considerable amount of the interview discussing something that wasn’t difficult for me, yet I knew it would be for someone close to me, so I declined. I have no regrets.
*I didn’t plan to pen a sequel at the time of releasing the first book, and certainly not one 20 years later. Not back then. Yet there is something about 20 biblically representing “perfection in waiting” and my also processing who I was as a woman at 29 (when I wrote my first book) and who I, well, now, was as a woman at 49 (when I wrote most of the follow-up) that made it all seem like the right time and occasion.
Inside of Me...Now.
'Inside of Me 2.0. My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'
Although it might sound like a shameless plug, if you haven’t read the first book, you might want to before copping the second one: Inside of Me 2.0. My Story. With a 20-Year Lens. I think the second offering will make a lot of sense even if you don’t…I’m just saying if you want some real context, the first is a great reference point.
So, what’s different about this book? I mean, for starters, I am 20 years older.
As far as the book itself goes, I decided to self-publish and also create an imprint to create more books moving forward. Listen, I’ve been published before, twice, and although the bragging rights (and advance) can be (initially) cool, if you want to make some real money, you’d need to be a bestseller. Not to mention the fact that self-publishing comes with so many options now; I mean, the distribution for this book is as vast as my previous other ones (Pure Heart: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Integrity is the second book; I’m not as emotionally attached to it, though). Plus, the book industry isn’t what it used to be, and neither are bookstores, for that matter (SMDH).
Another reason why I decided to self-publish is I wanted complete control from the design to the content, and this route gave me that. The book is green because I like what green represents (health, growth, balance, wisdom, and renewal, for starters). I put my picture on the back because I got the affirmation that my self-esteem needed at the time via my picture being on the front with the first book (I’m good).
I didn’t want anyone to write the foreword or reviews for the cover because, well, it’s my story — I don’t really need anyone to validate my own experience. I also didn’t want an editing team that would constantly ask me, “Are you sure you want to say that like that?” — all of these are traditional routes for books, and traditional, I am not.
The content. Well…not a ton of sex has been had over the past 20 years (which is wild to even hear myself say), and so, a sexual autobiography, again, this is not. Looking back on both books, I get that the first one was about a lot of what I did while my second covers a lot of ground concerning why I did it. As far as the ground that I chose to cover, I’ve been asked what surprised, even me, and I’d have to say that it’s got a heavy narcissism theme to it. I grew up in a religious home, and a child of an entertainment industry leader, and narcissism abounds in both of those realms. I do quite a bit of unpacking regarding all of that.
There is also quite a bit of closure in this book — closure that includes the explanation(s) of why. The tone is pretty unapologetic because, as I said earlier, I still had some fear while writing my first book. Now I love myself more (love casts out fear), and so the fear is virtually nonexistent. That’s why this book is more along the lines of, “I mean, if you didn’t want me to write about it, why did you do it?” along with some “And you still should be grateful that some mercy was factored in” sprinkled throughout.
Yeah, Inside of Me 2.0 consists of a lot of what one chapter addresses in its title — learning the differences between who PTSD Shellie was and who the Real Shellie now is. Just like a lot of the content that is featured on this platform, there is no shortage of spiritual and biblical references to emphasize some points; however, it’s not a Christian book by any stretch because I wouldn’t consider myself to be a Christian — anymore. I like how John 8:31-32 is where Christ said that his followers were his disciples. I also like that his disciples were pretty unconventional and off the chain (re-read about Peter sometime). All of that tracks for me.
Something else? I didn’t expect Inside of Me 2.0 to be longer than Inside of Me — it’s around 30 pages more, though. I guess it’s that way because I explain, in detail, where I stand spiritually, where I am when it comes to my family (chile), and the resolves that I now have as it relates to relationships — romantic, platonic, and otherwise. I don’t talk a lot about sex because there isn’t a lot to say on the personal front (#Elmoshrug). If you come to this site, I’m never short of ideas on the topic, though…so…there’s that.
Press. I keep getting asked about that. I dunno, y’all. I haven’t had any social media for what, 15 years now, and I still don’t want (or miss) it. I am in the process of building a website along a theme that I am passionate about (more on that to come). I am also open to doing some interviews as they come, and I think I might hop on a podcast platform, just so people can hear the tree fall in the forest (if you catch my drift); however, I didn’t write this book for attention or fame.
I wrote it because A) I’m a writer; it’s like breathing; B) Inside of Me needed some documented resolution, and now it has that; C) my dad never had a voice for his pain, and I wanted to be his mouthpiece now that he is no longer here; D) there are certain questions that I get asked fairly often that I felt a book could answer all in one sitting, and E) it was time. Twenty years — perfection in waiting — says so.
Photo Credit: Sam Simpkins
Welp. That’s about it, y’all. Oh, one more thing because some people have already asked me this too. What is my arm tat about? Feathers symbolize spiritual evolution, honor, wisdom, power, and femininity. I have five stars that represent my four aborted children and Perez (check the dedication for an explanation about him). Moon and stars symbolize the balance of masculine and feminine energy. The Hebrew letters spell out Perez, which means “breakthrough” in Hebrew.
You know, back in the late 90s, there were some Jamaican women who came to a church that I visited who did an altar call for anyone who wanted clarity. As one of them walked past me, she came back and said, “Books! Books! Lots of books!” I guess I’m just out here confirming what she spoke over me. Following the flow of it all.
If you’re willing to support that, I’d 1000 percent appreciate it.
From the inside (pun intended)…out.
Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens is now available on platforms including Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Ingram, etc., and will be available on e-book sites including Apple iBookstore, Google Play, Nook, and others by the end of October 2024.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Sam Simpkins
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
Courtesy
In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
Courtesy
With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
Courtesy
For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
Featured image courtesy